Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

LW1 -
Well, you also deserve kudos for LISTENING to your parents. If you had decided to have sex without birth control, you would have ended up pregnant at 14.

It is not enough for the parents to teach the rights things, the kids have to pay attention. The parents are not necessarily to blame when the kids refuse to listen, because they think they know better.

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LW2 refers to the second letter on 31 March 2013. LW3 refers to the second letter on 6 April 2013.

LW1- Um yeah, I strongly suspect this was written by a parent of a teen, not by a "thankful" young adult, but no matter. And smart parents both encourage their teens to wait to have sex AND buy them birth control, or at least teach them about it. As one stand up comedian said, "Teaching teenagers about birth control doesn't give them a license to have sex. They're already driving, so we may as well make sure they have an air bag."

Why do the parents have to buy the birth control? When I wanted to have sex I went to the store and bought it myself. I did not mention it to either of my parents. My siblings all got their own protection without expecting our parents to be the supplier. If you are old enough to have sex you are old enough to get a box of condoms. If you are too embarrassed to buy birth controll you should wait.

@MT, if you are talking about just condoms, sure -- but for other forms of birth control (the letter didn't specify condoms), then parental consent may be needed, depending on age and your state.

@Lucy, I have to admit -- I'm kind of with you on your supposition-- since I work in an environment filled with "young adults", I have trouble believing that any of them would write this kind of letter with this kind of language. I've re-read it twice, now, and it just seems off -- or else it's an older letter recycled from decades ago and "updated" a bit for 2013.

Like you, I also suspect the LW is either someone older than we usually think of as a "young adult", or is a parent writing this as "encouragement" in advance of Mother's Day. The sentiments are nice, certainly, and I'm sure many young adults share them, and I suppose anything's possible -- but the writing style and the language used doesn't ring true.

I'm not so sure this couldn't have been written by a real young adult--especially one from an ethnic group that puts a lot of effort into rearing their children (Asians, particularly), from a country outside the U.S., or a religious family that spends a lot of time teaching ethics (unfortunately we never see that side of religion talked about anymore--religion is now a bad word). Sadly American standards are so dumbed down compared to many parts of the world that when we see a well-written letter from a high-school graduate, something that is commonplace in other situations, we can't even believe it's legit. But even American literacy standards used to be much higher. Go take a look at a primary reader from the 1900s and you will be hard-pressed to believe that's the level kids in first grade were expected to read at. Sad but true.

LW1 - I agree with the others that this doesn't seem to have been written by a young adult - at least not by someone of the age group we usually consider to be young adults - and was probably written by the parent of a teenager in the hope that their own child would read it and be "inspired". However, even so it's a nice sentiment and worthwhile reading for parents, since I doubt many "young adults" read this column. Probably a precursor to a Mothers' Day column tomorrow.

Re: Jane #6
"unfortunately we never see that side of religion talked about anymore--religion is now a bad word)."
Very true. However, ethics should noy need to be religion-based to exist. It's like honesty, you know? Truly honest people don't need to have the cops breathing down their necks to not steal.

"Sadly American standards are so dumbed down compared to many parts of the world that when we see a well-written letter from a high-school graduate, something that is commonplace in other situations, we can't even believe it's legit."
Very, VERY true. *I* could have written that at 20, but then again, I'm now the older generation... My mother only had a 4th grade, but there was a diploma attached to it back then. Fourth grade "graduates" were expected to know how to read, write and count creditably. Ho ho ho. Now high school graduates don't know that much. But they can text, tweet, live on Facebook and pick up a gun and shoot in a school - that, yes.

@Kitty #7
Actually, I think more young teens read these columns than we believe, for the exact same reasons that we did at their age - because things are discussed therein that they may feel embarassed to ask about, or cannot ask about because their parents are the kind who refuse to discuss hot subjects, or worse yet, because they're fanatics in their opinions. Certainly there are letters to advice columns from that age group, which means they're reading. And these kids are the most likely to read online, so we BTL had better watch it!

