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Never-Ending Bullying

Comment

Dear Annie: I am the youngest sister of 10 siblings. Over the years, five siblings have died. You'd think we would try to be closer after such awful losses. So when does the bullying stop?

I have tried to be an upstanding sister and aunt, but no matter how much I contribute my money, time and empathy, they think it's OK to belittle me and encourage their kids and friends to do the same. I never talk trash about my sisters. Actually, I speak very highly of them in front of and behind their backs. They do not return the favor.

I've put up with the "little sister syndrome" for decades and am quite tired of it. It's worse when they get their friends to gang up on me. At last year's Christmas party, my sister's best friend said I was the "screw up" of the family in front of everyone and not one person stood up for me. My sister's mother-in-law snickered at some other nasty comment someone made about me.

I have decided to limit my contact with my siblings and avoid them altogether on holidays, since I become everyone's target. They don't think their actions are wrong or hurtful. I'm done with being the nice sister just to be thrown under the bus and run over repeatedly. They say I'm "too sensitive," but if someone treated them this way, they would fall to pieces. I thought time and maturity would soften this behavior, but it's just gotten worse. Any suggestions? — Sister in Situation

Dear Sister: It's too bad your siblings haven't managed to grow up, but not everyone does. This is the family dynamic they are accustomed to, and not even the deaths of five of you have altered it. Ten children is a lot, and in some families, kids feel the parents are neglecting them in favor of a younger sibling.

This could be how things began, but it no longer matters. You get to decide how to handle them now.

Try talking to each sibling individually. Say that you love and value them, but you are tired of being mocked and hurt. Ask them to be more aware of the way they treat you, so that your remaining years together can be happy and loving. Give them the opportunity to change. But if they are unwilling to work on this, it makes sense for you to see less of them.

Dear Annie: I think your response to "Confused and Torn" was perfect. She said her boyfriend thought she should put her 15-year-old Pomeranian, "Clover," to sleep because the dog was in constant pain and not likely to improve. I've had to put several pets to sleep because of old age and it's always a horrific decision to make. However, Clover's owner is doing a great disservice to the dog by insisting on keeping her alive when she's in so much agony.

I would like to make a suggestion that may make the decision a little easier. She should have Clover cremated and indicate in her will that she would like Clover's ashes to be put in the coffin with her. In that way, the little dog will be with her forever. I will do this with my one remaining cat when the time comes and just the thought of it makes the burden a little lighter to bear. — Indiana

Dear Indiana: Thank you for writing. We hope "Confused and Torn" will consider your advice for Clover's sake.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@creators.com, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. You can also find Annie

on Facebook at Facebook.com/AskAnnies. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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Comments

27 Comments | Post Comment
LW1 - You want the close, happy family. Guess what...you're not going to get it. It's time to step into reality. You have somewhat stepped in saying you will now avoid them on holidays and you have limited contact with them. That's good. But you should seriously consider going "no contact" with them. You know that any contact you have with them will result in bullying so why bother? Forget the big, close, happy family dream and live your own life. The faster you do that, the happier you will eventually be.

They may ramp up the contact once they don't hear from you. Most bullies do not like it when their target goes away. But don't give in. Ignore the calls, emails, etc, and don't answer the door if they show up. Call the police if they sit there and bang on your door.

