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Stammer Time
I can't talk to really pretty girls. If I'm talking to a girl I'm not that interested in or a dude, I'm golden. But if I'm attracted to a girl, my thoughts get totally scrambled. After a party, I walked this sweet, gorgeous girl to her car. She said some funny or cute thing about me, and I meant to say something witty back. Instead, I just said, "Huh." Somehow, it was all I had at that moment. It felt too awkward to keep standing there, so I just mumbled goodbye and walked to my car. Pathetic, huh? — Kicking Myself
It's good to keep a woman guessing — but not as to whether you want her to go out with you or give you the Heimlich maneuver.
A Dutch study confirmed what you and most of us already know — that talking to a hot woman can turn a man's brain into a pudding cup. The researchers — a team led by Dr. Johan C. Karremans — did the study after one of them was chatting up a "very attractive girl" he'd just met, intent on impressing her, but when she asked him where he lived, he suddenly couldn't remember his street address.
University of Chicago researcher Dr. Sian Beilock, author of "Choke" — a book about overcoming performance anxiety in sports, business, and the arts — explains that we have different types of memory. The type crapping out on you every time your head says "Well, hello, beautiful!" is "working memory," the cognitive horsepower that allows you to hold relevant information in mind (and protect that information from disappearing) while you're trying to do something else. Stressing about what a woman might think of you and overthinking things you normally do without much thought, like tossing around witty banter, depletes working memory resources that would otherwise be available — maybe to the point where you find yourself glancing around the bar for help recalling the simplest facts about yourself: "My name? Uh...Bud. Bud Light."
You stop the pretty ladies from pulling the fire alarm in your head and evacuating your every thought the same way you, haw-haw, get to Carnegie Hall — practice. Beilock lays out numerous examples that suggest that the more you practice under pressure the less likely you'll be to choke when the stress is on. For example, golfers who had their putting practice sessions videotaped and judged by coaches did much better in competition than those who practiced without scrutiny. You, likewise, would probably be helped by going out and practicing hitting on hot women with your friends watching in the wings or — better yet, to raise the stakes — with them watching and placing bets with you on how you'll do. To avoid self-conscious overthink, shift your focus from fretting about what a woman thinks of you to having a good time saying things you find interesting and fun. With practice, words should stop deserting you and you should have fewer grammatical accidents, making you far less likely to compliment a beautiful woman on how smashing she looks with, "Drop dead, gorgeous."
Speed Mating
This guy and I ended up having sex on the first date. I asked him whether he'd done this before and still had a relationship, and he said yes, but it didn't last. He said that for our next date, we should do something not involving sex and said we should meet for coffee on Friday. He texted to say the sex was great, and I told him I hope he doesn't feel different about me, and he said he doesn't. But, now he's texting me much less, and Friday came and went with no mention of getting together. — Huge Mistake?
There are two surefire ways to see that a guy sticks around after sex on the first date: handcuffing him to the headboard or developing magical powers to control men and small appliances with your hair. Otherwise, you should assume that sex on the first date will be sex on the last date. This isn't to say it necessarily will be. But no matter how good a man's intentions, he can't reprogram male psychology, which evolved to push him to seek sex without commitment with as many women as he can. (All the better to leave lots of offspring to pass on his genes.) What keeps a man coming back aren't good intentions; it takes an emotional connection that overwhelms his urge to be on to the next. So, whenever it's possible you'll want a particular guy in your life for more than an afternoon, see that you take things slowly enough for an emotional bond to develop. In other words, if you wind up on your back on the first date, he'd better be standing over you asking, "Oh, my gosh...you okay?"
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle To Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2013 AMY ALKON
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
It's Amy Alkon's Advice Goddess Radio! "Nerd your way to a better life," with the best brains in science solving your love, dating, sex, and relationship problems. Listen live every Sunday — http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon — 7-8 p.m. PT, 10-11 p.m. ET, or download the podcast at the link. The call-in number during the show is 347-326-9761. This week, Dr. Peter Gray — why play and principles of democracy are the keys to educating kids.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/2013/03/18/dr-peter-gray-why-kids-learn-better-through-play
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Comments
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19 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: Without saying too much more, I agree with Amy's advice – practice.
