Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

LW1 -
How can you grieve for a grandparent who meant the world to you when you're busy refereeing? You stop referring. This is a losing battle anyway, so stop allowing yourself to be put in the middle.

Speak to your grandfather's lawyer about the tokens you are owed and stay out of it. Emotionally and physically. What the Annies said.

LW3 -
Isn't it amazing that such wonderful great-grandparents could produce such a bunch of clueless, narcissitic selfish brats? And then they all managed to congregate to create one big unhappy! I guess birds of a feather flock together.

P.S.: They are not abusive? Hm, sorry, but anyone who finds it entertaining to mock people qualifies as verbally abusive in my book. Verbal abuse counts as abuse. Proof of which, you don't want your children subjected to that.

Erratum -
stop refereeing".

LW1: What Lise said. These people are milking your grandfather's death for all the attention they can get, and trying to get involved only feeds the beast. As the Annies advised, you should see your grandfather's lawyer (or your own), and do it soon, before those tokens get "lost."

Finally, there's no reason why YOU can't set a date and have a memorial service. You and other family members have the right to gather and mourn, without being held hostage by squabbling drama queens. It'll probably make them furious, but this isn't about them.

LW2: Great point. Public bathrooms are some of the worst-designed facilities you'll ever see, and in the wheelchair stalls everything has to make way for the handrails, so the toilet paper dispensers are installed as an afterthought. For that matter, I'd love to meet the genius who decided it was okay to install paper towel and soap dispensers too high for small children and wheelchair users to reach. Think, people!

Re: Baldrz
You beat me to it -- there is absolutely no reason why anyone can't hold a memorial service for a loved one, and they don't need permission to do it from any other relatives. The LW should plan a memorial service for the grandfather and make sure those who were excluded from the first one know about it. Also, what Lise and the Annies said.

LW1, if you've "always" had a problem with your mother and sister, even from childhood, I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to defend your sister in any way. Stop refereeing, and stop spending so much time with these toxic people altogether. Mourn your grandfather in whatever way you feel is appropriate *for you*, and then deal with these people with as little frequency as you possibly can. If you have any genuine allies, and genuine relationships, with your aunts or any other members of your family, focus on continuing and nurturing those relationships. But disengage from the drama. It's surprisingly easy once you get the hang of it.

LW2: I suspect that people who don't want to reach too high for toilet paper (because of shoulder injuries, for example) would have an opposite complaint. It's almost certainly impossible to design a bathroom that will accommodate every person's disability, pain, trouble, or discomfort. If this is a bathroom in your workplace, you could bring your own TP, or ask for a second dispenser to be installed. Most of the time, I frankly just grateful there's TP there when its needed.

LW3: You have every reason to avoid spending time with these disrespectful grandparents. Too often members of an older generation feel somewhat "entitled" to behave rudely simply because they are older than you; respect goes both ways, however, and they are missing out by being so stubbornly disrespectful to you and your family.

Re: Baldrz
"It'll probably make them furious, but this isn't about them."
They're furious anyway, it might as well be for something. ;-D

Our WalMart just remodeled their bathrooms and I told my husband a man had to have designed the ladies' room. The stalls were small and the big toilet paper roll holder was in line with the toilet seat and not much higher than it, leaving very little room for even a small-framed woman let alone a larger one. Getting the paper out was a joke to say the least.

LW1--"How can I grieve for a grandparent who meant the world to me when I'm busy refereeing?" Simple, you grieve alone or with close friends. Instead of remembering your grandfather as viewed through your lunatic family's eyes, transcend all that and remember and pay tribute to the man as you knew him. Completely extract yourself from the situation and let your family sully your grandfather's memory and discard his wishes at their own peril. It won't matter to you what they do because you won't be part of it. Plan your own memorial service during which you plant a lovely tree or shrub in your grandfather's memory. Then, each spring as it blooms you'll take pause and remember this wonderful person whom you so fiercely loved. As the years pass and the tree gets larger and stronger so too will you and it will be as though a part of your grandfather is with you always.

