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Lippy 20-Year-Old Is All Play and No Work
Dear Annie: Our three sons, ages 14, 17 and 20, live with us. The problem is the 20-year-old. "Justin" couldn't keep up the pace of home schooling and bailed out with a GED. This despite my wife's correcting all of his work before submission. He now works two hours a day and feels that's plenty. He gives us lots of lip and attitude and does nothing to help around the house.
My wife refuses to charge him rent. She pays for his car, insurance and cell phone and provides all the meals. Justin's girlfriend moved in for a while until I put an end to that. Plus, I made him stop filching beer from our refrigerator.
My wife says I should calm down and go with the flow. I resent supporting this ungrateful freeloader. Worse, his younger brothers are starting to emulate him. How do I change this? — Father of Freddie the Freeloader
Dear Father: There's not much you can do if Mom insists on undermining your efforts to help your son grow up. The fact that he went for a GED may have been a disappointment to you, but give him credit for finishing his education. However, unless Justin has applied to college, he should have a full-time job and be paying a portion of his salary in rent, preferably at his own place, but certainly at yours if that is where he lives. Try to impress upon your wife that bailing him out, paying for everything he needs and requiring nothing of him in return does him a huge disservice.
Dear Annie: Eleven years ago, when my daughter was 18, she agreed to have her stepmother adopt her. This removed me as the natural mother from her birth certificate. I cannot get over this unforgivable act. I never gave my child up. Every Mother's Day and on her birthday, I cry buckets. I write her letters without mailing them as a way of dealing with the pain. What kind of child does this?
Last year, I loaned this same daughter $4,000 because she couldn't pay her mortgage. Of course, if I hadn't loaned her the money, she would have blamed me for losing her house. But instead of using it for the mortgage, she spent the money on drugs. She recently filed for bankruptcy, and this loan was part of the paperwork. It brought back all the pain from the adoption. Who erases their mother the same way they erase a debt? I called her up and finally told her what I thought and said I was removing her from my will.
I am OK with my decision. If she and the stepmother were to undo the adoption, I would forgive her, but not until then. I hope she sees this in print. — Newport, Wash.
Dear Newport: If your daughter is a drug addict and has been since she was 18, she is doing what is expedient and what allows her to get the drugs she is desperate for. We know this is terribly painful for you, and we hope someday your daughter will see things differently. Meanwhile, please contact Families Anonymous (familiesanonymous.org) at 1-800-736-9805 for additional assistance.
Dear Annie: I would like to respond to "Want My Girls Home," who resented that Grandma wanted the girls to spend a vacation with her.
I have been taking my grandchildren and great-grandchildren on trips for years, from as young as 7 to as old as 18. Not only do they keep me young, but we have a wonderful time getting to know one another. They all feel that they benefit from my wisdom and consider me very wise. Refreshing, isn't it?
Please tell her not to deprive her children of having wonderful adventures and stories to tell their own children someday from all the trips they looked forward to each summer. We're leaving soon with two great-granddaughters, ages 10 and 13, to spend two weeks in Colorado river rafting, horseback riding, hiking and having lots of fun. — Temple, Texas
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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45 Comments | Post Comment
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I have four words for "Justin:" United States Marine Corps. 12 weeks of arduous boot camp and a few years' service to our country will make a new man out of him. It doesn't sound like he's been in any serious trouble with the law; he's just mouthy and lazy. Private sector employment is hard to come by these days, especially for his age group (the national unemployment rate for teenagers is around 25%), but the military would welcome him. I recommend the USMC in particular, because they specialize in making men out of mouthy little freeloaders like this kid. He needs discipline, direction, and job training. If he gets those, he'll go on to lead a successful life. Tell this little punk that he can either go see the recruiter, or find himself on the street.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Matt
Fri Aug 6, 2010 9:34 PM
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And before anyone jumps down my throat, let me say this: I remember very clearly what it was like to be 20. 'Nuff said.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Matt
Fri Aug 6, 2010 9:36 PM
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Matt,
USMC may do Justin good, but the problem with your suggestion is that his father cannot enlist him against his will, and Justin doesn't appear to want to even have a plain old full-time job, let alone serve in the military. He was home-schooled and his mommy did his homework? Wow. That's one remarkable way to spoil your kid. I feel sorry for the dad. Annies are right in one thing - if the mom undermines his every effort at decent parenting, there isn't much he can do.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Ariana
Fri Aug 6, 2010 10:45 PM
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Sorry .Matt, but military service is a far cry from what it used to be. These young men are shot up with loads of poisonous vaccines and then sent to fight the ever-expanding and illegal foreigin wars for the benefit of the global elite, not our country.
