creators home lifestyle web
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar


Parenting Fail Dear Annie: My husband keeps telling our sons they can do whatever they want when I tell them "no," and that they don't need to listen to me. He is never on my side. The kids make fun of me and call me names, and Dad doesn't seem to care. When I …Read more. What Happens in the Massage Parlor Doesn't Always Stay in the Massage Parlor Dear Annie: Several years ago, I went to a massage parlor and paid a woman for sex. This same woman recently got a job in the office where I work. There are only nine employees. This is an unbelievable coincidence. We get along pretty well as co-…Read more. Protect Your Assets Dear Annie: My stepson, "Louis," is 45 years old, has been unemployed for the past 10 years (he never gets along with his bosses or co-workers) and got busted for DUI, for which he underwent court-appointed treatment and had his license revoked for …Read more. Bisexuality Is Not a Trip to Disneyland Dear Annie: I am 27 and am engaged to my 26-year-old fiancee. However, she recently told me about her college days, which included a lot of sex with both men and women, sometimes in groups. She said she really enjoyed it, but it is in the past. I …Read more.
more articles

Turning Bad Health Good with Diet and Exercise


Dear Annie: I would like to comment on Gail Rae-Garwood's letter about kidney disease.

I retired in 2010, and like a lot of retirees, I was complacent about my health. I had been taking insulin for my diabetes for 20 years and had high cholesterol and elevated blood pressure. I finally went in for my annual checkup and was shocked to learn that I had anemia and stage-three kidney failure.

I had no symptoms for the kidney failure, with the exception of being tired. I had always attributed that to my diabetes and my age (68). My doctor told me to diet and exercise, but it was up to me to take ownership of my health and be proactive. Nobody is going to do it for you.

To make a long story short, exercising and eating properly allowed me to lose 90 pounds. I reversed my cholesterol in three months and am off of medication. My diabetes went away in six months. In eight months, I reversed my kidney failure and am now completely normal. My BMI is in the healthy range. My wife has lost close to 100 pounds and reversed her thyroid sickness after being on medication for six years.

So please tell your readers to see their doctors regularly for blood and urine tests and to ask for a copy of the results. Take ownership of your health. Our successes have astonished our doctors. I thank God for waking us up. Now we hopefully will be around to see our grandchildren grow up. I will celebrate my 70th birthday this year and look forward to the new day. To our senior population, it is never too late to do something about your health. — Newbury Park, Calif.

Dear Newbury Park: You and your wife are an inspiration and proof that so much of our overall health is tied to our diet and exercise programs. Many things can be improved if we make the effort. Thank you for sharing your story. You rock.

Dear Annie: Please reconsider what constitutes pornography.

In my opinion, simply looking at nude bodies in magazines or on the Internet is not pornography. If it were, then some of the greatest works of art should be banned.

What I believe constitutes true pornography is viewing sexual acts or specific parts of the body in a sexual way. Also, you might consider the fact that many older men use milder forms of so-called porn (girlie magazines, for example) to "charge" their batteries, which can benefit their partners. If this helps them only at home, what is the crime? — Nude Bodies Are OK

Dear Nude: There is a difference between nudity as art and nudity for prurient purposes. And girlie magazines are fairly benign compared to what's on the Internet these days. Our problem is with the photos that demean or exploit women or airbrush them into such a state of perfection that men can no longer appreciate real women. And those are just the photographs.

But our concern is not about using pornography (of any type) to augment what goes on in the bedroom between consenting adults. It's when viewing pornography becomes addictive and interferes with intimacy in the marriage or leads to virtual affairs.

Dear Annie: Is there any chance that "Sick of Xenophobes" was working at my drive-thru window? I once gave my order through the speaker, and when the person repeated it back to me, I didn't understand a word of what was said. I repeated the order slowly and assumed it was what was repeated back to me, even though I couldn't make it out. But when I got home, there was nothing in the bag that I had ordered.

Perhaps the person with the thick accent had as much trouble understanding me as I did them. — Sorry Someone Was Rude to You

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at



52 Comments | Post Comment
LW1--Since I'm into recycling...While you're a special case of someone who actually cared enough about herself and her spouse to take action with regards to your weight, many people simply couldn't care less. They're lazy and undisciplined and can't be bothered to put down the cheeseburger. But, good for you!

LW2--Each of of the Annies (Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar) have obviously been set aside by their significant others in favor of porn due to the fact that they've either gained enough weight to qualify as Goodyear blimps or their attitudes with regards to men in general have relegated them to has-beens. In any case, they need enlightenment. In my view there is absolutely nothing wrong with viewing porn by any partner in a committed relationship so long as the porn doesn't replace intimacy between the partners.

LW3--Again with the recycling... Foreigners who speak English as a second language are a really easy scapegoat many for so called Americans who demand that everyone whose in America speak English. My problem with that is most Americans themselves have an appallingly poor grasp of English both speech and in writing. Moreover, speaking English is not only about using proper grammar. To use English effectively, you need to understand the culture in which it is spoken. So why is it that Americans have so much trouble understanding people who speak English as a second language? And what height of arrogance is it to assume that people learn English to speak only to Americans? The fact is that America has become culturally dominant through the media across the world. The American Dream has been packaged and repackaged and circulated through the world and the world has eagerly bought into it. In the process, the world has become familiar with the Americans and American culture, including its language peculiarities. But also in the process, America has become more insular and inward looking. Americans have become gradually more and more caught up in the idea that Americans want to hear about America; that everything important happens here first. Americans should reflect on these facts and if we're honest, then we will have much more compassion and patience for those who come into our country seeking the American Dream and try simply to communicate with us.

