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How Far Can a Friend Go?
We recently heard from AM I TOO CYNICAL, whose lonely friend was about to marry a foreigner she'd met on the Internet two weeks before. She asked her to wait, but her friend refuses.
I suggested she tell her friend it would be wise to hire an attorney to make sure her assets are protected. Here's what you had to say ...
R.A. Forget the attorney. Hire a private investigator.
PUAHONE: There is nothing that you can do to stop her, so just congratulate her and hope for the best. And no "I told you so's" if or when it doesn't work out.
NANCHAN: Normal people don't get married after two weeks. This sounds like a scam to me.
MICHELLE: Your friend may not be as in love as she's saying. She could be helping this man get his green card by marrying him. Seeing as that could end in a jail sentence, they could be putting on the lovey-dovey act for immigration investigators who may come round to friends and family.
This story made me think of an episode of "Blue Bloods." A young woman who was overweight and average-looking was marrying a really, really handsome guy. Her father objected and tried everything he could to keep them from getting married before the man's student visa expired thinking that he only wanted to take advantage of her. In the end they actually got married.
Later she admits she knows he doesn't love her romantically but as a true friend. She married him because he's gay and would be murdered by his family if he returned home.
I know it's just fiction, but it's based on real-life scenarios.
LISA: I love that show and remember the episode. I think the primary difference is that on the show, the man and woman in question had actually known each other for quite some time and really were friends. Here, these two people have only known each other for a few weeks.
Still, at the end of the day, there's not much a friend can do. Sure, she can hire a detective, but if the woman really is that infatuated and lonely, she'll spend far more time and energy being angry at her friend for hiring the detective than she will on evaluating any incriminating evidence the detective unearths.
LORI: This screams green card to me or an abuser who rushes his victims into a commitment. Keep close to her and this guy. Engage him. Ask him questions with your friend present. Ask for details about his job, the company that employs him, the country he's from, does he see himself living here permanently or does he want to take his wife to live overseas?
Ask about his family, their names, where they live. Ask him when his birthday is so you can mark it on your calendar. Ask you friend his age. Tell your friend you are there for her if she changes her mind about this guy at any time.
Do you always have to be "on" in a relationship? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to email@example.com. And check out my new ebook, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front."
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