Re: Lise Brouillette #8
You may be right -- maybe my post will spark some teens to respond BTL to rebut what I said :)

Re: Kitty #7
Even though I'm only 17, I'm a daily reader of this and a few of the other advice columns. You and everyone else have provided wonderful entertainment for me over the months. I'd have stopped being such a lurker, because I've had my own opinions about what's been going on with various problems presented here, but the site seems to have issues with keeping me logged in, and what I write usually doesn't post. Is there a trick to staying logged in? Every time I leave the site, it's like I'm logged out, and it takes two tries to get me logged in for some reason.
I do think you're right though - from what I know of my peers, they couldn't have written this, so the writer - if a young adult at all - is on the brink of not being a young adult, or consulted someone older for help in writing. The old saying about only being as young as you feel comes to mind though - could we be looking for someone who feels young, but may not be so?

Lise, I never said teaching ethics had to be religion-based. There are many ways to teach ethics. I only brought up religion because the LW said her parents forced her to attend church--something many people would see as a negative thing today. Although ironically, all those who say religion is a sin can't answer to the fact that people who identify as being religious are far more likely to donate money to charities and volunteer their time to help others than those who don't.

Re: Katie Clark
There is no way of staying logged-in in here, your log-in has an automatic expiry date at Creators, even if you never close the page. I have taken the habit of checking if the log boxes are there and I fill them up automatically every time I see them. Thank you for checking in and keep on doing so! Welcome as a new poster!

Keep in mind there is also Advice Columns Fanatics at Delphi Forums where you will find plenty of advice columns being discussed, and some you can even participate in. You can also ask for advice if you need any, or put out a question that's been bothering you and someone is sure to answer it. Just Google "Advice Columns Fanatics" and we should be the first ones on top.

Re: Jane
I never said you did. I wasn't arguing with what you said, but adding to it. ;-D

Unfortunately, I have seen many people whose only morality came from religion and had none of their own. That's precisely why there was such a nosedive in personal ethics the minute Churches started losing the visegrip they used to have on people - they have no ethics of their own, and that is because they have allowed the Church to think for them and dictate to them how to behave all their lives.

That is the real problem here - people on automatic pilot 24/7 who would rather be intellectual zombies than think for a minute. I am constantly reminded of Claude Peloquin's infamous graffiti - "Aren't you fed up with dying, you bunch of morons?"

I have a reasonably good ear for language, and I have to agree that LW1 doesn't sound like a "young adult." The writer's tone sounds like a parent who is explaining why he laid down the rules that he did and is hoping that his (or her) teenagers would someday realize they are "better for it." It comes off more as lecture than "thank you."
Nevertheless, it's hard to argue with most of it. This seques nicely with the discussion Carla started the other day about parenting.

LW1 - The words and sentiment are great and true but this was not written by a "Young Adult Who Is Better For It". This was written by a professional of some sort. Waaaaaay too contrived and orchestrated.

LW2 and 3 - C'mon ladies. Get some new material. Your crappy advice is why we come here. We need something to make fun of. Get busy.

Re LW#1-------
I too call Baloney on this one. Either a parent wrote it or the Annies did. Good reference to Facebook, though, to make it seem authentic, although Facebook wasn't around before 2004. This must be a REALLY young adult------how nice that they gained so much insight at such a young age!!!!!!!! Nice long letter full of sentiment and moral values, and the fringe benefit is that it doesn't require much of an answer from the Annies---------nice easy day for them. Letter #2 required a 1 1/2 line answer, Letter #3 requires no answer.
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(And with tomorrow being Mothers' Day, I predict another easy day for them--------reprint of an old letter glorifying someone's mom, or maybe a new one doing the same thing. ) We shall see.
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So, since there's nothing here for any of us to sink our teeth into, I have whipped up up a batch of brownies for us all, glasses of milk included. Help yourselves. (And in the spirit of the day, I even offer them to the men out there, even though they didn't help me bake them-------because they never help with ANYTHING (Chris and Mike excepted).
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MEN!!!!