Then in the end, they are abandoned -- it's now even been suggested by Obama that veterans pay their own medical care! Joining any branch of the service is the last thing I'd recommend to anyone who any other opportunity whatsoever.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Janey
Fri Aug 6, 2010 10:56 PM
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Does Mama do homework for everyone or just the oldest? Wow.....No wonder he doesn't feel he has to work. Mommy does it all for him!
Comment: #5
Posted by: Liz
Fri Aug 6, 2010 11:56 PM
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Newport, (LW2), you also should check into Nar-Anon. It's a group of family members and friends of narcotic users, as Al-Anon is for people living with or affected by an alcoholic. Your daughter is very self-centered right now, as ALL drug users are: they are all about themselves and their needs and getting their "fixes". I speak from experience; my younger brother was a crack-cocaine drug user for many years. He gave up a life with his wife and two wonderful kids. My heart ached for my niece and nephew as they grew up without their father. My brother has been clean and sober for nearly 2 years now, thank goodness. He's remarried, sees his kids, has a good job and also teaches Bible classes to addicts. You obviously have a broken heart, especially around Mother's Day and holidays, and rightfully so. Yet you should find comfort, solace, and help from groups like Families Anonymous and Nar-Anon. Also, if you are religious, confide in your minister or clergyperson, and one or two friends from church. You need support from people who know you and can understand the sadness and resentment you are feeling. My best to you.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Jean
Sat Aug 7, 2010 12:43 AM
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To Temple Texas
You are right on target! As a child I too went on trips with my grandparents and great grandparents. We not only got to know each other better and share things we were passionate about but the message came through very clearly from the adults who took time to take us on these trips,, we were interesting people and worthy of spending time with. My great grandparents and grandparents have now all passed away but they created memories for me that will live in my heart forever. I now carry on the tradition with my own kids making sure they get to spend time with their grandmother and with me as well on various trips and adventures. Trust me the time you are spending with your grandchildren and great grandchildren will create priceless memories that will be with them forever!!
Comment: #7
Posted by: Carla Charter
Sat Aug 7, 2010 3:53 AM
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Re LW2: What state allows an 11-year-old to decide who her parents will be? It's my understanding that the natural parent must give up their rights - the child cannot choose.
I have a child who has written me off, despite the fact that I was there for him and raised him when his father considered him a "pain in the ***." Instead of dwelling upon it, I just accept it and get on with my life - not easy but better all around than the alternative.....
Comment: #8
Posted by: also tired
Sat Aug 7, 2010 4:21 AM
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Re: Also Tired
LW2 said her daughter was 18 -- and that it happened 11 years ago. So the girl was an adult when she decided. Painful. But as an adult can you actually go to a court and say Hey I don't want my mom to be my mom anymore, I want this person to adopt me? And does that paperwork get filed in the court? What are the schematics when an adult does that?
Comment: #9
Posted by: Christy
Sat Aug 7, 2010 5:27 AM
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Re: LW1: I totally agree with you Matt. I don't understand how this mother allows her kid to ruin his own life, if I were the Dad, I'd give him the ultimatum or stick his butt into a halfway house for alcoholicsan even if he isn't one, just get him out of the house, screw the mother, she's obviously a complete idiot. What she's doing is a really sick way to ensure that she's always "needed", & that's what I think she's doing. I've met a lot of kids like this & honestly, I cannot stand to be around any of them. "MOM? Earth to mom! Come in mom!" (As Chris would probably say if he were commenting, lol! He must be sleeping in this morning, because I think he would love to sink his teeth into a letter like this!.....
