Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

LW1 - Margo's advice is kind of terrible. She suggests that you get a babysitter so you & your wife can go to a destination wedding & leave a 2 year old behind for the weekend with a sitter? Great idea - kid is new to this country, new to your home, you're trying to build trust with him - and Margo tells you to dump him on a babysitter and go out to what she disparages as not even the first wedding? You would be better off to plan either that you all 3 stay together (everyone goes to the wedding or everyone stays home) or that you go, since it's your sister, and your wife stay home with the kid. I would lean towards taking the kid & everyone going to the wedding. He doesn't have a routine to disrupt, and San Diego is an awesome place with a kid. There are kid friendly beaches and the Wild Animal Park, to name just a few places that are fun to go.

Destination weddings are bad enough for a first wedding. For a second wedding, to expect relatives and friends to travel as you take vows to live ever after, (yet again,oops, first time was meaningless), to me is rude beyond the pale. LW1, I think if you are adopting a two-year old from a foreign country, he will probably have some issues, and more flying on planes to go to a destination (second) wedding might not be the best thing for him when all he will need now is to get used to you and your new family and his new home. And stability. Congratulations on the adoption.

Your sister needs to get over it. I would not have left any of my dogs to go to someone's second wedding at a destination, taking up my time and money and vacation time.

LW1: It's a little late for this suggestion, but maybe you shouldn't have mentioned anything until you had a better idea if the kid would be freaked out or if he would enjoy going on a trip. If he has actual trouble (as opposed to theoretical), then you could firmly say that your child was having issues and you can't go. Maybe you just should have said that with a child on the way, your budget's tight, if that's true or plausible. Personally, that would have been my stance from the get go - it's too bad if a bride has a hissy fit because people don't want to buy plane tickets to accompany her on her honeymoon - have your wedding before the honeymoon, not during.

@kai archie - that's pretty harsh, Margo doesn't seem to be saying to dump the kid off on a babysitter the night he arrives so they can go party; she's saying that IF they're planning on getting a regular babysitter or nanny, then IF it's possible, introduce her/him into the mix as soon as it seems like the child is ready, and maybe that time will come before the wedding.

LW1--For the love of Betsy, why are you even worrying about what your dumbass sister and your idiot parents think? You're absolutely correct that it is vastly more important to ensure your child acclimates to his new home and recovers from the ordeal of the trip than fly out to some overpriced tourist trap to watch a self-absorbed nitwit make a fool out of herself by throwing a splashy wedding for a second marriage. Inform your sister and your parents that you disagree with their assessment and that you hope they enjoy the wedding in your absence.

LW2--Unfortunately, I have to lean toward your assessment that your experience might be the new normal. In today's modern world of instant communication, on-line dating sights and smartphone apps like Grindr, ordering up a conquest for the evening is done as easily and conveniently as ordering a pizza. I agree with Margo that you're fishing in the wrong pool. Since you're conservative and appreciate more traditional dating and courtship, I advise you to cast your line in dating pools associated with religious organizations or traditional family values. Good luck.

LW1 - I think it's a little outrageous that your sister plans an destination wedding to be held within eight weeks (her second wedding), and expects everyone to drop whatever plans or situations they may be involved in and attend. Your priority is to your child, and whether or not he is outgoing, it's still a major life change for him, and I would skip the wedding. If your mother and sister are going to be unreasonable about it, when the wedding is over and they want to see your new son, they will be dancing to a different tune.

