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Be Well
This will be my last column as Dear Margo. I have been giving advice for 15 years — first as Dear Prudence and then under my own name. I have been writing for newspapers for 45 years. The time feels right to retire from deadline journalism. I …Read more.
When Things Don't Look Quite Right
Dear Margo: I'm 60, and my boyfriend is a few years younger. He recently moved in with me. His job requires him to meet with people after their workday. I know he really is doing this on some nights, because I have seen people enter his workplace. …Read more.
Play It as It Lays
Dear Margo: My boyfriend (of more than three and a half years) and I are at a crossroads in our lives. We're both in a master's program, and up until now we've been very serious and committed to our relationship. However, last week he brought up …Read more.
Unwarranted Guilt
Dear Margo: I am married with two almost-teenagers. We aren't rich, but we're comfortable. I have a cousin who has two children. One is near my children's age. This one has spent summers with us for years, and we have taken him on almost every …Read more.
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Strangled by Apron Strings
Dear Margo: Two years ago, my mother got it into her head that I should give up my career in law and postpone my wedding in order to become a bureaucrat! I didn't understand her fascination and made it clear that I wanted to make my own career decisions. Let's just say she wore me down.
She stopped talking to me, refused to attend my wedding and was rude to my fiance's parents when they called to find out what was going on. I know it's easy to say this, but I am absolutely sure I was subjected to emotional abuse. I was told I was an ungrateful child undeserving of any respect and love due to my refusal to follow her "motherly wisdom." Her sister initially tried to help me, but backed off when my mom threatened to break off relations with her, as well. I did not want to lose my mom and disappoint her for the rest of my life, so I gave up my career, and I have postponed my wedding (indefinitely).
I'm now preparing for the tests to qualify as a civil servant. My mom, of course, is elated. She has moved in with me to help me prepare. I now often find myself inexplicably upset — with her, with myself, with everything. It's a wave of rage that ebbs and flows but never goes away. I want to shake her hard and make her realize what she has done, but I am tired of fighting her. She has always maintained that what she's doing is not selfish because she's doing it for my benefit. I am starting to think I will just have to accept that logic before I drive myself mad with anger. What do you think I should do? — Crushed
Dear Crushed: Sever relations with your mother, move her out, go back to the law, and marry your guy — if he's still around. Oh, and get into therapy. Without getting into your mother's need to control you (and intentionally or not ruin your life), the scenario you describe is quite nutty. If you're old enough to be a lawyer and to marry, you're old enough to make your own choices, and they should be choices that do not fill you with rage. Run, my dear, from your very toxic mother, and find a good therapist. — Margo, decisively
Quite a Strange Granny
Dear Margo: My mother (who lives with us) claims she loves my children very much, but whenever she and I have a disagreement, she wants nothing to do with them. She chases them away or ignores them. As soon as we talk and things are smoothed over, she then returns to being very loving to them. What I would like to know is: What is that kind of love called? — Resentful
Dear Re: To my knowledge, there is no psychiatric name attached to this kind of behavior. I, myself, would call it immature, narcissistic and tiresome — and I'm not even sure it can be considered love. The rough equivalent in a marriage would be a couple who thrive on conflict and, in essence, get divorced several times a day. I am sorry that there is such commotion, and my hunch is that your mother will not change. — Margo, regrettably
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2013 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM 
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Comments
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16 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 - you think you r mother is the problem, but you are wrong. You are the problem. You made stupid choices that would never even be considered by a normal person - what kind of person chooses her mother over her fiancee? What kind of person gives up a career after 7 or so years of college for a job she doesn't want? Take Margo's advice - throw mom out of your life, go back to your career as a lawyer, above all get therapy - with one exception. Don't get married. Anyone as immature and bully-able as you isn't close enough to being mature enough to get married. Maybe after a few years of therapy you could think about being a whole enough person on your own to consider marriage.
LW2 - your mother believes she is punishing you by hurting your children. Loving them is less important to her than hurting you. That tells you everything you need to know.Giving her weirdness a name won't help. Be sure your kids understand that it's not about them, it's about granny.
