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Cheater No. 2
Dear Annie: A close friend of mine is a successful professional woman who went through a painful divorce several years ago when her husband was unfaithful. "Diane" swore off dating for a long time.
A year ago, Diane began seeing a man who is also a successful, well-known professional from our community. However, this man has a history of cheating on his wife and even left his marriage at one point to marry another woman, only to return to his wife and family when he realized he had made a mistake. But he continued to cheat. His marriage ended two years ago, and he soon moved in with someone else for several months. Two weeks after they split up, he began dating Diane. They are now engaged.
Several people have warned Diane about this guy, his past and the destruction he seems to cause. His own grown children refuse to speak to him. I worry that this man has great potential to hurt Diane. How can I get through to her that marrying him would be a huge mistake? She says because of her successful practice she would have the means to take care of herself if anything were to happen with the marriage, but it is her heart I am worried about. This leopard isn't going to change his spots for her. — Concerned in the Heartland
Dear Concerned: Diane is surely aware of her fiance's past and has heard all of the warnings about his cheating, but they have not dissuaded her. Some women think they are "the one," and the man will change for her. It rarely happens. Diane is determined to marry the guy and, as she says, has prepared herself for the consequences. She may feel this is her only chance to be married again. Or she may believe that all guys cheat, so what's the difference. Unless she is willing to address these issues, the wedding will go on despite your misgivings. Please do your best to wish her well.
Dear Annie: My daughter and son are 32 and 28, and I am looking for a good answer when people ask me why I don't have any grandchildren. They have both been in long-term relationships in the past, although they aren't involved with anyone now, so it's not looking too promising. But I'm wondering how to respond when people bring this up. — Not a Grandma Yet
Dear Not: People are nosy and often ask nunofyerbizness-type questions. You don't have to respond. But you are certainly welcome to hand them your children's phone numbers and suggest they call and ask. Be sure to smile when you do it. And then change the subject. We think that will keep them from asking again.
Dear Annie: My youngest daughter, "Amy," who is now 17, was the ultimate picky eater as a young child. She would not eat meat and wouldn't touch any vegetables except corn. Her father would insist that she eat what was placed before her, which only led to tears, fights and vomiting. Her dad and I are now divorced.
Amy is now healthy, and her weight is perfect for her height. Trips to the doctor confirmed what I suspected after reading an article in Scientific American — that Amy is a super-taster. That means she has many more taste buds on her tongue than the average person, making her more sensitive to subtle tastes the rest of us don't notice.
Forcing Amy to eat foods that do not smell "right" to her is pointless. This is a physical condition, not disobedience. Punishing a child who suffers from this condition is simply cruel. — Mom of a Super-Taster
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2013 CREATORS.COM 
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72 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 - By all accounts, your friend is an experienced adult who knows everything there is to know about the guy she is marrying, plus she knows what marriage is like, and she is still choosing him. As far as I can tell, her decision does not affect you at all, so mind your own business. If you are attracted to your friend yourself, then maybe you should declare yourself and try to convince her that she would be better off with you.
LW2 - tell your friends that you're not a grandparent because your children haven't reproduced yet.
LW3 - thanks for sharing, I guess, but why should anyone care about your daughter's superness?
Comment: #1
Posted by: kai archie
Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:15 PM
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LW1: It's tough to watch, but you can't do anything about your friend's choice of husband #2. If she knows all the facts, and still wants him, you may have to distance yourself if you can't be supportive in this situation.
LW2: I find it impossible to believe that you really need an answer about this for people at the ready, but the Annies came up with a good one. I suspect you need something else for YOU to talk about. Only the most patient of friends want to hear someone babble on about their grandchildren and almost nobody wants to listen to someone carry on about their lack of them. It tests the patience in the extreme. Join a book club or take a class. Even floral arrangement or cake decorating will give you a better topic. Your friends will thank you.
Comment: #2
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Thu Apr 25, 2013 9:32 PM
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My son is 28 and has been married 3 years. When people ask if there are any grandchildren, I shake my head and say no--and I can wait until it's right for them.
I've watched my nieces and nephews go through divorce and custody battles and I don't want that for my son.
I never had any trouble telling people that I didn't want kids "right now" when we waited almost 10 years to have him, so I don't see what the problem is with telling people the truth. It's nobody's business.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:33 PM
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LW2 "Well, since they are not married, why would you even ask that?"
I figure I don't have any grandchildren 'cause I scared them with the old threat, "Just wait until you have children of your own and they pull this (whatever horrible thing my kid had done), on YOU!"
Comment: #4
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:47 PM
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* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *
LW3 likely refers to the second letter on 4 January 2013 (Midwest Cook), or to the follow-up letters on 8 February (Mike in Hawaii), 23 February (Frustrated Cook) and 11 March (No Fish, Please).
Comment: #5
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:54 PM
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LW1 - There isn't much else the LW can do for Diane. Apparently, she knows all about her fiance's past history and either chooses to ignore it or thinks things will be different with her. The best the LW can do is be there for Diane if and when her second marriage falls apart.
.
LW2 - I'm wondering why people even ask the question of the LW when neither of her children are in a relationship now and have never been married. I can understand people asking IF she has grandchildren, but not WHY she doesn't. Anyway, of course the correct answer is to simply look at them with a perplexed expression and say that you don't have any grandchildren because neither of your own children have had kids yet. When people ask me if I have grandchildren, I tell them that I have 15 of them -- 12 are cats and 3 are dogs :)
Comment: #6
Posted by: Kitty
Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:33 AM
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Lw1, I'm sorry your friend is stupid. Maybe she actually loved her first husband and just loves the sex with Don Giovanni.tell her "I love you. I disagree with you, but I love you so good luck."
