Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

LW1: FOUR jobs and going to school with three children? Honey, you need to make some changes. Unless you are exaggerating about how many jobs you have while still going to school, when did you find the time to make three kids? And why did you do it with a drunk? This life doesn't make even a little bit of sense.

LW2 For a second there I thought I had written your letter! I am a 72 year old retired dancer...the rest of what you wrote. I have been thin all my life, a requirement for any dancer. I still wear a size 2.
Being thin is easier on your joints and on your heart,and makes it easier to be active.
Your being a nurse, you can cite the health benefits for being slim. I tell folks that I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe. PS I think those ladies who criticize you may be jealous.

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LW3 refers to the first letter on 29 December 2012 (Tired In Rural Oregon), which also had a whole column of responses on 9 February 2013.

>>I would never go up to someone and say, "You're fat. You need to lose a few pounds." <<

Unfortunately, there are people who would do just that. Either comment is rude.

LW1

As Judge Judy often says: "if it doesn't make sense, it's not true." And your letter makes NO sense whatsoever.

First of all, how is it possible to work four jobs and go to school? Are you working two part time jobs, going to school part time, working one weekend job, and another job filling out surveys from home? Then I can believe it. It also makes no sense that you imply infidelity then just move on like those quotation marks fell in there accidentally.

Anyway, IF your tale is true, you need to find a life coach or something, because you are a disaster.

LW2

People say that for three reasons: they are jealous, they are paying you a compliment, or they think you DO look too skinny. I have a friend who is beautiful but just last night I was thinking she is looking really skinny - bony, skeletal almost. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. If you feel you are living a healthy life, then don't worry about what people say. You can't control that, only how you respond, which should just be to say "oh, I've always been slim, and I'm happy with myself!" (If the questioner is particularly rude or something, you can always say "how funny, I was just thinking that you needed to lose weight!"

LW3

Kind of baffles me that this is even an issue. When I was a kid, my parents told me to pick up my clothes, so I picked up my clothes. Fancy bargaining or threats or car trunks not required.

Zoe, I don't think she meant to imply that he was cheating. The quotation marks around "friends" are probably meant to imply that these aren't true friends but enablers. But you're right about the life coach. Four full-time jobs is obviously impossible, so there's no telling how many hours those four jobs add up to, but since her loser husband is busy drinking and hiring babysitters, she's probably the primary breadwinner.

LW1 - I agree with Baldrz that the "friends" in quotes is meant to imply that they are not true friends by allowing her husband to get drunk and then drive in that condition, not that he's cheating. The four jobs and the school classes are probably all part time, which is not unusual in this economy and is probably all she can find. With her husband's drinking and staying out all night, it sounds as though he's unemployed and is at home during the day supposedly taking care of the house and kids. He could be depressed over the situation, but that's no excuse for his drinking and dumping the kids with a sitter.
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The LW definitely needs to contact AlAnon, and her prime concern should be her children. She needs to get them out of a potentially dangerous situation. She certainly doesn't need her husband in the home, so if he will leave until he can get his act together that would be optimal. However, if necessary she should make arrangements to leave with the children until he gets the help he needs for his drinking. There are organizations who can help her with that, but I can't suggest any particular ones, since we don't know where the LW lives.

LW2 - The LW could look pointedly at the person who makes the "skinny" comment and say that it's much easier on your heart and joints to be too thin as opposed to being too heavy. Or simply tell them that she's at a healthy weight for her age and build, or just ignore the comments. I agree with Sarah Stravinska that there's probably some jealousy at work here.

For those doubting the veracity of the 'four jobs', please understand that those receiving federal aide are often enrolled in 'work-study' programs in which they work 20 hours or so a week at campus positions, such as in the library, for dining services, etc, in exchange for continued financial aid.

If she works two-work study positions, she easily could be working another two part time jobs off campus while going to school. I've done it, (a returning adult student), and so have many of my peers. (Full disclosure, while I do have four children, my husband is not a useless child-endangering drunk ;-) )

