Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate Creators Syndicate is an international syndication company that represents cartoonists and columnists of the highest caliber. en Sun, 17 Dec 2017 09:15:53 -0800 Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate e230ccbd28cf8043e29405585c6559dd Pickett's Charge for 12/18/2017 Mon, 18 Dec 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Rather than rehash the numbers, let's just say that the black voters of Alabama are the reason Roy Moore isn't bringing his cowboy-hatted slime to the Senate.</p> <p>Pickett's Charge failed again, toiling up the hill in slavery's cause, but faltering under the guns, and failing to take the heights.<p>Updated: Mon Dec 18, 2017</p> 39b525091d31b26e134386f3af3dd050 Goodbye, Jesus for 12/11/2017 Mon, 11 Dec 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I'm getting a little sick of Jesus.</p> <p>When I was a kid in Catholic school, back in the early 1960s, Jesus was in the prayer books, surrounded by lambs, lambs whose bellies must have been warm and soft, and wonderful to touch.<p>Updated: Mon Dec 11, 2017</p> f0bf57556ddb909908d069dd60c1adff The Guy's Guide to Sexual Harassment for 12/04/2017 Mon, 04 Dec 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>When I was a kid, if I belted one of my cousins in the mouth while arguing over a sled, and knocked him face first into a snow bank, my mother used to apply one piece of wisdom.</p> <p>"How would you like it if somebody did that to you?" she'd say, shortly before clipping me sharply over the left ear. She was right-handed, so her shots always landed on my left ear.<p>Updated: Mon Dec 04, 2017</p> 6894a85767cdde638cf9b9038b5fa5a1 Coffee, Cultural Shifts and Sadness for 11/27/2017 Mon, 27 Nov 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Coffee is what the cigarette used to be.</p> <p>In 1963, if you asked a guy, "You want a cigarette?" he said, "Yes."<p>Updated: Mon Nov 27, 2017</p> 63cd3bf2bac5e677d92790cfdba0cced Don't Get Shot By the Cops! Wear Tweed! for 11/20/2017 Mon, 20 Nov 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p>Recently, police in the city where I live shot a 19-year-old Hispanic man in circumstances that remain under investigation, as they say while waiting for the public to lose interest.</p> <p>Of course, as soon as the guy died, people whose agendas have eaten their souls found the young man's Facebook page and before you could say, "The little spic deserved it," they were posting pictures of him shirtless, in a logo cap with the brim straight across, waving a bottle of Hennessey cognac.</p> <p>See? See?! Ya don't get killed by our thin blue line of heroes unless you look like a THUG! Ya don't get smoked by men and women who risk their lives every day unless you don't bend the brim of your cap. Now, into the dirt, Pablo! By the way, in the pictures, the kid's holding up a <i> pint </i> of Hennessey. How gangsta are you if you can't afford a fifth of the stuff?<p>Updated: Mon Nov 20, 2017</p> 0cc5e8bd0843110d9844b90bcdc5fd07 Putting the Pieces Together for 11/13/2017 Mon, 13 Nov 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I live in a city with 88,000 residents and 17 dollar stores. I also work for the local newspaper, and my desk is next to the police scanner. I hear everything first.</p> <p>On a Tuesday, the day before the first really cold day of the year, the scanner's screechy garble told me a man had overdosed outdoors, on the bit of grass surrounding a local apartment complex.<p>Updated: Mon Nov 13, 2017</p> dd2a8ffe2583bebbfb02f029faada096 Cashin' the Checks for 11/06/2017 Mon, 06 Nov 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I'm a saver, a working guy who puts money in the bank. If you do that, and you stay continuously employed for 46 years, and you work way up to a middle-class wage, you end up with a solid rock of money in the bank.</p> <p>And it's not that I'm a financial genius, either. I just lived on 85 percent of my salary for nearly half a century. At first, the money went into the bank, and then into a bank IRA, and then into mutual funds, and then into a 401(k).<p>Updated: Mon Nov 06, 2017</p> 5303be0281ae280a5193bd8427060c4d Jesus Christ Akbar! for 10/27/2017 Fri, 27 Oct 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p>It wasn't just a good newspaper story; it was a great newspaper story.