Margo: I have been happily married for 20 years. However, my wife treats me as if I were her girlfriend. She has several friends she gets together with on a regular basis. When she's with them, she never talks about herself or her fears and anxieties. Her friends do all the talking and she just listens.

I get to hear all of my wife's concerns, plus all of her friends'. I am sympathetic to a degree, but, of course, I give her a man's perspective on these insecurities. This gets me labeled "insensitive." When I suggest that she share her concerns with her girlfriends to get a female perspective, she says I don't care and that they wouldn't be interested.

I do care, but I can't think like a woman, and I get the feeling that's what she wants from me. I tell her that her friends would care, but this falls on deaf ears. Lately I have been blunt on this subject, but this just reinforces her feeling that I'm insensitive.

What can I do to convince her I'm not her girlfriend and encourage her to open up to her friends? — Perplexed

Dear Perp: This is a new one: a woman who is not up for sharing with the girls, but will listen to all their woes. I cannot tell you why she doesn't feel able to participate, but it is clear she doesn't.

Accepting that, tell her you are happy to try to help her with whatever comes up, but you feel handicapped because, being a man, you cannot see things from a woman's point of view. Perhaps she just wants you to listen.

I don't think it's that she thinks of you as a girlfriend so much as she is insecure about bringing her concerns to her women friends. Work with it. — Margo, pragmatically

Give It Some Time, Chill Out, and Maybe Buy a Hammer

Hi, Margo: I'm a 22-year-old woman who's lonely. It's hard for me to make friends because I'm very shy. I recently lost 50 pounds, so I'm a little less shy. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted a family of my own. I have to do it in order, of course, but so far, finding Mr. Right has proven difficult.

My mom asked me not long ago if I ever considered that I wouldn't marry and would just have children on my own without a husband/father. I find this idea unthinkable. I have a very strong desire for companionship, and I don't want children without having a husband first. I just don't know what to do about the whole friends/partner issue. — Lonely in California

Dear Lone: You are too young to try and figure all this out now. With time, you will know how strong your maternal desire is, and you will hear your biological clock ticking. In the meantime, spend some volunteer time as a Big Sister, or helping in a nursery school, in order to spend time with youngsters.

Your idea (having two parents) I think is preferable if one is given a choice. Sometimes, however, things don't work out, and I know of single parenthood situations that are very rewarding.

As for making friends, work on your shyness and just be open to other people. I know it sounds corny, but the best way to have a friend is to be a friend. And someone just passed on to me a gambit he said works: Be in a hardware store on a Friday night, and you will find some good candidates! — Margo, strategically

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.