A babysitter???? Wow, such bad advice, Margo. New parenthood of a toddler who is likely coming from a foreign orphanage is not something you can outsource while you go boose it up on a beach!
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Destination weddings are usually a week long. The two-year-old (fearful and confused little people at the best of times) has already lost his parents and family (possibly through AIDS, war, disease or murder), may have been abused and/or neglected, has likely gone through upheaval and hunger, has gone through multiple caretakers at the orphanage, and will now be travelling to a foreign country with two people who are practically strangers to a place that is entirely unfamiliar to him, including the language, food, climate, culture, everything. Newly arrived, he will likely have attachment, behaviorial and emotional issues (as nearly all kids in these kinds of adoptions initially do, and some permanently).
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This is the time to finally start giving the kid his first taste of stability and permanent bonding. Yet you're advising his new parents, before his suitcase is barely unpacked, that if he is NOT outgoing and socialable (meaning that yes, he is having adjustment issues) then to leave him in the care of yet ANOTHER stranger so they can go to the second wedding of the father's sister? Yes, that will certainly soothe the tyke's abaondoment issues and give him the sense of security he needs to help him fit right in.
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Please come back to reality and rethink this daft and selfish advice, Margo. These people are becoming PARENTS. They're adopting an orphaned or abandoned child from a foreign country, not a pet hamster from the SPCA. Understand the difference.

I loathe destination weddings for the simple fact that the bride and groom expect people to spend spend spend on travel expenses, hotel, food, etc., which adds up quickly, and then get all bent out of shape when people can't afford to do it....not at all surprising in this economy. If you truly want people to attend your special day, pick a central location that is feasible to most of the guests. If not, then elope.

As for the letter writer, if your sister and parent can't understand why you won't travel with your newly-adopted toddler, then I wouldn't go just on that fact alone.

Your priority is to yuor son. Your also need to explain to your sister more about the adoption process, and the fact that he's already 2 means he will need time to adjust. He's not a robot. Also, from what I hear, children from Ethiopia are not always orphans - their mom has to give them up or else they will die of starvation. So he knows he has a mommy, and she can't be with him - that is a huge ordeal for him in the first place, if in fact you are not his first mommy, but his "new" one. Taking him to a wedding means every single person will come up to him, expect him to be sociable, ask why he is not, pinch his cheeks, want to hold him, want to feed him (and he's probably only used to Ethiopian food til now, the food transition is also a big thing, should be done carefully to not upset his tummy), talk to him in English which he does not yet know, and will badger you with questions about the adoption. Tell THAT to your sister, see if she has an ounce of sensitivity in her.

The other option is, to take him on the trip, but find a sitter just for the few hours of the wedding. Or, maybe you go to the wedding, and your spouse stays with the child, and then your spouse goes to the reception and you stay with him. That is a compromise that if your sister does not accept it, she is simply an insensitive clod.

LW1 -
A child is not a stuffed toy you can cart around. The boy had needs, which come ahead the whims of a second-time-around bridezila. Even if it was a first-time wedding, still it wouldn't be all about her only. She has the right to decide who's on the list of invites, not to force you to attend.

Depending on the child's history and personality, he may be boisterous and love noisy, crowdy situations, but if he's a child of war with PTSD, that's another story. And keep in mind you may be the first white people he's ever seen in his life - a room full of them that early on may be a bit much. You'll see what you're dealing with when he gets here, and you are wise to adopt a wait and see attitude.

Both your sister and your parents are the ones being selfish - and unreasonable, AND shallow. Destination wedding for a #2, heh? I wonder what kind of production the groom turned his proposal into. The latest letter at Amy Alkon is of interest.

LW2 -
You might want to try Christian sites, but be prepared to be religious for real and not just for three seconds. And also they might want to wait until marriage, which I don't recommend, as sexual compatibility is an important part of a marriage's success.

There's a middle ground between all the "bring him along and find a sitter' and the hysteria of "abondonment issues! adjustment issues! PTSD! AIDS! WAR!" Hold up, folks. He's a two-year old. Yes, he has a brain and an undeveloped memory, but no understanding. Two-year olds are interested in whatever is in front of them at the moment. It's up to the new parents to set the tone, not the child. The worst thing they can do at this point, as I see it, is to treat the child like a mental patient, nervously looking for meaning behind every quirk. If the parents are confident and secure, the child will become that way too. The destination wedding should be barely a blip on their radar, but if these are first time parents (and they probably are) they're likely to make all the mistakes of first time parents - worrying about every little thing until the child really IS neurotic.