LW 1, you acting like an idiot. Your problems are so many I don't know where to start, and yet your first to be listed is that your husband is selfish for hiring a sitter and going out--FOLLOWED by the fact that he drives home drunk and passes out in the morning. Don't you think THAT should be your FIRST concern? (And were it not for the drunkeness, your first concern wouldn't even be a problem--hiring a sitter and going out once in a while means your life is in balance, something that yours is clearly not.)
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There is n.o.t.h.i.n.g you can do to change your husband's behavior, so why not focus on changing YOU? First of all, you are NOT a mother, you are an egg donor. A mother is not simply someone who has given birth, and there is no way, with school, four jobs, the commutes between each, homework, housework AND an alcoholic husband (worse than being a single parent), that you can give any of your children more than a passing glance. To be a mother, you actually have to BE there, not constantly running out the door or in your case, running away.
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Now I'm sure there are many people who will jump all over me and scream that you are trying to make a better life for your kids with an alcoholic husband, but that's baloney. It's just that your long series of bad choices you have made throughout your life have finally fully entrapped you. You made this web that your children are now caught up in, one strand at a time.
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While your current circumstances oddly don't seem to be driven by dire financial need (there seems to be adequate money to hire sitters and go out, and for to pay for school) they do seem to indicate that , in your 30s, you feel you need more education and four jobs to support your family's needs/desires. (Otherwise, why are you doing this??) That situation didn't just happen yesterday. In other words, you've been in a situation for more than a decade where your education and job situation was inadequate to support a family. And please don't tell me you're in this situation because of the economy. Nobody goes from having an adequate job to needing four jobs and more schooling overnight just to survive. Likewise, it's highly doubtful your husband just became an alcoholic and a drunk driver waiting to kill someone yesterday, in his 30s. Most people who have drinking problems begin to show signs in their late teens/early 20s, so again, this is something you've known for a while.
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Yet even while you knew or suspected all of this--that your education was inadequate to support a family, that your job situation was inadequate to support a family, that your husband was inadequate father material--you popped out not one, not two, but THREE children.
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And you think it's just your husband who's the bad role model?
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It's too late to undo your past mistakes, but it's time to grow up and start putting your children first. First, see a lawyer to get child support and custody. Then kick your husband's sorry butt to the curb. Your kids don't need the trauma of when Daddy kills or maims someone and the lawsuits that will follow. If Daddy gets sober for five years, you can take him back if you still want him. Then go talk to your educational advisor and cut your classes to part-time, and cut two of the jobs, so you can spend at least two or three uninterrupted, unstressed, happy hours every day focused solely on your children. You may have to cut back to make ends meet, or accept handouts or student loans, or take in renters, but right now, your kids need at least one parent. Your husband can't be one, so you need to step up to the plate and make them your first priority. Your kids need you far more than they need your education or extra money. And get your tubes tied if you haven't already and don't remarry or move in with anyone until your kids are 18.

My first thought was Al Anon was a good start. Then I realized that she had no time to go. Second was that the children were certainly being 'neglected' by both parents and therefore she was part of this problem. She has gotten herself into this mess and now sees no way out. She doesn't mention any financial problems that require her to work 4 jobs nor that her husband doesn't work. Those seem to be important aspects that have been left out. Without knowledge of those two issues it is impossible to give any advice that would help with her problems. I agree with Jane that these problems did not just appear overnight but have been building up over time. She needs to go to a 'School Councilor' with whom she can tell all the pertinent facts, which wasn't done here, and get some advice that may help her. This I feel is too big a problem to leave in the hands of an advice columnist and the BTL gang. But then her biggest problem would be finding the time to go.

LW1--"My husband also has a drinking problem and won't admit it." Then you should be thankful that your husband at least has the wherewithal to send the children off to a sitter so he can go out to drink with his buddies rather than pass out drunk while they're in his care, which could result in a terrible tragedy. Here's what I see, a responsible hard-working wife and mother whose breaking her back to make a better life for her family. I also see an irresponsible man who evidently missed the memo where he grew up, got married and had children. It's time you and 'Peter Pan' had a frank discussion about the example he's setting for his kids, his priorities, your expectations and your extreme unhappiness with the status quo. Let your husband know that the marriage is in trouble and make counseling a condition of your willingness to work on it. You've got enough on your plate without babysitting a grown man in addition to working four jobs, attending school and managing your children. Maybe that will jolt some sense into your husband. Otherwise, DTMFA, you can do better.

LW2--I think you answered your own question. The next time some inconsiderate clod tells you that you need to gain some weight, look him or her directly in the eyes and say as sweetly as possible: "By the looks of your huge gut and fat ass, what I'm not eating, you are!" Then sweetly change the subject to the weather while they gape at you like a deer in headlights. Repeat as often as necessary. My guess is that your weight won't come up in conversation again.

LW3--Wow I have to marvel at your ingenuity! Eye roll, please! Honey, don't you think that millions if not billions of parents have thought to confiscate whatever their kids aren't picking up on their own?

