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Husband Doesn't Like Kissing

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Dear John: I found out recently that my husband of 12 months isn't all that turned on by kissing. This isn't about bad breath because we've discussed that. I felt his kisses were a bit reserved while we were dating, but I thought over time they would become more passionate as we got closer and closer in our relationship. When that didn't happen, I started telling him what I wanted and asking him why he wouldn't kiss me passionately. I get little pecks from him, nothing more. As a result, we don't ever just make out, something that I really miss from past relationships.

I have even tried to gently suggest ways we could improve our kissing. He tries for a little while, but then he goes back to his old ways of short little pecks that leave me, well, rather uninspired. Lately I've been fantasizing about kissing other men because I miss it so much. I don't fantasize about people I know, but celebrities instead or I make up a phantom guy in my mind because it feels safe. But now I'm getting worried that I might act on my fantasies. I love my husband. I'm not sure how to deal with this anymore. And I don't want to do something stupid that will jeopardize our marriage. How do I talk to my husband about this when he seems so unwilling? And if everything else in our relationship is really good, am I making too much of this one thing that's missing? —Kissless, in Boulder, Colo.

Dear Kissless: As long as you don't act on your fantasies, you won't jeopardize your marriage. Consider this: Many men emulate their role models. It is possible that in the home your husband was raised, his parents were not demonstrative in their affections for each other or their children. From what you described, I'd say you're on the right track.

To show him that your passion play can be innovative, fun and exciting for him, play a "mirror game," in which he mirrors what you do to him. Try to engage all of his senses: touch, taste, smell, hearing and seeing. Be playful with your tongue and respond when he is playful with his. By introducing him to new ways of kissing, you'll see that it's never too late to be a better lover.

Dear John: My fiance's proposal came with one of the gaudiest engagement rings I've ever seen. He had designed it himself, with the help of a jeweler who must have laughed all the way to the bank. When people ask to see the ring, their reaction is a gulp. I feel as if I'm lugging around a bowling ball. Since it was custom-made, there's no way I can return it. And, of course, I don't want to hurt my fiance's feelings. —Gold Cross to Bear, in San Antonio, Tex.

Dear Gold: A strong marriage is based upon the freedom to speak your mind and follow your heart. If you are not free to share your feelings with your partner, you will eventually grow to resent him.

When breaking the news to him, remember that it's not what you say, but how you say it. Here's one way to broach the subject: "Honey, you know that I love and cherish you, and I know you have the biggest heart in the whole world. But I have something to say that I'm afraid may hurt your feelings." A diamond might be forever, but the setting into which it is put doesn't have to be. While he may be initially upset, once he hears what you have to say, he will no doubt understand that it's very important that both of you are happy with the ring, and he will allow you to make it your own.

2012 John Gray's Mars Venus Advice. Distributed by Creators Syndicate. John Gray is the author of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus." If you have a question, write John in care of this newspaper, or by email at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous, and will be paraphrased.

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Comments

6 Comments | Post Comment
LW2: I like John's suggestion to have the stone remounted, although 1) it WILL hurt your fiance's feelings (but you're the one who has to look at it all day); and 2) it's possible the stone is the truly hideous component. If the metal is of good quality, and the money is there, the setting can be recast, so it's still the ring he gave you, in a sense. This will not be cheap. And even if you think the ring is awful, someone - somewhere - will think it's beautiful and someone is sure to buy it.


The bigger concern is that people whose taste is this far apart may go to battle later over buying and decorating the house, or how to dress the kids. Have an honest talk about why this is important to you. I'm not a snob, and I live simply. I prefer things of plain design made from high quality materials, for myself. But I spend a LOT of time studying design, form, and function, because I work as a designer. It would be hard for me to live with a man who expected me to yield and surround myself with things I find ugly. That's just me; aesthetics are that important to me. A man who has bad taste but doesn't mind acquiescing I would have no problem with.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Carla
Sun Dec 16, 2012 11:30 AM
LW1: Why did you marry him? Please don't say you're one of those morons who thought marriage is a magical thing that changes people into something else. LOL Sex must be really fun in your house. LMAO You married him knowing he was like this and now you want him to change. He's not the problem - you are.

LW2: If you don't want to hurt his feelings then you should continue lying to him about how you feel. You should never be honest or have open communication with your partner. Oh, and by the way, why are you marrying a guy you can't talk to? Are you just a dishonest person who needs everyone to like her because you have no self-esteem? Is marriage a goal and you don't care who you marry to reach it? You need a good therapist.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Diana
Sun Dec 16, 2012 12:48 PM
I've heard a lot of women complain about this kissing thing and no one seems to know the reason why a lot of men, especially older ones, don't like to make out. I'm guessing here, but I think that men in general are not as sensory as women. I'd like to know if anybody has another theory. I don't think John Gray is even close.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Danielle
Mon Dec 17, 2012 10:40 AM
LW1- I have to wonder if maybe the reason your hubby doesn't like to kiss is because you're not a good kisser? It's easier for him to say "honey, I'm just not that into kissing" then it is to tell you the truth and risk hurting your feelings regarding such a deeply intimate subject. My guess is that's probably the reason. Been there done that. (When are people going to learn that a kiss is not supposed to involve putting your ENTIRE tongue into the other person's mouth? Gross!)

LW2- that's rough, your fiance is probably all proud of himself thinking he did such a great job and the reality is just the opposite. Ask yourself the following question "Can I learn to love this ring?" Think long and hard before you answer. If the answer is still no then I think you have to bite the bullet and tell your fiance something like "I appreciate all the thought and effort you put into designing the ring. Really, I do. It's sweet and romantic and so thoughtful. But, I'm just not comfortable wearing something this ostentatious. Could we maybe go back to the jeweler and pick out a simpler setting?" He will probably still be hurt but if you do it sweetly and carefully, hopefully you can minimize the damage to his ego. I would love to see a man's perspective on this one. Any guys want to chime in? Am I off base? Would you understand?
Comment: #4
Posted by: Keebler
Mon Dec 17, 2012 5:53 PM
Keebler, interesting point about kissing skill. However, I have heard from so many women through the years that their hubbies only like to kiss a little and then get down to the other parts rather quickly. Women, on the other hand, seem to enjoy making out longer because they seem to derive more pleasure from it.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Danielle
Tue Dec 18, 2012 7:01 AM
I believe John Gray is totally on the rigaht track, my husband has never liked to kiss and he comes from a family that is never 'physically' affectionate, but over the past 15 years and after having twins, who constantly say
'i love you', I have broken him into affection. He just needed to be retrained. So, the short answer is, some men come from families that are not overly affectionate but men in general tend not to be
sensory beings......while women naturally are, so its not that abnormal. Good luck.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Amytoo
Tue Sep 10, 2013 6:45 PM
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