Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate Creators Syndicate is an international syndication company that represents cartoonists and columnists of the highest caliber. en Wed, 19 Sep 2018 22:01:48 -0700 Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate 254e67b713b9f29882591e2805739cdd Cleavage Contest Continues for 09/17/2018 Mon, 17 Sep 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Not far from where I live, there's a Renaissance fair. In the advertisements for the event, "fair" is spelled "faire," so you know you're getting the real thing. Many of the vendors at the faire refer to their business as a "shoppe," rather than a "shop," so you can be really sure what you're getting.</p> <p>Anyway, should you decide to goe to the faire this nexte weekende, you will witness the "cleavage contest," which contains no extra letters except those related to bra size.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 17, 2018</p> 816e7d779cae1614ca32d0da2f20a6c6 The Camera Adds 10 Pounds of Tears for 09/10/2018 Mon, 10 Sep 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p>I live in Fall River, Massachusetts, a city of 88,000 people invariably described in newspaper stories as either "a gritty former mill town" or "a town at the epicenter of the opioid crisis." In a needle-sharp bit of irony, a company is trying build a new opioid treatment center on the site of an abandoned mill that burned down a couple of years ago.</p> <p>We still call 'em junkies here. Or at least we do until a family member dies of an overdose. Then we start calling them "victims of addiction." You can't say "junkie" at your daughter's funeral. It's not polite. All you can do at her funeral is hope her friends don't show up high &#8212; and they will. Maybe you'll show up high. Grieving parents are on the fast track for doctor-prescribed mood stabilizers.</p> <p>Charlie Hunnam, a movie star I wasn't aware of, is here in Fall River, filming a movie about a bareknuckle fighter and his brother. The brother is apparently in trouble with the bookies.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 10, 2018</p> 5da3a96599d258488945c0bad70c0dfa Now Hiring: The Trump White House for 09/03/2018 Mon, 03 Sep 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>There's a warehouse close to my house, and they're hiring.</p> <p>They're always hiring up there. The jobs pay minimum wage, half of them are part time, and they monitor you electronically to make sure you're working. A guy who got a management job in that warehouse told me that an hour of his two-hour "orientation session" was devoted to a crudely made video about how to spot possible union organizers.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 03, 2018</p> 65a830dc719f202de98d5ca2039c47d9 Animal Crackers in My Soul for 08/27/2018 Mon, 27 Aug 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I like animal crackers, and every now and then I'll buy a box. They're vaguely comforting because they taste like my childhood, which is to say sweet and with just a touch of vanilla. I buy them in the food aisle of my local drug store in what I call the "Grandma Candy Aisle." That aisle is where they keep the little bags of sour balls and marshmallow circus peanuts. I buy those, too.</p> <p>I haven't bought a box of animal crackers in a while, but I understand they've changed the picture on the front of the box. They haven't changed the taste, though, so I'll be all right. I pay more attention to what's in the box than I do to what's on the box, which is why I didn't vote for Donald Trump.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 27, 2018</p> dfec97931c972062a880ba24a1e479c2 Where I Keep My Catholic Church for 08/20/2018 Mon, 20 Aug 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>On a bookshelf in my home office, in the room where I am writing now, there is a set of rosary beads. They belonged to my father's mother, and to other family members before her. Family legend has it that, before my family came to Canada, they belonged to a Dion who was laid out for burial, with the rosary in his hands, back in France. One of his sons, desperate to remember him, stole the rosary from between his father's dead hands.</p> <p>The rosary made it to Canada on a sailing ship, and down to Massachusetts on a train. My father carried that rosary to Maryland, to Missouri, and left it to me when he died, after he retired to Massachusetts, dying maybe two miles from where his mother died.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 20, 2018</p> f21320425ad68652a5d29f77f92ea084 The Art of the Korean Deal for 08/13/2018 Mon, 13 Aug 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>North Korea got to keep its nuclear missiles. American got 55 boxes of bones.</p> <p>Shrewd.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 13, 2018</p> 0bddf590426bc050033b4cd26c696fa2 On the Loose in America: I Don't Need No Stinking Photo ID for 08/06/2018 Mon, 06 Aug 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Let me tell you about my life as an American outlaw. A bandito. A scofflaw. The Hells Angels cut down an alley when they see me coming.</p> <p>A couple years ago, my driver's license expired. I didn't even notice. You think I'm the kind of guy who knows when his driver's license is up for renewal? Ask the Hells Angels if I'm that kind of guy.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 06, 2018</p> 04064ee44a5f51bdf88cee933bdc8362 Non-Weed Smoker's Blues for 07/30/2018 Mon, 30 Jul 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>As recreational marijuana becomes legal here and there throughout the country, I feel like I'm losing what people saw as one of my good character traits.