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The main problem is that the dating success is not equal. I …Read more.
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Dear Annie: I am a single mom of a 4-year-old boy who is being abused by my ex-husband and his wife. After a visit, he comes home bruised and scratched with black eyes. He has had scabies more than a dozen times. The worst thing is that my son was …Read more.
Happy Mother's Day
Dear Readers: Happy Mother's Day. Please phone your mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, stepmother or foster mother and wish them the best. And our special good wishes to all the new mommies who are celebrating their very first Mother's Day. Also, …Read more.
Thank You, Mom and Dad
Dear Annie: I am writing a long overdue thank-you note to my parents. They are faithful readers of your column. Mom and Dad, I am thankful that:
You stood your ground and did not give in to me, even when I threw fits and demanded my way.
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Solitude Saboteurs
Dear Annie: I desperately need your help. I thoroughly love my solitude. I love to garden, cook, sew and read. I grill every few weeks and make it a fantastic outdoor experience just for me.
I could hardly wait to retire so I could finally enjoy myself completely. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that way. Between my neighbors, relatives and even former in-laws, my time is no longer my own. I am interrupted while doing yard work or sitting on my deck. And heaven forbid I begin to grill. One person has figured out how often I grill and tends to arrive at that time and finagle an invitation. When I make an excuse to prevent the intrusion, he turns it into a guilt trip.
I am at the end of my rope. I no longer look forward to good weather, because I know it means another season being bothered by intrusive people. How do I stop this without turning everyone into an enemy? — Want My Solitude Back
Dear Want: These people are taking advantage of you, and you are permitting it because you fear they will dislike you otherwise. Don't be afraid to set boundaries on this behavior. It's perfectly OK to say you are not up to having company, that you would prefer to be alone, that you don't have enough food to invite them for dinner or that you cannot entertain at the moment. You don't have to give excuses or reasons. It is your home. Escort them to the door while repeating that you are so sorry you cannot accommodate them. If you do it enough, they will understand that you are not the local coffee shop, and they will be more respectful of your time.
Dear Annie: I was dating this amazing girl for a few months, when all of a sudden, she up and told me her feelings toward me had changed. She won't tell me what happened or why she doesn't want me in that way anymore. The most confusing part is that she still calls me at 3 in the morning just to talk, or gets me to stay up all night because she can't sleep and doesn't want to be alone. When I see her, she still has that look on her face that says I just made her day.
It's very confusing, and I don't know what to make of it. I still have feelings for her. It's been a few months, and I don't know how to broach the subject. — Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed: For your own mental health, please break things off completely. We don't doubt that this girl is fond of you, but not in a way that will make you happy. She is treating you like a puppy: something to cuddle when she's feeling low, but otherwise left in the kennel. Tell her you are finished taking on the role of platonic confidante, and stop answering her late-night calls. You cannot get over her if you remain involved in the hope that she will change her mind. You can do better.
Dear Annie: "Animal Lover" makes a valid point that no one wants an animal to soil their carpets. I have a solution.
Please tell your readers that there are doggie diapers (for females) and belly bands (for males) that can be found at pet shops and on the Internet. My elderly boy wears his belly band daily because his medication causes frequent urination.
These options should make it easier for hosts to welcome their canine guests. It also provides pet owners options for their own homes. There is no reason to give up your elderly or medicated canine or to suffer unnecessarily. That's when our furry children need us the most. — Please Share
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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52 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 You can only be guilted into something if you allow yourself. Just tell the person you only bought one whatever you are fixing and that you are just so sorry. Or else, just be honest and say that you are not up for company. Since you clearly prefer to be alone then it doesn`t matter whether these people like or dislike you. However, make sure that you are not in turn using them.....seeking them out for company when "you" want company but then ignoring them the rest of the time. That is just rude and you would be "using" them.
LW2 Stop answering the phone at 3am. Let your family know you are getting prank calls in the middle of the night and will be letting all calls go to voice mail for a while. Then when you do go to bed set the phone to go over after the first ring. If you hear family calling with an emergency then pick up the phone. Otherwise, ignore it. If she asks just say that you decided that you did not do well the next day when your sleep was interrupted. Do it with a charming smile and say sorry. She is not interested in you except as a crutch to use. Go find someone that really appreciates you.
LW3 Good idea. First time you ask a dog owner to put one of those on their dog will be the last time they bring them over.....or perhaps even come over. So just make sure that the person you are saying this to is someone you are not really interested in having over to your house. I say this as someone who dog sat for someone for five months while they were deployed (yes military) and we are still finding spots where he marked the house....the furniture, the walls.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Kelsey
Fri Mar 15, 2013 9:58 PM
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LW1 -
Build a very high fence and don't answer the door or the phone.
LW2 -
Don't broach the subject, in fact don't broach ANY subject and cut off all contact with her. You'll never get over her while she keeps you hanging on. And find yourself another girlfriend.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:02 PM
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With regard to LW1, I find it so refreshing to encounter a person who is alone and very happy that way. That kind of person seems to be pretty rare.
