Q: Some of the kids in my classroom seem so bent on being right, whether with peers, teachers and/or family, that they forget to be happy. How do we help them find balance? Also, how can you encourage children to take academic risks when they're scared to be wrong and never think their ideas are good enough?

A: Perfectionism can become a serious problem for gifted children. The early praise children receive when they use extraordinarily advanced language or are unusually good at numbers, music or art can be internalized as extreme pressure to be right or perfect. Mistakes feel threatening. They fear they're not as smart as everyone says they are and happiness for these children is often tied to "est" words (superlatives) such as best, smartest, prettiest, best athlete or artist, etc. Friends and family use these "est" words liberally and assume they'll build children's self-confidence, but children feel them as parent expectations and try to meet them. Soon being perfect, best and right become part of their persona and mistakes or wrong assumptions make them feel sad and dumb.

Parents and teachers need to downplay the super praise. Casual praise that emphasizes perseverance, hard work, critical thinking, kindness and cooperation helps kids feel good when they're accomplishing and collaborating and reduces the pressure children feel. Parents and teachers who willingly admit their own mistakes are good role models on reducing perfectionism. Here are some other suggestions from my newsletter on perfectionism.

1. Help kids to understand they can feel satisfied when they've done their best; not necessarily the best.

2. Explain to children they may not be learning if all of their work in school is perfect. Help them understand that mistakes are an important part of challenge.

3. Teach appropriate self-evaluation and encourage children to learn to accept criticism from adults and other students. Explain that they can learn from the recommendations of others.

4. Read biographies together that demonstrate how successful people experienced and learned from failures. Emphasize their failure and rejection experiences, as well as their successes. Help children to identify with the feelings of those eminent persons and imagine how they must have felt when they experienced their rejections.

5. Share your own mistakes and model the lessons you learned from your mistakes. Talk to yourself aloud about learning from your mistakes so children understand your thinking.

6. Humor helps perfectionists. Help children to laugh at their own mistakes.

7. Teach children empathy and how bragging affects others. Help them to put themselves in the position of others by saying, "Suppose you messed up on your piano recital and Jennifer, the winner, told you that she had her best performance ever. How would you feel?"

8. Show children how to congratulate others on their successes. They'll feel they're coping better as they congratulate others.

9. Teach children creative problem-solving strategies and how to brainstorm for ideas, which will keep their self-criticism from interfering with their productivity.

10. Explain to children there's more than one correct way to do most everything.

11. Be a role model of healthy excellence. Take pride in the quality of your work, but don't hide your mistakes or criticize yourself constantly. Congratulate yourself when you've done a good job, and let your children know that your own accomplishments give you satisfaction. Don't overwork. You too need to have some fun and relaxation.

12. If your child's perfectionism is preventing accomplishment, or if your child shows symptoms of anxiety related to perfectionism such as stomachaches, headaches or eating disorders, get professional psychological help for your child and your family.

For a free newsletter about perfectionism, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.