"Why don't you have grandchildren yet?"
(Sob) "Who could ever replace (inset name of dead pet/ celebrity?!?"
This mom went so far as to find a medical excuse to justify her child's bratty behavior and vilify her husband. A quick search says children may dislike veggies such as broccoli or brussel sprouts. Either that or they were just bad cooks. But how do you screw up carrots?
Comment: #7
Posted by: MT
Fri Apr 26, 2013 3:53 AM
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LW1 - Diane knows he's a cheat but she's marrying him anyway. Nothing you can do about it. Maybe she thinks she can be the one to "change" him or maybe she thinks she can't get anyone else so she'll just have him until he cheats on her and then she can move on. Who knows what she's thinking? Maybe she's also with him because she can play the victim when he cheats on her. Does she do that in other situations? Does she purposly put herself in situations that will lead her to get hurt and then she can gain sympathy?
I say that last part because I used to know a woman like that. She was the friend of a friend. She was engaged to a man with a drinking problem who often abused her. She eventually broke up with him, swore off men and became the Queen of Anti-Drinking. She would get angry and lecture someone who had a glass of wine at dinner. Some time later, she and I were in our mutual friend's wedding. She didn't give the usher she was paired up with a second look...until she overheard that he had a big drinking problem. Then all of a sudden she was interested in him. We were all SHOCKED when she told our friend she was interested. Friend said, "He drinks. Heavily. His friends have done several interventions with him." She said she "didn't mind." Our friend just shook her head and said, "If you want to go after him, go ahead, but I won't help you." After that, we started watching her more closely and noticed that she purposly put herself in situations that would lead to her getting hurt. She also seemed to love the sympahty she got afterwards. Is Diane like that?
BTW, that usher didn't go for her. He only liked females in the shape of bottles with names like Tequila Rose.
LW2 - kai said exactly what I was thinking - "Because my children don't have any children." Although I would add a "Duh!" to the end of that :P You could also say, "Why do you ask?" or "What business is it of yours?" or "Why don't you have any (fill in whatever they lack - sports car, vacation home, pets, manners, etc) yet?"
I knew a woman who didn't want kids and people would ask her, "Why don't you have any kids yet?" she would say, "When Wal-Mart starts selling them, I'll buy one." Hee hee.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Michelle
Fri Apr 26, 2013 4:13 AM
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LW-2 If my Mom gave out my phone number to someone asking a stupid question like that, I would first off change my phone number and then sit Mom down and tell her to NEVER give out my number unless she asks me first. Annies - you do NOT give out phones without permission.
Comment: #9
Posted by: j1p
Fri Apr 26, 2013 4:40 AM
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MT, thank god you did that quick search, or we would have been stuck with just a doctor's opinion and medical research to go on.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Andaia
Fri Apr 26, 2013 4:49 AM
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MT: What "vilify"? The husband "insisted" that the daughter taste everything. Many parents do. That's not "vilifying" -- it's a difference in parenting styles.
I had one kid of three who was somewhat like Amy, only to a lesser degree, from the time he was a baby. Vomiting is generally involuntary behavior, not something willfully chosen, and so it's hard to understand how someone can call that "bratty" behavior.
LW1: Hon, you've made your concerns plain. All you can do is tell your friend that you'll always be there for her -- if this is true -- and tell yourself that as much as the signs point to disaster here, you can't know for certain what's going to happen. None of us does. So celebrate that your friend is happy at the moment, hope for the best and don't speak ill of the guy anymore if you care about her; you'll force her to cut you out of her life.
LW2: A lot of people haven't realized there's been a HUGE shift in expectations for women in the last 30 years. I totaled up the other day the number of women I know who are past 40 with no children, by choice, and was surprised at how large it was. Used to be that biology and lack of economic independence (and opportunity for financial independence) drove that bus.
It's no one's business of course, but please recognize that it's not meanness or cruelty driving them to ask; it's simply an indicator that they've never consciously understood that the decision really isn't yours. Remind them, with "Well, I haven't yet figured out how to give myself grandkids. Once I do, I'll let you know!"
Comment: #11
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:00 AM
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I have to admit that I'm a bit skeptical of this "super taster" diagnosis/excuse as well. I also believe the LW wants to flog her ex.
But whatever. I never forced my kids to eat their whole dinner. But they also knew if they didn't, then there would be no dessert or snacking later. We somehow made it through.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Soozan
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:04 AM
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LW1--I am growing tired of people writing into advice columnists asking how to prevent someone else from making mistakes. Honey, how your friend 'Diane' conducts her personal relationships or whom she decides to become engaged to is her business, not yours; your mutual friends, her fiance's family or anyone else. If her new fiance falls back to his old tricks of cheating and Diane gets hurt in the fallout then that's a risk she's apparently willing to take. Certainly no one is perfect. If you intervene and she misses out on what could be the love of her life, then how would that make you feel? This isn't your business, butt out.
LW2--There is no need to respond to inconsiderate clods who ask you questions that are none of their business. To the especially idiotic ones who persist, simply tell them to butt out.
LW3--I found this letter fascinating. Some 35% of women and 15% of men are 'supertasters.' This was an evolutionary quirk that allowed early man to avoid potentially poisonous alkaloids and other toxic plants.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Chris
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:11 AM
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Re: j1p I think the Annies were half-joking- it would be just as effective to smile and say "If you like, I can give you their numbers and you can call and ask them" without actually giving out the number. Also, I don't know why the LW thinks that because they aren't married at 28 and 32, that ship has sailed. Plenty of people do get married and have kids in their 30's these days.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Lucy
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:13 AM
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Re: Andaia
Perfect response! Thank you.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Mary Clark
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:21 AM
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j1p - I think the Annie's were half-joking, too. I think they meant for the LW to say it but not actually hand the number out because most people wouldn't have the gall to take the number, call and ask.
