Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate Creators Syndicate is an international syndication company that represents cartoonists and columnists of the highest caliber. en Tue, 27 Jun 2017 22:16:47 -0700 Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate 7eb05045088579bc58303eef5ef5501f Retiring During a Civil War for 06/26/2017 Mon, 26 Jun 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>My parents were good working-class Americans, so they taught me to be scared and ashamed. They taught me to be afraid of unemployment, poverty, the boss and the cops. They taught me to be ashamed of most bodily functions, embarrassed if I looked poorer than I was, and terrified of what other people thought of me.</p> <p>Fear and shame have been good to me. I've never cashed an unemployment check. I finished college. I own a home. And I try to walk through the world without leaving tracks. I'm the 60-year-old man in a plaid shirt eating dinner alone in McDonald's because his wife is working the night shift. I drive the speed limit. I have never been arrested, and I never use all my sick days.<p>Updated: Mon Jun 26, 2017</p> fd5ca4ca1ef1708520def7780664abec Brave and Getting Braver: Anti-Gun Control Politicians Risk All for Votes for 06/19/2017 Mon, 19 Jun 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>As we crank up the swastikas for the Second American Reich, we are told that all cops, firefighters and members of the military are heroes. If it wears a uniform, it "puts its life on the line every day," and to speak against it is treasonous.</p> <p>But what about the greatest heroes of them all?<p>Updated: Mon Jun 19, 2017</p> 8cc135a4ddb7f2143c3aecb9de9db51b What Happened to 'That's Too Bad'? for 06/12/2017 Mon, 12 Jun 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I could have counted the seconds, and I wouldn't have had to count too high, either.</p> <p>Counted until what?<p>Updated: Mon Jun 12, 2017</p> 57557f027ceeff956da8c898aacddb6d Sainthood Is Hard for 06/05/2017 Mon, 05 Jun 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>If you were a saint, you'd have to stop on your way to work and give all your money to a panhandler. You'd probably have to kiss him, too. Then, you'd have to give all your clothes to people whose clothes were old and ragged. You'd show up at work naked, and you'd get fired. Even strippers are supposed to have clothes on when they GET to the job. This is why sainthood is a job that's always hiring, because saints have to care about everyone and everything, all the time.</p> <p>I get up Wednesday morning in America, and I drink a cup of warm furniture polish, and I find out Kathy Griffin, a woman who was once slightly famous, is in trouble for taking a picture with what looked like the severed head of President Donald Trump. Trump said the picture upset his 11-year-old son. The kid's name is "Barron." His mother goes outside, yells, "Barron!" and three German shepherds show up in the yard.<p>Updated: Mon Jun 05, 2017</p> 6c986e6614a6723362b563f9d3dbbb37 Biggie Smalls' America for 05/29/2017 Mon, 29 May 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I love this country, where Biggie Smalls and confusion won a victory just before Memorial Day, reminding us all of what it means to be an American.</p> <p>Smalls, a rapper otherwise known as The Notorious B.I.G., was as important to some people as Willie Nelson is to some people, and Kurt Cobain is to some other people. Smalls died when someone put four bullets into him.<p>Updated: Mon May 29, 2017</p> 7cabaf57f37c2943e12a173995312360 Marrying the Russians for 05/22/2017 Mon, 22 May 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p>The Russians appear to have been wooing President Donald Trump for a while, but Trump's outraged response to the idea that laws may have been broken indicates that there may have been a secret marriage.</p> <p>Wooing is nice. Girlfriend is nice. Wife is nice, but wife is a whole different bowl of borscht.</p> <p>Girlfriend you can get rid of pretty easy, like leaving a newspaper in the back seat of a taxicab. Wife is not so easy to lose, more like leaving your wallet, your house and your bankbook in the back of a taxicab. Husband is also harder and more expensive to lose than boyfriend.