I agree with Maggie Lawrence (#10). Children are incredibly resiliant and while it may take a while to be the kind of kid most Americans expect, he'll probably be fine. He's still young enough to form attachments without issue. If, however, he was abused in some way even toddlers can be VERY hard to handle. We had one kid at the center I worked at who was like this, and could be violent or sweet at the drop of the hat. It all depends on the kid and the situation. My advice to LW is don't make up trouble for yourself. See how it goes and decide what to do then.
On a side note, I took Margo's suggestion of a babysitter to mean for the night of the wedding in San Diego, not to leave him home with a sitter for multiple days.

My sister adopted a little girl who was 20 months old. My niece's personality was fairly introverted at that age, (while my own daughter was an extrovert from day one) so it really depends on the child. Only the parents can make that determination and remember, they are also going to be adjusting as well.

My advice and CONGRATULATIONS! to LW2 is to pass on the wedding. Stay home and concentrate on the child and their own family. You too are adjusting and getting to know your child. I wish you all the best. And Margo did give you good advice, find a babysitter to work with from the get-go, it will give you the rest you need when you need it.

And I agree with Chris, what kind of woman insists that her wedding is more important than the needs of a toddler?!!

Shame on the parents for placating the dumba$$ bridezilla. What on earth are they thinking?!

Um, Maggie and Wynn, I hate to disagree with you but this is not a kid who has had a normal upbringing until now, he is a boy (very different from girls like your niece, sorry), and no, kids are not nearly as resilient as people would love to believe. It is pretty much proven that children who do not have a foundational relationship with one caretaker before age six months (e.g., are bounced around from caretaker to caretaker to caretaker) have attachment issues. Some are so bad that the adoptive families end up giving the kid back months later.This kid is two.
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Now I would agree with you that there is a good chance the kid will get over this EVENTUALLY, but being bounced for a week to another caretaker and back again so SOON after his arrival (could be the same week he is arriving) is going to be extremely upsetting for him, and could prolong the transition period to his new home, not to mention making it much harder on him. (When my kids were two, they couldn't even get to sleep without their favorite blankie, let alone being in a place where there was not one familiar thing, and they were from a solid, loving, stable home.) A week to a two-year-old is an ETERNITY, not a blip, especially to one that has no person or place to ground themselves to and has quite likely been through traumatic experiences. (Ethiopia is not the U.S.)
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I could understand putting a kid through that added stress and emotional trauma (not to mention delaying your own bonding with your new child--why on earth would you want to miss such a big chunk of time from those first few precious weeks after waiting so long to get him??) if it was for something life-threatening or actually IMPORTANT. But sorry, a destination wedding for a second marriage does not even come close to qualifying in my books. Maybe in yours. But having a child come into your life, especially your first, is always a big, stressful and life-changing transition. Having your first child come into your life when he's a two-year-old from an impoverished and troubled country like Ethiopia and you don't know what he's been through--multiplies that transition many times over for all involved. This first-time Dad actually has his head on straight and has a lot of wisdom. His sister and mother are twits. Fact is, he will miss his new son terribly if he does go to the wedding, so why on earth would he go?

Wynn, sorry I was in a hurry and mixed up two BTLs in my head--you didn't say the things I thought you had so please disregard!

Jane, by "blip on the radar" I was referring to the importance of a destination wedding to this new father - in other words, it shouldn't be important at all. Meaning, he shouldn't worry about going. The rest of my point is that the child doesn't know he comes from a third world, impoverished country. He only knows (vaguely) what his life has been to this point with nothing to compare it to. Obviously it hasn't been ideal, but nothing in the letter tells us the situation he's in now, and I still say, kids that aren't treated like mental patients or breakable glass can prove quite resilient.

I suggest spouse stays home with the new kid and you travel to the wedding and attend solo, if it's that important to you. For me, personally, I'm not sure it would be and I think that's fine.

