In the last column, we met Melanie whose mother-in-law holds her responsible for one son's disability, another son's chronic illness and even her husband Brian's broken ankle!
Melanie says until recently Brian has been neutral about his mother's behavior and opinions. "His opinion was she was just worried about the kids, and the criticism wasn't really directed at me. It was about them, and her concern for them. We had fights about it for years."
During their 30-year marriage, Melanie was and still is the primary caregiver for their disabled son. She also took care of their other sons while working part-time or full-time and keeping the household running while Brian built up his surgery practice.
There was only one thing she wouldn't do. And that's live anywhere near his family. "I didn't think I could deal with his mother and his nutty sister while I was being a wife and mother, taking care of our disabled son and then later handling our other son's chronic illness, which was diagnosed his senior year of high school. I got him into college by having him dictate his essays from his sick bed to me. While he will always have to take medication, he should be able to live a good, long life."
Funny how Brian's opinion about his mother has changed since his surgery. "He's none too happy about her opinion about the soda pop, which she made the mistake of sharing with him. And there were witnesses to her behavior toward me at his hospital, where he's well-respected.
Folks are asking questions.
"Her behavior never reflected on him before, but now it does. I don't think he ever realized how terribly she behaved toward me — or how it looked — because he just thought I was too sensitive about her. The truth is, she's mean and has to be the smartest person in the room. She loves to belittle anyone she deems unworthy. My husband now believes she's a crackpot!
"And she badmouthed our kids to him, as well, a big mistake since the kids have really come to our aid and he knows it. They didn't have to, and he's grateful and proud that they're such fine, responsible, loving young men. And I raised them, not her.
"I've tried not to fight with my husband about her no matter what for the last ten years or so. It wasn't worth us having problems, and I always thought it was just what she wanted — to cause trouble between us. I came to the realization that if I gave her enough rope, she would hang herself. And I think she finally has.
"I have no joy about that because I have tried to be a good person, even though my character, intellect, talent, parents, cooking, housekeeping and parenting skills have been called into question for the last 30 years. And I don't want my husband and his mother to be estranged."
Melanie says Brian hasn't decided whether or not to confront his mother. He's still in a cast and has physical therapy ahead of him.
"He's just not feeling great. I don't think he should do anything right now. He can decide what to do after he feels better."
Do you think your in-laws are trying to break up your relationship? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. And check out my new website askcheryl.net.
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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So he finally "saw the light" after Mommy let out her venom on him? Wow. What a prize.
Comment: #1
Posted by: JMM
Sun Apr 7, 2013 12:42 AM
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Truth: MIL is to be pitied, and always has been. I am glad that LW sees this and is not smugly finding joy at being vindicated.
Comment: #2
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Apr 7, 2013 7:09 AM
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Melanie has been handling this in the smartest possible way. Her husband is really late to the party, never really noticing the number that his family was doing on her. It is actually fortunate that he had this accident, and they came to where he worked to spill their venom, because co-workers never hold back an opinion, and in this case, it really supported Melanies position. I hope that when he is through with his therapy, he will man up and tell them off. I hope he does not get passive- aggressive about it, allowing them to continue to pick on Melanie. She needs to firmly insist that he put an end to their reign of terror.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Patty Bear
Sun Apr 7, 2013 4:39 PM
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I'm glad he is seeing the light. However, it is sad that he is more concerned about his co-workers' opinion of him than he is about his wife being bullied.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Madelyn
Mon Apr 8, 2013 1:00 PM
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Um. He's not "more concerned about his co-workers' opinion of him than he is about his wife being bullied."
He' seeing his mother's behavior for the first time through the eyes of people who are unbiased. His wife was not unbiased. He was caught between two women who loved him and trying to come up with an explanation that made sense to him intellectually. The friction between one's spouse and one's mother is so widely discussed that people almost come to expect it.
His mother wasn't bullying her --bullies are able to manipulate people because they have some sort of power over them. LW never gave her that power. LW has her husband and her kids, and her family's respect. Her MIL may have WANTED to bully her, but ends up now have l lost the battle for her son. Probably the grandsons, too. She is a pathetic creature who destroyed her own life, because she chose to believe the fictional drama she had created about her daughter-in-law.