LW 1 This is so FAKE, no way was it written by a young adult. My guess is that is was written by someone over 60, about how they wished young people were. They Annie's are extra lazy today.

And most teenagers are having sex before they turn 20. They need access to birth control, not just a lot of lecturing.

I don't think the first letter appearing the day before Mother's Day is a coincidence. But I do think it possible a young adult wrote it as a Mother's Day present. The language seems a bit off, but an articulate young person might have taken the time to "compose" it as gift to their parents.

There are still a few teenagers who have that kind of language ability, because they consider reading a major hobby. The difference seems to be that they must now be self-motivated; it's not pushed the way it was in the past.
I have led a senior high school Girl Scout troop for a number years and have seen a spectrum. Not to the extent of a teacher, certainly, but probably have had a lot more interaction with various girls in that age group than the average parent. When away from cell phone reception for even a weekend they seem to fall into two groups: those who brought a book with them, and those who quickly become bored if someone isn't orchestrating non-stop activities.

Re: Lise Brouillette
Thank you for your welcome and the Advice Fanatics suggestion. I'll check it out. It's a pity that the site keeps logging you out, especially because they have the 'keep me logged in' option when you log in on the main page here.

Re: Girl Scout Leader
While there are a few younger adults who still love reading beyond Twitter and Twilight, I don't think they're all particularly motivated - I love to read, but I do very badly and was not at all motivated to go to school and I will instead be graduating from a community high school where they just give you the coursework and you do it. I suppose that means I am motivated, I just don't play well with my peers.

LW1--Dear Annies. If you believe a teen wrote this then I have some lake front property on the Moon that you might be interested in.

LW2--Is there ever NOT an occasion to solicit gifts nowadays?

LW3--Thank you! As was pointed out by numerous posters BTL the day that letter ran, it's impossible to design a bathroom stall that can accommodate every body type or disability.

Lise, I agree with you, but I think the problem is no one else is stepping up to the plate to fill the gaping hole of ethical instruction that has been left with the demise of religion. The good thing about organized religion is just that--it's "organized". While no religion is perfect, "organized" religion dictates you religiously (no pun intended!) set aside a certain amount of time on a regular, set basis to talk about morals and ethics. It's the same concept that makes things like WeightWatchers, AA, exercise groups, support groups, etc more successful than trying to achieve sometimes unpleasant or tiresome things on your own. On your own, it's too easy to let hard things slide.
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Many people are dissing religion now and even calling for it to be banned for some mistakes ancient religions called for, but instead of trying to improve religion by getting rid of outdated thinking, or starting a new religion, they simply want to throw the entire religion baby out with the bath (holy?) water. That's their choice and there's some good that society will gain there, but no one seems to be looking at what good society will also lose from the decline of religion too, and how to deal with that, other than spouting a lot of airy-fairy good intentions.
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While everyone says we can teach ethics in other ways (and a multi-pronged approach is always best) I don't see many people or organizations rushing forth to make that concerted, regular effort. Certainly not most parents or families, who are too busy with dual careers, over-scheduled kids, divorces and the sandwich generation. Certainly not schools, who are already up to their eyeballs just trying to cover required subject matter and deal with addictions, violence, shootings and bullying.
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I think all kinds of parents have good intentions that they will teach their kids ethics and morals, but in reality, it takes a lot of dedicated, hard work, time and attention, and an objective perspective. Something most parents just can't give their kids these days. I think the majority of kids in the West are basically raising themselves. The episode of the Simpsons where the TV breaks down and the children say, "It was the one who raised us!" is so, so sadly true. My parents didn't teach me religion or ethics. I didn't teach my kids religion either, but I at least taught them ethics--but I actually had to be there with them to do it. Most parents don't have that option.