My maternal grandmother is still ticked off to this day (12 years later!) that she wasn't invited to my cousin's wedding on my father's side. Every now and then she ask me, "Why wasn't I invited to J's wedding??" and I always say, "I don't know. Ask her." I don't really want her to interrogate my cousin and I would certaily never hand over her number. But I say that because it gets her to shut up about it for awhile and I know that she'll never do it. She has this weird obession with my Dad's family and wants them all to like her. She knows if she were to bother my cousin, her parents would find out and get mad at her and the thought of them being mad at her would just kill her.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Michelle
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:47 AM
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LW1, your friend is an adult, she's been cautioned about her fiance, there's not much more to be done except to be supportive when/if things go south. It's also possible that, subconsciously, she is repeating the pattern of her previous failed relationship *because* deep down she wants it to fail, or to at least have an excuse about why the relationship will fail. For some people it's more nerve-wracking to have a true, real shot at love than to have a doomed relationship and the drama that entails. Self-sabotage may be the whole point, here.
LW2, lots of good responses to this "none of your business" question. "I haven't thought to pester them about it because it's their business, not mine" or something like that can also express firm but polite disapproval. But regardless, you should never feel any obligation to politely respond to such a rude or clueless question.
LW3, I have to say, I'm very disconcerted by the incautious tone of your letter. I thought everyone knew by now that it's very important for superheroes to protect their secret identity, and you are coming very close to revealing your daughter's powers. What if someone recognizes her from your letter? Then it would only be a short time before the rest of your family was in danger of being attacked or kidnapped by super-villains like The Evil Smell or Captain Bitter. Do you want your daughter, Super-Taster, to have to choose between saving your life or fighting crime? I'm sure you must be proud to have a superhero for a daughter, but please be more sensible next time!
Comment: #17
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Apr 26, 2013 6:18 AM
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Re: Mike H
Re LW3 - Perfect ... love it :)
Comment: #18
Posted by: Kitty
Fri Apr 26, 2013 6:33 AM
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If zebras were super-tasters and refused to eat grass, they'd die of starvation, and their super-tasting genes would not be transmitted to future generations, thus eliminating picky, non grass-eating zebras for all of eternity. Never will a mother zebra have to worry about finding her child a substitute for grass, and therefore will only worry about important things like surviving and moving the species forward.
Just a thought.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Volpe
Fri Apr 26, 2013 6:47 AM
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Re: LW1: Reminds me of the old, but often true: Women marry men hoping that they'll change, but they don't; men marry women hoping that they won't change, but they do.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Dave Galino
Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:05 AM
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LW3: Wish someone had told my parents this when they forced me to eat stinky eggs when I was young. Yuck !!!
Comment: #21
Posted by: Dave Galino
Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:07 AM
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Re: Chris
Excuse me?! You're getting tired.....? Here's a solution--STOP coming here, you scurvy, arrogant little bug.
Comment: #22
Posted by: clemma
Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:07 AM
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My MIL had seriously better not start giving out my phone number of people who ask personal questions about my uterus. Bad advice, Annies.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:16 AM
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Re: Michelle
Of course they were half joking, but what if someone actually took the # and called? Could happen!
Anyway, my preferred response to that sort of question, and it can be tailored for non-grand-parents to: "there are 7 billion people on the planet, I didn't need to make one more".
LW3
I remember eating in a food court with my two cousins (we must have been 4-8 at the time) and grandparents, and my youngest cousin was made to eat stir fry beef that she didn't want, and she refused to swallow it. My grandfather made her carry it around in her mouth, all through the mall, until she swallowed it, until my grandmother secretly let her spit it out by the car. looking back, that was pretty awful.
She is not a super taster by the way.
Re: Volpe
WTF... that's the opposite of how super-tasting works and affects evolution.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:21 AM
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@ clemma Re: #22
Sorry dear, but I was here first. Here's a better idea hon, why don't you stop coming here. Have a good day my number one troll. :-P
Comment: #25
Posted by: Chris
Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:38 AM
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@LW2: This is going to be a long post, sorry.
This letter hit a personal note with me. My parents are just DYING for grandchildren. My brother, the oldest, has been with his girlfriend for over 5 years and is very opposed to marriage. He has told her he'll give her a baby, but not a ring. She won't have a baby without marriage (good for her, I say!) so they're at this weird fork in the road. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and we're working our way towards marriage, but really aren't in any particular hurry to get there. My parents try hard not to shove marriage down my brother and my throats, but they struggle. They really, really, really want that grandbaby. The grandchildren issue really falls solely on my sister's shoulders, since she's the only one who's married. When she was 18, the doctors told her she most likely wouldn't be able to have kids, and at 31, she's finding that out. She's going through very intrusive fertility treatments and it's awful to watch her and her husband go through it all. My parents are just really struggling with not having babies and it comes up every single time I see them now. I know it really bothers them when people ask about it. and it's not people politely asking for an update on their kids, it's like LW2's letter. People are clearly judging them for not having grandkids. When asked why they don't have grandkids, the subtext is “What's wrong with you?” If people stopped putting such pressure on other people about grandbabies, marriage, other things that aren't any of their freaking business, that would be just great…. (takes sip from coffee mug)
Comment: #26
Posted by: Casey
Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:51 AM
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I guess I don't really take off the cuff questions to be rude or overly inquisitive. If so it just goes over my head. I don't believe asking whether you have grandchildren yet is rude. It is just a simple conversation starter. Maybe a lead into their grandchild's newest prank. My answer is always, "Nope, not yet." Friends usually do not ask impertinent questions just to be annoying. Sometimes I think we see rudeness where none is intended. Just looking for something to be upset about. Gee, you've lost a lot of weight doesn't equate to, you used to be fat, if indeed you have lost weight. Or, has your daughter married yet equal maybe she's a lesbian. I know that I will sometimes ask questions about something or someone that I really have no interest in just to let that person know I remember that they have a child named Mary. No harm no foul. Perhaps I need to be more circumspect in my greetings.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Penny
Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:54 AM
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LW1 -
" How can I get through to her that marrying him would be a huge mistake? "
You can't. She's already been warned more than once, already knows what the guy is all about, and doesn't care. She may think she'll love him so-o-o-omuch that with *her*, it "won't be the same" (although it didn't work too well with her first husband), she may indeed believe that all men are dogs and you either put up with their philandering ways or spend your life alone, who knows - what the Annies said. There is nothing you can do.