I know it's easy to get nervous when you talk to someone you're interested in. But just practice.
And also, be yourself and don't try too hard (to scare her off).
Comment: #1
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 2, 2013 9:38 AM
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LW1 -
Notwithstanding all that research, yet lots and lots of men manage to talk to a girl they like, date and actually marry her. Perhaps because they don't have THEIR brain in their parts and it's not invaded by backing-up semen.
P.S.: Do the women you can actually talk to KNOW that this is the dead give-away you think they're dogs?
LW2 -
Well, better you find out that this guy apparently divides women into good girls and throw-after-usage bad girls sooner than later - as in, after you've fallen for him. God knows how far he takes it and if this isn't one of those men complaining that their woman is a cold fish, but show him a woman who likes sex and he thinks she's a whore. Lots of that still around, even now in America and in 2013.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 2, 2013 11:19 AM
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Re: Lise Brouillette (#2)
"Perhaps because they don't have THEIR brain in their parts and it's not invaded by backing-up semen."
Well perhaps (and I'll admit I even had that thought about the LW).
But he did get to walk a pretty girl to her car. So apparently – assuming that he indeed was a guest at the same party she was, and not just the hotel valet and working security/escorting guests from the party to their cars – the two were able to have a presumably normal conversation before that and she liked him/felt comfortable enough to let him escort her to the car ... when he just dummied up.
It happens to the best of us. It's happened to me ... and don't tell me it hasn't happened to you once or twice.
Practice – which does include learning to focus on the woman, not just what will happen if he gets lucky and they share the night together ... and then letting the chips fall where they may.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 2, 2013 1:53 PM
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LW1: Why don't you pretend the pretty girls are human and go with that?
LW2: Next time try not making such a big deal about it. You scared the poor guy away.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Diana
Tue Apr 2, 2013 3:30 PM
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Well Lise, you've done it again. You've walked right into PB's mouth - if he's watching. Your take on LW2 is so self-biased it's almost funny. Where do you get, other than your own limited and unpleasant experience, that the guy referenced "divides women into good girls and throw away after sex" girls? Amy is 100% right - men ARE programmed to want sex - often and with lots of women. And the woman who has sex with a guy on the first date ( assuming she'd like to have a 2nd date) is an idiot - and all the feminist BS about men and women being "equal" doesn't change that. Just because you don't like that men get bored - ANY normal person gets bored when things are too easy - doesn't mean that he's a skunk and she's better off.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Tue Apr 2, 2013 4:45 PM
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Re: Bobaloo
"The two were able to have a presumably normal conversation before that and she liked him/felt comfortable enough to let him escort her to the car ... when he just dummied up."
Yeah, strange, isn't it?
"And don't tell me it hasn't happened to you once or twice."
Actually no, it hasn't, because my practice when I meet someone new is to ask questions and let him talk about himself. ;-D
@Maggie
Well, if I'm biased and traumatised by my own limited experiences, I sure ain't the only one, as the next two posters pretty much agreed with me... Out of five posts before this one, that makes us in the majority so far, I think. Time will tell about the rest. ;-D
Comment: #6
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Apr 3, 2013 7:48 AM
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LW1 -- It's the rare person who hasn't ever been tongue-tied at the worst possible moment -- during an interview for that dream job, meeting the parents of one's SO, etc. So, this kind of thing isn't usually restricted to the level of hotness of the person one is talking with, and it's also not restricted to the male of the species. The only thing I would be careful about with regard to taking Amy's advice -- some women might be a tad put off by the fact that you are specifically "practicing" on her and that you have specifically asked your buddies to watch you "practice" and even gone so far as to place bets on your level of success (especially depending on how you are defining "success").
LW2 -- I'm pretty sure you already know the answer: yes, this was a huge mistake, but maybe not for the reasons you are thinking. Can a couple that has sex on the first date still wind up having a lasting, meaningful relationship? Of course. But the odds are against it, and not simply because men are "programmed" this way. This doesn't have to be about "scaring a guy off" or finding out (the hard way) that he's a cad (though both of those things can happen, as well), and it doesn't have to be about the evolutionary psych theory that men are "programmed" this way. It's a simple matter of not having sex with people you do not know and therefore cannot really trust.