I am married and have a child who no longer lives at home, but we are kind of similar. We are cordial with our neighbors, but we always wanted to keep things at arm's length, except for our son's friends. Try adding a pool into the mix, and kids were showing up at all times.
Maybe I am a little stand-offish, but when people intruded on our space, I found it sufficient to just refuse all invitations from them, and chat, but never invite anyone. We were just too busy.
I agree with you, Lise, about the fence. We have the high fence, never answer the door unless we are expecting people, and we screen our calls. I understand the LW is happy that way, and we are also, but there might come a day when it gets a little lonely behind the fence.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Carly O
Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:23 PM
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LW1: Wow, do I know how you feel! It's not easy to be an introvert in this hyper-socialized society. I think it's especially hard for women; nobody believes you choose solitude. Not in a coffee shop, library, park, not at home, not in life. Men never have to put up with constant intrusions on their privacy - but when women genuinely want solitude? We're freaks, apparently. Judged. Mocked.
I'm not buying that schtick anymore.
I no longer make excuses. I've taken to displaying or carrying books about the power of solitude. To anyone that's bugging me, I talk about how introverts are historically smarter, more innovative, and more creative than extroverts. I tell people about Susan Cain's TED Talk and about her book, Quiet, where she talks about how the forced socialization in companies (from useless team meetings to open office spaces) is demonstrably bad for innovation, progress and profit. I get my point across and, I admit it -- I intentionally make extroverts feel uncomfortable for a change. Like intruders!
Then, I remind myself to stop beating myself up for being happy instead of social. It's overrated. Oh, and so exhausting! I'm not unhealthy, I'm not "sick" and I'm no freak.
Spread the word, fellow introverts! The bias against introverts is everywhere, and yet, we're a third to half of the human population. We need to stop making excuses - introversion is not inferior.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Johanna
Fri Mar 15, 2013 11:26 PM
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* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *
LW3 refers to the second letter on 6 January 2013.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Fri Mar 15, 2013 11:33 PM
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We are not introverts. We are more interested in listening to other people than in listening to our own blather. And speaking of blather, we have less of it since we only say what we feel is of interest to the listener and say it concisely. We are not, contrary to popular opinion, focused on ourselves. A very wise man once wrote: "Whereof one knows nothing, thereof let him be silent." Then there is the saying: "It is better to be silent and be thought ignorant then to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."
Comment: #6
Posted by: Linda Dorfmont
Fri Mar 15, 2013 11:48 PM
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Re: Linda Dorfmont
Linda, an introvert is not a narcissist. Please look it up, because your characterization of introversion is very insulting...I think? I am pretty confused whom you're speaking of when you say "We are not introverts"? Are you saying introverts are interested in "listening to their own blather?"
That couldn't be more wrong.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Johanna
Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:02 AM
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LW1--"I no longer look forward to good weather, because I know it means another season being bothered by intrusive people." Like you, I also cherish my solitude and enjoy doing things by myself. Unfortunately, there are a multitude of ignorant clods who will use a person's decorum and good manners to get away with all sorts of inappropriate behavior including dropping by without calling first or inviting themselves to stay for dinner. What you need to do is take a firm stance. "While I'm delighted to see you Mary, as you can see I'm in the middle of weeding my garden." Then you walk away and return to whatever it is you were doing. As for the rude individual who tends to "drop by" when he knows you're grilling you say "Sorry Frank, I'm expecting guests in half an hour so I'll see you later..." Rinse and repeat. If the man has an ounce of sense, he'll eventually get the hint. In the meantime, I strongly advise that you look into installing a fence around your yard with a gate that requires a key code to pass.
LW2--"She won't tell me what happened or why she doesn't want me in that way anymore." She's a woman, of course her behavior is enigmatic and confusing. Here's the poop. This girl likes you because you're sweet and nice and probably fall all over yourself doing nice things for her and making yourself available around the clock and making her feel special. On the other hand, she's holding out for the egotistical jerk on a motorcycle who will disappear for weeks at a time; appears mainly for money or sex and generally treats her like dirt most of the time. Get the picture? There's an old expression that says if you love someone set it free; it it returns to you it was meant to be. Tell this girl that her continued contact is confusing and you think it best if she stops calling. Then be "busy" should she call back again. That's why they invented voice mail.
LW3--I have a solution too...it's called LEAVE YOUR DAMNED DOG HOME!
Comment: #8
Posted by: Chris
Sat Mar 16, 2013 4:17 AM
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Ya I think Linda is confused about introverts too.
At least now I know I'm not the only gal who enjoys time away from the world. I get so frustrated with my husband who would do something on Saturday and asks/pleads with me to go with. With everything I do I like to have the time to do it all.
As to the guy who comes over cause he has it figured out when you are grilling, wow that is gutsy and rude of him. Say you only bought enough for one and to excuse yourself to make dinner cause you have so much to do afterwards (like yard work, reading book, whatever you want). But wow on gutsy and then guilt trip?!? Wow.