LW2 -
Oh, how the sex life of others is public property for the nosy ones. Suggested comebacks:
- "(Chilly smile) And WHY would you need to know that?"
- "(Barbie smile and saccharine voice) Oh, *I* wouldn't know, why don't you ask THEM?
- "Here, lemme give you their physican's numbers, I'm so sure he'll be thrilled to discuss their fertility with you."
- "Shall we both run to the priest so he can lecture them about going forth and multiplying?"
- "Shall I fix them with a one-night-stand partner, make sure I hide the contraceptives and then dose their food and drink with an aphrodisiac?"
- What the Annies said.
- What the other posters said.
Or a version of the following:
" Why don't you have any grandchildren yet?
- (Ignoring the question)
- Why don't you have any grandchildren yet?
- (stubborn silence)
- Did you hear what I just said?
- Yes.
- Well?
- Well, I already gave you the answer you deserve, don't you think?"
Feel free to pick the one suitable for whoever is asking, depending on who it is and how many times they've been fishing for salacious details. Good flamin' grief, man.
LW3 -
Questions from the curious-minded:
1. Was Amy always like that from Day One, or did she turn supertaster overnight at one point?
2. How old was she was she was finally diagnosed?
3. What exactly DID she eat? Corn, starches and sweet stuff?
I have to admit I would not be too keen of being controlled like that by a young child myself, especially since it sure looks like she accepted nothing but junk. Medical condition all you want, there are other super-tasters who go for a little more than comfort food. You should cut your ex a little slack.
And btw, how was the state of your marriage before civil war erupted at the dinner table? One thing about food is that it is the only area where young children can exert any form of control. They VERY OFTEN use it as a tool for protestation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
@j1p #9
The Annies were evidently saying that tongue-in-cheek, and you shouldn't be taking everything literally like that. As much as the dramatic gesture of shoving a phone number in the hands of the clods would drive the point home, it ought to be obvious that the number thus supplied would be fake.
@Mike H #17
Re LW3 - LOL!
Comment: #28
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:59 AM
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LW2 Surely people are asking you IF you have grandchildren and not WHY???? Either way, no need to be snarky. Just say, "I'm not old enough yet!"
Comment: #29
Posted by: Rozelle
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:09 AM
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Case in point, clemma's post #22. She obviously didn't mean to insult Chris. It was only a conversation starter. I interpreted it to mean. "Good morning Chris, glad to see you're doing well today." Chris' response really meant, "Well good morning to you too clemma. Hopefully you were able to get that stick out of your butt and are feeling much better." See... just a conversation starter. I think I proved my point here.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Penny
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:10 AM
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Re: Penny #27
I don't have a problem when someone asks IF you have grandchildren, but the LW said people are asking her WHY she doesn't. They're two different questions, and they seem to be asking "why" of the wrong person.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Kitty
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:15 AM
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“I am growing tired of people writing into advice columnists asking how to prevent someone else from making mistakes.”
It's so true, Chris. I don't know what kind of answer she was expecting, outside of some wacky scenario from a tv sitcom (“Dress up in a disguise, so her fiancé doesn't know it's you. Seduce him, while Diane hides in a closet, so she can see what a creep he is!”) I don't know why it's so hard for people to stay out of others' business. Yes, it is going to be incredibly hard to watch her friend's heart get a broken a second time, but there is nothing she can do to stop this marriage (outside of wacky sitcom scenario #2: “Crash the wedding, in disguise, as one of his ex lovers, and create a big scene. It will make Diane realize what a huge mistake she's making!”) She can only let her friend make her own mistakes, and be there with wine and chocolate when it all goes to sh*t.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Casey
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:16 AM
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@Penny #27: I completely agree that people look for rudeness when it wasn't intended. I think marriage and children can be sensitive topics for some people and they misconstrue people's questions as nosey and rude. For instance, I have people constantly comment on my weight and it takes a lot to remind myself that they're not trying to be rude or offensive; they're just commenting, they think they're complimenting me.
With that said, there is a huge difference between “Do you have grandchildren?” and “Why don't you have grandchildren?” The first question is polite and indicates your interest in learning more about the person. The second question has the subtext of “What is wrong with you, that you wouldn't have grandchildren?” It's really no one's business why someone does or does not have (grand)children.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Casey
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:24 AM
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LW1 - If you don't support the marriage, don't go to the wedding.
LW2 - "I don't know, I can ask my son to provide a sperm sample for you though."
