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Marc Dion
Marc Dion
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The Sweetheart of Cellblock 'C'


The reason we have "stand your ground" laws is so white guys will not be anally violated in prison.

If you're one of those guys who wears camouflage pants to the mall, or even if you're a slightly less nuts-o upholder of the American Dream, you are damn well prepared for the day when a gang of cracked-out, hoodie-wearing thugs breaks into your house to rape your wife. I use that example because, if you listen to talk radio discussions of stand-your-ground laws, the callers always spin out a scenario of attempted wife rape.

And you, who have bought a 9mm handgun made by calm-eyed German factory workers, you have become fully skilled at shooting in a variety of "combat situations." You have fired thousands of rounds (you never say '"bullet," you say "round," like the cops do), and you have fired these thousands of rounds at a shooting range located in a mini-mall between Sensei Ray's Dojo and a sub shop.

A gang of drug-emboldened, rape-minded black men has no chance against you.

Admit it. You've practiced in front of the mirror.

"I don't want to put a round in you," you say to the mirror. "But I will if I have to."

The problem is, things being what they are, what with everyone wearing a hoodie, some blindingly white sneakers and a big mess of diamonds in their teeth, there is a worrisome possibility that you will shoot the wrong black guy.

A pizza delivery guy, for instance. Or some rap-looking kid whose car broke down in your neighborhood.

You do that, you end up on trial for murder. Even if you live in one of the "good" states that has a death penalty, you're going to do at least a dime in jail before they flip the switch.

Because of your willingness to sling the iron, your wife will indeed go un-raped.

You, on the other hand, will not go un-raped, and if you're tuned into the popular horror story, you know damn well that the raping is going to be done by Shakwan, Andre and the rest of the guys in Cellblock C.

If they can't have your wife, they'll settle for you, perhaps in a corner of the showers.

You hear the talk. Some scumbag goes to the can for robbing an old lady at knifepoint, and you and your friends all say the same thing.

"He'll get what's coming to him in prison," your buddies say. "That guy is going to be Big Bubba's wife."

None of your buddies has to specify the color of "Big Bubba's" skin. Goes without saying.

Tough thing to think about, doing the colon rumba with Big Bubba.

I mean, you're no CRIMINAL. You live in a house you own, not some stinking piece of rental property. You have credit cards. Your kids play soccer.

So, it doesn't seem fair that one mistake with your weapon (you never say "gun," you say "weapon," like the Navy SEALs do) will get you anally raped in prison by the very kind of black men who, when out of jail, have nothing on their minds but your wife.

That's where the stand-your-ground law becomes a useful thing. You pop the wrong guy with your weapon, the stand-your-ground law gives you some chance to explain, to make clear to a judge that you are not some murdering drug dealer who does his killing with a gun he never polishes, a gun he's never, ever fired at a paper target. You own a "weapon," and it doesn't "shoot bullets," it "fires rounds." See the difference?

No judge, hearing that defense, can possibly send you off to be the Sweetheart of Cellblock C.

So don't think of stand-your-ground laws as a redneck "license to kill." Rather think of them as a necessary tool for preserving the virginity of Second Amendment-loving white guys who put a round in the wrong guy.

They're waiting for you. In Cellblock C. And, without your weapon and your rounds, how you gonna stand your ground?

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit



8 Comments | Post Comment
Without a weapon and rounds, Mr. redneck will most likely stand his ground by joining a gang. You don't need a gun to engage in violence.
Comment: #1
Posted by:
Fri Apr 13, 2012 12:25 PM
I'm sorry. I can't tell if your serious or facetious. Facetious I think, but you might want to work on your message. It's like email humor, it just doesn't come through.
Comment: #2
Posted by: C Moellers
Fri Apr 13, 2012 4:00 PM
I can't remember when I've ever read such a complete piece of garbage as this "column" that someone actually got paid to put out.

I'm sure all Mr Dion's friends on the cocktail party circuit will think this is the funniest (and most accurate) thing they've read in years.