Re: Katie Clark
Thanks so much for your input, and I'm glad we've provided some entertainment, and glad to hear there are more teens reading BTL than I thought. As far as logging in is concerned, I think it may be a problem with your browser. Maybe others can help, since I don't seem to have that specific problem.

@Girl Scout Leader #18 - Could be wrong of course but I really think this was put together by an organization with an agenda. I see some potentially loaded statements here that a "young adult" would most likely not be opining on yet -
You took me to church on Sundays, rather than allowing me to sleep in.
You made me speak using clean language, not tolerating profanity even though "everyone else talked that way."
You explained the dark and dangerous path I was choosing when I was tempted to dabble in alcohol and drugs, instead of turning a blind eye.
You encouraged and persuaded me to wait when I considered having sex as a teen, rather than buying me birth control.
You helped me choose friends carefully and wisely, instead of welcoming everyone into my life under the guise of being non-judgmental.
I dunno....... This reads like a well thought out message with something bigger behind it. Not saying it's bad. Just saying it's a bit planned and not really from the heart.

I would like to add my thank you to Katie Clark for posting. I find this forum very entertaining, and sometimes even informative, but I do think a few too many of us are in the same age range. To any other younger "lurkers" out there, please join in -- we value your input.

Rick - I agree this was not written spontaneously, and re-reading, I think the odds are in favor of you interpretation. I guess my thoughts were more addressed to posters who seemed to think the language couldn't have been put together by a younger person, and my initial take was that it was a pre-meditated "gift" written my someone to their parents with the intention of saying what they would most like to hear.. Probably would not have had such a rosy thought if i didn't appreciate my daughter so much on Mother's Day - which she told me her plans for just a few hours ago.

@Jane - sorry, but the people who reject religion haven't "fallen", we have risen above it (I'm sure you disagree, but I'm just explaining to you our stance).
The ethics religion teaches are horrifying. Over the years, the poor ethics lessons have been thrown out one by one, and all that's left are what the priests tell you should still be believed. Do you know how many very religious people fought to keep the institution of slavery, because it is sanctioned in the Good Book? Do you know how many men fought tooth and nail against giving women voting rights and equality because the bible CLEARLY says flat out they are NOT equal? Pretending that it is this wondrous book of beautiful ethical lessons is just a fairy tale.
BTW, of the 10 commandments, the "ultimate" ethical guide, only 2 are actually laws in the USA (don't steal and don't kill), if any of the others were made into law, you and most people would march on Washington and protest (don't work on the Sabbath, don't keep any images of your God, etc)

Religion has been given a bad name-------, believing in a false religion made up by men, often sexual predators, naturally turns people off. Actually, there are only two religions in the whole world, man seeking to find God by his own good works (and failing), and God seeking man by sending His Son to die for them. If you have been turned off by Religion, try Jesus Christ.

It's so sad to me that you all think teens and young adults are not in control of their sexual urges, but are instead slaves to them.
It's even sadder if that's true. That makes them no better than animals.

@JH, recognizing that the majority of people DO have sex before they leave their teenage years behind them is not suggesting that they "are not in control of their sexual urges". They are in control -- they are choosing to exercise their sexuality, as teenaged humans have done for millennia.

And we *are* animals, biologically speaking, JH. Nothing sad about that, either.

Of course, we want teens to make the best choices for themselves, and that should include education and access to appropriate birth control.

Re: Jane #22
"the problem is no one else is stepping up to the plate to fill the gaping hole of ethical instruction that has been left with the demise of religion."
Right on target!

And that is what happens when intellectually lazy people commission others to think in their stead, and don't explain to their children WHY it is wrong to do what the church forbids. Couple that with a church who is abusive enough for the people to eventually shake off their shackles, and then when that happens, there are no replacement values.

