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Be Well
This will be my last column as Dear Margo. I have been giving advice for 15 years — first as Dear Prudence and then under my own name. I have been writing for newspapers for 45 years. The time feels right to retire from deadline journalism. I …Read more.
When Things Don't Look Quite Right
Dear Margo: I'm 60, and my boyfriend is a few years younger. He recently moved in with me. His job requires him to meet with people after their workday. I know he really is doing this on some nights, because I have seen people enter his workplace. …Read more.
Play It as It Lays
Dear Margo: My boyfriend (of more than three and a half years) and I are at a crossroads in our lives. We're both in a master's program, and up until now we've been very serious and committed to our relationship. However, last week he brought up …Read more.
Unwarranted Guilt
Dear Margo: I am married with two almost-teenagers. We aren't rich, but we're comfortable. I have a cousin who has two children. One is near my children's age. This one has spent summers with us for years, and we have taken him on almost every …Read more.
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Love, Family and Prejudice
Dear Margo: I'm a not very religious Muslim who fell in love with a man who is Christian. We're planning to be married in a few months in a nonreligious ceremony. My immediate (conservative Muslim) family is upset about this to varying degrees. While my dad hasn't spoken to me since I broke the news, my sisters are kind of distant but basically polite, and my mom is the most warm and normal with me — until I bring up the subject of my fiance or our upcoming wedding. Then she becomes visibly uncomfortable and tries to shut me down by saying, "I don't know yet if I'm coming." My sisters have made it clear they will not be coming.
I've tried to take the high road with my family because I know they have a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm not very religious, and in their eyes, I am doing something they believe is a sin. Even though we live in the same city, I haven't been visiting much except for events like birthdays. It's becoming more and more hurtful that I can't talk about the important things in my life — and that they've never met my fiance. On top of it all, my mom talks constantly about my younger sister's upcoming wedding — a month before mine and to a good Muslim boy. My mom says I haven't given them enough time to process it, but they've known about it for almost a year.
Should I insist that they accept me and my fiance for who we are, or stop visiting completely if they won't allow him to come, too? Is it worth it to continue some semblance of a relationship because they're my immediate family and I still love them? For what it's worth, my fiance's immediate and extended families and all of our friends are very happy for us. — Tired and Hurt
Dear Tired: You are living the modern version of families who used to be frantic about interfaith and interracial marriages. It is entirely a judgment call — yours — about whether to see your family if your soon-to-be husband is not welcome. I think your family will be the losers in the long run, but they are not writing to me. The good news is that your fiance's family, along with your friends, share in your joy, and I suspect your family's intransigence will solidify the distance you are experiencing now. I offer you a favorite saying of mine: Life is choices. Best wishes on your forthcoming marriage. — Margo, acceptingly
Kneeing Romance?
Dear Margo: Getting down on one knee and proposing strikes me as really old-fashioned, if not silly. Isn't that decision pretty well settled before this display? I can't imagine the couple hasn't decided that they would marry prior to this minuet. I am trying to imagine a guy getting down on one knee, sometimes in public, and the woman saying "no." Many wedding stories in newspapers describe where and when the prospective bridegroom got down on one knee. Am I nuts or just not a romantic? — Trisha
Dear Trish: You have found a friend in me, dear. I find it a sweet but silly anachronism. The history of getting down on bended knee has to do with religion, royalty and surrender. Make whatever associations you will. To tell you the truth, I remember only two of the proposals I accepted, and no one got down on one knee. I do know of a long-married couple, however, where the husband got down on one knee — in public — to present his longtime wife with a new diamond, and she feared he was having a heart attack and screamed, "Get a doctor!" — Margo, empirically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2013 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM 
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Comments
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16 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: You are marrying a man your family can't accept and yet still complaining about it. Marry someone they approve of and you won't have to choose between love and family. Marry this guy, and you already know better than to expect anything but what you are getting. They might give in a little when you start having children, but don't count on it. Is he worth it? That's your decision to make. Your family has made their position clear.