Comment: #34
Posted by: Paul W
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:25 AM
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Re: Kitty, one needs to read between the lines and answer with a cheery spirit. The correct answer would be, "Thank god you asked. Please have a seat because this is a long story. When Bubby was very young he had a little puppy that he loved dearly. One day the puppy ran into the street and was immediately killed by a drunk driver. Oh, by the way, we sued the driver and were awarded a large settlement. Even thought he had a wife and 7 children we felt justified in taking the money. I can't believe how much help that money was in getting him through college and grad school. You did know that he is a famous doctor now don't you? Anyway, the puppy's name was Sherlock. Such a cute little guy. We named him Sherlock because..." See, there is nothing wrong with answering their question honestly. Perhaps next time they will just say, "Good to see you."
Comment: #35
Posted by: Penny
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:33 AM
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We could all take a lesson from. 'she who will not be named', and bore them to death with grandiose details. That seemed to work BTL. Except then clemma showed up.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Penny
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:42 AM
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Re: Penny
I completely agree that a lot of questions are asked with good intentions and not meant to be rude, which is why I often scoff at the "why do you need to know" question that is 100% intended to make the person feel uncomfortable. However, there is a difference between asking "do you have grandchildren?" and "why don't you have grandchildren yet?".
Comment: #37
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:51 AM
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LW1 -- you have no control over this. Let it go.
LW2 -- are you sure people are actually asking you WHY you don't have any grandchildren, as opposed to IF you have any grandchildren? As others have noted, there's a big difference. Among common questions people ask when first getting to know someone: What do you do (as in what sort of work do you do); Do you have any children/grandchildren (depending on the person's age); Are you married. While these questions CAN be asked rudely or with intrusive intent, most of the time it's just someone looking to make conversation. People who overreact to these questions tend to be people who are extremely sensitive about these topics for one reason or another. For example, a friend of mine is a stay-at-home mom. She used to be a doctor. A number of people have given her a hard time about "wasting" the time/money invested in getting her MD and spending only a couple of years practicing medicine before "throwing it all away" to stay at home with her children. She is understandably sensitive about this, but the other day we were both at the park with our children, and another mother neither of us knew was there. She asked if either of us still worked or if we both were stay-at-home moms. I said that I still worked and said what I do for a living. She asked me about childcare, etc. -- we were having a perfectly normal conversation. When it came time for my friend to answer the initial question, she said she was a stay-at-home mom. The other mother then made the mistake of asking, "what did you do before you had children?" She was merely trying to make conversation, but my friend has gotten so sensitive about this topic now, that she just automatically assumes that even if the conversation started out innocently that it can only come to one conclusion: someone judging her for "wasting" her MD. So, she said, "I hardly see why that matters." Suddenly things felt really chilly, despite it being 80 degrees out. The other mother took that as her cue to take herself to a different park bench.
So, while I love many of the clever, snippy comebacks that have been proposed, I would first ask you to consider the POSSIBILITY that you are projecting your OWN sensitivity on this topic. Are these people really asking you why? Are they really "judging" you based on the fact that you have no grandchildren? Or are they just making conversation? I do not doubt that there ARE people who ARE following up the basically harmless "do you have grandkids" with the insensitive (and stupid) "why not?" question. But I'm finding it hard to believe that there are really THAT many people asking you this that you need to come up with a snappy response.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:07 AM
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Re: Lise Brouillette (#28)
Regarding the following portion of a response to LW2 –
"Or a version of the following:
' Why don't you have any grandchildren yet?
- (Ignoring the question)
- Why don't you have any grandchildren yet?
- (stubborn silence)
- Did you hear what I just said?
- Yes.
- Well?
- Well, I already gave you the answer you deserve, don't you think?'"
Yeah, well it's just a case of bullies – in this case, people who try to make conversation by asking a MYOB question – forcing an answer. I'd sure hate to think what'd happen if they had a club or something hidden in their trenchcoat to "demand" a plausible answer.
I have to agree with hedgehog and Lisa (#11 and #38, respectively) on this one, however. Yes, there are many questions where it is indeed worthy of an angry "MYO GD F-in' B ... and DO NOT ever ask me that question again!" type response. On this topic, I personally think they're just trying to make polite conversation ... catch up on the kids and how they're turning out and so forth, not nose into personal business and play Mrs. Olesen of "Little House on the Prairie" fame (or even the Sandra Gould version of Alice Kravitz of "Bewitched").
Point being: I think you have to pick and choose your battles, which ones to make conversation with and others that deserve a snappy "none of your business" response. If you don't feel comfortable discussing it, just say so, and most polite people will understand. No creative response required.
It's going to be pretty soon we'll offend someone by just asking about the weather.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:26 AM
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Other the other letters, I'd say both LW1 and LW3 might have some issues – Diane with her inability to pick out a faithful man or even care if her man is faithful ... and LW3 perhaps more than just having super-sensitive taste buds and a father who gets upset over her not wanting to clean her plate. That's the best I can put it.
The one thing I'll say about LW3 is threats, lectures, being screamed at isn't going to solve the problem of her being a "picky" eater. Only time can, I guess. I dunno.
The one question I do have for the LW is this: You say you're divorced now, and Amy is now healthy, being the right weight for her height. What happened in that time between the divorce and now? Is it more than just her being found to be a "super taster" – and maybe more with the father than just his attitude toward her being a picky eater?
At the very least, it doesn't sound like the father is one who cares about any medical condition -- he's taking the old-school stance of making his daughter eat the food placed in front of her or else.
Anyway, not so much speculation as it is just questions.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:36 AM
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Re: Bobaloo #39
"I personally think they're just trying to make polite conversation "
Not if the questions includes the words "why" and "yet".