Also - stop giving them money, please.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Michelle
Tue Feb 9, 2016 3:59 AM
LW1, here we go again with another letter in which you are the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful sibling ever, but every single member of your family is completely bonkers and treats you with nothing but nastiness. Only this time there's a couple of twists. Not only does your extended family bully you, but so do their friends and their extended-extended family. And for once, there's an example provided (thank you Annies)--your sister's best friend called you the family screw-up at the Christmas party and no one stood up for you.
.
There are only a few possibilities, but you should consider all of them before you decide what to do.
.
1. Everything is exactly as you perceive it. You are wonderful while this entire large group is rotten to the core. Consider checking the town water supply for LSD and lead, but if that clears, dump 'em all and go find new friends.
2. Everything is not as you perceive it. Your hearing, vision, cognition and/or memory is impaired, or you may be getting a little dementia and paranoia, and what you think people are saying and doing in a room is not what they are saying and doing, or you are taking it out of context. Consider getting a full medical work-up along with hearing aids, new glasses, etc. If your health is perfect and your mind is sharp as a tack, then dump 'em all and go find new friends.
3. You are painting an entire group of people on the actions (possibly drunken actions) of a few. You are too sensitive, and/or you work a room just looking to find offence wherever you can. You fail to understand that EVERY group has a couple of idiots/bullies in it, and you fixate on them and extrapolate their actions to the entire group, instead of telling them to buzz off or ignoring them, and fixating your attention on those who are neutral or nice to you. Surely, not every person at the party turned and attacked you like a swarm of bees the second you walked in the room. And no one is expected to stand up for you if you don't stand up for yourself--if you say nothing, people can assume it was just a joke and you're not offended. Consider thinking of these people as individuals next time, instead of lumping them into a group. If one person insults you, dump THAT person from your life, not everyone, and focus on your other friends.
4. There is a whole other side to this story, and you have a checkered past or you do or say things in group settings that upset people. Consider that you may drink too much, say inappropriate things, or your sense of humor is bit off. Consider, honestly, whether this could be the case. Ask a sister or two to give you the unvarnished truth. But if it's not the case, dump 'em and find new friends.
.
Again, possibility number 1 could be the case. But if you don't explore all the options, your problem will just follow you to the next group of friends.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jane
Tue Feb 9, 2016 6:06 AM
Usually by now, we'd have several more responses than just one, but oh well.

LW1: Fortunately, things were MUCH better for my father, who came from a family of nine siblings who all got along reasonably well. I mean, they had their fights and stuff, but everyone -- even the two youngest, who were girls (my father was the seventh son, JSYK) -- was included and made to feel like they were a part of the family. There are just four of them left, my father being one of the five who have passed on, so I think they appreciate each other more now than ever, because the oldest is 80 (to turn 81 this summer) and the youngest is 65 this year. For sure, at least as I'm aware, there is no petty fighting or backstabbing or what not.

(FWIW: The LW might be quite a few years younger than the next youngest sibling ... like at least six or seven years. Then again, the two girls who were born last in my father's family ... there was four years between them. Again, they got along, so this shouldn't be an excuse.)

So what about the LW, who has been made to feel excluded and talked bad about? If indeed you have followed the Annie's advice already (talking to each sibling individually and telling them that they risk losing you) and it hasn't worked, it may just be time to back away completely from the family ... because apparently they don't like you for some reason, right or wrong. My oldest uncle actually looked out for his kid sister, even though there were 20-plus years between them, and so did the rest of her older brothers so what is apparently happening here, as the LW tells it anyway, is disgraceful.

It may mean sacrificing family traditions and so forth, but the ongoing poor treatment doesn't make Christmas a la the Waltons or Bradys worth it. I'm sorry.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Feb 9, 2016 6:07 AM
Bobaloo, just a note--it doesn't say she's the youngest in the family, only that she's the youngest daughter. It does sound, however, like only women are left, so I suppose she's the youngest sibling now.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Jane
Tue Feb 9, 2016 6:18 AM
WIth LW1, I honestly think she should cut her family loose, assuming her description of the situation is reasonably accurate. Often families get set into patterns, and it's very hard to break them. When it doesn't seem like anyone except the LW wants to break the pattern, then it will be impossible to do so.

Family is an accident of birth and genetics. Being born into a family in no way guarantees that your family will be nurturing, supportive, or understanding. Sometimes negative family relationships CAN be transformed through effort and good will; sometimes that will never happen.

Let go of the idea of biological family being important. LW needs to find her "tribe": people who may not be related to her but who do understand, support, and nurture her. They may be friends, colleagues, neighbors... they may be people with similar hobbies or interests... they may be in a church, or a volunteer group... but they are out there. LW may already have the seeds of such a "family of choice" already in her life.