Comment: #10
Posted by: Crissy
Sat Aug 7, 2010 5:34 AM
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also tired- as i read what lw2 wrote, i took it to mean the daughter allowed the stepmother to adopt her at age 18 not 11. seems like the daughter did if for brown nose points. why else would an adult do something like that? as i read on, i find the daughter to be a drug addict, confirming that thought. she is only doing what she has to get what she wants. no thoughts of how it hurts others, or long term consequences. annies and jean are right. those groups for family members of addicts are the best place for help.
as for lw1, sorry but the problem is the wife, not the son. he is just the symptom. and the younger kids follow suit because that is what SHE is teaching them! you need to INSIST that all the kids, not just the oldest, volenteer a set amount of time each week at a local shelter or soup kitchen. I would have a serious talk with the wife. obvisously she has never had to work. her kids are her entire existence and she doesn't see anything wrong with what she is doing. she is simply coddling her children. she needs to understand how she is undermining their future by HER current actions! what will happen to the kids if something happened to her and she can't care for them anymore?
as for lw3, that is just awesome! my grandfather was in a life changing accident when i was in 3rd of 4th grade. the rest of his life was wasted away until he died when i had teenagers. my grandma cared for him at home all those years. at his funeral all us grandkids were sitting together talking about grandpa and i was actually shocked to find i alone was the only one of my generation that had memories of my grandpa walking! that makes me cherish those memories even more!
now that i am a grandma, i take my granddaughters every week. i want to forge a life long bond with my grandkids and provide for them whatever support they may need for their lives. handsom hubby and i are planning a trip to the coast and i want to take my oldest granddaughter (she is 4). we took her last year to michigan for 3 days and all was fine. this yr will be a week. my son said yes but my dil said no. she said she can't be without her daughter that long! i just let it go and will ask her again as the trip approaches. i want so very much to make memories with my grandchildren! *** MESSAGE TO MAMAS*** DONT ROB YOUR KIDS OF LIFE EXPERIENCES BECAUSE OF YOUR INSECURITIES!
Comment: #11
Posted by: used2Bhello
Sat Aug 7, 2010 5:52 AM
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it was an 18 y/o that chose adoption 11 yrs ago...
in both letters 1 & 2 the complaints are about selfish children who look for the easy road... what can they get for no effort???? my youngest (22 y/o) is following the same path... works when he wants to and won't pay rent- told me the only way to get him out of my house is if I go to court and get an eviction notice...
it would be easy to say that all kids today have this overblown sense of self entitlement, but that wouldn't be fair... my 2 older boys have worked hard to get all that they have accomplished
I don't really have any great words of wisdom since I struggle with similar issues on how to get my youngest to grow up..
At one point I did kick him out but I found out he was breaking into my house to shower and eat... I don't want to involve the law but that puts me at fault for how things are developing so I am working on my issues so that I can be strong enough to enforce some tough love on my lazy, self serving son...
Comment: #12
Posted by: MMB
Sat Aug 7, 2010 5:52 AM
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@Matt I agree completely! I pushed my disaster of a teenaged son into the Army and they turned him into a hardworking, polite and responsible young man. When he comes home on leave he marvels at what trainwrecks his old friends have become and thanks me for making him join up.
Comment: #13
Posted by: split2packerland
Sat Aug 7, 2010 6:08 AM
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@Matt I agree completely! I pushed my disaster of a teenaged son into the Army and they turned him into a hardworking, polite and responsible young man. When he comes home on leave he marvels at what trainwrecks his old friends have become and thanks me for making him join up.
Comment: #14
Posted by: split2packerland
Sat Aug 7, 2010 6:12 AM
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LW1's son couldn't keep up with the pace of homeschooling? I can't read the tone whether the dad was being sarcastic or not. But it sounds to me like the pace was very slow and non challenging. Of course the children have no sense of work ethic because they've never been a proper environment where it was demanded! I suggest if dad wants to save his other kids he demand they be enrolled in a public or private school so they learn about deadlines and bad grades and structure. Some home-schoolers can receive a good education when their parents do it properly. I don't think this is the case with LW1.
LW3... granted I am not familiar with the first letter but if the parents both work I can definitely see where they would want to spend time with their children when they can. I can also see, as a parent, where you would want to experience your child's first horseback trip, first trip to Disney, first trip to beach, etc. I don't want regrets when my children are grown to say "I wish we would've.....". That just leaves grandparents who feel they have to relive their lives through their grandchildren.