LW2--I'm sorry but the world doesn't revolve around you or people with back problems. Contractors can't possibly factor in every single possible medical condition or physical impediment while trying to decide where or at what height to place the damn toilet paper roll! If you want easy access to toilet paper regardless of the public bathroom you're blowing out, then carry a roll or several feet of toilet paper with you at all times.

LW3--So your grandparents are nightmarish, selfish and physically toxic. Obviously you'd limit your children's exposure to such people as that is what good parenting would dictate. What do you expect, a gold medal?

LW2 - I'm afraid Mike H is correct -- people have different disabilities, and no matter where or how the toilet paper holder is attached to the wall, it will be difficult for someone to get to it. OTOH, I totally agree that the paper towels and soap dispensers should be low enough for people in wheelchairs to reach them. My daughter is a paraplegic, and often has to ask strangers to get her a paper towel because she can't reach the dispenser. Fortunately, most of the soap dispensers are within her reach.

LW1 - you're not the grief police, so stop trying to police your family. It's not up to you to decide whether Alice's grief or anyone else's is genuine or more deserving than yours. You would do best to stop being so involved with these people whom you've never liked and have been judging for so many years. How to stop refereeing? Just stop. Close your mouth & stop talking, walk out the door, hang up the phone, whatever it takes to leave the situation. You appear to have moved away from the are where Grandpa & these others folks live ,so go home and leave them behind. How to grieve - just grieve. Be sad. Cry. Scream. Tell your friends about your grandpa. Write down your memories. You don't need a memorial service or someone else's permission. As for whatever Grandpa left you, talk to the lawyer who wrote the will.

Not just the handicapped stalls, all the stalls are ridiculous. It's like the people who designed them have never been in one. The toilet is set exactly in the middle of the two partitions, then the huge TP holder is set in line with the toilet so that the bottom where the paper comes out is below the seat. I have never seen one at a comfortable height for ANYONE. The bottom of the dispenser really does need to be at elbow height (and NOT placed so that you can rest your elbow on the top) and the placement of the toilet needs to take into account the size of the TP dispenser, and don't get me started on those ginormous TP dispensers.

And since we are commenting on poor design in public bathrooms, my pet peeve is automatic toilet flushers that flush too soon- especially if they flush with tornado like force. You know what I'm talking about. Also, I hate toilet paper dispensers that are so poorly designed that you have to labor to get a tiny piece of paper out, and collecting enough takes a full five minutes. I also cannot stand a door that opens in, toward the toilet, with so little floor space that you have to lean way over the toilet to get out. Or stalls with no hooks anywhere, so you have to juggle your purse, coat, and shopping bags while taking care of business.

Good grief. Just go before you leave the house.

Dear contractors and building managers:

Please note that this not the 1930s, and that the average height of humans is 5'7", not 5'. In my apartment, the countertop and sink are made for someone who is 5' or less, and I am 6' tall. The constant hunching over hurts my back, and I am in pain every time I have to do the dishes. Ditto for the bathroom counter and sink. Over the years, compensating for the ridiculously low height of counters, etc., has developed osteo-arthritis in my back. And bathroom stalls are made for people who weigh about 90 lbs - I bang my elbows in them, so I use the handicapped stall. Can't wait for some entitled handicapped person to bitch at me for using the stall. Just like the ramps for wheelchairs, they are NOT exclusively made for the handicapped. ATMs are another example - why on earth can't they have one low one for handicapped/short people, and then the other one for tall people ? Same for drinking fountains, tables, etc. And why can't things be set up for left-handed people? We deserve special treatment, too. /rant over

LW1: You're a gold-digger.
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OK, I've let that sink in.

Now, what do you suppose ol' Bobaloo meant when I wrote "you're a gold-digger"?

