creators home
creators.com lifestyle web
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Recently

Be the Good Example This Little Boy's Mom Is Not Dear Annie: My younger sister, "Nora," is 43 and acts like an 18-year-old brat. She became pregnant nine years ago by a drug addict who is currently in jail for raping a 14-year-old girl. (He is out of the picture, thank goodness.) I love my nephew, …Read more. Putting the Kibosh on Cranky Clyde Dear Annie: My husband, an only child, never had a great relationship with his father, "Clyde." My mother-in-law died six years ago, and my husband passed away three years later. While things are improving for my daughter and me, we are both having …Read more. The Truth About Who Kissed Who Dear Annie: When I was a teenager, one of my cousins tried to molest me when we were at our grandmother's house. He tried to force a kiss on me and said because I was older, I should learn about sex and teach it to him. I fought him off. I was …Read more. Confusing His Loves Dear Annie: Two years ago, a good friend died of a heart attack. His wife, "Sally," asked me to help her get rid of his things, which I was happy to do, and I soon found myself mowing her lawn and doing chores around the house. Here is the problem: …Read more.
more articles

The Infidelity of Ongoing Flirty Dirty Talk

Comment

Dear Annie: I recently found out that my 62-year-old husband has been texting a woman with whom he had an intimate relationship in the past. He has admitted that these texts were flirtatious and filled with "dirty talk." He swears that there was no physical contact, but I'm skeptical. It's been going on for at least eight months, and I am not convinced it is over. He deleted her name from his contacts, but kept her cellphone number under a fake name.

During this same period, my husband did not give me an anniversary card or a Valentine's Day card, nor did we go out to lunch as often as we usually did. He also announced that he wants to get a new wedding ring, as he is "bored" with the one I gave him 12 years ago.

He has allowed this woman to come between us. Whether or not there was anything physical, this was absolutely an emotional attachment. He insists that she means nothing to him, but I feel rejected and foolish. Am I wrong to consider this an affair? — Ohio

Dear Ohio: You're not wrong. Your husband doesn't appear to be trustworthy, especially if he still has this woman's number in his cellphone and is trying to hide it from you. Even if he no longer texts her, it means he is unwilling to cut off contact, perhaps keeping her "in reserve." Please get some counseling — with or without him — and work on your next step.

Dear Annie: I've been close friends with "Lisa" for many years. We've shared many important life events and social occasions over that time. She is warm, intelligent, educated and respected. Since she moves in well-educated circles, people are shocked by her mispronunciation of words that are normally corrected in elementary school. For instance, she says "pitchers" instead of "pictures," which she puts in her "liberry" instead of "library."

None of us would risk offending her by calling this to her attention, but we also know that her job puts her in a position to influence young adults who notice these things.

Several of her friends (including me) have used these same terms correctly in front of her as a kind way of pointing out her errors, but she just doesn't get it. How do we help Lisa without damaging her pride and our relationship? Or should we ignore it and let the chips fall? — Need Some Guidance

Dear Guidance: It is difficult to correct a grownup's pronunciation without causing offense. You are neither her teacher nor her parent. If Lisa is married, would her husband comment? Otherwise, we recommend you accept her as she is and keep using those words correctly so she can hear them and, hopefully, incorporate them into her daily speech.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Wedding Jitters," who asked about a prenup. Please also tell her that a prenup doesn't cover everything.

My husband and I have a prenup, but he is now in an assisted living facility. He will not be eligible for Medicaid while I am alive and have financial assets. Because we are married, the government considers my income to be his.

Ours is a happy 25-year second marriage. We thought we had protected ourselves financially. If I had it to do over, I never would have married a second time, especially at my age. Make an agreement together and pledge your love, but don't make it legal and risk getting the government involved in your future well-being. — Reader in Vermont

Dear Vermont: Your situation has little to do with a prenup, but thanks for the warning.

Dear Readers: Happy Halloween. Please dress your trick-or-treaters in flame-retardant costumes that don't obstruct walking or vision, and be sure to accompany them.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2014 CREATORS.COM



Comments

20 Comments | Post Comment
Concerning LW2, I'm highly curious as to where they live. My grandma comes from Arkansas and says similar things (Example: when she says flashlight, it comes out "thrashlight.") She isn't unintelligent by any means. That is just the way she talks. I was born and grew up in Missouri but I have lived in the deep south and I say things differently since living down there. My husband, who is from the same area as myself, has no accent and says words correctly. It doesn't bother me at all. I try to say them correctly, it just doesn't always work out that way. Plus, it gives my husband a good laugh when he hears me say, "notification." Ha ha!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Little Miss
Thu Oct 30, 2014 10:02 PM
LW2 - how about if you just overlook this minor fault in someone you claim to see as "warm, intelligent, educated and respected." and realize that it is none of your business how your friend pronounces any word?
Comment: #2
Posted by: kai archie
Thu Oct 30, 2014 10:07 PM
LW2 - how about if you just overlook this minor fault in someone you claim to see as "warm, intelligent, educated and respected." and realize that it is none of your business how your friend pronounces any word?
Comment: #3
Posted by: kai archie
Thu Oct 30, 2014 10:08 PM
Why SHOULDN'T the government consider your combined incomes? And why do you think that a contract (the prenup) between you and your husband (and a contract that discusses what happens after you divorce, which you haven't) would bind someone who never signed it (the government)?