Comment: #5
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Apr 8, 2013 6:56 PM
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Re: hedgehog: You seem to define bullying in terms of the results, while I define it in terms of the behavior and intent of the bullies.
In this instance they seem to think they have some power because they have never suffered any consequences of their behavior that they know anything about. This is not a case of tension between equals. Hubby should have told mom and sis to knock it off long ago. He's not an innocent in this. I hope he's man enough to do it now.
As for the sister and mother not helping or doing anything, with those two, LW is probably better off without that type of interference. BTW, MIL sounds like a horrible grandmother! The less the kids see of gramma and auntie, the better.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Madelyn
Tue Apr 9, 2013 9:59 PM
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I wonder if MIL was my school nurse. I can't remember her name because we all called her "The No Drink-a Pop Lady." She was supposed to give health lessons to the kids, but all her lessons had only one message: NO DRINK-A POP! She repeatedly showed a film where cartoon children would drink soda pop, turn all black, and then fall to the ground. And this will happen to YOU if you drink-a pop!
It was so bad that whenever we kids came into her office for illness, injury, or whatever, she had only one thing to say. She pointed her finger at you as her eyes lit up with fire, and she made the terrible accusation: YOU Drink-A Pop!!!!
I'm laughing as I write this, just thinking of her, but I would feel very sorry for any of her children who ever dared to dirnk soda pop, or their spouses for "allowing" it!
Comment: #7
Posted by: Samantha
Wed Apr 10, 2013 8:54 AM
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Re: Samantha--I used to joke that my doctor would tell me "no brown drinks" if I went to her with a sprained ankle.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Wed Apr 10, 2013 12:49 PM
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The thing is, Hedgehog; he should never have been "caught" between the two in the first place.
Marriage means spouse comes before Mummy. He should have told Mummy off a LONG time ago.
Comment: #9
Posted by: JMM
Thu Apr 11, 2013 2:58 PM
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This is not a case of tension between equals. Hubby should have told mom and sis to knock it off long ago.
***********
Why is it not a case of tension between equals? As I see it, Melanie had far more power over her life than her mother-in-law -- always did. Her husband wrote off and dismissed what his mother said; he didn't take it to heart and decide that Melanie was a poor housekeeper or to blame for the kid's disability or any of that. In one ear and out the other was all Mama's carping did.
Yes, it would have been nice had her husband stood up for her long before this; it certainly would have been more pleasant for Melanie. But Melanie herself decided that wasn't "necessary" in order to remain with him. Another woman might not have had the foresight she did, to recognize that her husband did not take seriously his mother's complaints, and that her buzzing was merely annoying, like a gnat, rather than debilitating, like a rattlesnake.
I think Melanie was wise. Maybe because she understood that life with kids' health issues is stressful enough that it often demolishes marriages; fighting about what he "should" do would have added another layer of tension between the two of them.
And Madelyn, I absolutely agree that they were better off without MIL or auntie "helping." Melanie may have wished for in-laws who COULD help, but she had in-laws who would ultimately have been more trouble "helping" than it was worth. So you could flip this around and say it only added to the power Melanie had in the relationship, much as it felt burdensome at the time -- she was not beholden to them or having to babysit in-laws who told any and all how very incompetent Melanie was, and Lord only knows what would have happened to her poor children if the in-laws hadn't been so helpful.
.
Comment: #10
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Apr 15, 2013 12:07 PM
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In this instance they seem to think they have some power because they have never suffered any consequences of their behavior that they know anything about.
************
Really? Did their beloved boy divorce this incompetent wife? How 'bout the kids -- did they turn against their mom? Who -- besides themselves -- has validated their claims?
It doesn't matter if someone deluded THINKS they have power over you, if they have none. It's quite a different situation from someone who does have the power to sway the opinions of people you love or work with.
There's wisdom in knowing when someone is "talking like a silly sausage" -- as my kids used to say -- and when someone is actively able to endanger you:when to react and when to let it roll off your back.
Melanie recognized her MIL's ineffectiveness and made a conscious choice NOT to react in a way that would give her MIL more power. Her refusal to engage may have made her MIL think she was "winning" -- but we see in this column how much MIL lost because of her huge miscalculation.
Comment: #11
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Apr 15, 2013 7:19 PM
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