</p> <p>On a Sunday night, the owner of a small off-brand convenience store was working behind the counter of his store, which has a big sign in the window reading "EBT CARDS WELCOME." The store is in a poor neighborhood, seven blocks from a housing project, three blocks from the homeless shelter and just a half-a-block from a laundromat.</p> <p>It's in the city where I live and work as a reporter, a former cotton mill town of 88,000 with an education problem, a heroin problem and an unemployment problem. The last time I was in the neighborhood was the night a guy with $100 in his pocket showed up to buy some sneakers from a guy he'd agreed to meet, after dark, on the street. The guy with the $100 got robbed, and the robbers took off, the cops chasing them and their 9-year-old Toyota through crooked side streets with cars parked on both sides.<p>Updated: Fri Oct 27, 2017</p> 0bcc5acfd42a820b11ace34c398f027e Are My Socks Gay? for 10/23/2017 Mon, 23 Oct 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I was sitting on the edge of the bed this morning, on my wife's flowered bedspread, happily pulling on a new pair of socks.</p> <p>It's fall in New England, and the temperature's been kind of snappy in the mornings. I'd been waiting for this day.<p>Updated: Mon Oct 23, 2017</p> cf6742fef3c9a8236da98a5af1966b51 Trump Should Take the Rap for 10/16/2017 Mon, 16 Oct 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Despite my age, which is 60, and my wardrobe, which is tweed, plaid and khaki, and my color, which is white, I like rap music. Oh, I still like country music, my first favorite, but something has always drawn me to the beats and the rhymes, and the "urban" station is a preset on my old-school car radio.</p> <p>So I wasn't completely out of the loop when rapper Eminem dropped his President Trump diss on television the other night. "Lose Yourself" is one of the songs I play when I write.<p>Updated: Mon Oct 16, 2017</p> 4b3eb6e2fadc16202fc68fa0295af8dc Here's a Tip for 10/09/2017 Mon, 09 Oct 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p>Dispatches from America these days tend to be either soaked in tragedy or soaked in Trump, which means they're soaked in the same thing.</p> <p>Still, you can't forget those of us who haven't been shot, aren't high on heroin, or have not just become the newest member of President Donald Trump's whack-a-mole White House staff. We're still trying to make a living, and a damn skinny living it is most days.</p> <p>Up in Massachusetts, where the politicians talk funny, and won't let mentally disturbed people buy a howitzer, the state legislature is taking up the matter of tipping in coffee shops. At issue is who gets access to the tip jar. In the past, the legislators have said that managers don't get to split tips, just the employees.<p>Updated: Mon Oct 09, 2017</p> 6030031d30d27d16cf56a0d8bc3758e4 The Man Who Wouldn't Pledge the Flag for 10/02/2017 Mon, 02 Oct 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>For 25 years, I've been a reporter on a midsized daily newspaper. For a few years, my beat was a nearby town, a small place that was rapidly making the transition from farm town to suburb. </p> <p>It was a good beat. It was a 26-mile round trip from the newspaper office. There was no interstate way to get there, and the drive out and back was scenic. I covered their every-other-week town council meetings, and I liked the job. On my way out of the city, I'd buy a cup of $1 convenience store coffee, light a cigar and drive between blooming meadows or frozen stubble corn. The meetings started at 6 p.m. and usually ended around 10 p.m., so I did a lot of my driving in the dark.<p>Updated: Mon Oct 02, 2017</p> fd11f2eb8bfb33f13dbfbc8c8a1404cf Have an American Beer, You Sap! for 09/25/2017 Mon, 25 Sep 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I went out to dinner the other night, to a local place, a Portuguese-American social club with a restaurant. Servings are large, prices are low, and the dining room is luxuriously paneled in circa 1970 fake pine. It's a good place. I ordered the baked stuffed shrimp and a Budweiser. I don't drink a lot of Budweiser, but I've always liked it with seafood.</p> <p>The can of Bud they brought me was, as usual, annoyingly emblazoned with the word "America," and a verse from the national Anthem. I think it also said, "E Pluribus Unum," which I think means, "Made by a foreign company."