Dear Margo: My husband fell into a new job that pays very well, but he's never home anymore. I was OK with this for his first year and a half on the job, but we've decided to try for a baby soon.

I've expressed my desire for him to find a job that allows him to come home every night so we can raise a baby together, but he refuses to leave the money behind.

I've budgeted for a huge pay cut in the event he was to find a new job. Unfortunately, he believes that any pay cut would render us poor, even though I control the checkbook and know that wouldn't happen.

I am led to believe that he's using the "poor" speech as a red herring. I believe he wants to stay at the job he has because he can buy whatever he wants! In the meantime, I'm living the life of what I can only imagine is a widow.

I just want my husband to know that we can be happy without a huge paycheck and that I really need him to come home! How can I convince my husband that money doesn't buy happiness? — Rich and Lonely

Dear Rich: People don't usually "fall" into high-paying jobs; they work their way up to them. I am guessing your husband is ambitious, while you are interested in more togetherness and a less high-powered career.

This is a rather basic disagreement. Some men are driven to achieve material success, and unless it is his choice to live a simpler life in exchange for more time with you, it won't work.

So . . . the undertaking for you is to figure out whether you married the wrong man for the kind of life you wish to lead, or if you can develop your inner resources so the time you have on your own becomes fulfilling. This will take some soul searching. Good luck. — Margo, probingly

The First Romance After a Marriage

Hi: I recently began dating a man (two months ago) who is going through a divorce. I met him online through the personals. His 25-year marriage is ending because his wife had an affair and fell in love with a family friend. She has left him.

He is absolutely wonderful, kind, funny, compassionate and honest. Everyone has warned me to be careful since I might be a rebound relationship. It was like a roller coaster in the beginning when he was courting me heavily, wanting every free moment with me, calling, e-mailing, texting, making plans for the future, even implying marriage.

It seemed too good to be true and I tried to hold my emotions in check, but I couldn't help myself and became emotionally attached. Now, while he tells me he wants to continue seeing me, he has become more distant, telling me that he's numb from all these huge changes.

He isn't calling me as much or sending me those loving e-mails. My friends say I should just chill and be very patient with him; don't put any pressure on him. So I am wondering, what's the prognosis for such a relationship? Can my patience, love and kindness win out over the long run? We are both over 50. — Wondering in California

Dear Won: There is an old adage that the first romance after a break-up does not have staying power. Like many old sayings, this one is not always correct. This man's full-court press probably started to scare him, and you began to seem like the fire, with him residing in the frying pan.

Your friends are right, however. Let him make all the moves so that he does not feel pressured. It will probably take him some more time, and perhaps dating other people, to figure out his feelings. You really shouldn't want it any other way.

And because you have no commitment, do comport yourself as a single woman who is available to meet different men. — Margo, philosophically

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.