Comment: #41
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:28 AM
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@Bobaloo, I agree, time can often make a difference with picky eaters, more than any more "aggressive" parental strategy.
I think I've mentioned this before, but my family considered me a picky eater. They felt this way because a lot of the common foods they loved I really disliked (tomatoes and cucumbers in salads, corned beef and hash, liver and onions, boiled spinach, to name a few).
On the other hand, once I reached high school age and beyond, and started eating out with friend's families, there were a whole host of foods that I discovered that *I* liked but that my family wouldn't serve because *they* didn't like them. Broccoli. Fresh spinach. Lima beans. Tofu. Kale. Etc, etc.
So whenever I hear someone complain about someone who is a picky eater, I do have to wonder if they've really tried *everything* -- even some foods that the parents themselves might not like, but which they may find that their "picky eater" *loves*.
And it may not just be the food, but the preparation -- hence my "hate boiled spinach/love fresh spinach" issue.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:30 AM
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Lima beans are disgusting and you know it.
Comment: #43
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:03 AM
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Re: LW3
I notice a lot of you scoff at the notion of super-tasters but there is a lot of information about it. I heard about it around 10 years ago and answered a lot of questions for me. There are a lot of foods I don't like, especially vegetables, that taste very bitter to me. I also get overwhelmed by desserts that are too sweet, which some people can't fathom. I also love salt. Fish is so overpowering to me that, when I was about 8, my father threatened me with a belt if I didn't eat all of my salmon. Rather that be forced to eat it, I just laid on the bed and told him to spank me. It's that powerful and I was not a spoiled brat by any means. All of these are characteristic of super-tasters. I know we there are few others in my family because we all eat exactly the same way (i.e. plain cheeseburgers because the multiple flavors overwhelm the taste-buds.)
We have more taste buds on than most people. There is a simple test you can do to determine it:
1. Put a drop of blue food coloring on your tongue.
2. Use the hole from a piece of binder paper and place it on your tongue.
3. Count the number of taste buds you see within the space where the hole is.
4. If you have more than 30, you are a super-taster.
This explains so much to me because I don't WANT to be a picky eater. I try things all the time but I just don't like them! I would love to be able to just eat anything, like many people (although, maybe it's a blessing since I tend to overeat stuff I love!) It is difficult because you are always trying to find something you like on menus and at parties. Sometimes, I am stuck with only bread, so I usually pre-eat a little when I don't know the menu, just in case. And people do give you a hard time about it, so you are always defending yourself. THIS IS NOT SIMPLY BRATTY BEHAVIOR or lack of trying. It is a fact and it sounds like MT just can't handle anyone with different tastes than their own.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Julie
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:09 AM
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Zoe, Honey, those are called butta beans here and their Ummmmm Ummm good. Lotta fat back and cooked forever. Nothing better.
Comment: #45
Posted by: Penny
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:11 AM
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Point being: I think you have to pick and choose your battles, which ones to make conversation with and others that deserve a snappy "none of your business" response. If you don't feel comfortable discussing it, just say so, and most polite people will understand. No creative response required.
Bobaloo, I had a long, ramble-y message about how much I agree with that statement.. but I decided to forgo it and just say "I adamantly agree"
Comment: #46
Posted by: Casey
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:13 AM
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Zoe, you cray, girl. Lima beans are awesome
Comment: #47
Posted by: Casey
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:14 AM
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Re: Zoe (#43)
Hey, I LIKE lima beans!
Agree with Penny and Casey.
BTW – My brother is a fussy eater. My folks were gentle with him, comparably speaking, in part because – my grandpa (my mom's father) was a fussy eater.
Comment: #48
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:22 AM
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LW1 - An old best friend of mine seemed drawn to the "Bad Boys". I suspect this is the scenario. I would do as others have stated and just butt out. If he proves to be a Toad, all the LW can do is be there for her friend. And perhaps suggest counseling so she can pinpoint why she feels so unworthy.
LW2 - I am 39 and have a grandbaby. People look shocked and ask questions. I am sure the imposition goes both ways. Sometimes you just have to smile and respond with, "Why do you ask?" BEST way to stop a busy-body in their tracks!
LW 3 - I never made my kiddos eat more than they could handle. They would try something and I would respect what they did not like. My son loved tomatoes and asparagus when he was little. Hates it now. Go figure!
Comment: #49
Posted by: Anji
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:26 AM
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If I can weigh in on the picky food eaters:
I was the little kid that didn't eat many foods. It was a struggle, as my parents were determined to get me to eat what they wanted: fruits, cooked veggies, etc.
I would projectile vomit at the mere taste of some things. As I got older and was able to take responsibility for my own health, it turns out that I have an endocrine problem where my body produces too much insulin when eating carbs, like I dunno, fruits and cooked veggies? The things that I could not stomach were bad for me anyways. Listen to your kids. Get them to eat a balanced diet, but if they just can't eat what you want, find out why!
Comment: #50
Posted by: Julie
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:33 AM
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@Julie (44) -- if I had a child who would actually PREFER that I take a belt to her than make her eat something, I would get that child to a doctor, and pronto, because either there is something medically wrong (I had never heard of "super-tasters" until today) or something psychologically wrong. The point being -- that is clearly not just someone being "picky."
@Julie (50) -- not sure if this is the same Julie or not, but basically, same thing. If I had a child who would projectile vomit when fed certain things, I would get that child to a doctor, and pronto, because clearly there is something wrong there. Yes, a person can make herself vomit -- but since that typically involves sticking a finger down one's throat, and it's not usually projectile -- I would assume that a child who has projectile vomit (and I can obviously see that she has done nothing to try to make this happen) is having some sort of visceral reaction to the food that may have a medical root to it. Now, the kid who just spits it out -- obviously, that's different.