To the rest of us, his comments come across as this year's version of Obama's "bitter clinger" remark of 2008.

John Edwards was right about one thing: There really are "two Americas." He just got the breakdown wrong.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jeff Gunn
Fri Apr 13, 2012 10:26 PM
No, this wasn't funny. It's trashy and offensive. It's below 4th grade humor to compare rounds going off to homosexual actions. Also offensive are the obvious lies about the races involved in this case. Mr Dion, why is your sick, twisted, and disgusting story about "white guys"? I assume your story is about George Zimmerman, who's 1/2 Caucasian and 1/2 Latino. Does that qualify him as a "white guy"? President Obama is 1/2 Caucasian and 1/2 African. When was the last time you referenced him as a "white guy"? I guess I can only take away from this that the liberals are race baiting hoping to turn this into another racial issue.
Comment: #4
Posted by: MadIdahoMan
Sat Apr 14, 2012 8:12 AM
I normally enjoy reading your columns and respect your opinion; often I find that I get somethign useful from them. In this case, you really missed. I would encourage you to read Walter Williams commentary "Media Dishonesty and Race Hustlers" which is closer to reality than what you describe. It's easy to find fringe events that support an agenda or belief......but when viewed from a larger perspective certian things come to light.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Mike Matull
Sat Apr 14, 2012 11:21 AM
I enjoyed Mr. Dion's tongue in cheek assessment and agree with the scorn he delivers to the immature mentality of many legal gun toting and ready for action cause I got a weapon against whatever 'threat' their overactive imaginations present. It requires a well honed and sensitive mind aware of the absurdness of it all to deliver a message such as this.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Steve
Sun Apr 15, 2012 7:46 AM
We are all entitled to opinions, that's what makes freedom so precious. While you and I may not agree about the need (or more aptly the right) to own and use firearms (or other means) to defend one's self, I have to wonder if your opinion would be different if you've ever been the victim of violent crime (where firearms were present, or not)?
While there may be many "Barney Fifes" out there, there are far more intelligent and thoughtful people who chose to be prepared to protect themselves in the event of a deadly threat. Why would you deny the means and rights of these people to protect themselves? What you see as absurd, many see as the fringe, at least people who are rational and understand statistics and politics.
My family and myself have been the victim of violent crime. Fortunately the need to use deadly force did not occur, but it was close. Although I had the means and opportunity to "protect myself and my family" I chose not to shoot anyone. Being prepared provides a sense of safety that would be impossible if I were denied the right to own or use tools that allow for self defense. Does being prepared to protect one's self automatically make me absurd? I think not, and I can assure you that the police can't, and will not, protect you in a deadly situation, you are on your own.
I may be rambling but the point is that it's easy to buy into the notion that all (or most) gun owners are pathetic wannabes and our country is a more dangerous place to be because of that. But that's the easy way out…….the violence in this country goes very much deeper than mere access to firearms, which contrary to popular belief is not really that easy (at least for law abiding citizens). We really need to look much deeper into this before we agree to more laws regarding firearms and the ability to protect ourselves.
My family and myself have been the victim of violent crime. Fortunately the need to use deadly force did not occur, but it was close. Absent the opportunity to "protect myself and my family" I can tell you that the police can't, and wont, do this for you.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Mike Matull
Sun Apr 15, 2012 11:40 AM
Re: Mike Matull
"Being prepared provides a sense of safety that would be impossible if I were denied the right to own or use tools that allow for self defense. Does being prepared to protect one's self automatically make me absurd? I think not, and I can assure you that the police can't, and will not, protect you in a deadly situation, you are on your own. "
I usually ask people who scoff at the idea of someone wanting to be prepared for a violent confrontation if they have a fire extinguisher in their home.
Clearly, they must all be firefighter "wannabes" who never grew up. We should probably have them all evaluated by psychologists, because they may have arsonist tendencies.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Jeff Gunn
Sun Apr 15, 2012 9:32 PM
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