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Nice Guy Gets Ignored


Today, most men understand that no means no. But where it gets tricky is that sometimes yes means no, too.

RYAN: In college, I escorted a young woman who'd had too much to drink to her dorm room. She was intoxicated to the point of almost passing out, and I was considered a nice guy and safe.

After maneuvering her unsteadily across campus, I sat her on her bed. As I turned to leave I was jerked back by the arm, landed on top of her and was the recipient of the most forceful, face-sucking lip-lock I'd ever experienced.

After about a minute of rolling around on the sheets, I realized that I couldn't follow through with a woman who was too drunk to know her own name, much less mine. I got up to leave and this time she was unconscious before I reached the door.

I did the correct and responsible thing. Right? Well, here's the kicker. From that day forward, the young woman, who had been a casual friend, never spoke another word to me. She would literally cross the street when she saw me coming. After 30 years, I still wish someone with two X chromosomes would explain that to me.

(Ryan: She was embarrassed — for good reason — by her actions and chose to deal with it by ignoring you — instead of thanking you, which would have been the classy thing to do. Or maybe she didn't remember. In any case, you were a gentleman and that should make you feel good! — Cheryl)

ANDERSON: I was dating a girl who had just turned 21; I was 25.

We had been seeing each other for about a month, and there were times when I spent the night on her couch because I was too intoxicated to walk home. Then, one night after a nice dinner, red wine and a walk on the beach, she jumped on me as soon as we got to her place and said, "Let's go to the bedroom."

We started kissing and all that good stuff, and what do you know? We were both nearly naked! Two minutes into it, she says, "Stop, get off of me." I did. I woke up the next day with her basically accusing me of violating her. I was in disbelief. I told her that she was the one who initiated the sexual contact.

She said, "Yes, I know, but this is how I feel now." You can't ask a man to play by one set of rules and then change the rules in the middle. I didn't allow this to carry over to other relationships or embitter me toward other women, unlike how some women paint all men with a broad brush.

EMILY: Any woman who plans to drink and be around men needs to have a backup plan in case she gets too drunk. In college, I had a friend who would sometimes be the designated sober one. She made sure we both made it back to our dorms OK. One time I did get really drunk, and we both went back to this guy's room. Thank God for my buddy. She got us out of there and there were no regrets the next day.

Does no always mean no? Send your tale, along with your questions and problems to And check out my new ebook, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front."



1 Comments | Post Comment
LW1 (Ryan) - Who knows. If she was that drunk she may have convinced herself that you're the one who tried initiating sex, and view herself as a "survivor" of "attempted rape." Or she may have been mortified to look back at her drunken behavior, as the columnist suggests. Or she may have been exaggerating how drunk she was, in order to try to seduce you, and felt rejected. The least likely explanation is that she "forgot." Whatever was going on in her alcohol-addled brain, count your blessings that she's out of your life, because women who behave in the way she did are nothing but trouble to both men and to their female friends.
Comment: #1
Posted by: sarah morrow
Thu Nov 26, 2015 8:01 AM
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