@Jane - what I already said in post #3. Margo doesn't seem to say "dump the kid off on a babysitter and go party, the night you get him.", in fact, she says "I agree that your first priority is the family's new addition". Like I said, I don't understand why we need to assign a theoretical personality and reaction to the kid right now, he will have an actual one, and then the parents can probably say truthfully "We absolutely cannot go, our son really needs us right now".
Anyway, regardless of the kid's theoretical issues, they should have just said they can't manage a destination wedding right now, period. They don't sound like they'd want to go anyway.

As the parent of two Ethiopian adoptees and somebody who knows a dozen other families, I can say with personal authority that Margo's advice is, well, cruel and horrible.

Ethiopian orphans are always adopted out of orphanages where they stay for some months while they wait the adoption process to take place.

Such children have already lost at least one set of parents (either through death or abandonment) and have time to bond with their caregivers. whom they subsequently lose when they're adopted.

Now those children are being asked to bond with an entirely new set of parents in a completely unfamiliar environment. Introducing another caregiver into the picture makes things far more difficult.

Attachment issues are common in adoptees. Having been abandoned multiple times, they find it difficult to trust, at a gut level, that these parents, too, aren't going to suddenly abandon them.

My seven year old daughter (adopted at 2) still cries inconsolably whenever my wife goes somewhere, even when she knows that my wife will be back in an hour.

Both Margo and the sister are falling into the very common and insensitive error of thinking that it's less work to adopt a 2 year old from a third world country than to have a biological baby.

Well, it's not less work. It's MORE work, both for the parents and the child, so unless you've actually gone through it, you should keep your ignorant suggestions to yourself.

Also, I'll bet you $1,000 that bridezilla didn't even *consider* throwing the adoptive mother a baby shower.

I just discussed this letter with my wife and she was appalled that anyone would be insensitive enough to bundle a new adoptee onto a plane and force the child to spend a week away from home. As for the idea of a babysitter, she considered it insanely cruel. What adoptees need is consistency and the presence of their REAL parents (by which I mean their adoptive parents). They don't need to be at a huge party in a strange place full of strange people. The new mom should (sweetly) tell sis where to shove her wedding.

Re: Geoffrey James
Thank you for your perpspective, there is nothing like the voice of experience.

Considering what you said about attachment issues, I still believe an additional caretaker should be introduced in the picture, but she should be so right from the start and coming to visit often enough that the child perceives her as a regular attachment to the household. These parents WILL need some relief once in a while, and to be left in the care of someone he will have had time and opportunity to get used to and bond with appears reasonable to me.

Lise is right, introducing at least one regular caretaker is important. Even with the best of intentions to be a present parent and a stay at home provider, emergencies come up, not to mention the benefits for adults to go out and be adults with their spouses once in a while for both parents and children. If it's someone the kid is already used to, it's so much easier.
Also, thank you, Geoffrey. All of my experience with adopted kids has been from one or two from European or Asian countries or (more commonly) ones in the US, generally out of foster care. Foster care has it's own challenges, much like the little boy I mentioned in my previous post. I had not thought about developing nation orphanages in my answer.

LW1 -- I honestly couldn't help wondering if Margo just missed the entire "destination wedding" part of the letter, because it really sounds like she's thinking of it from the standpoint of getting a babysitter for the night, not for a long weekend or longer.

If this couple were expecting a new child the old-fashioned way, I bet no one would be saying, "oh, just bring the kid" -- most people would get that traveling with a brand new baby is not generally recommended. And it's not just about the fact that the baby hasn't had all his shots -- it's also that Mom and Dad are adjusting to a whole new way of life (as is the newborn, for whom even just pooping can be an unsettling experience). Indeed, I had my son about a month before one of my cousin's got married (for the first time, if that's relevant), and it was a destination wedding (and would have been a "destination" wedding for me regardless, as he lives a good 500 miles away from me). No one expected me to attend. No one gave me a hard time about it. No one suggested, "oh, just bring the kid." Everyone got it -- traveling to a wedding a month after becoming parents was not in the cards.