LW2: Cease contact. If you were her boyfriend that is one thing but you are not so stop taking her calls. Perhaps in time when you have another girlfriend you two can be friends again. But right now no. Not with 3 am phone calls.
Kelsey on LW3, I think folks may continue to bring their Puddles with them. My sister got quite few diapers for her dogs mostly for the elderly ones. She should put them on all cause none of them have been known to be trust worthy
Comment: #9
Posted by: Kath
Sat Mar 16, 2013 4:27 AM
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LW1, I think it really is simply a matter of standing your ground. If these people are important to you, you should find ways to socialize with them away from your home, and then make sure you say something about the intrusions at home -- as in, how much you enjoy your solitude. And then build that fence and make sure the gate is closed and locked when you are back at home. Some people may be a bit disgruntled at your attitude at first, but that's the price you must pay.
LW2, your situation is the gender-reverse of something we've seen in the past as well -- she is stringing you along as a "safety net" but really isn't interested in you for dating any more. For your own emotional health, you do, absolutely, need to make a cleaner break. Just let her know that it's too difficult for you to get over her this way, and that it will be healthier for both of you to confide in other friends for a while. And then stick to your guns
LW3, that may be an answer in a few cases, but as a fellow "dog person" with an elderly canine companion who is 15-1/2 years old, I still have to say that often the right answer is leaving the dog at home, either alone or with someone else to watch them, while you socialize at other people's homes. If you are going to be overnight with a visit, then definitely find someone to watch the dog for you or find a good kennel service. Not everyone loves our pets as much as we do, and it's important to respect other people's home environments and decisions about whether or not they want dogs in *their* homes.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Mike H
Sat Mar 16, 2013 4:41 AM
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LW1: I don't know if I would build a fence, as some of the BTL'ers have suggested ... but I would definitely recommend standing your ground. SImply state that this dinner is for you/your family/already invited guests and that we'd appreciate your company another time. Then escort them away ... . If they get rude or belligerent (some no doubt will) then be more firm or stern, as the situation requires.
You only get your way -- your solitude and peace of mind -- IF (and only IF) you SPEAK UP!
LW2: Dump this girl. If you have to for a few months, unplug the phone and turn off all cellular phones, and -- assuming she knows where you live -- don't answer the door under any circumstances (unless, of course, the person at the door identifies him/herself as a police officer or member of your family). Delete their phone number and cut off all contact (e.g., unfriend on Facebook) and get this girl off your mind. If you have to, cross the street to avoid running into her.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Bobaloo
Sat Mar 16, 2013 5:50 AM
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LW1 - I wouldn't cut off contact with people all together. You may need help someday, and the very people you think are "interrupting your solitude" may be the ones who find you on the floor with a broken hip. I'm not saying you have to feed everyone who shows up when you're grilling (a good fence with a gate that locks would solve that problem - just put on a pair of headphones and pretend not to hear them rattling the gate and trying to mooch your food). but it would be wise to keep some personal connections. You never know when you might need them.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Rebecca
Sat Mar 16, 2013 5:57 AM
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LW1 You must be an absolutely fascinating, fun individual to be around. Why else do people seek you out for your company? If you were grumpy and rude, people would not go out of their way to see you. Someone once wrote in this column that a way of getting rid of unwanted guests who seemed to always drop in at dinner time was to prepare a plate for them and thoroughly salt their food when they weren't looking. Perhaps you can find a creative way to discourage uninvited visitors along these lines.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Rozelle
Sat Mar 16, 2013 6:06 AM
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All of the letters today are about defining personal boundaries.
LW1: Now is the time to be a crotchety old person. Just tell people you want to be left alone. Do that about four times and people will leave you alone. Then will come the letter from you saying that you don't have any friends.
LW2: For once, I have to agree with both Chris and Mike. From a girl perspective, I would say she likes having you as a FRIEND but don't count on getting back "together", if you know what I mean.
Likely your ex-girlfriend looks at you as a safe harbor, someone she can talk to after a bad date, or a lonely night out with the girls where she's the one who went home alone. In short, she's USING you to stroke her own ego that she's still desirable. She calls you at 3am because she's quite possibly drunk too. It's called drunk dialing.
If it is so disturbing to you to talk to her right now, the Annies are right. You need to completely cut contact. Block her number or let the call roll to voicemail.
(PS: I had one guy I knew who used to call my house every weekend at 3am. My mother, who had a phone by her bed, used to answer the phone and say "If you can't respect my daughter and my family enough to call at a decent hour, then don't call again." Then she'd hang up. The guy NEVER remembered calling my home because he was so drunk when he called. I ran into him at a party one time and asked him why he kept calling my house. He was drunk enough to tell me the truth which was he was in love with me but thought he'd never get a date. So he just called. The mind boggles but there you have it. He died in a drunk driving accident about 5 months after that party.)
