Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate Creators Syndicate is an international syndication company that represents cartoonists and columnists of the highest caliber. en Wed, 21 Nov 2018 09:57:21 -0800 Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate 9a35a621397fda78d186ee427559eeee Psst! You Wanna Buy Some Grass? for 11/19/2018 Mon, 19 Nov 2018 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Damn, I miss illegal marijuana!</p> <p>Weed used to be so cool. If you smoked it, you were hip, an outlaw, maybe even a little bit dangerous.<p>Updated: Mon Nov 19, 2018</p> dbd2e1efc588453cbb13d09681fb553f A Little Balance in the House for 11/12/2018 Mon, 12 Nov 2018 00:00:00 -0800 <p>We, the people, dammit. We are sometimes hard to look at, but we are the many-headed god to whom the big gods bow.</p> <p>In the most recent elections, the pundits say, Democrats "took back" the house. But if you want to know the truth of it, it was just good old tax-paying, tattooed, truck-driving us bringing a little balance back to things.</p> <p>Because we do that, we, the people.<p>Updated: Mon Nov 12, 2018</p> 255303a9f3c15bcede3583549516eafb Humor Is Dead, And I Don't Feel Too Good, Either for 11/05/2018 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>The columnist, pouring flop sweat like Brett Grabanaugh at a #MeToo meeting, seizes the microphone stand like a drowning man clutching at another drowning man.</p> <p>"But seriously, folks," he says. "How about that airline food? It tastes really bad.<p>Updated: Mon Nov 05, 2018</p> 43cf850888896a58cc17636c8fe3b261 Fashion Trends in Men's Weaponry: Kicky New Guns for Winter! for 10/26/2018 Fri, 26 Oct 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>My wife owns 48 pairs of shoes, although, as she huffily pointed out to me, that includes sneakers. Apparently, sneakers are not to be included in any official shoe count.</p> <p>Before you think I'm the kind of husband who prowls through his wife's belongings looking for forbidden luxury, the only reason I counted her shoes was because we were moving, and I got bored with just carrying things.<p>Updated: Fri Oct 26, 2018</p> 9d9bee9aff3f404f706bb8f22f87a904 Say a Prayer for Fall River for 10/22/2018 Mon, 22 Oct 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>In Fall River, Massachusetts, the red brick and gray granite perpetually poor city of 90,000 where I live, the mayor is under indictment on 13 separate federal counts of wire fraud and filing misleading tax returns. The mayor's name is Jasiel Correia II, a 26 year-old chipmunk-faced fellow with a very nice wardrobe and an apartment over a bar. People are calling on him to resign, but he is staying in office where he can draw a hysterically inflated salary of $120,000 a year. In addition, he can use the rapidly dwindling power of his office to solicit contributions to an internet-based legal defense fund. We understand this well in Fall River, where people frequently start GoFundMe pages to cover the funeral of an overdosed relative.</p> <p>In cities where there is a Gucci store and an art museum, this kind of thing barely slows the gentrification of former ghettos, and it would never stop the building of a new seaport convention center.<p>Updated: Mon Oct 22, 2018</p> 41b57807c365fa5ff36e6bcbadd0dbd6 Age and a Nice Walk for 10/15/2018 Mon, 15 Oct 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Being 61 years old, and damn near, kind of, semi-retired, I told my wife I was going to walk every day.</p> <p>"Join a gym," she said. "You can join a gym for $10 a month, and you could go during the day when there are not too many people there."<p>Updated: Mon Oct 15, 2018</p> 3866a1c0c762230d56d7cb9d746a3710 If Some Skank Complains... for 10/08/2018 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>In light of recent news of a national war between the sexes, I'm going to tell you a little story I think explains everything.</p> <p>I tended bar for a while. That's no surprise. Young working-class men who need money and don't want to join the military often end up behind the bar.<p>Updated: Mon Oct 08, 2018</p> e98412de72a0f1292b8226af6893c39d Crying With Rudyard Kipling for 10/01/2018 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I have a good education. I got it at a state university, at a suburban high school, and, most importantly, from the Sisters of the Holy Union of the Sacred Heart, at a red brick, square grade school with two-family houses across the street. So, I read, because one of the ways you can tell you have a good education is that you continue to read even after you're all done with school.</p> <p>I like all kinds of authors. Willa Cather. Jack Kerouac. Francis Parkman. Roger Crowley. Sholem Aleichem. Snoop Dogg. Byron.<p>Updated: Mon Oct 01, 2018</p> d613fd85cfa9f17cf3fd9d9cc04ee659 How To Tell If Harassing Women Makes You a Woman Harasser for 09/24/2018 Mon, 24 Sep 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Back in the days before video games in which a man can play as a female character, we (and by "we" I mean street-corner bums like me) had a simple rule that helped us determine if a guy was gay.</p> <p>If you ever did anything sexual with another man at any time, for any reason, you were gay forever.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 24, 2018</p> 254e67b713b9f29882591e2805739cdd Cleavage Contest Continues for 09/17/2018 Mon, 17 Sep 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Not far from where I live, there's a Renaissance fair. In the advertisements for the event, "fair" is spelled "faire," so you know you're getting the real thing. Many of the vendors at the faire refer to their business as a "shoppe," rather than a "shop," so you can be really sure what you're getting.</p> <p>Anyway, should you decide to goe to the faire this nexte weekende, you will witness the "cleavage contest," which contains no extra letters except those related to bra size.