Comment: #15
Posted by: It's me
Sat Aug 7, 2010 6:18 AM
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I totally disagree with the Annies on LW1. There's a LOT LW1 can do. For starters, he needs to kick the son out. If his wife disagrees, then he needs to tell her it's him or her son. Then follow through. What's sad about this story is that there are hundreds of thousands of "Justins" in this country today. A generation of lazy bums who have been coddled and spoiled by their copter parents to the point where they're useless to society. These "kids" expect the moon but they don't want to work for it; their parents keep handing them everything. I know some adult children who have continued to live at home well into their thirties. It's pathetic. The US military isn't an answer here because our military has standards and Justin doesn't measure up. Put him out into the streets and bid him adieu. It's time this boy grew up and his mother let him.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Chris
Sat Aug 7, 2010 6:20 AM
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Around here, at 18 you are in school, working full-time and living on your own, or you enlist. if it were my son, I'd make it clear he had one month to be doing one of the above. At the end of that month, out he'd go. My husband was military-he was shot up full of those "poisonous vaccines" (guess what-he NEVER gets sick!!) and he recieved an education at no cost to him, in a desirable feild where he had no problem finding employment when he got out. He also got to travel.
If the mom didn't agree, I'd make it clear you will divorce her and fight for custody of the other 2. If she homeschools I'm betting she doesn't work, and it's hard to support a slacker son with no child support coming in. That might wake her up.
Comment: #17
Posted by: farrar sanchez
Sat Aug 7, 2010 6:47 AM
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I'm not sure anything can wake up enabling, "copter" parents to the damage they're doing not only to their children but society, but here's a thought for them. If your child is selfish and entitled because you spent your child-rearing years smoothing his path for him, who do you think is going to remember you on birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day etc. when you're old? Not the selfish brat who you taught that it was all about him! And heaven help you if you get really old and need extra help and attention. Why should they care about you when you taught them that they were the center of the universe?
Comment: #18
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sat Aug 7, 2010 8:38 AM
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I think home-schooling can be great, or it can be disastrous. Unless the schools where you live are absolutely awful, high school kids need to be in high school, not at home, at least for the last 2 or 3 years. There are preparatory academies just for home schooled high school kids where I live. We have friends who home schooled their son to "protect" him, and when he was 19 he died of a drug overdose. Home schooling just made him more determined to be out in the world and "cool."
When he died, our son was complaining to me that the friend's mom was always on his case. I told him--look, he wasn't working, he wasn't going to college, and if his mom was on his case, well, that's what moms do. Later, he came to me and thanked me, telling me that he was glad that his dad and I expected him to work and go to school.
The mom that LW1 is writing about is not doing her son any favors. At 20, I'd been completely on my own for two years and was married.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sat Aug 7, 2010 8:48 AM
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This is long, but hopefully worth it.
LW1's kid could have been ours. After our (properly!) homeschooled, hardworking son graduated, he turned a little shiftless. After a summer of cajoling, threatening, begging, and all but bribing, we tried a different approach. We gave him one more week to register for classes, see the recruiter, or whatever he wanted to do. When Saturday rolled around, we sat down calmly at the kitchen table to discuss the week's activities. Surprise, surprise... He was waiting to hear back from this person, and that person wasn't in the office, and he didn't have time to go out to the school, blah blah blah.
So we smiled and said, "Okay. Well, you're 18 now and that makes you an adult. Your only choices are to go to school, join the military, or get a job. Obviously we wanted you to go to school. But since you're taking the job approach, and you're happy working part time at Jiffy Lube, we have to respect that decision. Now -- since you're jumping right into a job, that means it's time to start paying rent. Your room and board cost $350 a month, to include utilities. You can buy your own food and keep it in the fridge in the garage, or you can eat with the family. If you want to go that route, your share will be about $40 per week. You might find a better deal getting a roomate and renting an apartment somewhere, but that's up to you. You're an ADULT, so you get to decide!"
Two hours later he called me at work and asked, "If I'm going to school, would I still have to pay rent?"
He later graduated from a top trade school and now has a great job, doing something he loves and supporting himself. He thanks us, especially when he sees his friends still spinning their wheels at 21, 22 years old.