The letter seems like, "I want to rip off my neighbours by dipping into social benefits for the low-income, which I am not, and they won't let me, how unfair!"

Comment: #4
Posted by: Jpp
Thu Oct 30, 2014 10:16 PM
I was born and raised in Ohio. I have since moved and lived elsewhere for over 30 years. I'm college educated but I never pronounce the word "with" correctly. I have a tendency to say "wit" Most people in Ohio say it that way. I know a lot of people from Michigan who say "warsh" instead of "wash". Don't be so sensitive about a few words that are probably more to do with where she grew up and not her education or intelligence.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Mrs.C
Thu Oct 30, 2014 10:17 PM
Re: L2
If anyone reading today is in the same position as the LW, there is a federal law that protects the assets of the spouse that still resides in the family home. You do not need to impoverish yourself to pay for a spouse's nursing home or assisted living care because protections are in place to make sure the husband or wife of the patient retains the family home and funds to live on.

The LW may have very sizable assets, some of which should rightly go toward her husband's care. An average income family could possibly pay for assisted living without losing most of their funds. I have a family friend that retained a moderate waterfront home and most of his retirement funds even though his wife racked up hundreds of thousands in nursing home care. If the LW is not filthy rich, then maybe the assisted living facility is negligent by not making her aware of her rights and options.
Comment: #6
Posted by: EstherGreenwood
Thu Oct 30, 2014 11:06 PM
Something I learned while living near New Orleans: in that part of Louisiana, people don't go to the grocery or buy groceries. They MAKE groceries. Whether or not that's a translation from French, I don't know. But I've never heard that expression anywhere else.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Kimiko
Thu Oct 30, 2014 11:47 PM
I sometimes have to wonder - are the Annies for real, or do they dish our their pap to see if anyone's reading the column?


Case in point:


LW1 seemed irritated by her husband's behavior; she knows how she feels about it; why on earth would she need a counselor? And their advice to LW2 to get their friend's husband to correct her grammar is beyond ridiculous, unless your goal is to break up their marriage.


Granted, mispronounced words can be irksome. A pet peeve of mine is "nukular" (for nuclear). Another is "foil-age" for foliage. (And then there's "eck-cetera" for etcetera.) But I don't chase people around correcting their pronunciation. LW2 should mind her own business and appreciate her friend for her good qualities.
Comment: #8
Posted by: sarah morrow
Fri Oct 31, 2014 12:56 AM
The Annies also missed LW3's point about a prenup. The LW is pointing out that marriage can make one's financial assets vulnerable in ways that even prenuptual agreements can't deflect. I've seen what she's talking about: two people who married late in life, then one became sick, and the other's bank account was exhausted taking care of her. Then Medicaid stepped in and paid for the wife's nursing care for a while. Then when the husband died, Medicaid sucked all of the value out of his house. Marriage can be a financial trap that drains one's resources in unexpected ways, by creating legal financial obligations no one planned on.
Comment: #9
Posted by: sarah morrow
Fri Oct 31, 2014 1:00 AM
The Annies also missed LW3's point about a prenup. The LW is pointing out that marriage can make one's financial assets vulnerable in ways that even prenuptual agreements can't deflect. I've seen what she's talking about: two people who married late in life, then one became sick, and the other's bank account was exhausted taking care of her. Then Medicaid stepped in and paid for the wife's nursing care for a while. Then when the husband died, Medicaid sucked all of the value out of his house. Marriage can be a financial trap that drains one's resources in unexpected ways, by creating legal financial obligations no one planned on.
Comment: #10
Posted by: sarah morrow
Fri Oct 31, 2014 1:00 AM
* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *

LW3 refers to the first letter on 21 June 2014, which was also discussed on 26 August 2014 and 1 October 2014.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Fri Oct 31, 2014 1:57 AM
LW1 - If she means nothing to him then why he is so eager to hide her from you? I would hire a private detective and see if there really is nothing physical going on. I'd be surprised if there wasn't. I can't see someone doing dirty talk (I want to bleep you in the bleep) and then ending it there. And the fact that you didn't get an anniversary or Valentine's card speaks volumes. And now he wants a new ring. Is it because this woman gave him a ring and he wants to wear that but is using the "I'm bored" excuse on you? I would seriously reconsider this marriage.

LW2 - Let it go. Everybody has some sort of quirky language thing. My mother mispronounces a lot (she says "die-beet-iss" for diabetes for one) and I say nothing. It is what it is.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Michelle
Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:05 AM
You know what, if your friend is "educated," then she has DEFINITELY had this called to her attention by actual teachers throughout the years. Apparently she doesn't care (or habit is too strong to break). Give it a miss. She's not hurting you.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Sheila
Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:17 AM
There are all sorts of pronunciation quirks depening on geography, culture, upbrininging, etc. I used to get irritated at some ("crick" instead of "creek" as in I am up the Crick without a paddle), but have learned to let them go. As long as I understand the context, it's fine, we can carry on the conversation. So tell me about your fishing in the crick and the great book you borrowed from the liberry - it's all good.