LW1 -
To tell you quite frankly, I find it hard to believe that you can find the time to hold down four jobs while going to school, PLUS take adequate care of three children, all this with no help.

Let's look at the timeline here. Even at ten hours a week each, plus the time needed for even just one class per semester (you have to attend the class, and then there's study and homework), we're at AT LEAST 55-60 hours here, and it's probably more. Then there's taking care of yourself - personal hygiene, errands, meal preparation, laundry and housecleaning. That's another 15 hours AT LEAST, and that's with someone very efficient and not too maniacal about dust bunnies. We're currently at 70-75 hours a week.

Yes, one person can do that, but just the same, where do you fit in the three kids in there, especially if you have precious little help from hubby? You don't specify their age, so I won't go into timeline speculation about what you need to do for them, but they do have their own needs. How often are you physically there to attend to them?

You state that your husband comes home "early in the morning". How early is that, before of after you leave for work or school? And then he "passes out". Who's looking after the kids then, or are the three of them of school age and out of the house while he's sleeping it off? If he can afford to be out partying all night, I have to wonder if he's unemployed and home all day, but then my concern is, at what time is he alert and taking care of the kids (depending of their age), and are they left to their own devices in the meantime? You do know what would happen if CPS had wind of this, right?

I fail to see what advantage you have in staying married to a man who provides no help, no emotional support and who spends the night out with "friends" - which I take to mean he's also running around. Why are you tolerating this yurunda? Are you still intimate with him? You DO realise, I hope, that you're risking STDs, possibly incurable ones?

Since you seem to produce such miracles at time management, I suggest you find the time for a therapist. Do put a priority on this, because you need one badly. Oh, and let's not forget Al-Anon. You need that yesterday too. Try to think: your children are the biggest losers here, because I cannot believe they are not being neglected to some extent. Isn't there ANYBODY here who cares about them? Enough to actually DO something, I mean, and not just "worry"?

LW2 -
"How should I respond?"
You may want to start with the Annies suggestions, but failing any results, you may have to borrow someone's mouth and move on to, "Why, are you jealous or something?"

I would be curious to see the silhouette of the people making these rude comments - I'll bet you are the size they wished they were, and this is nothing but green envy.

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@Zoe #5
"Kind of baffles me that this is even an issue. When I was a kid, my parents told me to pick up my clothes, so I picked up my clothes. Fancy bargaining or threats or car trunks not required."
Same here, but things have changed a lot since I was a kid, and probably since you were one too. When I was that age, the standard television fare in terms of family shows was Father Knows Best. Nowadays there's a plethora of shows where it is considered immensely funny that kids talk back, refuse to obey, pull tantrums and generally be complete brats. Kids learn from example, and especially when they see everyone roaring with laughter. Unless you shut down the telly and the Internet completely, parents have a lot of competition these days.

@baldrz #6
We cannot know for sure whether the "friends" are enablers or female conquests or both, since she doesn't specify further, but I do know that it is extremely easy for a man to fall into bed with a woman not his wife when he's drunk. Even if doesn't have a full harem of them, chances are high he HAS done exactly that in the past, and will do it again.

@Kitty #7
Good point about hubby possibly being unemployed and at home with the kids all day, although I do wish she had made that clear. If that is the case, I frankly see nothing wrong with him getting a sitter once in a while so he can get out - he'd need relief same as anyone else. What I AM concerned about is that he drinks too much (possibly in the children's presence), spends the night out drinking (and God knows what else) and drives drunk.

And, if that be the case indeed... I am worried about the kids being home alone with a man passed out from drunkenness, while she's at work or school.

@Joanna #9
"Full disclosure, while I do have four children, my husband is not a useless child-endangering drunk ;-)"
Well, there you go, and therein lies your feasibility factor, which she doesn't have. I'm not questioning the school and the four jobs, as demonstrated in my post, and I sure know better than anyone that there ARE people putting in 70-80 hours a week. But where does she find time to look after three kids with no help? Four jobs plus school means she's hardly ever home.

Re: Jane
Rather harsh... but also rather accurate. ;-D

LW1: Honest to God, why in the world did you have THREE children with a selfish, immature drunk? Clearly, you must have known about his personality before you had three children. I simply don't understand why people have children under circumstances like this. Sure, accidents happen, but three times?