Well, this kid may be two and will already be something of a world traveler by the time he arrives at his new parents' house, but for these parents and their new son, this is all new territory. PERHAPS they will feel comfortable by the time the wedding rolls around, but I wouldn't bet on it. Even without Geoffrey James speaking from experience (and many thanks to you, GJ, for that!), I'm with all the rest who said focus on your son and don't worry about your idiot sister and parents. And BTW, I would say that even if this were a first wedding. In fact, I would say that even if this were a first wedding for which a date was announced more than a year ago. Sorry, but new birth/adoption trumps wedding, period.

LW1 -- Not that you should need to "prove" or explain yourself further to your idiot relatives, but you might consider consulting with a psychologist/psychiatrist who specializes in adoption and attachment disorders. I'm betting such a specialist is going to strongly advise that you BOTH stay home. And then you can go to your sister and parents and say, look, we consulted with Dr. So-and-So, and here's what he said. Perhaps if these nitwits hear it from a renowned expert they will get it. And in the meantime, they will see that you made an effort to look into the feasibility of this.

LW2 -- While this may be the "new normal," who says you have to settle for that crap? Please don't give up.

LW2 - It might be "normal" for the men you're dating, but it's not normal for YOU. If it's any consolation, adding sex to the short-term dating equation doesn't make one bit of difference in determining long-term compatibility.

Incidentally...there are some user groups out there who cater specifically to people who want to wait for sex for reasons other than religious. And if you can't find one suitable, why not start your own? I bet you get plenty of takers.

LW1, this is all SO unnecessary.

1. No matter what you say, or what a half-dozen experts say, or Margo says: Most people don't understand anything about adoption from Ethiopia, international adoption, or even adoption. Their limited knowledge of child-rearing comes from their direct experience. They MIGHT get an inkling of what you're going through in a few months (via witnessing, FB status updates, conversation with you) but understand that right now, they have no clue. This is not their fault, BTW; it's just so totally outside their experience that they have no idea how little they know.Remember that.

2. You therefore have to just do what you believe is best, based on the info you have available,and have the confidence to follow through. This is a skill that will stand you in good stead throughout your time as a parent. You might as well get started developing the ability to smile, remain pleasant, and continue as you were doing whenever you get unsolicited advice.

3. Recognize that this IS a big event for your sister, and do what you can to show that you understand that. Can you throw her a shower now? Arrange a sisters weekend or trip before you immerse yourself in parenting? Help her shop for a dress? This gives you more time to reiterate that you really wish you could be there and that you'll be thinking of them. Maybe you can even deliver nice gift you pick out (with card signed by you & hubby, and with son's name added) now.

3a)Ask your sister whether she can arrange for a guest to Skype the ceremony to you. This is becoming increasingly popular as weddings require travel that elderly relatives often can't manage.YOU will dress up and make sure you are uninterrupted during the ceremony (put your husband on toddler-wrangling duty in another room if the child's awake). This underscores your declaration that you would be there if you could and conveys your excitement about your sister's big day while demonstrating that you don't believe the world has come to revolve around you and your family.

@hedgehog -- all very sensible advice, though I do want to note that the LW is a man and is the bride-to-be's brother. This doesn't preclude him from dress shopping or throwing a shower, necessarily, but it does preclude a sharing a "sisters' weekend" (though not a sibling's weekend), and I do think it makes it far less likely that this portion of your advice is going to be taken. I love my brother, but there's a reason I didn't invite him to come dress shopping with me! :)

But even if this WAS a sister writing in, depending on the timing of the little boy's arrival, the LW may simply not have the time to do any of these things, even if he wanted to.