Annies...get some new material please!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Chris
Fri Apr 18, 2014 9:53 PM
There are so many tedious and outdated assumptions in the Annies' statements about pornography, it's hard to know where to begin.

A main problem in their thinking is that they assume that all pornography is heterosexual, and state that by definition it demeans women. They also assume that all pornography is aimed at heterosexual men.

A few facts:

• Some pornography is aimed at men. But some is aimed at women. Some is created by women.
• Lots of women watch and enjoy heterosexual pornography and find it arousing.
• Many (heterosexual) women watch gay pornography and find it arousing.
• Some gay men like watching lesbian pornography, explaining that they find it more erotic than gay male pornography.
• Some lesbians have stated that they watch and like gay male porn.
• Granted, the women in pornography all look like fashion models, and it would be unrealistic to compare them to the typical female. But the Annies are apparently not bothered by the fact that the men of porn tend to look like muscle magazine cover models, and have much larger "equipment" than most men, and are filmed in ways that make it appear that they have unbeliebable sexual stamina. It's curious that the Annies, who are so concerned about men getting misleading ideas about what women "should" be like from porn, appear to have no concerns at all about women (or men) getting misleading ideas about what men "should" be like. But then, their whole point is that nudity equals sexuality, and sexuality is a male thing that's inherently demeaning to women.

The other point that needs to be made is that the letter the LW was responding to was from a man whose wife had seen him glancing at a photo of some people on a nude beach. The Annies, in their answer, if I recall correctly, agreed with the befuddled man's assumption that he had "betrayed" his wife by looking at "porn." They had an opportunity in answering his letter to clarify that looking at nude bodies was not the same as looking at porn. Instead, they lectured him about "regaining his wife's trust" or some such garbage.
Comment: #2
Posted by: sarah morrow
Fri Apr 18, 2014 10:16 PM

LW1 refers to the first letter on 10 March 2014. LW3 refers to the second letter on 5 March 2014 (Sick of Xenophobes in Jeffersonville, Ind.), and was also discussed on 16 April 2014.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Fri Apr 18, 2014 10:35 PM
Hmmm. The ole pornography debate!

sarah morrow has it wrong about men in porn. Some of the most famous men in porn are horrendously ugly (ever seen Ron Jeremy or John Holmes?) and although I haven't watched their "work" it seems it's more about their ability to perform.

I guess my definition of porn is different because to me, many things, not even something "sexual" can be thought of as "porn" depending on the viewer. For example, to a person with a foot fetish, a shoe catalog may be thought of as erotic, but to most of us, we'd just look at it to find a pair of shoes. To a plastic surgeon, looking at augmented breasts naked may be more fascinating from a professional standpoint than a sexual one. For many WOMEN, the thing that entices us more is verbal/written than visual and there's no real restrictions there.

The definition of what is "porn" has been addressed by the Supreme Court many times (go watch the Larry Flynt movie). To me, the more important issue is how porn affects the RELATIONSHIP.

If ANYTHING affects the relationship between two people, it's time to address it. This applies to anything that we see here, including pornography.

FWIW, my opinion about women being exploited by pornography is similar to the Annies. When I lived in Japan, I saw so many young girls who were brought over from poorer countries who were completely exploited and abused. Many were in "paper marriages" with Japanese men who beat them and then forced them to perform sexual acts, both live on stage and on film. These were often girls who were even sold by their own families because the families were in poverty. So basically these girls were slaves of whoever sponsored them. Every time I would go to Immigration to renew my visa, I would see these girls with their "husbands" and you could just see the look of helplessness in their eyes.

To discuss pornography without addressing the exploitation of people (women in particular) is futile. Yes, I know that there is a "legitimate" pornography industry, but even THOSE people are sometimes exploited.

Comment: #4
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Apr 18, 2014 10:54 PM
I disagree with Chris.

Maybe it's because I live on the West Coast, and maybe it's because I've lived for extended periods of time overseas, but I think, by and large, most Americans are incredibly flexible with understanding English when spoken as a foreign language. Far more accepting of accents than say, those fabulous creatures known as the French.

I think the thing that bothers most Americans more is that many ethnic groups don't BOTHER to learn English at all! I grew up in Southern California and everything there is bilingual pretty much. Public schools in many areas (depending on the demographic) teach in both Spanish and English. Last time I went to the DMV I couldn't get a study handbook in English at all! Most groceries are labeled in Spanish and English and even some street signs are in both languages.

Living in Japan, I saw a lot of signs in English too, but I worked like a DOG to learn Japanese as fast as I could out of respect for my host country. At first, every time I spoke in Japanese, people would either laugh or not understand what I said (THAT was great for the ole ego, let me tell you!) and it took time to get to the point where people understood me and I felt comfortable enough to really hold a conversation. It was ironic, because I was teaching English there.