<p>Updated: Mon Sep 25, 2017</p> 70a2022727e3988f756b78d8b4f60d85 The Boss Is a Weasel for 09/18/2017 Mon, 18 Sep 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I don't want single-payer health insurance.</p> <p>You know why?<p>Updated: Mon Sep 18, 2017</p> d8b8da99c01d1b52ac6a49c2444ba9ec Dreaming of Straight Talk for 09/11/2017 Mon, 11 Sep 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Donald Trump, United States president and international punchline, wants to repeal the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, sometimes called the "DREAM Act." Well, he wants someone else to repeal it for him, since he can't change laws all by himself, not until he becomes president for life.</p> <p>And you can't agree with that, can you? My God, the recipients are called "Dreamers"! Are you against dreams? Do you hate the hopes of children? When children lie in their little beds, warm in their Spider-Man pajamas, do you long to interrupt their dreams, and send them outside into the howling winds of a Chicago winter where they will no doubt be shot and killed by another, older dreamer?<p>Updated: Mon Sep 11, 2017</p> 6b03a07e35b58743cfd2c435065ed70a Abandoning Houston for 09/01/2017 Fri, 01 Sep 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>We ought to just let the grass take Houston, the grass and the bayous. Same thing with New Orleans, a city that was born on life support. It's a big country. Those people can find somewhere else to live. Maybe they can refugee up to Canada. We could give every Houstonian $100,000 to make a new start. The poor and the meth addicts will take it, and the rich people have money in stocks. The middle class would be badly hurt, but it's $100,000, and there are office jobs everywhere.</p> <p>Trump could go down there every week, and make a speech to the 'gators promising to make things better. The 'gators are Trump's kind of people, all reptile brain and big teeth, and hungry a lot of the time.<p>Updated: Fri Sep 01, 2017</p> b1b2bbf4d60d0908b7dbc37a68a577ff Making an Afghan with No Pattern for 08/28/2017 Mon, 28 Aug 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>One of my aunts and my grandmother both made beautiful afghans, those cozy, crocheted lap-warmers that remain popular. I don't think as many women crochet or knit as in that day, but there's more than you'd think. Like stamp collecting, afghan-making doesn't make a lot of noise in the world, but it always has it's congregation.</p> <p>I remember they used to buy patterns for the afghans or swap them with other women. Mostly, they swapped, because one of the purposes of making something at home is to do it cheaply.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 28, 2017</p> 7dc1b0aaa67d9c0fea8ea6343009a0ff There Goes Colonel Sanders for 08/21/2017 Mon, 21 Aug 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p>One of the worst advertising flops I've ever seen has been the effort to replace the original Colonel Sanders, the portly, white-suited gent who invented, and later advertised, Kentucky Fried Chicken.</p> <p>The first Colonel Sanders replacement was teenage-girl-chained-in-the-cellar creepy, and the newest guy is vaguely threatening, plus, in the most recent television commercial, the camera focuses on his crotch.</p> <p>The original Colonel Sanders was the king of cholesterol, the count of crispy skin. He was nonthreatening, and a little heavy, and he really cared about chicken.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 21, 2017</p> 655b9112d0b67dce653da2f6ac10e2e1 Lining a Bird's Nest for 08/14/2017 Mon, 14 Aug 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I believe everyone should invent at least one thing before they die. It doesn't have to be a new kind of artificial intelligence, or a car that runs on ketchup, or anything important. It's enough if you invent a better way to make your favorite noodle casserole, just as long as you mark your life with a little innovation.</p> <p>Me? I invented trimming my beard in the yard.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 14, 2017</p> addfb848a837f92e7301faf1ddfb3561 A Slap (or Not) From My Pop for 08/07/2017 Mon, 07 Aug 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>When I was a kid, and I did something wrong, I got punished.</p> <p>But Pop had standards.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 07, 2017</p>