I agree that the LW needs to demonstrate that he totally understands that this is a big event for his sister and show that he appreciates that and sincerely wish the timing were such that he could be there for her, but I'm not sure the answer is to then commit to trying to do a bunch of other things that, in the end, he may not be able to make good on. It's one of the reasons I suggested getting an expert's advice. It may not change the parents' or sister's mind to hear what an expert had to say but at least then:

1) LW1 knows this isn't just a case of ignorance about international adoption -- it's a case of WILLFUL ignorance -- they will be choosing not to believe an expert so that they can continue to be mad at the LW and choosing NOT to try to learn and understand what their son/brother (and future grandson/nephew!) is going through. He may want to use that as a guide in the future when he's expecting forbearance and understanding where he may not be so likely to get it. He should keep an open mind that they will eventually get it -- but also be prepared for them to NEVER get it if they would rather choose to be affronted than choose to learn more and understand.

2) LW1 will have shown HIS willingness to do the research and talk with an expert before automatically ruling out attending this wedding -- in other words, he will have shown that he DOES get that this is an important event for his sister and that he at least made an effort to figure out if there's a way to make this work or not. And if the parents and sister don't get that, well, once again, then the LW can use that as a guide in the future when he's expecting forbearance and understanding where he may not be so likely to get it.

I'm about to offer wild speculation along the lines of what we have come to expect from Bobaloo, so bear with me, but I suspect that part of the problem here is that the LW, for as much as he loves his sister, doesn't think much of this impending marriage, and not simply because it's a second marriage, and not simply because he found out about it relatively last-minute (in the scheme of destination weddings, two months' notice isn't a lot) and not simply because it's a destination wedding (which manny people really don't like). I'm basing this admittedly wild speculation on the LW's making a point of noting this is a second wedding, which, to give LW his due, he made the statement in the shortest, least judgmental way possible. But he also says that his sister told him about the coming nuptials just two short months before they are going to happen. Now, again, he says this in about the least judgmental way possible -- merely giving us the facts that "this is when I found out about her coming wedding, which is a destination wedding and is her second wedding." But I'm going to suggest that behind his "just the facts, ma'am" way or writing this letter, lurks a an opinion that likely has at least some negativity to it -- negativity that may well have leaked out in his conversations with his sister and parents.

Technically, the fact that this is her second wedding shouldn't matter. It's still a big, major, life-changing event for her. That he felt a need to point this fact out suggests he probably does think the fact that it's her second wedding does somehow render it less important or makes it less imperative that he attend. That he only found out about her wedding plans a scant two months ahead could suggest a variety of different possibilities here, including:

1) they're not really that close -- it's possible she's been dating this guy for quite some time and the wedding has been in the works for quite some time, but because they're not all that close, she only just recently got around to telling him about this.

2) they ARE close, in which case the reason she is only just now telling him about this could be because this has been a "whirlwind" romance. And if that's the case, LW may well be thinking "this is some crazy whim of hers to marry this guy she hasn't even known that long and expects me to drop everything to be there? I don't think so."

Again, that is WILD speculation on my part. It could be one of these things, it could be neither of these things. I just suspect that for as non-judgmental as the LW was in his letter, he's got some decided opinions about this wedding and/or relationship that may be coloring his interaction with his parents and sister. Maybe not -- he did a very good job of keeping the tone of his letter entirely unbiased, and that can be awfully hard to do if what you're really thinking is, "I can't believe my idiot sister expects me to drop everything for some fly-by-night relationship..."

So, honestly, I'm speculating for the sheer amusement of speculating. And I do think that most of your advice really is good -- learning the fine art of shrugging off parenting advice with a smile is definitely a valuable lesson. And I also agree that the LW does need to make some effort to show he gets that this is important to his sister and that he cares about it.

I'd neglected to remember that LW is indeed male, which absolutely means my ideas are less on target. I do get that the timing may not work, depending on the child's arrival; my intent, though, was to get LW thinking along the lines of "what can I do to show my sister that she IS important to me?

I wasn't suggesting he do all or even most of those things; I don't think that's at all necessary (or that he transgender to have a "sisters weekend, lol). I wanted him to recognize that once the kid comes, he's going to be even LESS available, so this is the time to step away from painting the nursery for a moment and maybe build his sister a bookshelf as a wedding gift, or suggest a long weekend to spend together -- whatever. The idea not being to over commit but to pick ONE idea that's both achievable and meaningful.