Comment: #51
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:56 AM
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I like most vegetables, but I'm with Zoe!
Also, super-taster is a valid condition. If the child tended to vomit, etc. over taste and smell of food, it most likely isn't parental caving. Some people do grow through it (similar to some instances of childhood food allergies), but not all. My understanding is it is not pleasant for the person at all.
Comment: #52
Posted by: MsMargB
Fri Apr 26, 2013 12:00 PM
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More on LW2 -- as noted, I think it's usually easy to tell when someone is making polite conversation and when someone is being meddlesome and/or intentionally rude/intrusive. Hubby and I waited 16 years to have children, so I got the "do you have any kids" and the follow-up "why not?" many, many times. I tailored my response based on whether I thought someone was just innocently asking or whether someone was being rude and meddlesome. Believe me, it was usually easy to tell the difference, and I have to say, more often than not, it was people just making conversation, and I felt no reason to put the smackdown on them.
My father, of course, as a result of having me as a daughter, also fielded the grandchildren questions a lot. He usually just shrugged it off. But one day, a relative of ours whom my father was not overly fond of and who is well-known to be a busybody (and also a know-it-all forever ready with unsolicited advice – no, I'm not talking about myself), made the mistake of asking my father why I haven't “done my duty” and provided him with grandchildren. Now, it's hard to say for sure what aspect of this he was most offended by – that she thought it was my duty to provide him with grandchildren, or just the general intrusiveness of the question – but my father decided to have a little fun with her, and he said: “well, her mother and I were worried that maybe they just didn't know HOW to make babies, so the last time we were visiting them, we showed them how it's done, so we are very hopeful they'll be announcing a child on the way anytime now.” I really wish I had been there to watch that conversation unfold.
But again, it was a strategic response tailored specifically for that woman, whom he knew to be just trying to stir the pot, as opposed to someone just innocently asking him a harmless question.
Unfortunately, if a particular topic has become "radioactive" for you for some reason -- like for Casey's parents, for example -- it's hard NOT to take the question wrong way, even when it really isn't intended that way. My guess is that LW2 is overreacting because she is not happy that neither of her children show any signs of providing her with grandchildren any time soon. And she's saying things like "it's not looking promising" since they are 32 and 28! Now, obviously, the daughter, at 32, does need to be thinking about her biological clock -- but 32 is not 42 (I ought to know -- I'm currently 42 and pregnant!). And for God's sake, her son is 28 -- and he doesn't even have much in the way of a biological clock to worry about! I'm sorry, but I REALLY think LW2 is projecting her own fear/disappointment/anger about neither of her children being married and with child at this point in their lives.
Comment: #53
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Apr 26, 2013 12:07 PM
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Re: Lisa
I had two cousins who, as children, were experts at making themselves vomit in protest.
Comment: #54
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Apr 26, 2013 12:28 PM
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@Zoe, I know no such thing except that lima beans are awesome.
Sounds like maybe we've found the secret identity of Captain Bitter, hm?
Comment: #55
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Apr 26, 2013 1:07 PM
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@Zoe -- and, with all due respect to your cousins, that is NOT normal, healthy behavior!! ;)
Comment: #56
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Apr 26, 2013 1:16 PM
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Re: Lisa
No, it wasn't normal, but it wasn't a medical issue that caused them to vomit.
Comment: #57
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Apr 26, 2013 1:27 PM
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LW1: There is nothi ng you can do except ask the band at the reception to play "Your Cheating Heart." And do wish her good luck. She will need it.
LW2: It shouldn't be hard to come up with a good answer. I'd start with "They are not married" and work my way up to "They don't seem to be in a hurry." Then change the subject.
LW3: I don't have children, but if I did, I would not attempt to force them to eat foods that they didn't like. That violates the Golden Rule - I would not want to be forced to eat something I didn't like; sauerkraut, for example. Blech. There are so many wonderful, delicious, nutritious foods to choose from. I'd figure out what my child LIKED to eat.
Comment: #58
Posted by: PuaHone
Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:02 PM
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LW1 - It's none of your business.
.
LW2 - It's none of their business.
.
LW3 - It's none of my business.
Comment: #59
Posted by: Mary Ann
Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:22 PM
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@PuaHone -- I agree that I wouldn't force kids to eat foods they didn't like, but... the thing is, half the time, they simply don't KNOW whether they like it at all or not. My son is only 21 months old, and we have been extremely conservative about transitioning him first from breast feeding to cereal and other baby food, and then to "real food," so we haven't experimented with a lot of stuff with him. But I can tell you that even just trying to get him to eat cereal the first time -- after months of his just happily breast feeding -- was no easy task. He didn't want to try it. He didn't want to do anything that required chewing and did NOT have anything to do with just cuddling up with mommy. He wasn't being "picky" per se, but was I supposed to just accept that the only thing he really liked was breast milk? Of course not. But those first few times of feeding him cereal came awfully darn close to force feeding. Now, of course, he LOVES cereal. The first time we tried to give him some scrambled eggs, he just kept spitting it out, spitting it out, spitting it out. It wasn't cereal. It required even more chewing. It, no doubt, felt weird in his mouth, given that all he'd had up until then was cereal and baby food. We just kept at it. We never pushed it for more than five minutes, so it took multiple attempts on different days -- just continuing to put it in his mouth and encouraging him to keep it there, chew it and swallow it. Now -- he loves eggs. Same goes for spaghetti rings and ravioli. Initially refused to eat it. We kept at it, and now he loves them. And my personal favorite: green beans. My son LOVES green beans (I happen to not like them -- I'll eat them if they're put in front of me, but I will never CHOOSE green beans). When we're looking for something "easy" to feed him, something we know he'll eat willingly and quickly and without a fuss, we grab the green beans. That is, we grab the mashed up baby food version of green beans. A while back, when we decided we really needed to be making more of a point of getting away from mashed up baby food, we figured the perfect thing would be green beans. We knew he loved his mashed up green beans, so moving him to steamed green beans cut into small, bite-size (for him) pieces should be a no-brainer, right? WRONG! He wanted nothing to do with them. Why? Because as soon as he felt them in his mouth, all he knew was "I've never felt this in my mouth before, it requires too much chewing, I don't like it." He's still not all that excited about regular green beans, while continuing to adore the baby food version of green beans -- we're still working on it, because we KNOW he likes them, even if he doesn't.
