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Be Well
This will be my last column as Dear Margo. I have been giving advice for 15 years — first as Dear Prudence and then under my own name. I have been writing for newspapers for 45 years. The time feels right to retire from deadline journalism. I …Read more.
When Things Don't Look Quite Right
Dear Margo: I'm 60, and my boyfriend is a few years younger. He recently moved in with me. His job requires him to meet with people after their workday. I know he really is doing this on some nights, because I have seen people enter his workplace. …Read more.
Play It as It Lays
Dear Margo: My boyfriend (of more than three and a half years) and I are at a crossroads in our lives. We're both in a master's program, and up until now we've been very serious and committed to our relationship. However, last week he brought up …Read more.
Unwarranted Guilt
Dear Margo: I am married with two almost-teenagers. We aren't rich, but we're comfortable. I have a cousin who has two children. One is near my children's age. This one has spent summers with us for years, and we have taken him on almost every …Read more.
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Hanky Panky, Esq.
Dear Margo: I work for a midsized law firm in a suburb of Boston. A couple of years ago, it came to light that one of the equity partners was having an affair with one of the non-equity partners. Both are married, and he is her supervisor. This situation has caused no end of problems in our office, because this man continues to favor his paramour and has given her more power over others. Morale has deteriorated to the point where long-time loyal employees are leaving in disgust, and the firm is actually splitting into two as a result of the fallout of the affair.
Throughout the turmoil and stress, I have turned to my best friends to vent and to mourn the loss of beloved co-workers who have quit (or were forced out because they knew too much). I have been grateful for my friends' support, but there is one issue I have not been able to resolve.
Without exception, my friends feel that the boss's wife deserves to be told. But as painful as this situation has been for all of us in the firm, I just don't know whether this is the proper thing to do. The wife is a lovely person (also a lawyer) whom we all know and like, and no one wants to see her or their children hurt. I know women who admit to having been the "oblivious wife" and swear they wish someone had been brave enough to tell them.
Are we being kind by keeping quiet or just being enablers and cowards for not letting her know? What is the right thing to do? — Torn
Dear Torn: In the particular case you describe, I would be in favor of telling the wife — though she may already know, because these things often work that way. (While she might've chosen to ignore what she knew, it becoming an issue for her husband's employees would likely change her mind.)
My reason for blowing the whistle is that the romance is having a negative effect on the office — the place where you and several others spend the workday. If Lothario the Lawyer hadn't favored the non-equity partner and no one had quit, then my advice might have been different. If there is a domestic flare-up, so be it. You all will not have made it happen. That distinction will go to the brazen lawyer, who clearly made the subordinate lawyer the living and breathing object of habeas corpus. — Margo, deliberatively
In Memory Of...
Dear Margo: Here's something that has come up before, and it has come up again. My neighbor's mother passed away. I looked in the obituary to see what charity is listed for those who want to make a donation "in memory of..." I flinched. The "charity" is the family's endowment fund. I've run up against this in the past, and it makes me quite uncomfortable. This says to me that the family will know exactly how much money I've given, and this seems completely wrong and not at all what a donation is supposed to be. — ND
Dear N: No offense, but your way out of this discomfort is quite simple: It is not to make a donation to their "endowment fund," whatever that is. (I don't know whether it's a family foundation or a kitty they have created.) If you wish to make a donation as a gesture of sympathy, choose a charity that has to do with the illness of the deceased or one whose work you admire. — Margo, preferably
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2013 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM 
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18 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1--"The wife is a lovely person (also a lawyer) whom we all know and like, and no one wants to see her or their children hurt." You have just confirmed my long held suspicion that lawyers are idiots. The high ranking partner's salacious affair has not only caused a holocaust of pettiness and vindictiveness in your office, resulting in the hemorrhage of many beloved coworkers and friends, but it is even causing the law firm to split into two. How many people are you willing to sacrifice because of this "lovely person"? If you don't think this hound dog's wife doesn't know what's up, then you're either the most naive person in the world or she is. I'm sure you've watched old episodes of 'L.A. Law'; if not, do yourself a favor and enlighten yourself because evidently there's more drama going on in your law firm than ever took place on that show. I'm sure you can concoct a way to clue in the wife as explicitly as possible (e.g., present hard evidence) to her husband's shenanigans without leaving any fingerprints or tracks back to you. You're a lawyer, that's what they do. Forget about hurting this woman or the kids, trust me; if they carry their parents genes, the damage is already done.