I appreciate the effort and I think if you are patient you can understand almost anybody, when it's face to face. But when it's on the phone (like the original LW) or it's in the situation described by this LW, yes, the accent makes a HUGE difference. Add to that the fact that many helpdesk people are located outside of the US and have "taken jobs away" from Americans (either real or perceived) and that's probably the reason that the original LW gets so much flack for his/her accent.
Comment: #5
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Apr 18, 2014 11:07 PM
LW1: Cool for you, and I'm glad that the changes you've made in your lifestyle have had such a wonderful effect on your overall health. But, Annies, please - this couple is not "proof" of anything; their story is anecdotal at best. Diabetes and kidney disease have complex causes and not everyone can "diet and exercise" their way to a cure. I think it's important to point this out, because a lot of people seem to be under the impression that these things are always always always caused by bad choices. Not true. Correlation does not equal causation. Even slender, athletic, health-conscious people get chronic diseases.
By the way, there's growing evidence to suggest that the lifestyle-change cure isn't permanent anyway, especially for insulin-dependent diabetics. Something like 50% eventually get it back within 5 years, and at 10 years, it jumps to 90%. Food for thought.
Comment: #6
Posted by: outoutout
Sat Apr 19, 2014 12:05 AM
LW1: outoutout, the LW had problems other than just the diabetes, though -- and frankly eating better and exercising regularly are pretty much *always* good things for our bodies. I think the letter is good for at least one thing -- a reminder that getting physically active and eating healthier can be beneficial at any age and is a worthwhile pursuit.

LW2: The Annies get it wrong about pornography yet again, although this time isn't quite as egregious as some of their previous. It's clear, though, that they can't get beyond their rather narrow-minded and outdated view of porn - a limitation that prevents them from being able to see that porn can be more than what they've been trained to see it as. Just like anything else, "exploitation" is in the eye of the beholder, and it's an easy (and lazy) accusation to toss around.

Of course there are circumstances were true exploitation of the photographic subject occurs, but that also happens in non-pornographic contexts, so its not really pertinent to use it as an attack on porn itself (otherwise one would simply call for an end to all photography, period, since any photography can be exploitative). But it's the combination of sexuality and exploitation that tends to have people up in arms, and in order not to sound "sex-negative" the Annies focus on the exploitation even though it's pretty obvious that's *not* the real issue they have with pornography. (And just the fact that talk about "nudity for prurient purposes" is a dead giveaway here).

In any event, I think Chris has it more right than the Annies -- if the porn isn't *replacing* intimacy between partners, than there's no problem -- and it doesn't *matter* how frequently the porn is viewed at all. ("Porn addiction" is one of the most ridiculous pop-psychology pseudoscientific nonsense phrases to come out in the last decade or so.)

LW3: I think you can have two native English speakers communicating through those hideous drive-through speaker systems and *still* not understand each other. The low quality of those systems hasn't changed much since the 1970s.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Mike H
Sat Apr 19, 2014 4:55 AM
LW3 It amazes me in this day and age that the speakers at fast food establishments are so awful. Even a perfect English speaker has a hard time making him/herself understood through the static and muffled sound. I haven't been on an airplane in several years. It used to be the same for the speakers on airplanes.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Rozelle
Sat Apr 19, 2014 5:51 AM
The porn issue again !
I think that the Annies are wrong about porn. Chris and Mike seem to have it right ... "if the porn isn't *replacing* intimacy between partners, then there's no problem -- and it doesn't *matter* how frequently the porn is viewed at all."
Women too enjoy looking at pictures and movies, but they also like "hot" books, which warm them up. Women like to read, and men like to look. Neither is wrong, just different. Some women just don't get this, or don't want to get it.
Women pose for profit. Yes, there are some women who are exploited in the world, and abuse is wrong in any form. But most pictures available have nothing to do with abuse. The women choose to do this.
Regardless, some women won't accept this no matter what ... but it's the way the world is, and what men want, no matter how they feel, so they should stop being so hung up on this. My wife and I both look at what we want, and we have a terrific sex life.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Dave Galino
Sat Apr 19, 2014 5:56 AM
LW1 - I think it's great what you and wife did for your health but this line had be scratching my head - " My wife has lost close to 100 pounds and reversed her thyroid sickness" When you say "thyroid sickness" do you mean hypothyroidism? I wonder because I have that, have had it for years and it runs in my family and I was told that, no matter what you do, you cannot "cure" it. Your thyroid gland simply does no produce enough hormones for a normal and healthy level so you have to take a daily hormone pill to get your levels to normal and healthy. Perhaps you meant some sort of other sicknes.

