Tales From the Front by Cheryl Lavin

Denial, as they say, is not just a river in Egypt. It's also a way to live with an alcoholic for over a decade and not admit it to yourself or anybody else ...

Kelly and Stu have been married for 15 years. They have two very young children — young enough that they still have to be strapped into car seats. Kelly says Stu is "a nice person." She says he loves her and their children. But she's divorcing him anyway.

It's a result of his alcohol addiction. "After all these years of marriage, I just recently faced and accepted what was going on."

Kelly says Stu is "a highly functioning alcoholic." He never gets sloppy drunk at a party and puts on a lampshade. He doesn't slur his words or fall down stairs. He doesn't drink at home or go to bars at night. He drinks at work.

"That was how he and his behavior flew under the radar for years. We were married in 1994, but it wasn't until mid-2008 that I finally confronted him."

Since that intervention, Kelly says Stu's attempts to stop drinking have been "half-hearted at best." He would quit and start, quit and start. "He was relapsing at least weekly. Does it even count as seeking recovery when you relapse every few days?"

Two months ago, Kelly threatened to kick Stu out of the house if he didn't stop drinking for good. Since then, he's been clean and sober. "He seems to be taking me and his recovery seriously, and his behavior is much improved."

But that isn't the whole problem. Financially, says Kelly, they're on the brink of collapse. Their medical bills are staggering from his two stints in rehab, his ongoing treatment, and the therapists they're both seeing for individual and marital counseling.

And Stu is no longer working.

"Did I mention he has a 16-year-old DUI on the books? Another instance of his bad judgment would put us over the edge."

And then there's Kelly's health. "I've been let down so many times that it's taken a toll on me. I'm on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. My blood pressure is way up, and I've lost a tremendous amount of weight. I can't sleep."

Despite everything, despite the fact that she now realizes that Stu would habitually drive drunk with the children in the car, she's willing to give their relationship another chance.

"I think that under all the anger, mistrust and betrayal, I might still love him. But I don't want to be married to him. It's too risky.

"We're still living together, despite the divorce, but there are certain rules he has to follow. He's forbidden to drive anywhere with the children. And there's absolutely zero tolerance for additional relapses. Enough is enough. One more, and he's out.

"Looking to the future, the only thing that I know for sure is that I won't ever be legally tied to him again. He's only one drink away from all the insanity happening all over again. If he wants to drive drunk and kill himself or, more sadly, someone else, it's on his head. I'm cautiously hoping that 2009 will be better than 2008."

What role have alcohol and drugs played in your relationship? Send your tale, along with your relationship questions and problems, to cheryllavin@aol.com.

Cheryl Lavin may be reached at cheryllavin@aol.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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