LW3: If someone comes to my house with their pet, they aren't allowed in. We have a dog in the house who was a rescue from a kill shelter and she freaks out when strange animals enter the place, so other people's pets aren't allowed in. We have a pet sitter who lives about 5 miles away, and I always request my family kennel their pets with her. Bottom line, this is MY house and MY RULES (pay attention, LW1!), It's not so much about the messes another animal can make to me, as it is keeping my dog happy. But thanks for the tips on the diapers. I didn't know they existed!
Comment: #14
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 16, 2013 6:10 AM
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LW3: There is also medication for canine urinary incontinence, which frequently occurs in elderly spayed females. Your dog may not care about the indignity of diapers, but may rip them off anyway.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Margie-Pete
Sat Mar 16, 2013 6:19 AM
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I can think of few things more repulsive than someone's dog taking a dump in the middle of my house and having to change his diaper afterwards. I would sooner buy a pet wolverine to finish him (and his owner) off before they crossed the threshold.
And hooray for introverts. We prefer our own company to the mindless chatter of others keeping our own thoughts at bay.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Jpp
Sat Mar 16, 2013 6:29 AM
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Re: Rozelle
Hahahaha! Great post :)
Comment: #17
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 16, 2013 6:41 AM
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Re: Carly O #3
Well, I don't necessarily advise that she cut off the world permanently... She can invite SOME people, when she wants to.
But neighbours.... Perhaps I wasn't lucky, but my experience is that when you give them an inch they take a mile, and you then have to create bad feelintgs to get your intimacy back. Also, neighbours come and go, you rarely stay in contact when they move away, so it's preferable not to grow too attached. Better to be cordial, but to keep your distances.
@Linda Dorfmont
Being an introvert is not an illness and the word is not supposed to be an insult, so you don't have to deny that you are one. I think perhaps you have been brainwashed to think "introvert" is a synonym for "screwed-up neurotic" - not so.
P.S.: There are people who seem to think that of extroverts also... weird.
@Carly O, Johanna, Kath
It is not just introverts who like their alone time. I'm very much of an extrovert myself, and my alone time is when I recharge. I am perfectly happy working at home alone while listening to a documentary on telly.
I would think there are more women like that than people think. Every so often, there is a comic strip showing a woman all chipper because her husband is leaving on a business trip for a week and the kids are going to grandma's. She then kicks her heels and goes, "YEA! The house all to myself for a week!" Evidently the author of the strip knows how it feels!
Comment: #18
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 16, 2013 7:01 AM
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@jpp, if you're serious and not trying to crack a joke, it's obvious that you misunderstand extroverts equally as much as today's BTL introverts are claiming they are misunderstood.
Liking people and conversation and socializing is hardly abnormal, shallow, or bad! ;-)
Comment: #19
Posted by: Mike H
Sat Mar 16, 2013 8:05 AM
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LW1 - Enforcing boundries is hard work but it will pay off in the end. First of all, if you don't have a fence with a locking gate, I suggest you get one. Try buying some headphones to wear while you garden. If you like to listen to music... go ahead. If you don't enjoy it, I saw wear them and pretend to be listening to something. As for the grilling, I would simply say, "I'm sorry, but it's not a good time," and then ignore the person. Eventually they will get it.
LW2 - Let me explain women like your ex-girlfriend. She wants you to act like her boyfriend without really being her boyfriend so she can meet other guys. But she's not meeting anyone right now (or anyone who satisfies her emotional needs) so she's using you. She wants to have her cake and eat it, too. You have to the be the one to cut it off. Tell her you don't want to talk to her anymore and then block her number or stop answering the phone and don't see her, either. I've known people who dated, broke up but stayed good friends but that won't work for you two because she's only using your friendship. Once she finds her new boyfriend, I gurantee that she'll stop calling you.
I also bet if you told her you met another woman, the jealousy would come out in her and it would suddenly be, "Oooh, I still love you!" Do yourself a favor and cut off all contact with her.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Michelle
Sat Mar 16, 2013 8:50 AM
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Whoah, I think I know the woman LW2 wrote in about. She sounds *****exactly***** like a friend of mine. I actually think it may be the same woman.
My friend is a person who tends to make friends for life, but is not really looking for a sexual relationship. She often can't sleep and has several people on a list to call to come cuddle with her when she can't. It's her way of handling fears that come up when she's alone. And her face lights up when she sees someone she loves. But "love" in her case doesn't mean a romantic or sexual relationship. Her face lights up like that for most everyone she cares about.
To LW2, I would say, sit down and talk with her and explain what's hard for you about this. Ask her to talk more about what's going on with her. I think she does care about you but she's being honest that she doesn't want a romantic relationship. But who she is and what she is looking for is a little different from what most people. To me, it makes her a special and unique person. But I can see where it could be confusing. If it feels too confusing you'll have to decide whether it works to stay friends with her.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Nowhereman
Sat Mar 16, 2013 8:50 AM
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Linda, give the book Quiet a read.
We are introverts. I am an introvert.
I was reading this book at work one day, and our loud boisterous staffing clerk asked about it. I showed her the title : Quiet- The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. She proceeded to tell me about how I wasn't an introvert, and about how much she likes to talk for the remainder of my break.