<p>Updated: Mon May 22, 2017</p> 94ecfcd8abfab13f42f3207048c9271d Cacerolazo for 05/15/2017 Mon, 15 May 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p>Did I join Did my mouse click in the wrong spot? I'm a reporter. I don't join things. What I do know is that if they charge dues, I didn't join. I didn't even pay my dues at the AMVETS this year, and they have a bar. I'm not trying to stiff the AMVETS, either. I just forgot to pay, and it's only $35 a year.</p> <p>Aside from ethics, the reason why I'm wondering if I accidentally joined is they sent me an email inviting me to protest the recent actions of President Donald Trump. Maybe they sent it to me because I'm a reporter.</p> <p>Here's what they want me to do at this demonstration. They want me to bring pots. They said, "Bring pots." "Bang pans," they said. "Honk horns." <p>Updated: Mon May 15, 2017</p> 1c6fec9114a96ad301656118b254c77c I Wrote a Book in a Difficult Time for 05/08/2017 Mon, 08 May 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>From time to time, Creators, the company I write for, gets out a book of my columns. The most recent book came out last Tuesday. It's called "The Land of Trumpin" and it's about 2016 and 2017, the year I lost so many of my own people.</p> <p>I was a working-class kid. We lived in rented apartments with chain-store furniture. My folks paid the bills on time, but they never owned a new car and, when my father died, he left an insurance policy and a pinkie ring I wear sometimes.<p>Updated: Mon May 08, 2017</p> a001e367e44e29bff23c7c6d619b0d06 Breakfast and Taxes for 05/01/2017 Mon, 01 May 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I like to go out for breakfast. I don't mean I like a nice dragon fruit smoothie and a banana, either. I like to go to diners.</p> <p>I like ham and two eggs, over easy, home fries, toast and coffee. I like steak and eggs, too, or pancakes and link sausage, or eggs and corned beef hash, or French toast and bacon, not too crisp on the bacon. I like an omelet, too, usually ham and Swiss cheese, though I like a pulled pork omelet, too.<p>Updated: Mon May 01, 2017</p> da8da4dd25efa7f1778339b9e14b71ab Bill O'Reilly and Aaron Hernandez for 04/24/2017 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>During Aaron Hernandez's first trial, at the courthouse in Fall River, Massachusetts, I stood in the street out front with a notebook in my hand and talked to people. I was born in Fall River. The courthouse is three blocks from the paper where I am a columnist/reporter, six blocks from the now-defunct restaurant where my father proposed to my mother and seven blocks from the now-defunct Singer sewing machine store where my mother took premarital sewing lessons. </p> <p>The city editor had to tell me who Aaron Hernandez was before he sent me out. I'm a boxing fan, a much cleaner sport than football because boxing doesn't lie. Boxers die brain-damaged and broke, and everyone knows it and no one gives a damn.<p>Updated: Mon Apr 24, 2017</p> 58d3cfff6f3aee6437a4077a61844e4a Get Out Of The Republican Party! for 04/17/2017 Mon, 17 Apr 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>As Trump Administration Misspokesperson Sean Spicer just proved, Republicans remain unconvinced about the evil nature of Adolf Hitler. They're not too sure slavery was that bad a deal, either.</p> <p>Spicer most recently did a great job of damn near denying the Holocaust, while simultaneously referring to concentration camps as "holocaust centers."<p>Updated: Mon Apr 17, 2017</p> 756baa73b435326d8262bfe6e837ea7d Same Socks Marriage for 04/10/2017 Mon, 10 Apr 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Due to a teenage stint as a worker in a hotel laundry, I am a highly skilled folder. My wife discovered this soon after we married, when I offered to fold some clean laundry she'd just taken out of the dryer.</p> <p>"You're really good at that," she said, looking at the pile of neatly folded towels, washcloths, sheets and pillowcases I'd just produced.<p>Updated: Mon Apr 10, 2017</p> ed8c3e1b622ca1476c9bcf674e156493 Sanctuary Now! Sanctuary Forever! for 04/03/2017 Mon, 03 Apr 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>"Segregation now! Segregation forever!" is what the pols used to roar in the old "Hey, Boy! We don't serve your kind" South.