LW2 - Like the Annies said, nudity in art is not the same as pornography. You cannot compare "Bather" by Renoir to a woman spread eagle in Playboy and licking her lips. Anybody who would get turned on by a nude work of art has problems, imo.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Michelle
Sat Apr 19, 2014 7:10 AM
To Chris and Mike H and all others concerned with LW2: this is the Annies main point:"But our concern is not about using pornography (of any type) to augment what goes on in the bedroom between consenting adults. It's when viewing pornography becomes addictive and interferes with intimacy in the marriage or leads to virtual affairs."
Whatever they define as porn is not really relevant. They are mostly concerned, as I perceive it, with how it may affect relationships.
And throwing personal insults at someone in order to discredit their opinions? How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Please, let's just discuss their ideas and not the people.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Joyce Baskind
Sat Apr 19, 2014 7:35 AM
Re LW#1------
Wow!!!! Didn't know any of this------that if you just eat healthy and exercise, you can cure just about anything------kidney failure, diabetes, thyroid disorders-------what about cancer, I wonder. I shall start suggesting that to people I meet.
LW, thank you for telling us something nobody knew------that it's good to eat healthy, control your weight, and exercise. I think you have changed the lives of thousands of people with your PSA today.
Comment: #12
Posted by: jennylee
Sat Apr 19, 2014 7:55 AM
LW3 - May I suggest you get your hearing tested?

My brother-in-law, who, by the way, is CEO of five companies and makes 10 million a year, had the same problem. He had trouble understanding New Canadian at the drive-thru. I suggested that he get his hearing tested, and he threatened to hit me! Me, who has lived in 7 different countries! Eventually, he took my advice, and low and behold, he can understand the New Canadians now! Oh, I forgot to mention my perfect son, who has an IQ of 155 - he actually owns some internet companies, too! Isn't that marvelous? Now, all of you people have a wonderful day!
Comment: #13
Posted by: Barbara B.
Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:10 AM
Re LW#2----
The LW started off asking for a definition, then at the end he veered off a bit into 'when is it OK''?
He didn't really get an answer as to what it is, because there isn't really a definition. (Obviously, it's not nudity alone, though there are people who will insist it is. They are hopeless, so let's not bother about them.) Porn is defined by the eye of the person looking at it, so there are as many different opinions as to what's acceptable as there are people. (Someone once told me that if you couldn't comfortably show it to your grandma, it's porn. Not sure about that, as many grandmas are prudes------and then there was my grandma, who probably wouldn't have batted an eye.)
Second part of the answer-------when is it OK-------I think should be if it doesn't involve any unconsenting adults, or any minors; if it doesn't become an obsession to the extent of its crowding out 'real' relationships; and if it doesn't give the viewer the idea that this is how things 'really' are and cause them to expect the same from their partner, or to be disappointed if the partner can't produce that. (Nothing wrong with getting ideas from it and trying them with a consenting partner, though.)
Otherwise, anything goes, I think. If something spices up your sex life, great. If your spouse is offended by it, watch it in private and don't tell them. (Mostly I'm all for total honesty and disclosure, but sometimes porn is a really sensitive subject.) I don't think not telling is harmful to the marriage, though if you don't hide it well enough and it gets discovered, THAT might cause something to hit the fan. So if you choose the secrecy route, be careful.
A boss I had once told me about the time his wife (a prude if you ever saw one) came across, while 'cleaning their teenage son's room', otherwise known as 'snooping', his stash of Playboys and came to him in a panic wondering what to do about it. She told him to talk to the son, and he said "Guess what I told him? I said, son, for God's sake, find a better hiding place for those." They 'disappeared', and everybody was happy.
And whatever you do, don't make your spouse feel he/she is lacking in appeal to you because the person in the video looks 'better'). Speaking as a woman, that's a big part of the problem-----feeling that you can never compete with that woman he's watching on-screen. Keep making her feel loved and desired, even if you have just secretly watched a smutty tape to get turned on. (And whoever said that for women, the bodice-ripper romance novels are just as much a turn-on for them, was right. So women, I guess, if those paperbacks bother your mate, hide them.)
Comment: #14
Posted by: jennylee
Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:22 AM
Re LW#3-----
I also am inclined to think the problem was the poor quality of the speaker, not of the worker's English. Don't really know, of course.
Now let me tell you all how I have solved the problem of the faulty drive-thru speaker: I park my car in the parking lot, get off my duff, and walk into the building to order. I am face-to-face with the person taking my order, not with a speaker. Then when I get it, I check it for accuracy, walk back to my car, and drive away.
And I'm actually solving several problems by doing it that way--------because I think that the exercise I get from walking in rather than staying sitting in the car to order is helping me; my body fat is melting away even as I eat the double cheeseburger and jumbo fries; still waiting for the diabetes to subside, but it'll happen, I know, because my blood pressure is already lower than it used to be. And the arthritis? Completely gone. An added bonus------as of last check-up, I had NO cavities--------and my formerly crooked teeth have begun to straighten themselves, thus no need to spend thousands on braces. I recommend my approach to everyone reading this. I think the Annies would concur.
Comment: #15
Posted by: jennylee
Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:40 AM
LW1: Kudos to LW1 and his wife. If they each lost around 100 pounds, they were morbidly obese, which can cause all kinds of health problems. It's true that not every disease can be cured by losing weight and increasing fitness, but if you are that overweight, losing weight is ALWAYS going to help, and for diseases like diabetes and high blood pressure it can be a cure, or at least a way to lower drug dosages. The argument of "it doesn't cure everything, why bother" is just a mental excuse to not even try.

LW2: I'm with the folks who say that there's exploitation in many industries (those cheap clothes you are wearing might have been made by slave labor) and the real issue is whether porn is impacting the relationship.
Comment: #16
Posted by: dave
Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:44 AM
Re: Chris comment #1

You wrote: "Foreigners who speak English as a second language are a really easy scapegoat many for so called Americans who demand that everyone whose in America speak English. My problem with that is most Americans themselves have an appallingly poor grasp of English both speech and in writing."

