Dear Margo: I am 23 years old with two small children. My husband and I have been together for five years. He works out of town most of the week and our time together isn't exactly romantic. Real life is bills and stress, so the loving relationship I want us to have goes out the window. An old romance contacted me and we started talking. Each day that we talked, more and more was discussed. Eventually we both acknowledged our feelings and said "I love you" to each other. It was long distance so there was nothing physical. It was merely a phone relationship. Then he called it off in a rather mean and hurtful way, saying cruel things about a very confused message I sent him. I am feeling heartbroken and guilty. I have a great husband, yet this person invades my thoughts. Should I forget the past and let go? — Fixated

Dear Fix: I think what happened was that your phone friend offered you a fantasy to focus on. Life is tough with two little kids and a traveling husband. I suspect your old beau started to feel he was getting in too deep and broke it off in a ham-handed and cruel way. Thankfully, it was only a telephone "relationship," so no harm done — except to your ego. Let this be a cheap lesson that your energies need to be refocused on your marriage and your children. Things move, things change, and you can make your routine better. Hate to sound like a fortune cookie, but marriage, like life, takes work. — Margo, knowledgeably

When the "Child" Becomes the Caretaker

Dear Margo: My mom, 63, has been essentially disabled since a fall three years ago. Her health is poor and she requires quite a bit of care, which she had been getting from her partner of 10 years. He and I have never gotten along, and I live several hours away. I visited for the purpose of going to a doctor's appointment with Mom and to see if I could get more information. When she came into the train station, she was shaken and said that her boyfriend had slapped her in the car on the way over, apparently not for the first time, and evidently had been verbally abusive for some time, as well. When he came into the station, he was very drunk. We had words, and he left. Mom has also struggled with drinking for a long time, and this guy is of the opinion that he has somehow "cured" her so it's OK for her to continue to have a drink now and then. Mom came home with me, where she still is, in our tiny New York apartment. The partner is still in Mom's house. (It and all her assets are in her name alone.) He doesn't really know that she's left, just that she's staying with me. Now I have a mountain of legal, medical and logistical stuff to deal with, and I just don't know where to start. She's hoping to do physical therapy and return to living and working by herself, which I fear is unrealistic. — At the End of My Rope

Dear At: Hoping that your mother doesn't change her mind about her abusive partner (and enabler), here is what you do:

Since this man who is supposed to be caring for her is instead slapping her around and being generally abusive, not to mention "supervising" her drinking, I would find an assisted living facility nearer you, where she can be independent to the degree that she can manage. She will have her own apartment, plus care and companionship. Put the house up for sale or rent, inform what's-his-name to find new quarters, and use her assets to finance her new life. — Margo, organizationally

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.