</p> <p>Despite the fact that I was in high school and college during the 1970s and 1980s, I don't smoke marijuana.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 30, 2018</p> 36b2231b79766396c8884f88c880c2ed Did the Rich Man Die, or Did He Just Want to Help? for 07/23/2018 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>A couple years ago, in one of America's few remaining department stores, I fell in love with a sport coat. I like sport coats. I'm a reporter who smokes a pipe, so I need lots of pockets.</p> <p>The coat was made by Ralph Lauren, a brown, black and subdued yellow check. It was made of mohair and wool.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 23, 2018</p> fb7b87ada7b4d3d57535a24b05a5f3c1 Good Habits for 07/16/2018 Mon, 16 Jul 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Somebody once told me olive oil was a good thing to put in your body, so for six months, I got up in the morning, poured myself a shot glass full of olive oil, and banged it back like a shot of whiskey. Then, I made coffee.</p> <p>I proudly told the woman who gave me the olive oil tip what I was doing.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 16, 2018</p> 0c08c23ea83c7b9a19f712738a76d990 But What About Our Troops? for 07/09/2018 Mon, 09 Jul 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>"If beans is what we got, beans is what we eat."</p> <p>That's something my mother used to say. The saying and the attitude come from the Great Depression, a 1930s patriotic event during which her family almost starved to death.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 09, 2018</p> a1f6166582453b269f472232aae802ed The Last Union Stronghold for 06/29/2018 Fri, 29 Jun 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>The real aristocrats of the working class aren't bartenders, they're cops &#8212; and firefighters. If the place where you live is poor enough, they're $30,000 a year clerks in city hall &#8212; and high school janitors.</p> <p>A recent Supreme Court decision is going to make it hard for those workers to exercise power through their unions.<p>Updated: Fri Jun 29, 2018</p> 4a4be0885c66840eaabccb5c1b8d055b Hitler Was a Hero for 06/25/2018 Mon, 25 Jun 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Despite what my left-leaning friends say, there is a big difference between President Donald J. Trump and Adolf Hitler.</p> <p>Hitler was a hero.<p>Updated: Mon Jun 25, 2018</p> c903d2bd9d1b1f110c9cdfe3c9b8d57b Trump Will Win Again for 06/18/2018 Mon, 18 Jun 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>If nothing goes really wrong, President Donald J. Trump can win re-election. This is particularly true if the Democratic Party runs some caricature of liberalism like Elizabeth Warren. She'd be a better president than Trump, but she'd be a worse candidate than Hillary Clinton. Female, extremely liberal and from Massachusetts, she'd get the same numbers that Clinton did in the same places that Clinton did, and that's not good enough.</p> <p>You want to know why Trump is on the path to winning?<p>Updated: Mon Jun 18, 2018</p> 1c206febb95e0cebb610f170af47dbc6 God Bless Wherever for 06/11/2018 Mon, 11 Jun 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I really believe President Donald Trump, big-brained, many-worded upholder of the Bible and the flag, could forget the words to "99 Bottles of Beer On The Wall." After all, he forgets he's married from time to time. Hello, Stormy? President Elvis is waiting in the jungle room.</p> <p>Well, maybe Trump wouldn't forget the words to "99 Bottles of Beer." He' just sing the first 12-pack, and then figure he'd had his beer, and he'd go bankrupt.<p>Updated: Mon Jun 11, 2018</p> 45dc5e4a053eb8617ca83cdcadaa7092 The Soda Bottle on the Dinner Table for 06/04/2018 Mon, 04 Jun 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>A lot of the women President Donald Trump knows can be seen naked on the internet: his wife, Stormy Daniels, Kim Kardashian.</p> <p>When you catch your teenage daughter sending naked pictures of herself to her boyfriend, don't get tense.<p>Updated: Mon Jun 04, 2018</p> ca6a38083c9d36bf331f68959fb82909 Snowflake Kitten for 05/28/2018 Mon, 28 May 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p></p><p>"The last P, well, that's not that simple<p>Updated: Mon May 28, 2018</p> 6818df168141035b5ed95ed050e80676 The Columnist's Cookbook for 05/21/2018 Mon, 21 May 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p>When readers send me emails, they often ask me for one of my favorite recipes.</p> <p>OK, so they don't.</p> <p>Usually when readers send me emails, they call me a "filthy communist," suggest that I move to another country, or sometimes offer to shoot me in case I'm too scared of guns to shoot myself.<p>Updated: Mon May 21, 2018</p> 01497c854df3549307b89a62968be9a4 Me and Cigars for 05/14/2018 Mon, 14 May 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I like a cigar every so often.</p> <p>I smoke Te-Amo cigars, a relatively cheap Mexican brand that the cigar reviewers says has an "earthy" flavor. They taste a little like dirt, is what they taste like, but cigar reviewers write in a style that begs to be read in a leather chair, so they're not gonna write "tastes like dirt."<p>Updated: Mon May 14, 2018</p> 65c4f09c840fde27e9c4506160589c53 The Dollar Store Saved Us for 05/07/2018 Mon, 07 May 2018 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>In the city where I live, we have 88,000 people, 17 dollar stores and a Walmart.</p> <p>This why North Korea backed down.<p>Updated: Mon May 07, 2018</p>