Comment: #1
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Fri Apr 19, 2013 9:22 PM
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Sorry, but your family is a bunch of racist bigots. There is no way to put sugar on it. They will never accept your husband or your future children (who will always be treated as second-class citizens to your sister's future children, if they are acknoledged at all), and it's very unlikely they will ever come to treat you as more than a polite stranger. Very likely, they are waiting for you to "come to your senses" and abandon your intentions of marrying this man. If you go through with it, your shunning will get worse, not better. As Louisa said, you have to decide whether this man is worth it, because the price you pay for this marriage will be your family. Whether a family of racist bigots is worth giving him up for--only you can decide what price you're willing to pay either way. But your dream that you can have your cake and eat it too--your husband and a close relationship with your family--is just that: a dream.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jane
Fri Apr 19, 2013 11:55 PM
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LW1--Your family are the type of religious zealots who really piss me off. It's your life; not your fathers, your sisters' or your mother's. IT'S YOURS! What sounds more palatable to you: a lifetime with a man whom you truly love and who loves you or waiting for a conservative Muslim man who views you as little more than his personal property? While you're not going to get anywhere by issuing ultimatums or trying to force your family to accept your choices you can firmly stand your ground! Inform your family that while you respect their religion and their beliefs, you're not going to allow them to rule your life by their book or chosen beliefs. Tell them you're sorry that they're going to miss your wedding and also a rich relationship with you, your husband and your future children. Then let them make their own choice while you go on with your life guilt free.
LW2--If this is the type of question you spend your time and energy pondering then I have to wonder about your maturity and degree of sophistication. How or where a man proposes is a personal choice that has been influenced since time immemorial by tradition, myths and popular literature. The short of it, however, is that it doesn't matter how a man proposes as long as you're secure in your convictions one way or the other whether to accept or decline the proposal. Try pondering that.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Chris
Sat Apr 20, 2013 4:31 AM
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For anybody who is interested...
Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women as long as they are Christian or Jewish, because Judaism, Christianity and Islam are all considered Abrahamic religions who all worship the same God by different names, Judaism being at the basis of the other two.
Muslim MEN, that is, because when it comes to women, the interdiction is about ALL non-Muslim men, because women are considered "somewhat weak and emotional by nature" *, and expected to eventually convert to their husband's religion rather than the other way around.
Interesting, considering Islam also states black on white that men and women are supposed to be equal in all things...
* For the exact suras, please go to http: / / qa.sunnipath.com / issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=2267&CATE=10 (the usual routine, take out the spaces).
Comment: #4
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Apr 20, 2013 9:28 AM
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LW1: I agree with Margo and with Jane. You have found a wonderful man to love, and his family and your friends are very supportive. Your family will either grow to accept him or they will not, but you are your own person. Follow your heart. Congratulations and best wishes for a bright future.
Comment: #5
Posted by: PuaHone
Sat Apr 20, 2013 2:41 PM
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Most Americans do not understand how clear traditional Islam is on this subject. First, you are "not very religious", and it is totally not acceptable for a Muslim woman to marry an infidel. if you were in the Middle East, not only would your family totally reject the idea, but you could find yourself in danger of a slit throat. (That happens in the US now and then, too, and the male relatives often do not understand why they get arrested.) If you were to convert to your husband's religion, that is apostacy, also a death penalty. if your family is religious, you are shaming them, and could be in danger from any male relative. My inlaws are Middle Eastern, and I have learned a fair amount about the culture. (My inlaws are historic Christians, but they've seen these things happen. The son of an American friend of mine married a Lebanese Muslim girl, and it was not easy.They are now divorced, and I heard from her former MIL that she is married to a Muslim man and never sees her former friends.) I know that your choices are not easy, and you may have to totally break with your own family and possibly move away.
Comment: #6
Posted by: partsmom
Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:38 PM
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For "Tired and Hurt" -- I'd suggest giving yourself a break from the attempts at communication with your family for a few months. If you're confident that you've made your desires clear to them (they don't have to approve, or understand, but you'd like them to be accepting and welcoming of you/your fiance/your future together, correct?), then for the time being, just let your efforts relax, and stop. See what happens when the ball is in their court. You may decide that having one-way contact (email updated from you to them, for instance), will be the best you can hope for. Congratulations, and best of luck!