Solitude is an amazing thing. Don't misinterpret introversion as something bad.
Comment: #22
Posted by: shaw
Sat Mar 16, 2013 9:03 AM
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LW1- keep telling your drop in guests that you want to be alone, shut the door on them, and they will go away. Permanently. Oh, the ones who care about you will probably try to get you out to be examined for depression, but I'm sure you can handle that. Then, when you have no friends calling, you can enjoy your blissful solitude. <sigh> Ok, sarcasm button off. I am not an introvert, and I grew up in a neighborhood where people dropped by all the time, for coffee, lunch, dinner, or snacks. It was said that, if you visited someone and they didn't offer you food, they didn't like you. I always cooked extra, just in case. And my family was happiest when some extra person was at our table, sharing food and laughter. In the evening, people sat out front, and neighbors dropped by to chat, or called out as they went past. I miss those days. Now everyone is inside, with the air conditioning on, watching TV or using electronic social media. I Facebook my family to make a connection. People only come over if they have called first, but they hardly ever do. So we throw parties, to get them here. Although I know the old days will never come back, I miss those times when friends and neighbors were always around.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Patty Bear
Sat Mar 16, 2013 9:12 AM
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Lw1, poor you, people like you! Omg! What a nucience! They probably think you are lonely. Get some good headphones and a sign for the door that says "today is a me day, I will not be answering the door" then don't. Just make sure that "me days" aren't every day. And don't grill on a schedule. When Mr. Mooch shows up to see instead of grilling you have soup for 1 he may stop trying.
Lw2, you do know that you can block a number without turning off your phone or ignoring all of them, right? Just block the chick. Personally, if someone calls me at 3 am they damn well better be bleeding. Why would you interrupt you night just to chat?
Lw 3, if a person doesn't want you to bring your dog into their home, then don't. Diapers are not going to change the fact that some people just don't like animals. Or that stuff can come out of the other end too. Contrary to popular belief, dogs are NOT children. They can look after themselves. If you animal is so old or ill that it cannot be left unattended, then don't go out.
Comment: #24
Posted by: MT
Sat Mar 16, 2013 9:17 AM
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I don't think some is a "crotchety" person for liking alone time.
Comment: #25
Posted by: maltepoo
Sat Mar 16, 2013 9:24 AM
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LW1: "Now isn't a good time for me, but, I'd love to get together with you soon! Let's set a date! Why don't we plan on getting together at (suggest a good time here)."
By suggesting a planned meeting in the future, you're letting people know that you're not personally rejecting them, but you're busy at the moment. Also, you may find that people feel the need to stop by less when they have a concrete date they're going to see you next. "Let's get in the car and pop by LW's house," turns into "We'll see LW on Tuesday."
As for the guilt trip guy, people can only guilt trip you if you let them.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Shannon
Sat Mar 16, 2013 9:29 AM
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LW1 - Do ever I identify with you - to some extent. I, too, am retired and love my solitude, but I'm not an introvert, because I enjoy volunteering, meeting with friends, and so on. But socializing is done on my own terms, and no one "invades" my home if I don't wish them to be there. I am wondering, though, how much "solitude" do you need? I have one possible solution, if it won't bug you too much to do this: Have a grill-out every once in a while that you invite all the usual marauders to ahead of time. Have a pleasant time entertaining them, visiting, catching up on news, and so forth. Then no one can complain that you're turning into a hermit, and you can entertain yourself alone the rest of the time, politely but firmly turning away uninvited guests. You may also want to keep in mind that most of these people LIKE you, and would like to see you now and then, which is not all bad! Try to accomodate them here and there, and be grateful that people (other than the moochers) want your company.
LW2 - This "amazing" girl is using you. Right now you qualify as a convenience when she has sleepless nights. Anyone who's sweet enough to respond to late-night calls and is willing to listen at that hour must be a pretty good guy. I'm sure there are plenty of other nice young women who would enjoy and APPRECIATE getting to know you. Please end it with this girl so you can have a chance to build a more loving relationship with someone else. And turn off your phone at night for the next few weeks.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Linda
Sat Mar 16, 2013 9:42 AM
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Re: Mike H (19)
Many extroverts are also VERY introverted at times. Even with my infamous friend list, I require time alone. I write a LOT for my job and for my companies, and I wake up at 3 or 4 in the mornings most days to do that before the phone rings, the dog needs walking, the daughter goes to college and all the other distractions come into the mix.
I also schedule one full day, every week, where I don't leave the house at ALL. My friends and family know this and don't push me if I decline their offers. If something comes up that I need to go to on that day off, I shift the "down" day to another day.
I think the issue for the LW is, they haven't figured out HOW to take care of their own needs (a certain amount of solitude) and how to maintain an appropriate social presence. Honestly, anybody who comes to MY house without a prior phone call is greeted very coldly. I won't even let them in the door unless it's an emergency. EVERYONE has a cell phone these days, how hard is it to CALL? I've NEVER lost a friend because of this behavior. In fact, many of my friends have apologized. But then, I have some pretty cool friends.