There are certain things you don't talk about on a first date, right? The really heavy, deep, important stuff -- stuff you will save to tell him about when you get to know him better and trust him more. Well, if there are certain "life stories" you wouldn't share on the first date because you'd rather get to know him better first and know that you can entrust him with that kind of knowledge about you, why on earth would you jump right into the sack with him? Sex is great, but having sex with someone you barely know is still a giant risk. It makes you both physically and emotionally vulnerable. That's why it's just good sense to save it for later, when you've had time to learn more about him and feel confident that you can trust him -- both in the physical sense and the emotional sense. I wouldn't have sex with a guy I wasn't sure was going to stick around and want to see me again. Ergo, I wouldn't have sex with a guy I barely knew. Unless this is a guy you've known as friends for years and just finally got around to giving a romantic relationship a try -- in which case it may be a first date, but you already know the guy pretty well and have good reason to believe you can trust him -- there's no way you know someone well enough on the first date.
The next time you have the urge to hop in the sack on the first date, ask yourself if this is someone you would want to parent a child with. Odds are, the answer to that question will be "how the heck would I know, I don't even know what is favorite color is? Heck, I'm not sure I know his last name!" Let that little wake-up call be a reminder of the myriad reasons you don't want to have sex on the first date.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Apr 3, 2013 8:29 AM
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@Bobaloo -- just wanted to give you props for your line: "So apparently – assuming that he indeed was a guest at the same party she was, and not just the hotel valet and working security/escorting guests from the party to their cars – the two were able to have a presumably normal conversation before that and she liked him/felt comfortable enough to let him escort her to the car ... when he just dummied up." I've been known to give you a hard time when I haven't agreed with you, so I wanted to make a point of telling you I got a kick out of that, as it would be pretty funny if we found out that he actually WAS working as security or parking valet!
@Lise -- As a professional journalist, I spend most of my day interviewing people, so it is not uncommon that when I meet someone for the first time, I wind up "interviewing" him or her, similar to what you say you do when you meet someone for the first time. Sometimes I'm not even aware that I'm doing it, so it's not even something I do "as a practice" -- it's just what I do. I also do a lot of public speaking and, like you, I have performed on stage. So, as a general rule, I am not easily flustered. Even so, I can admit that I've had occasion to find myself tongue-tied from time to time. As it happens, I can't think of a time when I was flustered because the person in question was extremely attractive -- but it's been someone who, for whatever reason, I have wanted to impress.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Apr 3, 2013 8:40 AM
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Lise, "not being the only one" doesn't legitimize your argument, and I think Lisa actually spelled it out best. There are so many good reasons to NOT have sex on a first date, I'm surprised that any woman with any self-respect would actually do it unless she only wanted the guy for sex, but that's not what the LW is complaining about. And, I will still emphasize that human beings in general don't appreciate what comes too easily, but Lisa still makes the best case for why you shouldn't. And it does not make the guy "the bad guy".
Comment: #9
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Wed Apr 3, 2013 8:43 AM
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@Maggie -- Years ago, when I was still in college, I had two roommates who both just happened to break up with their long-term boyfriends right around the same time. One of them wanted to get out there and sow her wild oats after having been committed to one man for a long time. The other wanted to get into another committed relationship ASAP. What was funny was that with such different goals, you'd think that they're MOs would have been completely different, as well -- but oddly enough, they were doing the same thing but with different results.
The one who just wanted to go out and have fun went out and had fun, and yes, she had sex with a couple different guys on the first date -- and she was perfectly happy with the results, as all she was after was having fun. She didn't care if she dated them again or not. She knew exactly what she was doing and why she was doing it, and she had no regrets and was content with her decisions and the outcome. While it's not an attitude I could ever relate to, I had no problem with it -- if she was happy and the guys were happy, where's the harm?
(as an ironic aside -- one of the guys she slept with that she had no intention of seeing again actually really WAS into her and kept calling her, and it was clear he hoped that the fact that she had sex with him meant they really "had something," and he was really hurt when she made it clear that wasn't the case. Does that make HER the @$$hole? In my book it would have -- but she had been very upfront about what she wanted and didn't want, and she also had the class to get together with him again and explain to him -- again -- that she was just out to have fun and was not looking for another relationship at that time. She was honest beginning, middle and end, so IMHO, she was NOT an @$$hole.)