So, yes, I agree with finding out what a child likes to eat, and I agree that forcing them to eat stuff (and, in particular, forcing them to clean their plates) is not a good idea. But you can't figure out what a child likes to eat until that child TRIES different things, and getting them to try different things isn't always so easy -- and, as I have discovered, it can even be hard to get a child to eat something that you KNOW he likes!
Comment: #60
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:27 PM
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Re: MT-->>How do you screw up carrots?<<
My question would be, how do you make carrots taste good? I'll eat slivered carrots in a salad, because I can mask the taste with dressing. If somebody has a carrot dish, I'll eat enough to be polite. But, I DON'T like carrots. I don't like the taste or the texture. And raw? No way I'm eating a raw carrot.
I don't think the LW was vilifying her husband. He sounds like my father, who thought he could force-feed me and make me like stuff like cornbread and milk mixed together. I remember him beating me, when I was about 3, because I didn't want to drink that cr@p and got choked on it. (To this day, anything grainy makes me want to throw up.) And, a few years ago, when I had my allergies tested, dairy was at the top of the list.
I'm also allergic to a lot of vegetables, even broccoli, celery, and cauliflower, which I like.
Anyway, I'm glad the LW was talking about an ex. You've gotta love karma, because I've heard that my father now has trouble swallowing and gets choked on food.
Comment: #61
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Fri Apr 26, 2013 3:15 PM
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LW3: My post has nothing to do with "super-taster", but I saw an article recently that many more kids will eat broccoli if you call them "tiny tasty treetops", and use other "fun" names. For some reason, the word broccoli is just unappetizing. As for brussels sprouts, they are kind bleah boiled, which is how everyone always makes them, but baked/roasted they are amazing... although the people I know who were forced to eat them boiled as kids have a gut reaction to brussels sprouts, and won't let them anywhere near their mouths now, no matter what.
Comment: #62
Posted by: Steve C
Fri Apr 26, 2013 4:58 PM
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Re: clemma
Chris has scurvey? i thought it was scalymochhis, who knew?
Comment: #63
Posted by: lady lasagna
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:13 PM
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Re: Steve C
Baked or roasted brussel sprouts? Hm. Interesting. What seasonings would you use?
Comment: #64
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:39 PM
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I once knew a woman who was a grandmother at 28! Anyway, reading between the lines, I thought the LW was really asking, "How can I get my kids to produce a grandchild for me?"
Comment: #65
Posted by: MaggieN
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:52 PM
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Re: MaggieN
Dang, early bird got the worm, heh?
Comment: #66
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:55 PM
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And BTW gang (OFF-TOPIC ALERT), if there is an electrician amongst you, could anyone please explain to me why 90% of the whole friggin' house is plugged into ONE SINGLE flippin' breaker? I don't know why, but there are days when the minute the freezer gets buzzing, the whole house just goes POOF, because it's all in the same breaker. And it was the same at the last place where I lived. AAAAAARGH!
Comment: #67
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:49 PM
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@ Lise Brouillette RE: #67
Sorry for your frequent power outages. Assuming your homes have been older models, perhaps your Canadian engineers didn't anticipate that consumers would use ever more electronic devices as they do today! Back in the days, many homes had gas stoves, an electric refrigerator, either a radio or telly, a few lamps and little else plugged in.
Comment: #68
Posted by: Chris
Sat Apr 27, 2013 6:00 AM
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Re: Chris
Well, that is a given. Back in the fifties, people had one lamp and one TV for a whole room and that was it. But why bother having a box full of breakers if they're going to connect everything to the same one? I don't understand.
Comment: #69
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Apr 27, 2013 8:35 AM
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Lise#28- these snappy comebacks are hilarious! I hope I can recall them. I have an obnoxious relative who asked me if my son was gay, because he was single, in his 30's and never brought a girl around. I wish I had had you there to think up an answer for me! I usually have a quick wit, but that made me angry because of the way he asked it, in a mean way, and as if there would be something wrong with having a gay son. And at the time, I honestly didn't know if my son liked girls, because he never brought one around. But I figured that time would answer my question, and if my son wanted to tell me something, he would. Anyway, time did answer; he is now happily married with a baby he adores. But I would have loved him as much if he lived alone with cats, or a partner. I just really hate mean people who ask nosy questions with a mean intention behind it, because usually they pump you for an answer, then spread around whatever you say with an eye to making you look bad. Thank God I don't know many people like that.
Comment: #70
Posted by: Patty Bear
Mon Apr 29, 2013 6:08 PM
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Re: Patty Bear
"Why would you want to know if he's gay, are you interested?" ;-D
Comment: #71
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 30, 2013 7:52 AM
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Lise- :)
Comment: #72
Posted by: Patty Bear
Tue Apr 30, 2013 1:58 PM
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