LW1 - another man who thinks that eveything goes when it comes to interacting with other women, that as long as there's no sex, there's no affair. What's the LW waitinig for, an engraved invitation to leave him?

Comment: #14
Posted by: Lancelot
Fri Oct 31, 2014 7:26 AM
LW1 -- If he was intimate in the past and is now texting - then it is not over. You should have dumped him the first time. Give him his walking papers. It gets me -- what about the other woman or man their having the affair with? Why don't something ever happen to them.
Comment: #15
Posted by: J
Fri Oct 31, 2014 7:41 AM
LW1: He shouldn't be doing things that are making you so uncomfortable, and he should be more forthcoming with you. Your marriage does need help, although I think you should be prepared to listen to your husband as well -- just to make sure that you haven't been "icing him out" in ways that led him to seek female attention elsewhere. (Not that he'd be *justified*, mind you -- what he did was wrong. But if a relationship is breaking it's often *both* parties that have some role to play in it, and it's important you go into marriage counseling not just to confront him and get him to change, but to *listen* to hear what hasn't been working in the marriage from *his point of view* as well.)

I think whether or not it's considered an affair isn't relevant -- the label you put on it doesn't matter as much as how you feel, and how your husband is reacting to those feelings. You are hurt, he doesn't seem to be able to respond to that hurt in a helpful way. You both need some time and space to discuss your relationship and how to recommit to it so that you are both happy. Or at least happier.

LW2: I wonder if LW is mistaking an accent for mispronunciation? It's unlikely that an intelligent, educated woman has never *heard* other people pronounce these common words correctly before. Or it might be a mild speech impediment. Are people really "shocked" by these seemingly rather slight mispronunciations? Kind of a judgmental circle Lisa has found herself in, if you ask me.

LW3: I agree the situation isn't about a prenup, but rather that this couple didn't talk to their lawyers about other contingencies when they developed their prenup. The couple should have gamed out other scenarios or asked their lawyers for additional advice.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:13 AM
Re LW1: It does sound like a problem that LW1 needs to address. But, to answer her actual question ("am I wrong to consider this an affair") the answer is yes, you are wrong. Think of it this way: if flirtatious texts are "an affair" what do you say when your husband meets a woman in a hotel room? A "real affair"?

Comment: #17
Posted by: dave
Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:50 AM
Re: kai archie The LW sounded more concerned for what her friend's colleagues must think of the mispronunciations.That it might impact her job. That is a legitimate concern.
"Since she moves in well-educated circles, people are shocked by her mispronunciation of words that are normally corrected in elementary school."
That said, the friend's field would be important. If she is in science language skills are less important. If she is teaching English Literature then the mispronunciations become very important because she is teaching the next generation to speak incorrectly.
Comment: #18
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:52 AM
Re: kai archie The LW sounded more concerned for what her friend's colleagues must think of the mispronunciations.That it might impact her job. That is a legitimate concern.
"Since she moves in well-educated circles, people are shocked by her mispronunciation of words that are normally corrected in elementary school."
That said, the friend's field would be important. If she is in science language skills are less important. If she is teaching English Literature then the mispronunciations become very important because she is teaching the next generation to speak incorrectly.
Comment: #19
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:53 AM
LW1--I hate to break it to you deary but your husband is a real piece of work. He's a dirty old man making a fool of himself chasing skirts like a horned up teenager. The details of your husband's behavior and splitting hairs over what constitutes an affair are irrelevent. The bottom line is that you're unhappy. Does anything else really matter? Tell your husband that if he wants a new wedding band that you suggest he get one from his girlfriend. Then throw yours in his face on your way out to see a good divorce lawyer. Don't get mad, get everything. You deserve better.

LW2--You know, I wish I had your problems. Some people develop a particular way of speaking as a sort of signature trademark. For example Paula Deen. Since your friend is well educated, don't you think she already knows how to pronounce these words properly? The fact that she doesn't probably imparts a certain charm from the perspective of those of her who are her real friends who choose to overlook how she pronouces certain words and accept your friend for who she is. Stop being a language Nazi and find something else to occupy your time. It seems to me that you need a hobby.

LW3--I have to agree with the Annies. For heaven's sake why aren't you taking care of your husband?!? Forget what the damned pre-nup says.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Chris
Fri Oct 31, 2014 9:29 AM
Already have an account? Log in.
New Account  
Your Name:
Your E-mail:
Your Password:
Confirm Your Password:

Please allow a few minutes for your comment to be posted.

Enter the numbers to the right:  
Creators.com comments policy
More
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Oct. `14
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa
28 29 30 1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30 31 1
About the author About the author
Write the author Write the author
Printer friendly format Printer friendly format
Email to friend Email to friend
View by Month