Dear Margo: When I was a teenager, my father cheated on my mother with his best friend's wife (a close friend of my mother, or so my mother thought). Needless to say, my parents are now divorced. After leaving our family, my father neglected to stay in contact with us — despite the fact that he lived a few blocks away — and I have not spoken to him in 12 years. Oddly enough, he sent my sisters and me a Christmas card this year and enclosed his telephone number. What is he trying to do? What is his motivation? I have long since dismissed my father from my life and find myself apathetic to the entire situation. I would like to continue living my life as I have been. Is this normal? What would you do in my place? — Estranged and Comfortable with It

Dear Es: In answer to your question about what your father is trying to do and what his motivation might be, I think the answer is quite simple: He is trying to get you to call him. I would guess he is (correctly) afraid of the reception he would receive if he called you. He has put the ball in your court, and if I were you I would leave it there. You made a decision a dozen years ago and you have lived with it comfortably. I think a father living a few blocks from his children who makes no effort to have a relationship with them is a deserving candidate for the indifference you and your sisters have showered on him since he made his new life. Not everyone agrees with me, but I have long been in favor of estrangements when they make your life better. Blood relatives are given to us by DNA. Period. I support doing what improves your life, whether it's being estranged or making a repair. That is up to each person to decide — and nothing I would let outsiders have a say in. — Margo, unswervingly

And Baby Makes Two

Dear Margo: I am a graduate student and have three years of school left before I get my degree, but I cannot stop thinking about having kids. I know that I have plenty of time, but I don't know how I can wait much longer. I just got out of a serious relationship and am not interested in looking for another one. I just want to have kids. My own father was absent most of my childhood, and I do not see any benefit to waiting around for the right guy. I believe single mothers are fully capable of raising healthy and confident children. Please help me decide what I should do. — Baby Crazy

Dear Babe: I, too, believe that single mothers are capable of raising healthy and confident children. But I also get the idea from your letter that you are obsessing about motherhood in a way that doesn't seem entirely integrated. There is no biological clock ticking, you probably have very negative feelings about the newly broken romance, you would be mixing scholarship and a new baby when there is no need to do so, and ... the fact that you had an absent father may be coloring your thinking about the importance of one. As I said, a single mother (or father) can do just fine, but to have two parents is the better situation for everyone involved. I would hope that you give yourself some time before deciding on any course of action, and perhaps talk over your feelings — about everything — with a mental health professional. — Margo, maternally

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.