Re: Lise Brouillette
Lise, you made a good point about kids learning from example, and the plethora of TV shows with bratty kids, and people roaring with laughter while watching them. You and I are the same age, and I remember Father Knows Best, etc. Well, I remember like it was yesterday watching a Shirley Temple movie with my parents (I think it was The Little Colonel). There was a scene where the maid was icing a cake. She told Shirley, "You better not let me see you take any of that icing." Then Shirley sneaked a taste and went away. Then the maid said, " It's a good thing I didn't see that." Well, my parents roared with laughter. So the next time my mother told me not to take any icing, I did anyway. My parents then said that I couldn't have any cake. I then protested that they had thought it funny when Shirley Temple did it. Then they realized the wrong message they had sent me, and relented and let me have some cake. Well, magnify that about 10,000 time with today's shows. Not only would the kid openly take a bite, but then probably shove it into the person's face and say, "Oh, yeah???" And people laugh at that!! Times sure have changed!

I assume you knew that you were broke and undeucated with a drunk for a husband when you kept spreading your legs after the first kid. What can we do to help besides recommend a good planned parethood clinic You seem to have the common sense of an earth worm........., Here's some advise

!. Take fewer classes and spend some time at home
2. Divorce your husband and hit him with some well deserved child support
3. Get yourself fixed, tomorrow morning

Re: Chris

LW1--"My husband also has a drinking problem and won't admit it." Then you should be thankful that your husband at least has the wherewithal to send the children off to a sitter so he can go out to drink with his buddies rather than pass out drunk while they're in his care, which could result in a terrible tragedy. Here's what I see, a responsible hard-working wife and mother whose breaking her back to make a better life for her family. I also see an irresponsible man who evidently missed the memo where he grew up, got married and had children. It's time you and 'Peter Pan' had a frank discussion about the example he's setting for his kids, his priorities, your expectations and your extreme unhappiness with the status quo. Let your husband know that the marriage is in trouble and make counseling a condition of your willingness to work on it. You've got enough on your plate without babysitting a grown man in addition to working four jobs, attending school and managing your children. Maybe that will jolt some sense into your husband. Otherwise, DTMFA, you can do better.

If her husband goes into rehab, which has a 23% success rate and cleans up his act, it would be an average of 4-5 years before he would be back in the family....other than that, he's a write off. He is teaching the kids to be sloppy drunk, and she is teacheing the kids to be an enabling victim...this marriage is over...

Adios MF

Re: Jane

Ditto Jane, Ditto, well said

L1 - Just a semantics note, but I assumed when she said she was working 4 jobs (plus school) that she's probably got one part-time job, and is on-call to fill in as needed at various other jobs (as a cashier and whatnot).
I have no advice, but I must say it's letters like this that make me so so so glad that I've remained single and childless.

LW2: It's no one's business if you are under- or over-weight if you are fit and healthy. Actually, even if you're not fit and healthy, it's still no one's business. That said, when very thin people get old, and they don't maintain muscle tone, it's not pretty (but you say you are fit, so even that is probably not an issue).

LW1, I do agree with the others that your situation seems... exaggerated at best. Unless some of the things you are counting as "jobs' are actually very short-term and very few hours. But, if there's any truth at all to your story, you should think carefully about whether or not you'd be better off without this man. It may be that what little he brings to the table is still more than you'd have if you left him.

LW2, I think the way you dealt with this the entire rest of your life is still valid now.

LW3, just tell them to pick them up and have consequences if they don't and then follow through on those consequences.

@Lise, I was raised during the time of "Happy Days" and "Little House on the Prairie", and that didn't stop me from pressing my parent's buttons and being a rather stubborn and defiant child... so I'm not sure television's really the issue. Rather, I do think that too many modern parents take the easy way out, and try to hard to be "friends" to their children first and "parents' to their children second.

Re: Mike H
"I do think that too many modern parents take the easy way out, and try to hard to be "friends" to their children first and "parents' to their children second."
Oh, there's definitely that too.

LW2 I see absolutely no reason to make some snarky comment recommended by the Annies and some of the responses here. People your age who are skinny are usually unhealthy due to cancer or other health conditions. Your friends are trying to tell you that you look unhealthy. Instead of being nasty-nice, you may want to say, "I'm thin, but I'm really healthy as a horse! Thank you for your concern."

Re: Rozelle
That will do for the first 5 or 10 times. After the 110th, trust me on this, you'll have run out of patience. Don't ask me how I know this - I don't have the too thin/too fat problem, but my home decor sure counts as a substitute situation where people feel free to comment rudely.

I know plenty of people who have been naturally thin all their life, still are now that they're no longer young, and they don't have cancer. While I agree with you that the pear shape is called middle-aged spread for a reason, people who are very thin past a certain age, while in the minority, are no exception.