Comment: #1
Posted by: kai archie
Thu Mar 7, 2013 9:51 PM
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Kai, it's easy for us to look upon her and ask what kind of person she is to do this, but, in thinking about it, I see how it happened. Every child is conditioned from birth to do the things that make their parents happy and avoid doing things that make them unhappy. In a healthy family, this process should produce a confident, well-adjusted adult. In unhealthy famillies, it often results in an adult child who has been trained to be emotionally, psychologically and, sometimes, physically dependent on Mom or Dad (or both).
Whether this is done by design because the parent is narcissistic or inadvertently due to the parent's insecurity, it tends to be successful because who knows us better than those who raised us? Who knows our vulnerabilities? Who knows what buttons to push?
Society doesn't help. How often have you mentioned a particular frustration you have with one of your parents, only to be lectured that you should be grateful to still have them? How often are we reminded how much they gave up to take care of our needs and how we should help them in return? The guilt trips visited on us by our parents and those around us continue to be levied because they work!
So, like a child wanting a candy bar in the grocery store, LW1's mother learned that, to get what she wants, she just has to keep up the nagging and the cajoling until her daughter wears out.
But, I do agree, kai, that she needs to get into counseling to come to terms with a toxic mother who wants to control her life and to find out how prepared she really is for marriage. She needs to set boundaries and start enforcing them right now....because it won't get better.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Wordsworth
Fri Mar 8, 2013 4:50 AM
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LW!: You don't need to spend a fortune on counseling. There are loads of books available on this subject that will help you. Even if you do decide to go for counseling, reading these books will still save you tons of time and money.
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Controlling People by Patricia Evans
When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manual Smith
Read all these books, you'll have an easier time growing a backbone and living your life to the fullest. They are ALL excellent books.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Hi there
Fri Mar 8, 2013 5:29 AM
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LW1--Stop kowtowing to your control freak of a mother and grow a spine for the love of Betsy! Whose life is it, hers or yours? Trust me when I tell you that going down your mother's path will lead to a life of misery. Every single time your alarm clock goes off in the morning, you're going to cringe as you face going off to a job that you not only didn't choose, but don't even like. Your mother's happiness with regards to YOUR life choices are irrelevant. My advice is to forget about the civil service exam and get your parasite of a mother out of your home. Resume your wedding plans and enjoy a lovely honeymoon. After the wedding, I advise you to get your law career back on track because that is where your passion lies. if your mother cuts you off, then good riddance and consider it a gift. You don't need her.
LW2--It's called emotional abuse. Get this toxic woman out of your home.
What's up with the idiotic women in these letters?
Comment: #4
Posted by: Chris
Fri Mar 8, 2013 6:12 AM
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LW 1 will probably fail at her civil service career. Shs is too smart and competent. This happened to both my stepmother and me. Civil service is for people who can't get a job anywhere else. It takes years to get hired. If you can go for several months to a couple of years without a job, you will be hired. We both got out of civil service and went into private industry and were very successful. Go back to the law.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Linda Dorfmont
Fri Mar 8, 2013 8:09 AM
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@#5 -- with all due respect, what you say is clearly not true of all civil servant jobs. Also, it's not clear that this person is giving up her career as a lawyer. In most states, lawyers for many state agencies must pass the civil servant exam. She may be applying for a job as a lawyer for the state. Not that any of this justifies her overbearing and awful mother's behavior.
Comment: #6
Posted by: myname
Fri Mar 8, 2013 9:34 AM
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I am only going to offer an opinion. I keep out of my kid business. One point of view that the mother might be taking, rightly or wrongly, Is that of benefits. Retirement and health coverage. It may be that the daughter had neither, is a poor financial planner or needs a structured job to preform well. That certainly is not what is at issue here, but is something to consider. At the LW's age it is presumptuous of the mother to demand and idiotic of the daughter to comply. There is obviously, much more to this senerio, as usual, then is being presented here. Her whining that the problem is her mothers is ludicrous! The books mentioned above are great examples of What can be done to overcome this sick relationship. Hope the LW reads the advice today.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Penny
Fri Mar 8, 2013 10:50 AM
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LW1 -
I kept reading your letter with increasing dread until sure enough, I see that you buckled under like an eight year-old. What Margo said (except for marriage, kai is right about that), and don't forget the part about the therapist. You need one yesterday.