LW2--Easy answer: don't give any money. Send flowers and a sympathy card. If you're feeling particularly generous, stop by in a few days with a casserole then call it a day.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Chris
Fri Mar 15, 2013 2:33 AM
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OMG, LW1, this is so, so, so not your business. You have not only allowed yourself to be drawn into this drama, but your gossiping to people both inside and outside the firm about your colleagues' personal lives, their perks and promotions or lack thereof, and the reasons behind each, voluntary and forced resignations and reasons for quitting, and especially the reason you believe the firm is restructuring, have probably smashed the confidentiality agreement you have with your firm to smithereens. I hope to gosh you are not in their HR department. Before tsking-tsking the partner's morals, you better take a good long look in the mirror at yourself.
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If you didn't like the culture or ethics of this firm, or felt you weren't getting a fair shake due to favoritism, then you should have asked for a confidential meeting with your immediate superior, and if that didn't resolve the issue, you should have left to go work elsewhere, as your colleagues did, and if desired had an exit interview in which you quietly and professionally stated the reasons why.
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Instead, you shot your mouth off to anyone who would listen, spilled confidential information about your fellow employees' employment status, and dragged your firm's reputation and that of ALL the partners through the mud. It is very possible that the other partners have their hands tied regarding this partner's contract and cannot immediately get rid of him (or her).
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And now you're wondering if you should tell the wife??? LW, you have told far too many people already. Has it occured to you that the partner and his wife may have an open or polyamorous marriage?
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Keep in mind that as distasteful as this affair may seem to you, they are not doing anything illegal. You, on the other hand, were hired to perform a service, not to cast judgment on the actions of the partners or their employees, and certainly not to gossip or intervene in what you think is best for everybody.
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Boston is a small town. Learn how to act professionally and hope to heck it doesn't get back to your firm about what you've been telling people (hope you weren't emailing this stuff from your desktop!). You are just begging your firm to terminate you for breach of confidentiality, or to sue you for slander or libel.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jane
Fri Mar 15, 2013 5:55 AM
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LW1: I completely disagree with Margo's advice to tell the wife.
Unless the LW has another job lined up (and even then), telling the wife about an alleged affair could have very long repercussions on the LW's career. Law firms TALK to each other, and if the LW gets a reputation as a trouble maker, her career in law (whatever it is) could be compromised.
I would find another job and let karma take care of things. This is NOT a fight the LW should get into.
PS: Unless you have hard evidence of an affair (pictures, first hand observations) all you have is speculation and gossip.
Comment: #3
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Mar 15, 2013 6:28 AM
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LW2: Yeah, just find another way to show your support. I wouldn't necessarily give to another charity unless you know it's one the family already approves of, as has been discussed in Annie's mailbox alot recently. For instance, what if you donate a group that's trying to cure cancer, but the family are Christian Scientists? (an extreme example, but you get the picture).
Comment: #4
Posted by: Steve C
Fri Mar 15, 2013 7:45 AM
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LW1 -
Sounds like a toxic work environment. This abcess will have to be drained one way or the other. I would tend to favour telling the wife, with some caveats:
1. You have to gang up, so the fallout is not on one person only.
2. The wife either already knows and chooses to ignore it, or is completely in the dark.
a) If she knows, you rubbing her nose in it will be forcing her hand, which is not necessarily something she wants to do. You will be the proverbial messenger shot for being the bearer of bad news.
b) If she doesn't know, she'll be shocked, angry, heart-broken and humiliated, and you'll be the proverbial messenger shot for being the bearer of bad news.
3. If by any chance you end up alone facing this disclosure because everyone else is chickening out, BE SURE to have a another job lined up before you do. IF you do.
But, to tell you quite frankly, informing the wife, although the right thing to do in my book, is also a plan that is rife with danger, and one that could very, very easily backfire on you. I think I would choose to go the way of the regretted co-workers who simply left for greener pastures. I recommend it - perhaps you can contact them and see if there are any openings where they are.
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@Jane
It seems to me that a situation where one of the partners "favours his paramour and has given her more power over others", where "morale has deteriorated to the point where long-time loyal employees are leaving in disgust", and where "the firm is actually splitting into two as a result of the fallout of the affair", is VERY MUCH her business indeed, and that of all the co-workers as well.
