Dear Prudence: I am greatly concerned about my grandmother's choice in men. I never met my grandfather because he was a huge jerk (to put it mildly). My grandmother then married another man when I was 9 years old. He ruined her financially, but caused that side of the family to get along better because we all hated him. He treated her terribly, but she never left him. She almost lost the house when he died.

Grandma has a history of dating men who are just terrible, and now she's "engaged" to a married man who is apparently just as big a jerk as the others. I'm afraid she'll be ruined financially (again) by this man who isn't even divorcing his wife of 47 years. Should I, and how could I, approach this problem? — Meddling Granddaughter

Dear Med: Regarding your grandmother's selection of men, Prudie would lay odds you're dying to tell her, "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." Unfortunately, it is hard enough to advise a parent about romantic choices; counseling a grandmother approaches the realm of the impossible. Her track record is lousy, and regrettably, judgment does not improve in later years.

The only mildly good news in this drama is that an engagement to a married man means very little, and the fact that he has no plans to divorce makes it mean even less. If, however, your grandmother continues her folie a deux with this man, you are pretty much without ammunition in your war against Bad Boyfriends, geezer division.

Poor Grandma is a magnet for users and losers, and realistically, there is nothing you can do to save her from herself. — Prudie, consolingly

Dear Prudence: I have wonderful in-laws who are in the middle of a divorce. They were married 25 years and separated the spring before my husband and I started dating. That was four years ago. We have been married three years, and they are still not divorced. This would be a nonissue, except for the fact that they drag us into it.

My mother-in-law wants her sons to hate their father for things that may or may not have happened in the past. She takes no responsibility for the divorce, despite it being obvious she is difficult, and she constantly pushes us to take her side.

We want children, but I am terrified of things to come. Holiday plans almost require a lawyer to handle the negotiations — who gets which days during holidays, etc.

Do you think things will improve when the divorce is final? (Though it may involve my husband testifying against both his parents since they are now going to sue each other.) Or do we need to speak up and set rules for them now before bridges are burned? — Can't We All Just Get Along?

Dear Can't: Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but a divorce decree will not cure what ails your mother-in-law, and her grievances are not likely to subside. This is just the nature of angry women exiting a marriage. (Please, no feminist objections; angry men act out differently.)

The best option for you and your husband is to tell her that while you regret her unhappiness, the wrath she feels for her decamped husband is hers, not yours, and you wish not to take sides. Ask that she try to avoid further discussion of her marital travails because she is putting you in an impossible position.

This will be difficult, but once you've gone on record, it will become easier to close her down. — Prudie, neutrally

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Dear Prudence is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.