Well, first, I want you to know something. Between you and me, you are not a gold-digger. But this is apparently what the rest of the family apparently thinks of you. Or if they haven't told you this already, they sure will if you say ANYTHING about wanting what apparently has been bequeathed to you by your grandfather, while he was of sound mind, or if you make the mistake of planning a memorial service in his honor.

It sounds like your family is exactly this way ... and it's not because they don't get along, but because they are just simply mean, evil bitches who have no regard for others, not even each other. I mean, unless the circumstances of grandpa's illness didn't fit the DNR requirements, they completely disregarded it and had it nullified. Not because they wanted to keep their beloved grandpa around for as long as possible, but because they wanted to see him suffer and took sadistic delight in it.

* * *

Alice submitting the death notice – unless it is something that has to do with newspaper policy, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt in that the family members whose names were omitted easily could have been included.

To be fair to Alice here, sometimes, these "custom" obits – which sometimes include exhaustive lists of every family member and close friends – can be quite costly. However, it seems that Alice could have afforded this if the newspaper. That said, I ask you, "Does your local newspaper "leave out" the names of grandchildren for all obits (except to list that there were "X" grandchildren, "X" great-grandchildren" under the survivors paragraph); some newspapers – those that don't/won't print custom obituaries or for families that choose to print just the standard "free" notice – still do this.

But that aside from Alice, it seems that she's just not a very nice person, particularly if she meant it when she said "I'm only doing this for the money."

* * *

So now that there's so much fighting going on and that their priority is clearly not setting a date for a memorial service, you can do one of two things:

• 1. Send – in writing and by registered letter (meaning they'll have to sign for it to confirm and acknowledge receipt) – an ultimatum that you want a date and time for the memorial service, and then give a firm deadline (and keep it close to the date you send the letter). Tell everyone that if they don't decide on a date by the deadline or fail to reply, you will interpret this as non-responsive and arbitrarily set a time and then it is their choice if they come.

• 2. Just set one for yourself, and you don't have to invite them; just invite the family members you are close to and some friends and honor your grandfather their way.

The No. 2 choice is far less risky, IMO. But even if you choose No. 1, a word of caution: You may want to call the police and have them stand guard in case a disturbance breaks out. Also, there is a chance that some not-so-savory memories – whether true or not – will come out during what is supposed to be the eulogy,

After that, I'd say forget what you have coming due to you. If you get it, great. But if you never get it, don't sweat it ... because if you try, you'll be called the "gold-digger," because this is how your family is. Anyone who dare interfere in their scheme and doesn't let them get their way is a gold-digger; you're a threat to what they want – "eternal" riches, satin drapes and bedsheets, ritzy parties with the area snobs, Rolls Royces ... etc. – and think Grandpa's will can provide them.

So let them fight over what might be in Grandpa's will.

You – you appear to have something far more valuable than just a few measly dollars. The fond memories, his loving guidance and unconditional support and love. Oh yes, there may be times he had to scold you for doing wrong, but if you grew from that experience, consider it because he loved you and wanted you to be a good person. There was always love for you with him ... and the best way to honor his memory is to leave the rest of your family behind.

That is, leave them behind. Block their numbers, return any correspondence (except those legally necessary) to sender, block them on Facebook and other social media sites ... pretend they don't exist. And then move on with your life. You'll have peace of mind, people who do care for you and love you for who you are ... and most importantly, your integrity will be intact. You'll be richer for that, and that's gold truly worth digging for.

LW2: OK, Chris, look, you're just being mean. I mean, just mean, cruel, condescending and a complete asshole. This is why sometimes I think of you the way I do.

Yes, I understand that public restrooms are difficult to design to accommodate every possible scenario. But to suggest "the world doesn't revolve around YOU" every time we see letters like this is just mean-spirited and full of snark.

If we didn't have people writing in on these topics, we wouldn't have handicapped spaces in the parking lot, we wouldn't have elevators or ramps to help those with mobility issues ... and we wouldn't have wider bathroom stalls to aid those in wheelchairs, are obese, etc.