She needs to transfer the longing for "family" from the negative bio-family and onto her "true family": people who like her and care about her and support her. And if she doesn't have that, she needs to create it, find it, work to make it happen by putting herself out there.

All the time she has spent dealing with her family can be re-purposed into creating and growing a network of helpful, supportive people in her life.

That's going to be FAR more valuable to her future well-being than trying to spend any more time beating her head against the wall that is her biological family.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Feb 9, 2016 6:55 AM
LW1- When I was a kid, my older sister beat me up all the time, and I got sick of it. While she was wailing on me, I kicked her in the back of the head and gave her a bloody nose. The next time she attacked me, I punched her in the back of the head, and gave her another bloody nose. She never attacked me again. So, find their weak spot, exploit it, and do it again, until they realize you will not accept their behavior. For stubborn people, you have to meet meanness with meanness. You will know when you have reached the correct level of meanness when they leave you alone.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Patty Bear
Tue Feb 9, 2016 6:57 AM
LW1 -

I feel for ya, but I can't find it in me to care that much. You're describing sh-tty family drama and it sucks but it's just a fact of life for many families. Stop worrying about it, and playing the martyr isn't going to get you anywhere. Make new friends that can become family that you actually get along with.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Zoe
Tue Feb 9, 2016 7:01 AM
Patty Bear, it sounds like you handled your sister's bullying effectively when you were a kid. But as a kid, you didn't have the option of leaving your family. The LW does.

The question is why she keeps going to family gatherings if she's often the butt of jokes and ridicule, or perceives that she is. My summation is that she was picked on and ridiculed when she was young, being at the bottom of the pecking order, and family dynamic that made her the subtle target never really changed. She has tried to "buy" her way out of it with unreciprocated gifts of money, time and empathy; but there's still enough unpleasantness, decades later, that she's finally reached her breaking point.

The problem is that if you've been the "butt" of things all of your life, even the slightest "humorous" or sarcastic comment by her relatives can feel overwhelming to deal with. If she finds it that unpleasant, she should either follow the Annies' advice and make one last try to speak with her sisters one by one about the problems, or stop attending the gathering.
Comment: #8
Posted by: sarah morrow
Tue Feb 9, 2016 7:38 AM
LW1--Honey your sisters use you for target practice because YOU LET THEM!!!! My gosh, why are you allowing members of your family and their friends to treat you like garbage and gang up on you at holiday parties?!? You said yourself that if anyone treated your siblings the way they treat you that they would "fall to pieces." Honey, there's your solution. The next time one of your siblings says something disparaging about you in your presence, you march over there and stick your finger in her face and inform her that if she ever does it again you'll knock her block off! When you hear through the grapevine that one of your family members has said something nasty about you behind your back, simply sigh and say something along the lines "well, ever since Sally did that stint in rehab her mind just hasn't been right..." Then change the subject.

LW2-- Okay crazy cat lady, whatever you wish.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Chris
Tue Feb 9, 2016 8:49 AM
LW1: The family dynamics are probably based on having a scapegoat. if they were to change, they would have to look at themselves and start taking responsibility. If they haven't done that yet, they probably aren't going to. If I were you, I would cut my losses and stop contact with them. Life is too short!
Comment: #10
Posted by: Mary
Tue Feb 9, 2016 9:21 AM
" not one person stood up for me. " That's it. Right there. And LW1 won't even see her own words. If she's gone through life expecting someone else to "stand up for her" - and doesn't do it herself - that's like giving permission to the older siblings to keep treating her as they always have. It isn't "right" or "adult" but that's not what the letter is about. If she can't stand up for herself, no one else will.