The secret is to treat your ADULT children like ADULTS! No yelling or anything -- just lay it out for them and let them choose. And if you're going to back down, don't bother -- nothing will help until you grow a spine and show your kids what a real man or woman should be.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Honor Girl
Sat Aug 7, 2010 9:22 AM
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Hey! MMB!
"in both letters 1 & 2 the complaints are about selfish children who look for the easy road... what can they get for no effort???? my youngest (22 y/o) is following the same path... works when he wants to and won't pay rent- told me the only way to get him out of my house is if I go to court and get an eviction notice..."
Pack up everything he owns, put the boxes/stuff out in the yard with a huge sign stating, "This is your eviction notice! In 48 hours, Good WIll will be called to do a pick up of anything left on the yard" Then change the locks, call the police and request frequent/random drive bys.
No One can take advantage or take control of you and what you want unless you allow them. Sounds like you are enabling the little jackass. SO, Call his bluff, Mom. Have the biggerjuevos. Get those big girl panties out, put them on and puff up bigger than he is. He'll get the message and wander off to try and control someone else.
Comment: #21
Posted by: kat
Sat Aug 7, 2010 9:58 AM
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Hey! MMB!
"in both letters 1 & 2 the complaints are about selfish children who look for the easy road... what can they get for no effort???? my youngest (22 y/o) is following the same path... works when he wants to and won't pay rent- told me the only way to get him out of my house is if I go to court and get an eviction notice..."
Pack up everything he owns, put the boxes/stuff out in the yard with a huge sign stating, "This is your eviction notice! In 48 hours, Good WIll will be called to do a pick up of anything left on the yard" Then change the locks, call the police and request frequent/random drive bys.
No One can take advantage or take control of you and what you want unless you allow them. Sounds like you are enabling the little jackass. SO, Call his bluff, Mom. Have the biggerjuevos. Get those big girl panties out, put them on and puff up bigger than he is. He'll get the message and wander off to try and control someone else.
Comment: #22
Posted by: kat
Sat Aug 7, 2010 9:59 AM
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To: Newport WA...My daughter encouraged me to come back to Dallas as I became disableld and to be close to my grandson. I ALSO paid off some of her debt, along with the many things I bought for my her and my grandson. I was able to go back to work, and unfortunately, my disability reared it's ugly head. She was an assistant manager at the apartment complex where we all lived. She blocked my calls to the manager to work out a payment plan. She actually went to court to sign the eviction papers. i was homeless for 2+ years in the worst possible shelter in DFW. I suffered a hip fracture and whe then hospital called my daughter, she hung up on them!
I am STILL disabled...but, I have managed to pick myself up to a point. The MAJOR disappointment is that I have been denied any access to my grandbaby (who is now 6 years old).
Point being, sometimes NOTHING is enough. When I was able to go into counseling, I was told "maybe she is just a bitch". I have been beating myself up for years trying to figure out where I went wrong.
My prayers and thoughts are SO with you!
Comment: #23
Posted by: Melissa
Sat Aug 7, 2010 10:54 AM
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Kat, she can't legally change the locks without notice.
Chris, it's not as easy as saying "the kid leaves or I leave". What will likely happen is that Mom will not force the son to leave, and so the husband will have to. He will quite possibly lose his wife and any control / positive influence over his son. Honor Girl's time tested method is ideal, if he can work it out with his wife (which would be much, much preferable to him moving out of the family home).
Comment: #24
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Aug 7, 2010 12:05 PM
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I do like Honor Girl's approach and it is preferable to an ultimatum. The problem Zoe, is that the LW's wife doesn't seem to think there's a problem whereas in Honor Girl's situation the husband and wife formed a united front to approach the problem. And, they reacted early enough to nip it in the bud. It's highly likely that the LW's wife will continue to kowtow to her son and then the LW will end up issuing the ultimatum anyway, in order to preserve his sanity. The LW knows he's fighting a losing battle, especially when he considers there are two more lazy bums right behind the eldest child. If he doesn't choose the "nuclear" option, he'll likely find himself out of options.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Chris
Sat Aug 7, 2010 12:36 PM
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Temple TX grandma says it well. "Want my girls home" is being selfish. I treasure every minute I spent with my grandparents & great-grandparents. All of them died by the time I was 21 but thankfully I had plenty of 'alone' time with them all & am grateful. Want my girls home is holding on to tightly.....hopefully she will have more time with her girls than grandmother will & she should consider that as well.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Lucy Ray
Sat Aug 7, 2010 2:13 PM
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Father of Freddie the Freeloader- it's time that this man be the leader in his house. He needs to put his foot down , override his wife, and require that is son gets a job ,and contributes to the household - along with the other children.This situation is ridicules , the man needs to stand up to his wife and family , cutting off the flow of funds if necessary.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Micheal
Sat Aug 7, 2010 4:53 PM
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Re: Ariana
God forbid a man in the US these days actually has control of what goes on in his own home!