The "whose" in the first sentence should be "who is" or "who's". Thus, you have illustrated the point in your second sentence very well.
Comment: #17
Posted by: p
Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:45 AM
To the posters who refuse to see that exploitation is a BIG part of the porn industry:

Do what you have to do to justify your behavior. But you know that the exploitation is out there and don't try to tell me you don't.

Barbara, hope you have a lovely day as well!

Jennylee, I like your last paragraph of making sure that spouse/SOs need to feel that they aren't competing with an impossible standard. This has gotten out of control in our society and not just in pornography. There is a letter over at Dear Abby today from a guy who is worried about how to propose to his girlfriend without a ring (she wants to design her own). My first thought was how SAD that a proposals are now becoming a contest with all the youtube videos, etc. and they are not focused on the real issue which is two people building a life together.

When we start expecting reality to be on the same par as fantasy, it's never good. Whether it's with your sex life, or with your wedding proposal, or even your appearance, you can't believe the hype. I think you bring up an excellent point.
Comment: #18
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:45 AM
@Joyce, no personal insults in my comment at all, so I'm confused by what you are referring to.

But to follow up, it's this idea of "porn addiction" that itself is nonsense -- there's no such thing, not as a true "addiction". It's a made up term by people who think that there's a certain (usually quite limited) amount of porn use that is "acceptable". It's still a "sex-negative" dog-whistle, basically. And they are still essentially objecting to "nudity for prurient purposes", which, again, is a description, a formulation, that isn't particular neutral, you know?

That's the problem I have with this response from the Annies -- while trying to appear somewhat "okay", they're still using terms about porn that make it crystal clear what they *really* think. And the only proper porn use they see is to "augment what goes on in the bedroom". What if it has nothing to do with what goes on in the bedroom, but still doesn't interfere with what goes on in the bedroom?

This is one of those areas in which some stereotyped generalizations about the differences between men and women aren't unreasonable to think about (even though there will also be outliers and variations from the norm). The Annies are speaking about porn from a purely female perspective with (apparently) very little understanding of what porn really means, and what it really is, for most men. As such, their perspective isn't really going to be very helpful in bridging any gaps of understanding, because they really are fairly dismissive of the male perspective here. (And, to be fair, many women also disagree with their stance on porn, so it's really kind of an "old-fashioned" female view of porn).

Ultimately, my problem with answers like the Annies gave is there's still an attempt at shaming hidden not very subtly within the subtext of their response.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Mike H
Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:51 AM
Nanchan - Yes, there's exploitation in the porn industry. Also in the garment industry. And the food industry. Gemstones are used to finance warlords in Africa. Have you verified that the clothes you are wearing weren't produced by slave labor in China? That the food wasn't harvested by children forced to work in the fields? Why the focus on porn? Other than you don't like it?
Comment: #20
Posted by: dave
Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:53 AM
@ p Re: #17

Thank you for pointing out my grammatical error. We can't all be perfect. :-)
Comment: #21
Posted by: Chris
Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:54 AM
Re: nanchan #18
Thank you.
I saw that letter too, and it's always been a sore spot with me------that a proposal has to be anything more than just one person saying "Will you marry me?" and the other person saying "Yes, I will." You pick out the ring later, both of you together, after agreeing what amount is reasonable to spend-------if you even want a ring. Some people don't, though they are in the minority.
Of course, my feeling on that also extends to the wedding part, and hardly anyone agrees with me on that-------I think a wedding is an unnecessarily stressful event that turns whole families against each other from fighting over stupid details, and I would no more spend tens of thousands of dollars on one than I would flush that same amount down the toilet. Tiny wedding, with justice of the peace, or if you really want the church wedding, ask your IMMEDIATE family (both sets of parents, maybe siblings), or your closest friend. Then take that money you saved and buy a house. Or a car. Or pay down your college loans. Or, if you want just something that gives you great memories, rather than something you can lay your hand on several years later, a fabulous honeymoon.
Obviously, hardly anyone agrees with me-------don't care. Just don't want to ever have to listen to the complaining of, or problems of, the soon-to-be-married couple------I tend to be very unsympathetic, with a "You chose it, go deal with it" approach.
Comment: #22
Posted by: jennylee
Sat Apr 19, 2014 9:04 AM
Barbara #13: Gold.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Jpp
Sat Apr 19, 2014 9:30 AM
Re: Jpp #23 Tin.
Comment: #24
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Apr 19, 2014 9:53 AM
Re: dave

I think your post is quite possibly the most ignorant I've seen here in a long time, but here goes.

You forget that pornography is a permanent record of sexual activity, and like it or not, there are still people out there who think that pornography is immoral. I know I know, not everyone is as progressive as you are.

When a girl is seduced by the money into doing a porno (and I'm not even going to address the multitudes of girls who are drugged and don't even really know what they are doing and YES it happens), her face and body is immortalized on film and in print for the rest of her life. Do you read the news dave? Have you heard of Traci Lords? What about the multitudes of teachers who have been FIRED because they did a porn movie ten years ago and suddenly "someone" in the school finds it and they now find that money was more expensive than they thought.