To be honest, I don't know what the right solution is. Perhaps to pay models with various physical ailments to sit on a chair (simulating a toilet), then have them reach for the toilet paper holder ... and then have the contractor work out something would be my choice.

Obviously, even that's not going to suit everyone, but as long as it suits most people and works for people who are in the LW's shoes, that's OK. And remember, Chris, your attitude is going to get you into trouble with the ADA.

@ Bobaloo Re: #15

I'm sorry but you're off base if you thought my response to LW2 was mean. Listen Bob, one cannot possibly accommodate every single scenario when designing a restroom. Your comparison to handicapped parking places is like comparing apples to oranges. For the LW to put out a "public service announcement" cajoling contractors to accommodate people with back problems is simply unrealistic. As another poster pointed out, what about people who have trouble reaching? The solution is simple: carry your own roll of toilet paper if you have trouble reaching the one that is provided. This is basic common sense.

LW2:
What bothers me about the toilet paper dispensers is the "personal products" receptacle at face level and closer to the toilet than the TP. I don't want to look at or smell that nasty, gross thing and if they would switch the TP holders and the "PP" receptacle around, it would be much better for everyone.
Each time I go into a stall with an open "PP" receptacle I stuff a wad of TP into the opening so I can breathe and not see all those personal products.
Many janitorial people say that the womens' bathrooms are filthier than mens' bathrooms and I think this is one of the biggest reasons why.

Re: Jpp using your bathroom before you leave your home is a good idea, jpp, but some people take medication like a water pill and believe me when i say it doesn't take long for the people to need to use the bathroom again. i can agree with the complaint about the toilet paper holders being put in a bad place.

Re: sarah j. lennon

Sure, and there are a myriad of other reasons why public toilets exist, I get it. But really, to expect every public place to adjust itself to one's very specific needs (bad back coupled with water pill usage or whatever) is insane. I need a CPAP machine when I sleep. Big pain in the butt to travel around with it, amounts to doubling my luggage on quick business trips, and when you add to it my computer, etc., it's a lot to carry. Should I petition the Annies to cause hotels to meet my needs and stock CPAP machines? Really? There are medications I must take daily, and when I forget to take them on a trip, I pay the price--I do not expect the establishment to have them in stock for me. I mean, it's a hassle to travel, but I'll live without expecting the rest of society to rise up to meet my needs. But someone with a bad back who finds TP dispenser height to be an issue can probably pack a few feet of it in their bag when they leave the house. I am not insensitive to the needs of such a person (I'm sure back pain can be quite problematic), but when the solution is so easy, sorry. (In contrast to the wheelchair user who can't reach the sink--that, to me, is a TRUE complaint worthy of addressing.)

Re: Jpp--I'm sure I speak for all women when I saw that we all do before we leave the house, last thing. But if we're going to be out for more than an hour, we'll probably need a public restroom. Remember, we're all told to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.

Re: Chris

Asshole!! My fondest wish is that you one day experience back pain so excruciating that you need emergency in-home assistance of a chiropractor when you find one morning that you cannot even get out of bed. Asshole!!

Question for the BTL regulars ... what is a step or two BELOW a troll? Whatever it is, I think it applies to the poster in #21, whatever his/her real identity is.

Re: Jpp #13
You're taking for granted that nobody is leaving home for more than two hours. Or that everybody can hold it in for 3-4-5-6-7-8 hours straight. Wrong on both counts.

P.S.: Do you really think we're all such idiots that we need to be told to go before we leave, like a six year-old child? Evidently, there is a large number of people for whom going before leaving is not enough.

@Bobaloo #15
Considering she's only expecting and asking for mementoes, I can't see how anyone could possibly view her as a gold-digger, unless they're clinically insane.

@cjs mom #17
I'm not gonna describe the women's bathrooms on St-Tite festival grounds at three in the morning, when 99.999% of those still awake are stone drunk and getting drunker, as most people are eating at this hour, and I would have to become a lot more gross than I've ever been potty-mouthed... EEEEEEWWW!