The one who wanted to get into a lasting, meaningful relationship would go out with a guy, have a good time and fall into bed with him. Then she'd come home all dewy eyed about how they just had this great connection, blah, blah, blah -- and then be broken-hearted when they never called her again. Now, I actually do think a few of these guys really were assholes -- they could smell her vulnerability and desperation a mile away, and they sought to capitalize on it, which is not exactly the sign of a good person. BUT, I still place all the blame on HER for being stupid (and desperate) enough to basically equate sex with love and believe that if she had sex with a guy, he was totally into her and wanted a relationship with her. So, pretty crappy that these guys (most of whom knew her situation and knew what she was hoping for and knew EXACTLY what they were doing) were only too happy to take advantage of her -- but it's still on her for allowing them to do so.
It's possible that the guy in LW2 is, in fact, an @$$hole, and she's better off without him, as Lise suggested, but I still put it on the LW for putting herself in that situation. I mean, is there anyone over the age of 10 on the face of the earth who hasn't heard that it's a bad idea to have sex on the first date if what you're really after is a lasting, meaningful relationship? This isn't breaking news. She knew it was a bad idea -- that's why she followed it up with "I hope you don't think differently of me" (the equivalent of "will you respect me in the morning?"), because she KNEW it was a mistake. If you KNOW something is a bad idea and is likely to have an end result you are not happy with, here's a zany idea: DON'T DO IT! Not because it doesn't follow "The Rules" and not because "Good girls don't" and not even because you know it's not likely to get you what you want -- but because IT'S A BAD IDEA to make yourself that physically (and emotionally) vulnerable to a person you barely know.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Apr 3, 2013 12:41 PM
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Lisa, I don't think we have an argument. I totally hear what you're saying and it makes sense - especially where LW2 realized, somewhere in her little lizard brain, that having sex with the guy was not as great an idea as she thought. And now he appears to be losing interest - probably in direct proportion to her fear that she just blew it.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Wed Apr 3, 2013 5:35 PM
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Re: Lisa
Perhaps it has happened to me and I don't remember... The last time I remember distinctly, I was in my teens. I don't "interview" the man sneakily, as in putting him on trial, although I am conscious that I am asking most of the questions. It's just that I'm really interested in finding out what he thinks about this and that, what he likes, what he does, etc. So I will be asking a lot of questions indeed and I really do mean it.
And I find that this is a good way to deal with new people - not just men - because it makes the other talk more than you do, and then you learn about the person a lot more that way. If they ask questions themselves, then I readily answer. At my age, I likely will have answered the same questions many times, and so there is no worry that I'll fluster for an answer.
Mastering stage fright as a singer was extremely laborious and it took me several years. Singing in front of people is much worse (at least for me) than playing the piano or acting in a play. Vocal chords as a musical instrument is a part of yourself and, if they don't like your voice, then it's like they don't like YOU. Intellectually, you know that it has nothing to do with what they may think of you as a person, but just the same, emotionally, it is perceived as a personal rejection and you have to fight this and talk youself out of it every time.
I guess going through that successfully is probably why talking to people, in private or in public, really doesn't phase me one bit. That, and decades of learning by heart all the one-liners I came up with one hour later in the Maritimes, and filing them away in my brain for future reference. It works - I've developed quite a sense or repartee in my old age, which I didn't have when I was much younger.
If by any chance, I'm in a situation that is socially uncomfortable for me, I'll just smile a lot, talk as little as possible - and ask people questions about themselves. It works very well.
@Maggie
I didn't perceive Lisa's post as a rebuttal, never said sex on the first date was recommended and, if men were bad guys every time their poor little brain goes on neutral and disengaged from their mouths the minute they espie a pair of very large boobs, then there would be very few good guys on the planet Earth! You may want to read some of the comments on Yahoo about Abby's LW1 for today. :-D
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Apr 3, 2013 5:37 PM
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Jeez, Amy, not you too--falling for that bullpucky about how men can't help themselves because evolution has programmed them to be promiscuous and spread their seed. Tell me: if that's the case, then why is the average man horrified, rather than thrilled, when The Other Woman becomes pregnant?