Comment: #28
Posted by: Micheal
Sat Aug 7, 2010 4:56 PM
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Re: Honor Girl: good for you and your son!
Comment: #29
Posted by: Micheal
Sat Aug 7, 2010 5:00 PM
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Zoe!
It's Mom's house! Unless there is a legal rental/lease agreement in place between them, or he is on the title, she can do whatever she wants with HER house. Mr. "Go ahead Mom! Take me to court and evict me to get me out!" forgets he is an adult, not a minor that Mom is responsible for.
Comment: #30
Posted by: kat
Sat Aug 7, 2010 5:03 PM
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Zoe!
It's Mom's house! Unless there is a legal rental/lease agreement in place between them, or he is on the title, she can do whatever she wants with HER house. Mr. "Go ahead Mom! Take me to court and evict me to get me out!" forgets he is an adult, not a minor that Mom is responsible for.
Comment: #31
Posted by: kat
Sat Aug 7, 2010 5:05 PM
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I hate the double post thing!
Comment: #32
Posted by: kat
Sat Aug 7, 2010 5:05 PM
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take him out for a drive in the car, don't let him see that you've packed him a small bag to take with him, and dump him and his bag out in front of a recruiting station. Mom needs to understand that the babys have to leave/be pushed out of the nest sometimes before they can really become adults.
Comment: #33
Posted by: PamelaC
Sat Aug 7, 2010 7:17 PM
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Kat... changing the locks would mean nothing- when I kicked him out before he would come back in the house but not through a door... since I'm physically disabled and living on a modest income, I have neither the physical or the financial resources to kick butt the way you imply you would... I have filed a police report in the past so my son knows that I could do so again and that threat helps... as I stated in my earlier post, I know I'm part of the problem, but I'm working on my issues and little by little I take back control... although my son is lazy and has attitude- he's not all bad (if he was all bad then it would be easy to involve the law and erase him from my life) ... I know I make alot of excuses but I also know that I have to be able to live with the decisions I make... since his older brothers are doing well, I know it's not because he wasn't given the basic tools in his upbringing... on a positive note, he has enrolled in college for the fall (and has a scholarship) so I know when he really wants to he can apply himself... and the fact that he is going back to school indicates to me that maybe he realizes that I'm not going to continue to be a floor mat for him to continue to walk all over...
Comment: #34
Posted by: MMB
Sat Aug 7, 2010 7:27 PM
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by the way, my 1st post wasn't intended to whine or ask for advice... it was intended to express that I could understand the frustrations of the letter writers...