Maybe the LW needs to get some new friends too, but my money is on the fact that they "play nice" when people invade their space and then are amazed that people keep coming back for more.
Protect your SPACE.
Comment: #28
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 16, 2013 9:52 AM
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Gee, Patty Bear - how is the air up in the "I am so much better than you" altitude you live in?
It's not a sign of being a morally superior person to want others around all the damn time. Some would call it a sign of desperation and neediness.
Comment: #29
Posted by: JMM
Sat Mar 16, 2013 10:19 AM
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I love my alone time. It boggles my mind that most people just do not understand that. My job requires me to interface with clients all day and just be "on." It's absolutely taxing. Last Friday all I wanted was a beer by myself. I went to a local Applebee's type place, sat up at the bar, drank a beer and read the newspaper. Some douche-y guy across the bar bought me a beer. I thanked him across from the table and went back to reading my newspaper. About 10 minutes later, the bartender told me he had bought me a shot. I thanked him again and went back to my paper. Sure enough, a couple minutes later, he came over to talk. It was so annoying. I just wanted to be left alone. That doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me a different person than say someone like Patti Bear.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Casey
Sat Mar 16, 2013 10:49 AM
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@Linda: Great advice for LW1!
Comment: #31
Posted by: Casey
Sat Mar 16, 2013 10:51 AM
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Re: Casey
If you didn't want to be bothered you should have
1. Had your beer at home OR
2. Sat at a table by yourself and not at the BAR which makes you available for conversation as it is a common space in most restaurants OR
3. Declined the first drink OR
4. Accepted the first drink, and then gone over and said THANK YOU (which is the classy thing to do when you accept a drink) and told the guy that you were decompressing from your job and wanted to be left alone
You were working the bar and don't want to admit it. No sympathy from me.
Comment: #32
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 16, 2013 11:01 AM
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Re: nanchan
Wow, I couldn't disagree with you more. Casey was not "working the bar." Men sit alone at a bar all the time and nobody judges them, intrudes on their space, or assumes they're "working the bar." I'm sick of this double standard. Women should not have to avoid public spaces, lest a man decide to target/bother her. It's men that need to back off and take a hint - a woman sitting alone is not your prey. Somebody with their nose in a newspaper CLEARLY isn't interested in chatting.
She should sit alone at a table? Anyone who's ever waited tables would never do that. Tables are for groups.
She should have to stay home? Seriously? Is this Afghanistan?
Comment: #33
Posted by: Johanna
Sat Mar 16, 2013 11:46 AM
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Re: Johanna
There are small tables (for 2 people) at Applebees she could have sat at.
She accepted not one but TWO drinks from a man and didn't say "I don't want to be bothered".
I never said she should AVOID public spaces (although if you REALLY don't want to talk to someone, why not have your beer at home?) but she shouldn't be offended by someone talking to her after she accepts two drinks from them.
DUH.
Comment: #34
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:24 PM
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And for the record, I see men all the time at bars who get hit on by random females. That's what sitting at the bar MEANS. It means you want to be talked to. Otherwise, tell people you want your peace. Holy cow. Why is this so HARD to understand?
Comment: #35
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:26 PM
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@ nanchan Re: #34
Seriously?!? One would think that anyone who buys someone a drink, let alone TWO without receiving acknowledgment would quickly get the hint, assuming he had half a brain, that his intended target isn't interested. This would be basic pick-up etiquette if there is such a thing. If I bought someone a drink and they gave me a half-hearted nod and then stuck their nose back in their newspaper I would take it as a strong message that this person isn't interested. Only a clod would continue to buy drinks and pester such a person. The classy thing to do in that case is to back the freak off. Johanna is right, men sit at the bar and read the paper or watch the game all the time in perfect solitude. You on the other hand seem to be operating under the misconception that everyone who is at a bar is interested in jovial conversation and meeting new people and that women in particular are the party favor of the evening. Not the case.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Chris
Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:34 PM
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Re: nanchan
It's not that simple. Refusing a drink is often met with direct harassment. Depending on the man's demeanor, refusing the drink could have been scary. I know -- I bartended for several years and have seen men (accompanied by their group of friends) react angrily and aggressively to women that refuse their "generosity." In a place without bouncers, it's not easy to deal with these guys. I resent the fact that I DO avoid bars/restaurants because of these men.
Saying thank you and then keeping her head down was more than enough to send the message she didn't want to be rude, but also didn't want to be bothered. Furthermore -- who thinks of Applebees as a pick up joint? Somebody smarmy, IMO - but I guess the location is a factor.
Oh, and why not have a beet at home? I don't have draft microbrews at home. Or a fryer. Again - why should I have to? Shouldn't I be able to go out without harassment?
Comment: #37
Posted by: Johanna
Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:36 PM
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LOL - beet? Sometimes my typos crack me up. :)
Comment: #38
Posted by: Johanna
Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:38 PM
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Re: Patty Bear--I grew up in a similar situation, and I don't miss those days at all. It was "heck" for an introvert like me.
