All That Rage Winds up on YouTube by Cheryl Lavin on Creators.com

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All That Rage Winds up on YouTube

Would you like to meet Courtney and Duncan? You can. At least, you can hear them. During the last six months of their 15-year relationship, Courtney recorded Duncan's verbal abuse. She posted it at www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqW2JxmlBgE.

Their story begins when Courtney was just 17. Duncan was 27, her first boyfriend.

"He was quiet and nice at first. Within two months we were living together. It was like a fairy tale. He would buy me flowers, he was working an honest job and our lovemaking was incredible. I fell head over heels in love with him."

But the fairy tale came to a crashing end after just six months. "The very first time he abused me, we were arguing. I don't even remember what it was about. But he pushed me down to the floor."

Why didn't she leave him then?

"I wish I knew. I loved him. I'm sure you've heard that before."

Eventually, Courtney and Duncan married and had two children. The abuse escalated. "He would punch me, kick me, throw things at me. He would say the most horrible things. He called me bitch, ho, stupid, dumb, fat ass. He would tell me that my family hated me. He told me many times that he would kill me. He constantly berated me and ruined my self-esteem. I felt powerless. I felt worthless."

The abuse was erratic. "Duncan would get mad at the smallest things. Afterwards, he would beg for forgiveness, even get on his knees. I can remember nights I'd be up until 6 or 7 a.m. because he wouldn't leave me alone until I said I forgave him."

But at the same time, he would blame her for his outbursts.

"He said they were my fault. He would even blame me for him hitting me."

At one point, Duncan went to rehab for his alcohol addiction. He also smoked marijuana and stole Courtney's anti-seizure medication to get high. He went to jail several times for assaulting her and violating restraining orders.

Every time he left, she took him back. "I was scared to leave because the times when I had he stalked me. And I didn't have anyone to fall back on. I had a rocky relationship with my mother. Also, I struggled with my religious beliefs. I believed you married for life. It took me years to convince myself that God wouldn't approve of this and that it would be OK to divorce him."

To the outside world, Courtney pretended everything was normal. She never told anyone she was being abused. Duncan was her dirty little secret. But she couldn't pretend in front of her children. They begged her to leave him.

"They would tell me how much they hated him. I can't believe I allowed my children to see him abuse me. I feel so guilty for that most of all. I have a lot of regret. Tons of regret."

It was during their last six months together that Courtney started recording Duncan's tirades. She was afraid he was going to kill her and she wanted proof of his abuse.

"He knew I was doing it, but he didn't care. He would even tell me to go ahead and record him."

Next, how Courtney broke free and remade her life.

Have you been in tales? Send your update, along with your questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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6 Comments | Post Comment

A person's beliefs, enstowed on them in their younger years, ends up causing pain later in life.

Comment: #1
Posted by: J
Fri Dec 23, 2011 11:25 AM

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J: I'm with you on this one. Her religion was part of her oppression. When will the church wake up???

Comment: #2
Posted by: Samantha
Fri Dec 23, 2011 12:48 PM

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Samantha, there IS no monolithic "the church". When will YOU wake up?

But I think J raises a good point. I think it's ALWAYS worth examining and re-examining what we believe and why we believe it.

"Honor your mother and father" for instance, is a lovely goal for most of us who were raised with loving parents who did their best to prepare us to be worthwhile human beings. Is it good advice for those who were raised with parents who sold them into prostitution for money for drugs? Better to realize, I think that in this case, no -- the contract was broken by the parents, and while it will probably behoove the adult child to pity and forgive a parent who behaved so despicably, it's probably best that she do so from a distance and NOT by giving that addicted parent access to her life and those of her kids'.

Similarly, the victim of domestic violence can realize the "until death us do part" is supposed to come about through factors beyond either party's control. There is nothing noble in continuing to honor vows that the other party has already disregarded (and beating flies directly in the face of "love, honor and cherish"). There ARE indeed churches that recognize this and advocate for victims of domestic violence.

Comment: #3
Posted by: hedgehog
Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:35 PM

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Re: hedgehog
Thank you for making that distinction. Religions come in many varieties, including churches, synagogues, and mosques. Even in Christianity, there are many different denominations, and they vary widely in how they're governed and in some respects, how they worship God. I, for one, try to follow the teachings of Jesus as best I can when it comes to love and acceptance of all, and will not attend a church that isn't all-inclusive of EVERYONE. I never subscribed to the "love the person, hate the sin" mentality when it comes to homosexuality (Jesus NEVER talked about homosexuality as a sin, after all!), and divorced people have never been frowned upon in my church.
Obviously, the ideal is to marry until death, but I follow the "3-A Rule" that Dr. Laura has (one of the FEW good things that I took from her radio show) for justification for divorce: Affairs, Addiction and Abuse. If you're going through any of the 3, I say that's a good enough reason to divorce. Granted, I've never been married either, though I've had opportunities, but that's just because if I marry, I want to make sure it's the right man that I love and accept for exactly who he is, and he does the same for me.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Janie
Wed Dec 28, 2011 1:18 PM

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People with nothing to hide hide nothing. My husband knows when I gp to lunch with coworkers and with whom, it's part of discussing our day and there is nothing to hide.
************
That's you, and your husband. I'm glad it works for you, but please realize that "not sharing" doesn't automatically mean "hiding."

My husband truly has ZERO interest in hearing that I went to lunch with co-workers UNLESS there's something I learned there of interest to him: i.e., "Bob and I went for lunch today -- he wondered if we'd like to catch a movie with him and Jane tomorrow night?" If it's just "I had lunch with Steve at Qdoba today" -- my husband is wondering, "Yeah, and...? What's your point?" The fact that I grabbed lunch with a co-worker? For him, it ranks right up there with me telling him that the paper towel dispenser in the ladies room at work was broken AGAIN or that I had grilled cheese at the company cafeteria or that the VP of marketing came in today wearing the most hideous pair of boots I'd ever seen.

I learned this when we were first married; he was way more interested in other stuff (did the construction on the route home clear up yet? did I find someone to trade shifts with so we could go on a long weekend on the 15th? did they fire that obnoxious guy yet?) than who I had lunch with--which was usually the only other person my age in the office who was free for lunch at the same time I was, a decent-looking, funny and interesting guy whom I MIGHT have been interested in had I been single. My husband worked 20 miles away; Dan's girlfriend worked 2 blocks away but was never able to go to lunch at the time we did. I guess tongues could've wagged...but my husband and I are still happily married and last I heard from Dan's now-wife, they are, too.

Comment: #5
Posted by: hedgehog
Wed Dec 28, 2011 6:47 PM

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Not sure why this posted here; my apologies.

What was supposed to post here was in answer to Janie -- I know a faithful Roman Catholic who switched to a UU congregation after circumstances in her life showed her she could no longer accept Roman Catholic theology.

The unexamined life is not worth living, Socrates said a long time ago, and he's right. Much of what we learn from our parents is no longer applicable to today's world ("It's not ladylike to play sports") and much of it remains vital, deep-down true ("Always treat others as you would like to be treated"). It's up to US to continually apply our critical thinking skills to our beliefs, to determine which are no longer serviceable and which are those to which we should cling.

Comment: #6
Posted by: hedgehog
Wed Dec 28, 2011 6:53 PM

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Tales From the Front by Cheryl Lavin

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All That Rage Winds up on YouTube

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