I don't think that talking with an expert is a bad idea, but I think LW needs to approach this as for HIS benefit in info-gathering and making decisions on his own as a parent, rather than as any kind of ammo that's likely to stop his family's ignorance. I think the family is likely to brush off the expert's advice: "Oh, and my pediatrician said the baby would eat every 2 hours... but she never did! Experts don't know everything, and LW is just in that jittery new parent stage where they think the world has to come to a halt because they have a new child! Every child is different!"

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I'm about to offer wild speculation along the lines of what we have come to expect from Bobaloo,
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LOL!

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I suspect that part of the problem here is that the LW, for as much as he loves his sister, doesn't think much of this impending marriage,

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I agree. I believe he is desperately wanting backup from Margo, and that is why he went to great lengths to keep the tone even, to ensure he looked reasonable.

On reading again today, though, what's jumping out at me is "we will make every effort to be at the wedding" and that the child may not even be there at the time of the wedding.

In retrospect, if he'd had any inkling that his family might respond this way, he probably should have RSVP'd yes for the both of them, even though he expects the transition may preclude their attendance. And then, if the transition proved as choppy as he has every reason to believe it will, to say as the date draws closer, the kind of thing you say when you have to cancel "I'm sorry, we very much wanted to come, but nobody is sleeping here. He's bad in crowds, and he screams on airplanes nonstop.. and to top it off, he arrived with head lice that have now infected my wife and me. We wish we could be with you; can you have someone Skype us?"

Much as you might if your household were stricken with the Norovirus or chicken pox 3 days before the wedding, or if your house burned down the day before you were set to leave.

Could someone tell me what BTL's are? I assume "L" is for letter, but BT???

gregm -- BTL = Below The Line. It refers to the line that divides the column (Margo or other) from the free-for-all that takes place in the comment section. You. Me. All of us. :)

@hedgehog -- yup, totally agree with everything you said at #27. My guess is he may well have thought he was doing the right thing by telling them, "look, we're going to make every effort, but be aware this just may not work out" because he was assuming that:

1) Weddings, in general, and destination weddings, in particular, require a lot of advance planning, and he thought they'd prefer to know in advance that he and his family's attendance is by no means a sure thing, and
2) These were reasonable, rational human beings who love him and would understand his situation.

As you noted earlier, a lot of people really don't understand the ins and outs of adoption in general, much less the additional complications that can come with adopting a toddler from another country. You are (as usual) more understanding/kinder on this than I am. I think this guy's family sounds like a bunch of cluebags. You don't need to be an expert on international adoption to know that welcoming a new child -- of ANY age, under ANY circumstances -- is fraught with potential complications that may not be smoothed over by "just bring the kid with you." Still, your general advice to try to do SOMETHING with/for the bride before the child's arrival and show a little more enthusiasm for her big event is good -- it likely would go a long way toward smoothing some ruffled feathers.

Yeah, Lisa, I agree. He was practicing basic courtesy with those two basic assumptions in mind.

He may have had no previous bad experience with them in this kind of interaction, in which case this hits out of left field (and can take your breath away when it does).

But if they are indeed a bunch of cluebags...if he and his sister have a rocky history as you surmised earlier...if he'd had indication ever that they are not "reasonable, rational human beings who love him and who would understand"...well, it would have been wise for him to consider that he might again be accused of being self-centered.

Maybe this serves as his wake-up call. It's a good time to take a good look at the family dynamic and devise a strategy for dealing with crazy WHEN it happens, rather than hoping it doesn't and flying by the seat of his pants if it shows up. (If it doesn't, he's out nothing). Because kids, as you and I know, mean all kinds of opportunity for greater interaction... and all kinds of crazy to show up!

@hedgehog -- amen!

LW1: Your sister and mother are the selfish ones - they knew about your adoption way before they planned this stupid wedding. You're better off without those two idiots.

LW2: Dating should be fun - it shouldn't be an interview process for potential mates. Learn to enjoy yourself and stop being so serious.