Comment: #11
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Tue Feb 9, 2016 9:23 AM
L1: I am also the youngest of a large family, and there is a big age gap between the next youngest and me. He, in particular, used to goad and mock me whenever we had any kind of a get-together, although we got along very well when we were one-on-one. I would get mad and react, and it would really mar the reunion for me.
I finally realized that he was just stuck in our old dynamic. Our dad was drunk and abusive most of the time, although The Baby was always immune (I got bumped out of that role once the grandkids came along) and my brother bitterly resented me for it. As an adult, I get that...didn't as a kid, of course. Anyhow, I finally just stopped reacting to his goading. It wasn't easy - I had a lifetime of history just like he did. Sometimes, I would ignore him, and that had limited success. What worked best though, was to pretend I didn't hear him, and make him repeat whatever nasty thing he said a couple times, then roll my eyes and go on with whatever I had been saying or doing. Doing that emphasized how childish he was being without really engaging myself in the same behavior. It worked, and he almost never does it anymore. OK...usually he takes a shot when we first get together, but he looks stupid and it's no fun when he gets no reaction. I wish I had figured that out somewhere before 40!
I don't know if it would work when there are multiple people acting hateful, but it's worth a try. I would suggest talking to the one she's closest to, who she can use as a touchstone of normalcy...just having someone with whom she can make eye contact when a sibling is being an idiot can do a lot to remind her that she isn't the problem, and keep her from adding to the problem. Don't react.
And I agree with Jane that LW is probably being overly sensitive. If not, and it is the entire group of family and friends picking on her, then I wouldn't bother trying to change anything...just leave.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Shirley
Tue Feb 9, 2016 11:04 AM
The family dog. Let's put it as your family member, human. Does not matter that they are over 100 years old (conversion from pet to human years), incontinent, blind, drags their leg behind, arthritis so terrible. Teeth not complete any more. Foods have to be special or pureed. And all your family member BEGS with their eyes in communication (their mind, voice moved into dementia state) PLEASE, if you LOVE ME, let me die. This pain is too much.

Now as the human in control, picture yourself in your last OH MY BODY HURTS SO BAD day. Now make that your forever more for your pet.
Now visit your vet, with love, tell your loving family member goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Added to the comment listed: Don't assume your pet's ashes get to go into your coffin. Got to find a state where that is legal. THEN a cemetery where it is legal. Book your spot NOW if you find one.
Doing cremation for the human will allow BOTH your ashes to be spread where you hopefully want. But there are laws. Our community has been going through this in the new laws, of what is allowed or not. You have to get the proper permits to do urn or casket burial from the entity you want to be in. The funeral director will sign off as what is buried at the time they do it.

SO for happiness ever after, check your laws before you have to.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Tue Feb 9, 2016 11:05 AM
It states that she is the youngest sister of the 10 siblings, making her the youngest in the family.
That said, it does not say her age group or the age spread of the family. 10 kids in 10 years is closer than 10 kids in 25 years.
Often the youngest gets MORE as parents age. They change parenting skills, sometimes it is easier to JUST GIVE IN as you get to the end of the lineage of kids. Society changes, opportunities change, rules change.
Maybe you got alot of different and less restrictions than the others.
Your comments of friends of siblings being bullies as well. So this makes me think you are all in the 30 and less in age? Interesting that people who have that much difference in age group still go out out and behave like bratty teenagers.
She refers to DECADES of this behavior, and the term THEIR FRIENDS GANGING UP ON ME. Look at her use of language, and era of kind of words grouped and used. You could not do a time line with her info that was not all over the board.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Final analysis: This is an assignment for some drama class, psych class or someone just being a poop.

