Dear Prudence: Some time ago, I met what I thought was a wonderful man . . . attentive, courteous, well-established, self-sufficient and extremely attractive. He is from the same country I am from, and we have carried on our courtship in our motherland as well as different places in the United States.

He would e-mail me often, and we spoke on the phone. I got to meet part of his family, his staff, friends and clients, and he would share with me top-secret stuff about his work. But just yesterday, one of my friends was leafing through a year-old magazine and found a picture of him with what we are sure is his wife.

He never told me he was married, and I am horrified that he made me part of something so despicable as an affair. Had I known this, I would have never had anything to do with him. Even more disheartening is that it's possible it will be found out, and our respectable family name will be dragged through the mud in our country.

I believe I deserve an explanation, but I don't know how to go about getting it. My first impulse is to lash out in a harsh manner, but I don't think that's the best way. And if he is recently divorced, why did he not tell me? — Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt: A good way to get an explanation is to ask for one. Typically, people in a romance disclose details like whether there are ex-spouses or soon-to-be exes. The rats, however, omit information about current ones. This may be one bit of top-secret information he kept to himself.

Your inamorato may have a perfectly legitimate explanation for the magazine picture, but Prudie doubts it. — Prudie, straightforwardly

Dear Prudence: I don't know where to turn or what to think. While getting my father ready for a nursing home, my older sister and I helped our mother clean out the house. Most of the papers made their way to my house. I read some letters my dad sent my mom, and now I don't know which end is up.

Sis and I were always told that she was premature, having been born seven months after my parents' marriage. That may not be true. If it isn't, that's no big deal by today's standards, and we couldn't care less, but understand why they might want to hide it.

However . . . my father speaks of "the baby" and doing "what is best for her." My parents, being of different races, were going to face many hardships in their relationship, and biracial children in the early '60s had a hard time.

If this is what happened, do my sister and I have a right (obligation?) to look for our missing sister? This would be a full sibling who could possibly give my sons cousins, and me nieces or nephews, something I sorely miss. My mind says it was before my time and not my decision, but my heart aches for a sister I will likely never know. How do I reconcile all this? — Still the Youngest

Dear Still: If your father is of an age to go into a nursing home, your parents are elderly. The meaning of "doing what is best for the baby" is hard to know without asking your mother.

Prudie thinks you ought to respect your parents' wish to keep the secret. It seems highly unlikely that you would even be able to locate this person, were she actually the first child. If such a person were to find you, that would be a different story.

Do your mother a kindness and don't bring up a piece of the past she obviously wished that you not know about. — Prudie, discreetly

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Dear Prudence is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.