I know I'll be fighting a losing battle here, and frankly don't care. You all go back to your porn and justify the system that takes advantage of youth and stupidity. But to equate it with a sweat shop is wrong. Those people aren't labeled as sleazy or immoral for the rest of their lives. They are performing honest labor and it's sociatlly acceptable. Porn is NOT, no not even in the town you live in dave. Can you tell us your real name and what porn movie you appeared in? Then maybe I'll take that post seriously.
Comment: #25
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:05 AM
and a final note, because I have a lot to do today.

dave, I'll bet you are a lot like the hypocrites here who scream about certain people's right to free speech and then actively go out and attack people for having opinions that aren't currently in fashion. I'll bet YOU scream and "boycott" Walmart and whatever is De Cause de Jour and then go home and watch a porno movie with your wife and don't bother to find out where the film was made or what the actors were paid or if they were taking STD tests or fill in the blank.

Because it's HIP to get all up in arms about De Cause de Jour, but it's not responsible to realize you yourself are probably inadvertently doing exactly what you are screaming about.

Think about that for awhile.
Comment: #26
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:14 AM
Re: nanchan's

YOU know nothing about the sex industry. Go to a convention sometime, talk to the girls. They don't feel feel ashamed and aren't labeled as sleazy sluts right now - let alone the rest of their lives. And they aren't all young, stupid and exploited.

Some of them are, and that's very sad. It's sad whenever anyone is exploited for anything. But the entire porn industry is not to that, and I'm not sure why you seem convinced that it is. Maybe it is in Japan, I don't know.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:21 AM
Haha, nanchan, you sound crazy today, like a middle-aged pastor's wife who thinks having sex without your socks followed by a three-hour apology to god, and for anything other than procreation, is a sin.

And you know what? There was a time when people could be fire from their jobs because their boss found out they were gay. Does that mean that being gay is wrong, or does it maybe mean that we could loosen up on porn? These women and men having nothing to be ashamed of, except for people like you who go around telling them they are exploited, abused, beaten and drugged and will be fired from any legitimate jobs they ever get. Lollll.

Think about that for a while.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:26 AM
Also, I don't get why people are confused on art vs porn. Porn is made exclusively for people to get sexually aroused by. Art is made for appreciation of the piece. You can have porn without nudity and art with nudity.

And there can be some crossover between the two genres but 99% of the time you can tell right off the bat if you're looking at porn or art.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:31 AM
lw1- It was very nice to read an uplifting letter today. Yes, it is stuff everyone should already know and be doing, but it is nice to read something where someone is not complaining and where people are happy. Thanks for that. It brightened my day a bit.

lw2- Well, what some people consider porn, others don't. I consider porn anything where a sex act is being done. But others have a stricter or more liberal definition than me. Well, I am sure this is no surprise from yesterday's posts, but no, I do not like porn. I disagree with porn for the same reasons I disagree with prostitution, and really all industry porn is, is a legal form of prostitution. But porn is legal, so I just tolerate and deal with it cause oh well, it is legal and definitely not going anywhere. I'm definitely in the minority on not liking it though, cause most people I know love porn. And porn has probably saved more marriages than it destroyed, cause I know a lot of people who use it to keep that spark and fire in the bedroom. That is the main reason my tolerance of porn is borderline acceptance, cause of the huge number of people I know who have used it to save their marriage.

My husband loves his porn. He was like that when I met him and he will probably be like that when he is 100. I let him watch his porn- and I use the term 'let' cause I could be like the rest of the women in his family and mine. I could chew him out about porn every time he watches it and shame him every time I find evidence of it. It seems the men in our families are bad at hiding their porn. So I let him watch his porn without shaming him over it on the condition that he does not watch it around me and clears the web browser so I am not redirected to his sexy time sites. But since porn IS legal, then as a grown man it is his freedom to do it without any shame. No one should have to lie to their partners and do it in shame, if what they are doing is legal and does not harm their partner or family.

Plus people viewing porn do not actually participate in the sex act, so that is the main reason I am okay with my husband viewing porn. I had to ask him to cut back his viewing though. It was making him come on to me EVERY day, and I just cannot keep up with that. Between the house and baby, I do not have that kind of stamina. But I disagree with the Annies that all porn stars have unrealistic bodies. With the internet and cameras, anyone with the two can be a porn star and just not get paid, so you see all types of bodies on the internet. The only thing unrealistic is the type of positions the guys will expect you to get in, cause not all woman are that flexible.