We never left church on Sunday without my father dragging home 5 or 6 people to eat lunch with us. If there wasn't enough food, he's not the one who went without--my mother would. If a guy came by selling magazines or insurance, he'd wind up staying all day because my father would insist on feeding him and showing him around our farm.
People would be visiting and he'd start insisting they stay the night. "We've got plenty of room!!!" We had a small, 3-bedroom, 1-bath house for 5 people. My mother would roll her eyes, like "Where?????"
We lived in an old tract home that had been moved, but my father seemed to think people would want to see the whole thing. More than once, I was sitting in my room when he'd barge in with a stranger without knocking. (As if that person wanted to see my tiny, messy room.) My mother finally put a lock on my door for me.
I was made to feel that there was something wrong with me because I enjoyed staying in my room reading or listening to music. They'd punish me by making me come OUT of my room. A few years later, I finally realized that I have to be alone to recharge my battery. It's not that I don't like people--I do, but I lose energy by being with people.
Extroverts get energized by being with people; introverts energize by being alone. As far as being lonely, it's not something I've ever experienced that much. My idea of a dream vacation would be two weeks alone in my own home. I had it once, when my husband and son went on a trek with the Scouts. It was wonderful.
I used to have a neighbor who thought nothing of dropping by whenever she felt like it. I liked her and still stay in touch, but I was relieved when she moved away. Where I live now, we all respect each others privacy, though we know we can call on each other for help.
Introverts aren't anti-social anymore than extroverts are all clingy and needy. We're just different. The LW needs to learn to stand up for herself and if she ruffles a few feathers, so be it. These clods sound like they're too obtuse to be insulted anyway.
As far as the threat: "Someday you'll be all alone........." Well, my response would be "I can dream, can't I?"
Comment: #39
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:58 PM
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If Casey didn't want to talk, she shouldn't have accepted the drinks. Sexes reversed? Same THING
Comment: #40
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:26 PM
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@Joannakathryn- wow, even an extrovert like I am would have been driven nuts by your dad. I like your statement "introverts aren't anti-social any more than extroverts are all clingy and needy." I spend a lot of time alone, not by choice, but that's how it is. JMM sure flamed me when he accused me of thinking I am so better than anyone else. But I am ignoring him, because I think he has issues. I guess he doesn't get sarcasm.
So I use my alone time to play my guitar and go online. I LOVE to read BTL comments!
Comment: #41
Posted by: Patty Bear
Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:32 PM
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Re: Chris
You moron. She DID acknowledge the drinks. Do you KNOW how to read?
When somebody accepts drinks, it's an invitation for someone to approach them. Joanna and you must come from the same lame genepool.
Get with IT! Somebody buys you a drink, say NO unless you want them to talk to you!
Do either of you know how to cross a street? seriously. this is chick 101 and Chris, we all know you want to be a chick.
Comment: #42
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:33 PM
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LW1, I get your frustration. I am a napper. Especially in the spring. Because of allergies, I don't sleep well at night and also because of the shift in the weather. It throws off my internal body thermometer something fierce. We also have a new puppy and an eight year old daughter who sleeps fitfully. The last time I had a full nights sleep? Last fall when school started.
Few think I should have the nap time. I'm a stay-at-home Mom and I get phone calls and knocks on the door as soon as my head hits the pillow in the late morning/early afternoon. Luckily the puppy also has to go down for regular naps, so I get a break then.
I'm a fifty fifty because I love having people around, sometimes I want to do my own thing though. My Mother says I've been doing this since I was a baby. I would sit in my play pen and have fun, but I was happiest when I was in the middle of a bustling room doing my own thing.
Find a way to alleviate the bad humor vibe when you ask others to leave you to your personal space. At a coffee house, I once overheard a man in a comfy chair tell someone, "I'm building a neutron bomb in my head, I gotta get it right, so I gotta concentrate". Then he went back to slurping his coffee with a dreamy frown on his face.
When I'm reading a Harry Potter book, or my new Nook, people come up and want to know whether I'm a first time reader and things like that. When I tell them I read and re-read books all the time, they look at me like I'm an alien. So lately I've been saving money and staying home to read. Even at Barnes and Noble people want to get chatty. Sigh.
Chris, every time I read one of your posts, you make sense.
Comment: #43
Posted by: Chelle
Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:54 PM
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Re: nanchan, you are way out of line- as usual. Seems like your meds wear off mid-day and off you go. I think your Christianity must be a ruse, cause you are always the instigator. Not enough action going on- you will start some. No one who is, as you claim, (yeah right) your age should act so immature. Why don't you limit your snide remarks to your celebrity reviews and leave the 'common folk' alone. Yes indeed I do know what your job is. Oweee, did you see what happened on 'Glee'? I really don't doubt that you are an expert on 'the bar scene' so i won't disagree with you there. By the way- how did you spend every summer in Mexico, work on family farms each summer and work in your dad's law firm too? Talk about a split personality!
