Dear Margo: How does one go about telling one's mother that she needs therapy?

I am a married woman whose twice-divorced mother lives approximately three hours away. Because of the distance, I only see her once or twice a month. However, we usually talk once a day.

In almost every conversation, she complains about her job (which she doesn't feel she can leave because she only has a few years left until retirement), complains about other random things or talks her head off about what amounts to essentially nothing.

I really feel she needs to see a therapist so she can get everything off of her chest and not depend on me to be her shrink. But how do I go about doing that? I really do not want to hurt her feelings, but she is really getting on my nerves. — Tired of Being Mom's Therapist

Dear Tired: Perhaps your mom just needs a friend, preferably someone her own age who either has lots of complaints, herself . . . or is slightly hard of hearing.

I would be gently direct with her. That is, I would tell her that you are sympathetic, but you've talked about all her difficulties before and are not qualified to give constructive advice. Tell her that seeing a mental health counselor would be very beneficial for her, and would preserve your relationship, as well. — Margo, repetitively

Dear Margo: I've been married for a little under two years. I love my wife and her family. The problem is her parents.

They are, to say the least, irresponsible. They had my wife at a young age, and I guess they're living what they think should have been their college years. Part of this has led to them going out regularly, taking trips outside their means, etc.

A year ago, they were going on vacation and needed to book their flight with a credit card. They asked to use ours. I agreed, after saying that we would need to be paid back from their next paycheck. This did not happen. Since then they have taken other trips.

It is frustrating to watch them take vacations while my wife and I are trying to pay our bills. I am ready to just write off the loan rather than cause disharmony. But . . . in addition to this, when they go out of town, my wife and I take in her teenage brother. I do not have a problem with him, but after three or four days, the expense of another person in our house adds up.

How do I talk to my wife about her parents taking advantage of us? By the way, her parents make more money than both of us. — Red (with Anger) Raider

Dear Red: There is something screwy here with these freeloaders. If your in-laws make more than you, why are they borrowing? The fact that they can't handle money should not be your problem.

I think the obvious answer is the best: Do not complain to your wife, because she can't control their behavior. Go to them, directly, and say you'd love to continue being generous to them, but you simply do not have the funds.

Without mentioning that they are irresponsible cases of arrested development, tell them you want to be upfront, and inform them you are not able to advance them any more money and that you hope they'll find a way to repay what they promised. And then advise them, because you are young marrieds starting out, that the teenage brother needs to come with a stipend because, much as you love having him, he is breaking the bank.

If your announcement is received badly, so be it; your only other alternative is the poor house. This is yet another example of people being held hostage to the thoughtless, entitled behavior of others. — Margo, fiscally

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.