</p> <p>They got votes with it, too.<p>Updated: Mon Apr 03, 2017</p> 702fa9c812afe804a029c3fe468d6f9f Coat and Tie Required for 03/27/2017 Mon, 27 Mar 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I'm a newspaper columnist. I write this column, but I'm also the columnist for The Herald News, a midsized daily in Massachusetts. I write two columns a week for The Herald News, sometimes three, and I've been doing that work for 25 years.</p> <p>I work in a 130-year-old brick building, on the second floor, in a brutally lit, sparsely furnished newsroom where I am 20 years older than nearly everyone.<p>Updated: Mon Mar 27, 2017</p> f6fee4eb0e6919488b0c34f82c0a69eb A Rule for Reporters for 03/20/2017 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Here is the rule for reporters in as short a form as I can provide.</p> <p>If the focus of your reporting is to "catch" a politician doing something wrong because you don't like him or her, or because embarrassing politicians makes you feel important, sooner or later, you will write something stupid. <p>Updated: Mon Mar 20, 2017</p> b1170f641615bc850153e233ea03b586 A Bowl of Stew for 03/13/2017 Mon, 13 Mar 2017 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I had a bowl of stew for dinner tonight. It was the old-fashioned kind of stew. Meat. Potatoes. Carrots. Onions. Mushrooms. My wife made it in the crockpot.</p> <p>My mother never used mushrooms in her stew. She did, however, throw in a handful of frozen green peas at the end of the cooking.<p>Updated: Mon Mar 13, 2017</p> 1c168a015a745b9fb07001a13fb9ab47 Democat? Republicat? for 03/06/2017 Mon, 06 Mar 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I've been trying to figure out which political party claims the loyalty of our two cats. Don't judge. I'm a 59-year-old reporter who gets very tired after work, so I don't go out much anymore. After work, I go home and the cats and I stare at each other. Once everyone is satisfied that no one is going to anything cute, we all have a little something to eat and lie down for a while.</p> <p>Here's the litter box scoop.<p>Updated: Mon Mar 06, 2017</p> 12aef504346da6c3e5f5fc550478bdc2 I'm an Enemy of the People for 02/27/2017 Mon, 27 Feb 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I'm too young to have been a big fan of what they used to call "protest music." By the time I was in high school, there was a lot more disco than there was discontent.</p> <p>Of course, back then, you could still get unionized factory work, so it was pretty easy to sing, "I will survive," or even "Ring my bell." My high school graduate father had a pretty good job, so he was able to help me help myself through college and I was able to work my own way through graduate school.<p>Updated: Mon Feb 27, 2017</p> 56cc6b9766a5cb3640b5b4dd8b7941d9 First Date With Russia for 02/20/2017 Mon, 20 Feb 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>America, having spent Valentine's Day 2016 alone, was searching for a soulmate.</p> <p>America's been talking to Russia online, exchanging emails, keeping things on the down low, and it's been looking pretty good. Russia is manly. Russia is strong. Russia has plans for global expansion. We heard Russia beat up the Crimea, and it made us America hot.<p>Updated: Mon Feb 20, 2017</p> e837cf5a3a045e80e111a45cec48696a Donald Trump's Ghost Dance for 02/13/2017 Mon, 13 Feb 2017 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>In 1890, in the American West, out there where the streams are fast and clear and the rivers are slow and muddy, a Native American named Wovoka started preaching the Ghost Dance.</p> <p>It wasn't a good time to be Native American, as it hasn't been since. The buffalo were gone. Ravaged by disease, hungry, drunk and preyed upon, the remainder of the people squatted forlornly on pieces of land the white people didn't need for a pipeline yet. There was no longer any way to live the way they used to live just a generation ago. In this manner, they were much like people in the Midwest whose fathers worked in the auto plant, but the plant's gone, so they clerk at the 7-Eleven.<p>Updated: Mon Feb 13, 2017</p>