Comment: #44
Posted by: Penny
Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:58 PM
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Re: nanchan
I seriously doubt you've been in a bar alone in your whole life. I worked in F&B for decades, and trust me, your view of what what "sitting at the bar MEANS" is profoundly wrong. I love bars. More specifically, I love traditional Irish pubs which are historically town meeting "Public Houses." Whole families gathered in pubs; not singles looking for hook-ups. I also love great beer, but people who think of bars like you do have taken all the fun out of trying new beers.
I tended bar at everywhere from the Ritz Carlton to funky neighborhood dives. In all those bars were men, of all ages, alone at the bar -- nearly every day. Never do I recall women trying to pick up a solo male reading or watching TV.
Not once. The reverse? Happened every time a woman was alone. Every. Time! I'd always try to discourage the guys, but it wasn't easy. Drink senders are an aggressive bunch.
It's annoying! In fact, I think it's obnoxious to buy drinks for strangers. It's pushy. If a woman wants your company, she'll smile, make eye contact and engage in small talk BEFORE a guy buys her a drink. If not, leave her alone!
Comment: #45
Posted by: Johanna
Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:58 PM
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Re: nanchan #32
Wave a finger in Casey's face, why don't you...
P.S.: "Working the bar"? So you're calling her a whore, no less. I think your vision of what "sitting at a bar means" dates all the way back from the fifties.
Comment: #46
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 16, 2013 3:20 PM
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Oy with all the commenters insulting each other again. Let's add any personal wisdom we can do the Annie's advice and move on.
LW2: I'm assuming you're young and she's calling you on a cell phone, in which case it's easy to send one contact's calls to voicemail, or give them a special ringtone so you'll know to ignore - without having to turn your phone off, screen calls, etc. The reason I'm assuming you're young is that eventually you learn that sometimes you are dating someone and you realize that it's just not going to become romantic love (or isn't any longer). That's what happened to her. There's no "reason" or "explanation" needed, it just happens. I don't necessarily think she's nefariously stringing you along etc., I think it's possible she's just hoping that you also realized, or will realize, that you are just meant to be friends. This happened to me twice (with me as the one moving into friend zone first) and those 2 exes remain good friends, and only friends, that I talk to frequently. (But when it was the other way around a couple other times, I said "no thanks").
Comment: #47
Posted by: Steve C
Sat Mar 16, 2013 6:49 PM
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@ nanchan
Oh yes and you're such the devout Christian. I didn't realize that lobbing a potty-mouthed slew of personal insults at those who disagree with you was the Christian thing to do. I guess I should read the Bible more often.
Comment: #48
Posted by: Chris
Sun Mar 17, 2013 7:16 AM
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LW1: i *LIKE* being a hermit, as I find that the hectic socialness of normal people exhausts me. But, then, I have late stage 4 kidney failure and that means I don't operate at the speeds normal folks do these days. I discoverd that the word "No" is the most powerful tool in your arsenal. No, just no. No explanations or giving anyone time to try to argue with you. No means no. The folks that would try to guilt me into saying yes, I got a bit cranky with and would outright ask them something along the lines of "Why are you being rude and inconsiderate? I said no, and I meant no. You're arguing with me, however politely, is still rude, selfish and inconsiderate. Leave. Now.". Pretty soon, the folks who were merely taking advantage of me, or trying to, left me alone. My REAL friends would immediately apologize to me upon my crankiness and respond "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be selfish or rude, I'm WORRIED about you! Please, can we just spend some time together and you explain to me what's going on so I know what to do to help you?". These days, my real friends know that if I say I'm not up to company, they say ok, and tell me they love me and then send me emails. Others, one or two of them might ignore that and pop by for what they call a drive by hug hello/goodbye, meaning they pop by long enough to say hi, give me a hug, tell me they care about me, then say goodbye and off they go. When we do plan time together, it's more welcome because they respect my need to be a hermit/introvert, and I find I enjoy their company more. But, if you don't set boundaries, you'll never get the point across. Remember, NO means NO and don't be afraid to be more forceful if needed. ME
Comment: #49
Posted by: Mdelwell
Sun Mar 17, 2013 11:44 AM
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Wow. I didn't mean to cause such an uproar! Thanks to everyone who defended me :) I'm still not quite sure how reading a newspaper, in my work suit, is "working a bar", but hey, if that's how you wanted to interpret my story, so be it.
Comment: #50
Posted by: Casey
Sun Mar 17, 2013 11:52 AM
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Casey, don't let it get to you. I value your posts and many times I have come away with a better perspective after reading your posts. Your point of view is valid and I appreciate the time you take.
Comment: #51
Posted by: Chelle
Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:17 PM
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Re: Mdelwell
I assume you have to go through dyalisis, and that is exhausting. If you're on a kidney transplant list, I hope you get a compatible one in jig time and that you go through a Speedy Gonzales recovery!
@Casey
You caused no uproar. That was caused by "someone" on the warpath who merely chose you as her scratching post du jour.
Comment: #52
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Mar 18, 2013 10:06 AM
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