Comment: #35
Posted by: MMB
Sat Aug 7, 2010 7:35 PM
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Just speculation, but LW1's wife could be the kind of woman who doesn't want her "baby" growing up, since that's a milestone proving that she's getting old. What better way to deny reality than to keep him in an infantile state, unable to leave mommy? In this case, she doesn't give a damn about the child, except as a prop in her own little "Mommy Forever" play. As said earlier, LW1 needs to deal with his wife first, then his son.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Snarf
Sat Aug 7, 2010 7:46 PM
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LW1 Military might be an answer if the Dad can get him to join. Last I heard the Navy and Marines around here won't take GEDs but the Army does. When a cousin of mine was goofing off and getting bad community college grades while living at home, my uncle told him shape up or ship out. Next semester (he hadn't shaped up) my uncle asked him to go for a ride. My cousin was dumb enough to just follow his dad into the recruiters office and apparently shocked enough he signed when the dad said he's enlisting. Mom in this letter would probably have a fit, but he would have to grow up. Too bad for the LW1's son, we don't have the draft. That would solve his problem. LW2 better hope daughter does not see the letter. She probably would undo the adoption, just so she can use mom again. If she ever feels bad about what she did, there will be a lot more changes than just undoing the adoption. Incidently, forgiveness is letting go and getting rid of your anger and bitterness. It is not letting the person hurt you again or pretending it never happened. That kind of forgiveness could really help this mom who seemsto be (understandably) dwelling on this. Then, if the daughter truly changes mom can welcome her with open arms. If she doesn't, mom has let go of the anger to allow other loving people into her life. But as long as she stays angry, she is giving her daughter power to hurt her forever. I would be very tempted to put in the will, $dollars, that once would have gone to daughter, will go to xyz drug rehabilitation program to help others with her problem, and make sure that xyz drug program would provide rehabilitation services for daughter if she ever desired to shape up in return for the endowment. LW3 I have precious memories of cooking and sewing with my grandmother. My cousins don't, they were too young when she died. All the youngest cousin remembers of her is a sick old lady who could barely walk and was too frail to even hold her in her lap. My youngest child lost her last grandparent before finishing high school. We should never assume there will be time to make memories later.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sat Aug 7, 2010 8:27 PM
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The LW1 can't force the Justin into the military, but he sure as hell can kick him out. That's what I'm suggesting. I said that the military (again, especially the USMC) might be a good answer since even if the kid starts looking, it could take him months to find anything in this economy. The service, on the other hand, will accept him right away and it will be no more than a month or two before another session of boot camp starts, and off he goes. As long as he doesn't have serious criminal convictions or physical problems, they'll take him. After I posted my initial comment, it dawned on me that the wife/mother described was a huge part of the problem as well, and thank you to those who pointed this out. Someone's got to get through to her. (Oh, and the person who rattled on about illegal, unjust wars and all that claptrap? Yeah...you need to get a grip on reality there.)
Comment: #38
Posted by: Matt
Sun Aug 8, 2010 12:18 AM
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I'm a 63 grandmother of 5. We've taken my grandchildren on trips and camping trips, even when some were in diapers. I know my grandchildren very well and they know me. We're all comfortable with each other. I know they treasure this time with us as much as we do.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Viola Hobbs
Sun Aug 8, 2010 2:03 PM
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For another perspective on military service, see Iraq Veterans Against the War: http://www.ivaw.org/faq
Also, Veterans For Peace: http://www.veteransforpeace.org/index.php
Comment: #40
Posted by: Van Wickle
Sun Aug 8, 2010 3:23 PM
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Wow, what I wouldn't give to have grandparents actively involved in my kids' lives! They have three deceased grandparents and one who doesn't care to see them (or any of her other grandchildren). Count your blessings that you have grandparents who want to be involved in your children's lives. I would certainly miss my kids if a grandparent wanted to take them away on vacation, but I wouldn't begrudge it at all! And what a wonderful opportunity for the kids to learn about their family history, your childhood, their grandparents lives "back then", etc.
Comment: #41
Posted by: ALN
Sun Aug 8, 2010 7:47 PM
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Re: Van Wickle. Both of those groups are full of impostors, and there's no reason to think that they know any more about what's "going on over there" than someone State-side who follows current events closely. A grunt often has no idea what's going on even at the brigade or division-level of command, to say nothing of overall direction of the war. You will always be able to find dispirited vets who've given up on the cause, or bought into the same left-wing lies that you have. (Exhibit A: John Kerry's Winter Soldier testimony in 1971, which portrayed American combat units to Genghis Khan's Mongol hordes.) Turn off CNN, get off Huffington Post, and read some actual news.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Matt
Sun Aug 8, 2010 11:05 PM
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Wrong on all counts, including what I read/watch.
Comment: #43
Posted by: Van Wickle
Mon Aug 9, 2010 9:00 PM
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Since when can an 18 year old be legally adopted??!!
Comment: #44
Posted by: Paul
Tue Aug 10, 2010 11:54 AM
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All you so-called "adults" going on about dropping your kids off at a recruiter station and letting the military do your job are sickening. Your kids are your responsibility...Correct your own mistakes. The military doesn't exist to fix people whose parents can't get their heads out of their rears.
Comment: #45
Posted by: Candi Anne
Sun Aug 15, 2010 2:59 PM
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