And I don't see how she has "allowed" herself to be drawn into anything. It seems to me like the situation has been imposed on her through no doing of hers, and that it would have been, no matter what she did.
We don't know if her best friends are co-workers or people exterior to her work environment, so there is no certainty that she has been "shooting her mouth off". Keep in mind that if the wife is the "oblivious wife who swears they wish someone had been brave enough to tell them", she will be very hurt when she realises (and she will at one point) that everyone knew except her.
Of course, there are women who say that in hindsight, once all the deeds are done and nobody can go back in time, when it is not necessarily the case, and in reality there would have been hell to pay for the person "brave enough". Just like it is also possible the wife and the man have an open or polyamourous marriage... But the way he is behaving in his own office doesn't strike me as an open and fair man.
You will notice I'm pretty much on the fence myself on this, and I frankly would leave this hornet's nest alone is I were in the LW's shoes.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:47 AM
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LW1: I know I saw this letter in another advice column. I totally disagree with Margo's answer. LW needs to find another job and butt out. Either the wife or the other woman's husband will find out and all h e double toothpicks will break loose. Rarely can people effectively hide affairs long-term. Your work environment has already been compromised. Get out of that toxic environment. Polish up that resume and get to work.
Comment: #6
Posted by: PuaHone
Fri Mar 15, 2013 11:11 AM
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LW1 -- Put me in the camp that thinks Margo's advice was completely wrong. REGARDLESS of what all is going on at your office as a result of the affair, your colleague's marriage is NOT your business, and it is certainly NOT your business to tell the wife. It would be different if the wife was your close, personal friend, and your colleague was trying to use you as an alibi, a la "I have to work late with LW on a project tonight, so don't wait up for me." Only when the cheating spouse tries to make you complicit in the affair does it become your business. And even THEN, I wouldn't flat out tell the wife. Rather, I'd simply give my colleague fair warning that if he uses me as his alibi and his wife ever asks me, I'm going to tell her the truth as far as it involves me -- i.e., I will tell her, no I didn't work late with your husband that night.
Unless this letter was edited or I'm reading it wrong, at no time has the cheating lawyer asked you to lie for him or otherwise "aid and abet" his affair. So, while the affair has certainly had an impact on your work environment, making it "your business" as far as how it has impacted your professional life, that does NOT make it "your business" to tell the wife.
I won't be quite as hard on the you as Jane was with respect to "venting" to your friends about the situation -- but Jane is certainly correct that depending on how many people you've told (are we talking a few close friends who are not lawyers themselves and have no contact with any of these people, or are we talking about friends, acquaintances, the neighbor down the street, the guy at the train station, your manicurist, the people at the dog park...) and depending on just how much detail you have gone into, you may well be playing with fire regarding any sort of confidentiality agreement you may be working under and could also be playing with fire regarding your own professional standing.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Mar 15, 2013 2:24 PM
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LW2 -- you must be acquainted with a pretty swanky crowd if you have had this problem several times -- I have yet to attend the funeral of someone whose family had an "endowment fund." Are these "family endowment funds" set up to endow charitable organizations, or are they set up to support the surviving family members? I'm just curious.
But if your problem isn't with what the endowment is for and is only about the family knowing how much you donated, you should be aware that some charities will tell the families how much you donated. I hate to make you paranoid about this, but there it is. Personally, I wouldn't care if the family knew how much I gave or not, but that's me.
So, unless you can get over your angst about the family knowing how much you gave, I like Chris' advice on this one.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Mar 15, 2013 2:32 PM
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You know, we just had our company's sexual harassment training and I have to say you can't be very good lawyers if you don't see that this qualifies. No, people having consensual affairs is not harassment, but when it affects an entire workplace (or even just another coworker, legally speaking) it totally qualifies. Telling the wife will do nothing for your work status (unless she is also a partner?) but complaints to HR will, even though the guy is a partner. This is opening the company to a lot of lawsuits, not to mention if the subordinate get's pissed off and decides to claim coercement. Go to HR, as a group if it makes you feel better, and handle this like professionals, not gossipy school kids.
Comment: #9
Posted by: wyn667
Fri Mar 15, 2013 5:27 PM
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Re: wyn667
wynn, if the law firm is a self-contained private law firm, the HR folks were hired by the partners. HR folks do not have magical powers, and they work for the company, nor for the employees. Do you really believe that the HR people will be giving legal advice to partners in a legal firm?