Another thing that will happen is that the original intention behind the interdict is completely lost. Most food strictures in the Torah were hygiene-based - there cannot have been another reason. Eating pork can be deadly when it's improperly cooked, as it very easily can be without modern facilities. Mixing almost tainted meat with about-to-curdle dairy in the heat... I don't know if it can kill, but it can certainly make you very sick. Same thing about ridding the house of all wheat for Passover - It acts as basic rodent control and makes sure the house gets a thorough cleaning at least once a year. Circumcision... well, just ask someone like my father who had to go through the procedure at 17. Better to have it done at birth. And all these things, to make sure people comply - make them religious commands. Otherwise, you're sure to have a large percentage of smartasses who always know better and pull a "nobody tells ME what to do".

Now that modern cooking apparatus and refrigiration exist, you would have thought some of the strictures would have been eased, at least in large cities where the amenities are available... But no, if something it's getting worse than ever, with the Judaic authorities spending their time determining the kosherness of any new product in the market and figuring out rites to make it so. At what point do the rites become superstition is a delicate question.

I know that religion can actually bring comfort to people in many instances. The Catholic Church was the ONLY comfort the French of Nouvelle France had after the disaster at the Plains of Abraham... But the Church used it to enslave the people. And that is a common problem with that: apparently, the humans who make up whatever church find it impossible to resist the entrapments of power. How many people are strong enough not to be totally corrupted by total power? Not many.

Frankly, I have no problem with people finding guidance and solace with some church in the process of their life trials... I do have a problem with people with a lemmings mentality, who turn to the Church not so much for guidance and comfort, but so someone else takes all decisions for them so that they don't have to think for themselves and be responsible for their mistakes.

And I do have a problem with people who use their position to abuse their power and use it as a tool of control - particularly towards women. All throughout the world, when you look at what abuses organised churches are guilty of, one of the common denominators between all churches regardless of denomination is controlling women's sexuality. Controlling anyone for any reason is always wrong, but controlling women in their womanhood can be particularly destructive. Not just for them - for the entire society. And the tragic thing is that the men who instigate that (and their female accomplices who enforce it) don't see that.

Ideally, the Church ought to be there to supply solace and encouragement in times of crisis, and guidance when the person needs clarification on some point of ethics. It should not become a harsh dictature and replace the people's brains altogether. Unfortunately, that is most often what happens.

@Steve C #27
"The ethics religion teaches are horrifying."
Unfortunately, all religious books are extremely contradictory, thus making it possible for anyone looking to find just about anything to justifiy whatever stance they have. Look for a message of tolerance, peace and love, and where bigotry and violence are forbidden, and you will find it. Look for a message of fanaticism, intolerance and racism, where any means to enforce compliance is sanctioned, and you will find that also. In the Bible, the Quran and the Torah - all of them. Did you know that, according to the Torah, Israel is not even supposed to exist? ;-D

"don't keep any images of your God"
Some Christian denominations forbid this, as well as all versions of Islam. And it SHOULD be forbidden... it leads to confusing and reinforces stereotypes at best - you can be certain that Jesus Christ was NOT blonde with blue eyes and milky white skin!

I remember an argument with one of my uncles, devout to the point of almost fanaticism, telling him that kneeling in front of a statue was p-r-e-t-t-y close to the same idolatry Christians were accusing "primitive" populations of... He indignantly retorted that Christians kneeling in front of a statue were not worshipping the statue itself, but its representation... And what, pray tell, makes you so sure that it is not the exact same thing for the "primitives"? I snapped. He had no answer to that. Sheesh.

Re: JH
"young adults are not in control of their sexual urges, but are instead slaves to them."
I believe it has more to do with the individual than with their age. It is true that raging hormones make control more difficult (especially since discipline comes with the experience of applying it), but I've seen plenty of old adults who are ruled by the crutch and always will be.

Re: locake--I call fake on this letter, too, but I'd say it was written by somebody over 70.

People in their 60s were part of the Woodstock generation, remember? Go back and listen to some of the popular songs from the early 70s, and you'll see we're not quite so old fogey-ish.

I loved those wild and crazy 70s, though most of it was observed from this side of a wedding ring.

Re: Joannakathryn
Same here. I married in 1971.