This is where it comes to a head- You can either accept the person as they are, and the fact they like something you do not, or you can make both of your lives miserable by shaming them over it. If you love the person, you will take the first option. There is one soft core porn I do like though: playboy and playgirl. The models are always made up very pretty, and in very artistic poses. And the articles are always very enlightening and tastefully written. I like how they make the girls so beautiful and artistic, and yes, I prefer playboy to playgirl and have only seen playgirl once. I don't really consider Booby magazines porn cause they are just modeling.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Sun
Sat Apr 19, 2014 10:58 AM
I cannot understand the people on the drive thru speaker even when they speak perfect english cause of the static, and I worked in drive thru as a teen and it is hard to understand anyone over their car's engine, especially the loud dieseling trucks. Those really hurt your ear. I have hearing loss in my left ear from wearing the drive thru head set specifically from the loud vehicles blaring over the speaker as a teen. If I had known as a teen the company would have had to compensate me for the loss, I would have asked for compensation, but I guess that is why the drive thru person is usually a kid, so the company won't have to compensate. It probably had more to do with your loud engine than your accent, but yes, accents would make it even harder.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Sun
Sat Apr 19, 2014 11:02 AM
LW2 -- Geeez what in the world does Kathy and Marcy think? "men can no longer appreciate real women" What is a "real woman"? I don't think to many men "appreciate" overweight women. Why should they when the woman don't appreciate herself. And I agree with Chris about viewing porn.
Comment: #32
Posted by: J
Sat Apr 19, 2014 11:14 AM
Re: Sun #30
"But I disagree with the Annies that all porn stars have unrealistic bodies. With the internet and cameras, anyone with the two can be a porn star and just not get paid, so you see all types of bodies on the internet."
Yes, because, as you said, there are a lot of home-grown videos out there. The professional ones though (the two or three I've seen, one of the local TV channels used to show "adult movies" after midnight and the ex-LOML occasionally watched), show women with a huge boumboum, huge tits and a minuscule waist. Worse than the Barbie proportions. And the men are all hung like a horse - that is definitely a MALE fantasy, most women don't want, need or even like a man with a baseball bat in his pants. It's probably all photoshopped, just like the pictures in girlie magazines and fashion glossies.

Kudos for your "near acceptance" stance... wisdom is working on what you can change, accepting what you cannot, and making the difference between the two. I myself have no hatred towards the genre, but porn doesn't do anything for me and I'm not in the least attracted.

Comment: #33
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Apr 19, 2014 11:30 AM
Zoe, I knew you'd get all your hair in a twist and saw that you posted twice. Sorry, I won't bother to read your posts, because you and LIse and on my "no read" list.

You are an amoral woman who I don't respect at ALL and never will.

Have a great Saturday, CUPCAKE!
Comment: #34
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Apr 19, 2014 11:46 AM
Nanchan #25: thanks, I feel honored. It's difficult to be the best (well, maybe the worst in this case) and the fact that you've singled me out as having the most ignorant post in the history of this board means something to me. Especially coming from you :)
Comment: #35
Posted by: dave
Sat Apr 19, 2014 12:00 PM
Re: Sun #30
Sun, I'd like to say that I admire the way you posted on the porn thing. You just state your views, you don't call names or put someone down for not agreeing with you, nor do you call them stupid and accuse them of being perverted, or ignorant, or immoral, or hypocritical, or of being in porn movies themselves.
And you don't attack others' posts, and the posters themselves, while claiming to not be reading them. And you stay to support your beliefs, not post and then say "Well, gotta be going, I have IMPORTANT things to do".
We've been mostly peaceful here for awhile, it was really nice.
Comment: #36
Posted by: jennylee
Sat Apr 19, 2014 12:21 PM
Re: jennylee
With regard to your post #12, why are you being such a bitch? Your comments are usually nice and insightful. The truth is, jennylee, we all know what we should be doing, but it is not always easy to face your demons, whether it is cupcakes, marijuana or wine. Lighten up on LW1. They have found a healthy path and I applaud them for that.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Carly O
Sat Apr 19, 2014 12:21 PM
Yes and then nanchan came back.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Carly O
Sat Apr 19, 2014 12:27 PM
Re: Carly O #37
I guess partly because I hate it when people who have found an answer for their own problem with a specific method presume to tell others, especially via an advice column, what those others should do; and partly because I don't believe their claims that what they did cured kidney disease and thyroid disorders. I'm good with what they did, I think it is great.
But you're right, I could have been a bit less sarcastic. Sorry about that--------it's a sensitive thing with me, I guess, because when I WAS overweight I got so sick of people giving me advice------"Just do as I do, and you'll be OK." I know what I did to get things under control, but I never presume to tell anyone else, when they're not asking anyone for advice, how they should manage their health problems. (BTL is fair game, I guess, because even though the LWs are not specifically asking ME, they ARE asking.)
But I'll try to tone it down, it probably was a bit over the top. I do NOT want to be regarded here as a bitch, I don't like them myself.
Comment: #39
Posted by: jennylee
Sat Apr 19, 2014 12:38 PM
I work with mostly Spanish speakers in Southern California. My Spanish is quickly improving, since I'm the one giving the crew supervisor instructions, and I can generally get my point across to my ladies. The hilarity ensues when I try to use an idiom and can't think how to say it any other way. Most recently in trying to figure out how to tell my supervisor that we needed to send some people to help another crew in the back left corner of the site. My translation was: la parte posterior izquierda (the left butt part), it should have been la parte de atras izquierda (the back left). Oops. *Technically* I was right, that's sort of the right thing, but it's not how they say it. She gave me a very weird look and then tried to figure out what I meant. My point is that trying to translate a different language that you're ok at, but not completely lingual in is really hard on the fly, and it's even harder when the translation is only technically correct. Cut people some slack.
Comment: #40
Posted by: wyn667
Sat Apr 19, 2014 1:05 PM
@nanchan, despite your rant (and your gratuitous insult), dave is exactly right -- there's exploitation up and down the commercial chain in pretty much every industry. You gloss over it because YOU don't want to think too carefully about it either -- because you're just as guilty of supporting exploitation and you don't want to admit it or cop to it, because you're focused so narrowly on porn.