Anmd check with the book list from hi There - it's a good one.
P.S.: Yes, it IS emotional abuse and blackmail, bullying, whatever you want to call it. And you do know what you SHOULD be doing, otherwise you would be complying without a peep of complaint and you wouldn't be writing.
LW2 -
This kind of sick retaliation is indicative of a number of things:
1. Your mother is vindictive and totally ruthless when on path to vengeance;
2. Your mother has no problem using your children to hurt you;
3. Your mother doesn't give a damn about these children. When you love someone, you want their happiness and what's best for them, and that certainly doesn't include using them as cannon fodder.
No, your mother will not change, this is her MO. Margo is right about that, although she suggested nothing. I suggest you very much limit the time she spends with your children, because what she is doing is very hurtful and confusing to your children. And regardless of how much you explain it has nothing to do with them, it will still be hurtful and confusing. Please don't subject them to that.
The common theme for today seem to be crazy, bitchy, ruthlessly narcissistic mothers.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 8, 2013 12:47 PM
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To LW1: You know that you need to get things back to the way they were before, or you would not have written. Go back to practicing law, and I hope you are still seeing your fiancé, so you can get that back on track again. Grow a backbone and get out from under your mother's thumb. She's had her chance at life, now it's your turn. She has no right living vicariously through you (which is what she is doing) and making you totally miserable.
Comment: #9
Posted by: j
Fri Mar 8, 2013 1:43 PM
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@ Lise Brouillette
"The common theme for today seem to be crazy, bitchy, ruthlessly narcissistic mothers."
Ding! Ding! Ding! You summed it up in a nutshell!
Comment: #10
Posted by: Chris
Fri Mar 8, 2013 2:14 PM
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LW1; kick your mother out.
LW2; kick your mother out.
Comment: #11
Posted by: JMM
Fri Mar 8, 2013 6:32 PM
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LW1; kick your mother out.
LW2; kick your mother out.
Comment: #12
Posted by: JMM
Fri Mar 8, 2013 6:32 PM
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LW1: Well, for a change an advice columnist tells it straight out. It's odd that a parent wants their child to leave a high-paying job as a lawyer to take a low-paying job. Something's wrong with this picture - either the mother, or the writer is a nutjob. Or both. Leave mom, and take charge of your life. She will never want you to get married - she is selfish. Soon you will be 60, with no family, and resent yourself for not having stood up for yourself when you had the chance. You deserve the right to have the life everyone else does. If you want a family, go for it now. Don't care what mom says anymore. Lean on your friends for support instead.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Salty
Sat Mar 9, 2013 5:58 AM
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@ JMM
Very well said! ;-)
Comment: #14
Posted by: Chris
Sat Mar 9, 2013 7:57 AM
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I think I'll forward this column to a friend of mine, who also has a toxic mother. In fact, her scenario is almost exactly LW1's, with mom being disappointed about her career choice, not liking her fiancee (who is a great guy!), refusing to attend the wedding, and even preventing other family members from going. Only difference is that my friend actually has a backbone and is ignoring her mother. But that doesn't stop her from feeling really bad about 'disappointing' her mother. All of her friends have told her she's making the right choice, maybe seeing how this LW handled it will make her feel just a tiny bit better. Dealing with rage all the time is no way to live. I just hope that the LW sees that and does what everyone here has been recommending: kick your mother out!
Comment: #15
Posted by: Seraina
Sat Mar 9, 2013 8:56 AM
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LW1: You're an idiot. Don't ever breed. Having said that - can't wait to see you on When Daughter's Kill. LOL
LW2: Kick your mother out and then ask yourself why you would allow this woman to treat your children that way.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Diana
Tue Mar 12, 2013 7:45 PM
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