Comment: #13
Posted by: Kimiko
Wed Apr 3, 2013 6:20 PM
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@Maggie -- definitely wasn't arguing! Saw that you agreed with me and couldn't help but spout some more on the same topic!
@Lise -- no doubt, stage fright is a much more difficult thing for a person to conquer than getting flustered when talking with someone one wants to impress. But I do believe that they are both sort of on the same spectrum -- similar issues, but with different degrees of intensity, if you will. And I made a point of bringing it up because obviously stage fright doesn't necessarily have a sexual component to it. In your initial post on the topic, you seemed to be implying that the problem was that the LW was thinking with his penis instead of his brain. And he might be. But it's just as likely that this is really the same mechanism that might make him nervous in a job interview, or a major presentation that could have important repercussions for his career, or performing on stage. Just felt like you were hard on the LW, basically telling him he's a knuckle-dragger who can't think with the proper organ (though in a much pithier way than that), and I was just pointing out that this really may have nothing to do with him being a knuckle-dragger who can't think with the proper organ.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Apr 4, 2013 6:58 AM
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@Kimiko -- you must not read Amy's column very often. She is a devotee of evolutionary psychology. While I am sometimes frustrated by it, since she treats it like the Gospel, as opposed to the unproven theory that it is, I also recognize that evo psych CAN offer some valuable, useful insight. Like any theory (or even Gospel, for that matter), it can be twisted or, as I like to say, "devolved" by some to suit their needs. So, guys who want to be @$$holes and want to pretend like it's not their fault, they're just wired that way, will use evo psych as "proof" that they cannot help themselves. Real men (and women) recognize that we do not have to be slaves to our "wiring." If everyone just followed natural instinct all the time...well, we wouldn't be typing this "conversation" because humans would have killed each other off eons ago.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Apr 4, 2013 7:03 AM
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Should note, lest Princess Bride or others looking for man-bashing in every post, that when I said "Real men (and women)..." I meant "Real men (and real women)..." Because I am well aware of the fact that some women are equally guilty of saying "I can't help it, I'm just wired that way..." So, I wasn't saying that all women and just the "real" men recognize that we don't have to be slaves to our wiring. I am saying the REAL ADULTS, regardless of gender, recognize that we don't have to be slaves to our wiring.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Apr 4, 2013 7:07 AM
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Re: Lisa
"you seemed to be implying that the problem was that the LW was thinking with his penis instead of his brain."
As a matter of fact, if he was saying he has difficulty talking in public, or difficulty talking to people, or even difficulty talking to women in general, my response to him would have been very different.
But it's only when his wazoo's interest is engaged that he becomes tongue-tied, so yeah, I think he's thinking with his penis instead of his brain the minute the woman is "possible". Anyone who knows him at all also knows that the minute he can talk to a woman, it automatically means he's not in the least interested, which is rather offensive.
Yes, it is the same mechanism that is involved, but the motivation and root cause are very different. I think a guy who is so very selective in his "shyness" has a pro-blem.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Apr 4, 2013 8:59 AM
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LW1--Unless you want women to think you're a Neanderthal who speaks in single syllable grunts, or you want to marry an ugly girl who resembles a dude, I suggest you join ToastMasters. It's a group setting where you'll learn to speak comfortably in front of others as well as hone your conversational skills.
LW2--You're a dumbass if you thought having sex on the first date was going to land you a boyfriend. Men love the thrill of the hunt, not a two bit tramp who gives it up on the first date. The thrill is gone and so is that guy. Next time you're on a first date, try leaving something to the imagination.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Chris
Sun Apr 7, 2013 8:13 AM
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Re: Chris (#18)
Uh, me Bobaloo. You ... suprise me.
LW1 response not what I expected. Me thought you rake guy over coals. Me thought you say he only in it for hot sex. You not say that. That surprise. *grunt* *grunt*.
OK, enough with the fun, I guess to be honest, that's real nice of you to suggest Toastmasters, given other BTL posts I've seen from you over the years about men asking about wanting to real in a hot woman. This IS a good suggestion. Bravo!
Comment: #19
Posted by: Bobaloo
Mon Apr 8, 2013 6:27 PM
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