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 17, 2018</p> 816e7d779cae1614ca32d0da2f20a6c6 The Camera Adds 10 Pounds of Tears for 09/10/2018 Mon, 10 Sep 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p>I live in Fall River, Massachusetts, a city of 88,000 people invariably described in newspaper stories as either "a gritty former mill town" or "a town at the epicenter of the opioid crisis." In a needle-sharp bit of irony, a company is trying build a new opioid treatment center on the site of an abandoned mill that burned down a couple of years ago.</p> <p>We still call 'em junkies here. Or at least we do until a family member dies of an overdose. Then we start calling them "victims of addiction." You can't say "junkie" at your daughter's funeral. It's not polite. All you can do at her funeral is hope her friends don't show up high &#8212; and they will. Maybe you'll show up high. Grieving parents are on the fast track for doctor-prescribed mood stabilizers.</p> <p>Charlie Hunnam, a movie star I wasn't aware of, is here in Fall River, filming a movie about a bareknuckle fighter and his brother. The brother is apparently in trouble with the bookies.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 10, 2018</p> 5da3a96599d258488945c0bad70c0dfa Now Hiring: The Trump White House for 09/03/2018 Mon, 03 Sep 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>There's a warehouse close to my house, and they're hiring.</p> <p>They're always hiring up there. The jobs pay minimum wage, half of them are part time, and they monitor you electronically to make sure you're working. A guy who got a management job in that warehouse told me that an hour of his two-hour "orientation session" was devoted to a crudely made video about how to spot possible union organizers.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 03, 2018</p> 65a830dc719f202de98d5ca2039c47d9 Animal Crackers in My Soul for 08/27/2018 Mon, 27 Aug 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I like animal crackers, and every now and then I'll buy a box. They're vaguely comforting because they taste like my childhood, which is to say sweet and with just a touch of vanilla. I buy them in the food aisle of my local drug store in what I call the "Grandma Candy Aisle." That aisle is where they keep the little bags of sour balls and marshmallow circus peanuts. I buy those, too.</p> <p>I haven't bought a box of animal crackers in a while, but I understand they've changed the picture on the front of the box. They haven't changed the taste, though, so I'll be all right. I pay more attention to what's in the box than I do to what's on the box, which is why I didn't vote for Donald Trump.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 27, 2018</p> dfec97931c972062a880ba24a1e479c2 Where I Keep My Catholic Church for 08/20/2018 Mon, 20 Aug 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>On a bookshelf in my home office, in the room where I am writing now, there is a set of rosary beads. They belonged to my father's mother, and to other family members before her. Family legend has it that, before my family came to Canada, they belonged to a Dion who was laid out for burial, with the rosary in his hands, back in France. One of his sons, desperate to remember him, stole the rosary from between his father's dead hands.</p> <p>The rosary made it to Canada on a sailing ship, and down to Massachusetts on a train. My father carried that rosary to Maryland, to Missouri, and left it to me when he died, after he retired to Massachusetts, dying maybe two miles from where his mother died.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 20, 2018</p> f21320425ad68652a5d29f77f92ea084 The Art of the Korean Deal for 08/13/2018 Mon, 13 Aug 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>North Korea got to keep its nuclear missiles. American got 55 boxes of bones.</p> <p>Shrewd.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 13, 2018</p> 0bddf590426bc050033b4cd26c696fa2 On the Loose in America: I Don't Need No Stinking Photo ID for 08/06/2018 Mon, 06 Aug 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Let me tell you about my life as an American outlaw. A bandito. A scofflaw. The Hells Angels cut down an alley when they see me coming.</p> <p>A couple years ago, my driver's license expired. I didn't even notice. You think I'm the kind of guy who knows when his driver's license is up for renewal? Ask the Hells Angels if I'm that kind of guy.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 06, 2018</p> 04064ee44a5f51bdf88cee933bdc8362 Non-Weed Smoker's Blues for 07/30/2018 Mon, 30 Jul 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>As recreational marijuana becomes legal here and there throughout the country, I feel like I'm losing what people saw as one of my good character traits.</p> <p>Despite the fact that I was in high school and college during the 1970s and 1980s, I don't smoke marijuana.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 30, 2018</p> 36b2231b79766396c8884f88c880c2ed Did the Rich Man Die, or Did He Just Want to Help? for 07/23/2018 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>A couple years ago, in one of America's few remaining department stores, I fell in love with a sport coat. I like sport coats. I'm a reporter who smokes a pipe, so I need lots of pockets.</p> <p>The coat was made by Ralph Lauren, a brown, black and subdued yellow check. It was made of mohair and wool.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 23, 2018</p> fb7b87ada7b4d3d57535a24b05a5f3c1 Good Habits for 07/16/2018 Mon, 16 Jul 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Somebody once told me olive oil was a good thing to put in your body, so for six months, I got up in the morning, poured myself a shot glass full of olive oil, and banged it back like a shot of whiskey. Then, I made coffee.</p> <p>I proudly told the woman who gave me the olive oil tip what I was doing.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 16, 2018</p> 0c08c23ea83c7b9a19f712738a76d990 But What About Our Troops? for 07/09/2018 Mon, 09 Jul 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>"If beans is what we got, beans is what we eat."</p> <p>That's something my mother used to say. The saying and the attitude come from the Great Depression, a 1930s patriotic event during which her family almost starved to death.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 09, 2018</p>