Comment: #14
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Tue Feb 9, 2016 11:18 AM
Sarah, if she wanted nothing to do with them, she would have left them. Since she wants to be with them, she has to rewrite the script. I like Shirley's idea, pretend you didn't hear and make them repeat it, at which time you mock them. I also like Chris's idea, just dish it back to them. I have in-laws who can be very mean. I noticed nobody would stick up for me, or anyone, and when they directed venom, they were allowed to hurt people with impunity. Having grown up as the youngest in a mean family, I knew how to dish it back, and hard. So I began to call out the meanness that my in-laws dished out. Guess what, either they have matured, or they know better than to be mean while I am around. No uncle should be allowed to call a nephew "melon head" when the boy clearly does not appreciate the joke. So when I hear anything like that, I come down on the meanie like a ton of bricks. If you humiliate a bully, they will first be surprised, then, if you keep doing it, they will learn that they will not be able to get away with it. Then family parties can be more fun for everyone. They still try to be jerks sometimes, but now others will also call them out, which is cool.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Patty Bear
Tue Feb 9, 2016 11:28 AM
@Patty Bear, that may work if there are only a small number of bullies, but LW's situation appears to be significantly different. There don't seem to be any neutral parties here, just siblings who abuse her and siblings' friends who also abuse her, and a new generation of siblings' children who have been taught to abuse her.

With no potential allies to back her up, I really have significant doubts that "bullying back" is going to get her anywhere, aside from in more dramatic family fights.

The one thing she can change is her own attitude -- she'd do better to get over wanting to have anything to do with them. That's what gives them power over her in the first place, that she's so desperate for family to love her and appreciate her that she'd put with this abuse for decades.

Comment: #16
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Feb 9, 2016 12:15 PM
Joyce, re: "It states that she is the youngest sister of the 10 siblings, making her the youngest in the family."
.
Not necessarily. Being the youngest sister does not mean she was the youngest child. All we know is she has at least two sisters, and she is younger than they are. If all the other siblings are brothers, she could be the third child born, with seven younger brothers. I'm not saying that's the case, but we can't conclude she's the youngest from the information given.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Jane
Tue Feb 9, 2016 1:02 PM
LW1: It's your job to teach people how to treat you. They're only doing what you taught them. It's way past time to teach them something new.

Comment: #18
Posted by: Diana
Tue Feb 9, 2016 1:19 PM
LW1 - If things are as you say, you've spent too many years trying to be the good guy and not enough of them standing up for yourself. The weak ones tend to get picked on. It's not too late - send each of them an e-mail or call them and tell them you've had enough of listening to them trash-talk you all this time and no longer are willing to put up with their cr@p. In other words, you're disowning the whole bunch of them. Then follow through and find new "family" through good friends, church, whatever works for you.

@Patty Bear - how did you manage to get behind your sister while she was beating you up, so you could kick the back of her head? An inquiring mind wants to know.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Linda
Tue Feb 9, 2016 1:46 PM
L!1: I realize that there are always two or more sides to every letter. It could be that everyone but LW1 realizes that she's a jerk. But, honestly, I have little trouble believing that she is in a situation where her family and their friends have gotten used to trashing her. Maybe they've gotten into the mindset of "Well, we were only joking around!" Or it could just be that LW1 is the odd one out and just doesn't jive with the rest of her siblings.

Whatever the reason, LW1 has to realize that the ball is entirely in her court. The dynamic isn't going to change. She has to. I am one of those people who avoids confrontation at all cost... go ahead and call me a wimp. But if I were at a family get-together and someone said I was the loser of the family, I'd be gathering my things and leaving without a word. If your siblings all sat around and laughed at that, then all of the nicety stops. The money and time train stops. Calls go to voicemail.