@sarah j lennon #18
You don't need water pills to need the bathroom often. Just getting older is enough. Why do you think they're advertising "over-active bladder" medications all over the place on telly, considering the middle-aged and elderly segment of the viewers is getting bigger by the week?

@Chris
No, toilet stall makers can't be expected to meet every handicap or special need on the planet (especially since some of them will be contradictory), but I would expect them to make them with the average human body shape in mind. Right now, I don't think they do, because most of them would only be comfortable for little green men!

Re: Kitty (#22)

In this case, it may be calling Chris out on his post.

Now what clemma writes (wishing pain on Chris) may be a bit much, but the point – essentially, "How about you wear the shoes of someone who has back pain and needs the toilet paper dispenser to be at a height where they can reasonably reach it?" – is the main thing he wants Chris to understand.

Look, I agree its hard to anticipate every situation or accommodate everyone. But this sounds like a legit situation, not someone looking for attention or whatever.

Re: Lise Brouillette (#23)

I do hope you understood that I'm not calling her a gold-digger. (I know, I started my post out that way. You've read it, so you know exactly where I was going with it.)

I just want her to understand that her family will call her this unless she submits to their will and/or concedes to the present dynamic. It seems that they've bullied her – possibly others – around for a long time now by expecting them to watch their little soap opera, and are expecting this to continue to be allowed and accepted as "normal."

The LW can no longer tolerate these people, and I think that telling her she should not expect to be surprised to be be denied, and that it may not be worth the fight, is not unreasonable, especially if she were to do the right thing and speak up.

And yes, if her family members do call her a gold-digger ... then they're not just insane, but the worst human beings on the planet. And I thought that refusing to acknowledge a DNR request was bad enough.

Re: Bobaloo
I know you don't call her that, but suggest perhaps her family is viewing her as that. What I'm saying is that if they did, not only are they totally insensitive people who only care about they want, but also that their cognitive abilities are greatly impaired.

Re: Chris #8
Very compassionate, practical and well-spoken advice to LW1.

Public restrooms are there to be used, so the suggestion to go before you leave the house is just plain idiotic. And there's no "special accommodation" involved in placing the toilet paper dispenser at elbow height for a person sitting on the toilet, because that's exactly where people are when they need toilet paper. It's not rocket science, folks. It's not unreasonable to expect that it be placed where most people can reach it easily, rather than down near the floor, where NO ONE can reach it easily. If you can't tell the difference between an actual problem and an imagined one, well, that's your problem and it's for you to solve.

There are plenty of places around the world where (a) you are lucky if there even ARE public restrooms and (b) those public restrooms NEVER provide toilet paper.

We cannot expect every public accommodation to conform *perfectly* to our *own individual* situations.

Rather than expecting every public restroom contractor in the country to conform to our own individual situation, a little forethought resolves the problem nicely (ie, having a stash of TP with you *if* this is a problem you encounter frequently).

Also, I've used public restrooms for 4 decades plus, in a variety of countries, and I've *never* seen a toilet paper dispenser "6 inches from the floor", so I suspect the LW is engaging in a little hyperbole for effect.

Re: Mike H
"There are plenty of places around the world where (a) you are lucky if there even ARE public restrooms and (b) those public restrooms NEVER provide toilet paper. "
a) Hee hee, I can think of a few places where the BUSH is getter than the public restrooms they have there.
b) I always carry a wad of toilet paper in my purse just in case, the case actually keeps popping up and I have to keep replacing the wad!

You have to cover your own ass, I say. ;-D

Just don't get the numbers, do you, Mike? Whose "own individual situation" is involved in putting toilet paper dispensers just above the toilet so 99.9999% of the population can reach them? And whose "own individual situation" DOESN"T involve using toilet paper after using the toilet? Kudos to you for standing up for the silent majority of Americans who don't urinate or defecate.

PS: Just today I had to use a toilet paper dispenser located about 6 inches above the floor. That's what happens when they use oversized dispensers and put them under the handrail instead of over.