Comment: #7
Posted by: deb
Mon Apr 22, 2013 8:33 AM
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Lise that is the most informative response I've ever seen in a comment section to an advice article. You really did your research. We are all smarter for reading it.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Chris McCoy
Mon Apr 22, 2013 9:19 AM
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LW1 -- I believe you are getting good advice here. So the only thing I have to add is actually a note to Margo -- we may want to pretend/believe that most people are "more enlightened" about interfaith and interracial marriages, but the fact of the matter is, there are still LOTS of people out there who would be upset by an interfaith and interracial marriage. Your referring to LW1's situation as the "modern version of families who used to be frantic about interfaith and interracial marriages," suggests that this hardly ever happens any more, or that Muslims are the only ones who get up in arms about this. While our society is becoming increasingly tolerant and accepting, there are still many people out there who are not, and it's not just "those crazy Muslims" who feel that way.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Lisa
Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:18 PM
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LW2 -- know what's even more silly than a man getting down on bended knee to propose? Writing in to an advice columnist about it. Seriously. If this is the biggest issue in your life, the most burning question in your head, then I want your life. Oh, wait, but then I would be running around worrying about stuff that doesn't matter. Never mind.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lisa
Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:21 PM
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@Lise -- I left you a couple of responses on the previous Margo thread.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lisa
Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:22 PM
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Re: Chris McCoy
Thank you. I did look up the exact suras so I could supply the url, but I did know what to look for, because the ex LOML is Muslim, and this is one of the many things we discussed.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:44 PM
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Carry a gun and don't go anywhere alone with any member of your family. You don't want to be a victim of an honor killing.
Comment: #13
Posted by: nonegiven
Tue Apr 23, 2013 8:15 AM
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LW!: It's worth remembering, I think, that racist bigotry is almost ALWAYS rooted in fear, and in this case, it's a fear that this marriage is a step in renouncing your roots and making time with them less of a priority than if you'd married someone of the same background. (There's probably also some of the usual fear for your immortal soul mixed in there, too, but it's less a factor than your assimilation away from them.)
So they try to influence your decision by making your life difficult -- that's textbook. Sadly, in doing so, such families are often becoming part of a self-fulfilling prophecy -- it's practically an engraved invitation to retaliate by cutting them off as "toxic." Important to note, though, that this is NOT because the person is gravitating toward another [religion, culture, lifestyle], but pushing AWAY from the controlling behavior.
This isn't easy to navigate, as LW and every other pioneer facing prejudice well knows.
I do think it's possible to return hate with love and that this will make it easier for the LW's parents to back down at some point in the future (perhaps for grandchildren, as Margo surmised). Some people do progress beyond their background when faced with unrelenting love and understanding -- they begin to realize how ridiculous they look, and question the doctrine that has led them to believe that "all X are bad."
It is not, however, a guarantee, and she needs to recognize that going in. Nor is this a decision she should make on her own, as it does involve her fiance! Together, the two of them need to decide what kind of an approach they want to take, not because of the expected outcome, but because of knowing what they can each live with, internally. And to be prepared to rethink it again as time goes by and there are the normal trials and tribulations every family undergoes: graduations, engagements, weddings, childbirth, serious illness or accidents, job loss, cross-country moves, a parent's declining health, funerals -- because those kind of events tend to make people more reflective.
Comment: #14
Posted by: hedgehog
Wed Apr 24, 2013 10:57 AM
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LW1: Well at least they didn't kill you but of course they still might and probably on your wedding day. LOL At any rate they are not going to change for you and they are threatened by your behavior. I get they're blood but you don't need them. Think about it.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Diana
Wed Apr 24, 2013 7:27 PM
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@Jane and Hedgehog - I really disagree with this being called "racist". Racism is a completely unnatural hate of someone only because they look different from you. Hating people of other RELIGIONS is pretty much prescribed by the religious texts the followers wholeheartedly believe. If a woman truly believes and follows the Q'ran, surely she would not like or trust someone who believes every word of the bible, that is to be expected. It's only possible for the open-minded and less religious (translation: do not believe and follow every single word) to have deep relationships with people of other faiths. If this woman can truly love a Christian man, then she is only interested in Muslim teachings as a curiosity (which is the way all people should treat all religions anyway), and I don't see how her truly devout Muslim family is ever going to "come around". It's not the same as slowly getting to know someone of a different race, and realizing that they are actually the same underneath.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Steve C
Sun Apr 28, 2013 5:21 PM
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