LW1 doesn't say whether or not she has a husband and kids of her own. If she does, she should focus on them. If not, family is not about blood. It's time you dropped these people and started to build your own circle around you. Nobody is obligated to take abuse.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Datura
Tue Feb 9, 2016 4:02 PM
I'm the youngest of my sisters. I never had too much of a relationship with my oldest sister because she was several years older than me. The middle sister, however, is only two years older than me. All my life, she beat up on me. She made fun of me constantly and she likes to argue. Until our 30s and 40s , She still picked on me and still argued constantly. She just love to argue. About anything. I recall getting into fights over something as stupid as macaroni and cheese, peanut butter, you name it, she would argue with you. After many tearful holidays, I have decided I had enough. I cut off contact. I wouldn't accept her calls, I wouldn't respond to messages. Nothing. I had decided I wasn't going to take it anymore. My mother even begged me to get along with my sister. I told my mother, "I have no trouble getting along with her. She wants to argue and I don't. I'm too tired." She finally realized I meant business win after many years many tears and a lot of work, I finally succeeded in getting my PhD. I made an announcement on Facebook. She called me brokenhearted that I Hatten called her to tell her this wonderful news. And she realized, that I had meant it when I cut off all contact. We had a long talk, and she apologized profusely for acting the way that she had. Things were OK for a few years. I was still on my guard, however. I will say. I'm it was definitely better. Fast forward to a year ago, when my parents had their 50th wedding anniversary and we were invited to go on a cruise to Europe. It was just my dad, my mom, my sister, and me. More healing took place during that trip then any therapy could have done. My sister and I now have a wonderful relationship. All in all, it took me standing up and not taking it anymore.
Comment: #21
Posted by: DrCrisAngel
Tue Feb 9, 2016 5:19 PM
Doggone it. So many grammar (and at least one stupid autocorrect spelling) errors. Stupid thumb typing on iPhone. I beg pardon. I really do know better, I promise!
Comment: #22
Posted by: DrCrisAngel
Tue Feb 9, 2016 5:22 PM
Doggone it. So many grammar (and at least one stupid autocorrect spelling) errors. Stupid thumb typing on iPhone. I beg pardon. I really do know better, I promise!
Comment: #23
Posted by: DrCrisAngel
Tue Feb 9, 2016 5:22 PM
Doggone it. So many grammar (and at least one stupid autocorrect spelling) errors. Stupid thumb typing on iPhone. I beg pardon. I really do know better, I promise!
Comment: #24
Posted by: DrCrisAngel
Tue Feb 9, 2016 5:23 PM
Doggone it. So many grammar (and at least one stupid autocorrect spelling) errors. Stupid thumb typing on iPhone. I beg pardon. I really do know better, I promise!
Comment: #25
Posted by: DrCrisAngel
Tue Feb 9, 2016 5:23 PM
LW1 -
It doesn't matter how much money you give them, it will be grabbed and used, but not appreciated. And you can't buy people's love anyway, especially when they have no love in their heart to start with.

It doesn't matter how nice you are to them, in fact it makes it worse: people who are emotionally sadistic have nothing but contempt for niceness, which they perceive as weakness. You would have to be as catty as them, and then, PERHAPS you could have forced their respect, IF you had started with that at the outset - but after the present dynamics have been in place for so long, good luck with that.

You've already started in the right direction by limiting contact. Eventually, you should cut off contact altogether, because they're not going to change, regardless of what empty promises they start making, when they try to reel their designated scratching post back in.

This dynamic has been in place all your life, which explains why you're willing to turn yourself into a pretzel trying to win their love and approval. But this is not happening: this is the way they relate, the resident target practice is where your placve is in that family, and nothing will ever change. They're getting worse, you say? Well, of course they are - people are like wine: fine vintages mellow with age, cheap plonk turns to vinegar.

And BTW, since you seem to have been cast in the role of the scapegoat from Day One, I think you would need to explore a number of things with a professional, so that you learn to value yourself without your family's validation, and how to fight your own battles. You shouldn't be waiting for someone to "stand up for you", you should be able to do that for yourself.

P.S.: Hm, Annies? "Ask them to be more aware of the way they treat you"? She's already done that, and been told that she was being "too sensitive". People who shoot back this argument are perfectly aware of how hurtful they are being, that's why they're doing it. You evidently have zero experience with deliberate cruelty.

Comment: #26
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Feb 9, 2016 5:29 PM
Re: DrCrisAngel
Ben non, ben non, y a pas de probleme (tape-tape dans le dos). ;-D

Comment: #27
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Feb 9, 2016 5:32 PM
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