Comment: #10
Posted by: Carly O
Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:58 PM
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LW1 - I think the wife should be told - when my son's father was cheating on me, his friends covered for him. It sure would've saved me some grief if someone had let me know. However, people have a way of shooting the messenger, so if I were you I'd avail myself of the anonymous note mailed to her. I know some people think that's sneaky and underhanded, but I say that's covering your ass.
LW2 - I'm with Chris - take over a casserole, and send a card. Hard to believe that someone would be stuck on this "problem".
Comment: #11
Posted by: Barbara B.
Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:14 PM
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Re: Barbara B.
Barbara,
It is sad that your son's father was cheating on you. I gather that he was not your husband, and maybe in his mind, that makes a difference. Maybe you were more serious about the relationship than he was. You did not share much about your situation, but the scenario is vastly different if you are a 17 year old unmarried mom who hooked up with an 18 year old. If you are significantly older, you should have known better than to have a baby with someone who you are not married to. Trust me, I know I sound judgemental, but I really believe that strong families create a great support system for children, and I am sick of baby mama's and their random boyfriends and children growing up not knowing who their father is.
In the situation the LW describes, I think it would be prudent for the employees to keep quiet for many of the reasons Jane and Lisa outlined.
Barbara, would you have believed a message delivered to you anonymously about your baby daddy cheating on you?
Comment: #12
Posted by: Carly O
Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:51 PM
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And just to make sure my point of view is understood, my idea of a good family includes parents who are seriously committed to each other for the long haul, including gay folks who are in it for life and are qualified to be good parents. What angers me is the fools who have babies without considering the consequences.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Carly O
Sat Mar 16, 2013 2:07 PM
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Re: Carly O
I hear what you're saying, but men and women have been cheating on their spouses regardless of them being married for millenia.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 16, 2013 3:27 PM
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I'm with Carly O. on the effect of an anonymous note that Barbara B. suggests. Barbara believes now that ANY tipoff, regardless of source, would have opened her eyes sooner.
But that's hindsight. Typically, an anonymous note only makes the recipient wonder more about who sent it than what it says. "Was it X? Is it Y? Was it a group of them?"
Comment: #15
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Mar 17, 2013 8:14 AM
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LW1: You are not personally involved with any of these people so it is not your place to open your mouth about any of it. The only reason you would tell the wife is to punish the husband for how he's made you feel and that's ridiculous. In this market you should be grateful to have a job. Normal people work around morons. Idiots moan and groan. Which are you going to be?
LW2: You saw in the obituary? Your neighbor's mother? What? Get a life of your own and stop trying to push your way into others.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Diana
Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:38 PM
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LW1 - mind your own business and try harder to keep your mouth shut. You've been complaining and badmouthing these people to everyone who would listen. If this is such a toxic situation, then find a new job and leave. I wonder why you don't feel the same need to tell the woman's husband? is he not a lovely enough person to deserve to know the truth?
Comment: #17
Posted by: kai archie
Sun Mar 17, 2013 6:32 PM
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@kai archie " I wonder why you don't feel the same need to tell the woman's husband? ": you took the words from my mouth.
I'm afraid the only reason LW (and Margo, too) want to tell the wife is that they expect her to "fix" her husband and therefore save the office. Scenario 1: The wife takes her cheating husband by the neck and orders him to fire his paramour and hire back all the employees that have left. He, a good husband, obeys to save the marriage. Scenario 2: The wife files for divorce. The cheating husband realises his big mistake, fires his paramour and hires back all the employees that have left. Problem solved (irony dripping from my keybord). Of course, the husband of a lower-ranking employee seems not to have power enough to achieve similar results.
On the one hand, nowhere does LW mention that the wife works in the same office. I think she doesn't (or else she definitely knows), so why should she be drawn into the problems her husband's actions caused to his colleagues?
On the other hand, she is a lawyer, probably moving in the same circles. Do you think she wouldn't notice something strange is going on in the office where her husband is a partner?
My conclusion: she is either totally slow on the uptake or she already knows. Leave her out of it, gang up with your remaining colleagues and talk to HR or to the other equity partners. And have another job in reserve.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Bar
Tue Mar 19, 2013 3:20 AM
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