And again, you can't seem to find a way to make your points without insults, snarkiness, and belittling of others. It's incredibly hypocritcal for you to call out others on the way they post when you are consistently insulting or belittling others needlessly.

Either your argument stands on its own merits without all the nastiness, nanchan, or maybe you don't actually have legit arguments at all. (The fact that you so often rely on ad hominem attacks rather than logic or facts is certainly questionable).
Comment: #41
Posted by: Mike H
Sat Apr 19, 2014 1:30 PM
@jennylee, no worries, you rarely cross that line and you've shown yourself to be a true adult by actually acknowledging it and apologizing for it.

This is a medium in which people often feel free to just hammer away at people, going back and forth just to "Get to be right" regardless of how insulting and mean they can be, so I really and truly want to give you huge amounts of credit for your post #39, I think it speaks very highly of your character.

Fact is, we're all human, and all of us sometimes behave in ways we shouldn't, or wish we wouldn't have. But being able to take the feedback you got and actually ramp *down* the heat, that's setting a great example we could all use from time to time.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Mike H
Sat Apr 19, 2014 2:19 PM
LW2: Wow. You've really got a screwed up mindset on pornography. It's not illegal and it's not a sin. You don't need to feel dirty because you enjoy it. Please try evolving.

Comment: #43
Posted by: Diana
Sat Apr 19, 2014 2:21 PM
@Sun, I'd also like to echo jennylee's comments -- I appreciate your point of view even if we've come out on different sides of some issues, and I appreciate the way you present yourself as well.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Mike H
Sat Apr 19, 2014 2:24 PM
Re LW1: Instead of just saying "go exercise" I'm going to share a trick I used today to get myself to the gym.

I knew I ought to go, but I really just didn't want to. My gym happens to be near where I had to shop. So I just decided to bring my gym bag. I didn't have to work out, I was just giving myself the opportunity. And when I got to the turnoff for the gym, I just turned. No pain, just making a turn in my car. And then I was at the gym, so I might as well go in. And then, what do you know, I'm at my locker, I'll change, and next thing you know, I'm on a machine. I really didn't know until THAT MOMENT that I was going to work out.

It's a bit of a Jedi mind trick that you can play on yourself... that voice in your head that is screaming "I don't want to work out!" never gets a chance to get going, because you've never decided that you are working out, until you are on the treadmill or the bike.
Comment: #45
Posted by: dave
Sat Apr 19, 2014 3:12 PM
Re: dave
I hate going to the gym and will only lift weights when I'm there, but have no problem getting myself to the pool or riding my bike or cross-country skiing. I think people are more likely to do activities that they enjoy and this is the key to being active for a lifetime. Riding a stationary bike to nowhere or running on a treadmill... bleah.
Like Michelle, I'm a little sceptical of some of the claims made by LW1. I have a hypothyroid condition and no amount of exercise is going to make my thyroid gland produce more hormone. Kidney disease is also unlikely to be cured by diet and exercise. Perhaps someone who exercises might drink more water than someone who doesn't, that's the only way I can think of that exercise could prevent it.
Comment: #46
Posted by: Seabeast2
Sat Apr 19, 2014 5:05 PM
Re: Sun

I also disagree that porn stars have unrealistic bodies. In some cases it is true, but you see all kinds and frankly I find the bodies portrayed in porn are usually MORE realistic than the ones we see in magazines and on the runway.

And anyway, I have yet to meet a guy who said "well I appreciate that you're willing to sleep with me but you know I think I'll have to turn you down because you have cellulite on your ass". Guys aren't stupid. They know what's realistic and what's not, just as I know that a 9" penis isn't realistic.

Re: nanchan

I know you read my posts because otherwise you wouldn't know that I don't agree with you!

Re: jennylee

I think you're one of the last people here I'd ever call a bitch!
Comment: #47
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Apr 19, 2014 5:09 PM
@ Seabeast 2------
Me too, I know I won't keep at it unless it's something I like. I used to love walking, but sometimes my asthma gets bad now with no warning, and I get caught a mile from home-----not fun. So I get on my treadmill, open all the windows so I get the fresh air, put in a DVD of something I REALLY like, or some good music, and get going, and it's OK once I start.
And Zoe-----thank you, but I CAN be a bitch sometimes, and after I re-read my post, it was unnecessarily bitchy. Didn't agree with what they claim happened as a result of their dieting and exercising, but they sent it in the spirit of helpfulness, I guess. (Plus, you know how I am about what I think of as PSAs, they sometimes set me off.) I know others like them, it's just me, I guess. Anyway, I could have said what I said and still been nicer.
Comment: #48
Posted by: jennylee
Sat Apr 19, 2014 5:47 PM
Re Seabeast: I definitely agree that the key is finding something you enjoy doing, whether it's swimming, tennis, bicycling, etc. I enjoy running but my joints just won't let me run as much as I used to. I got into doing cardio at the gym after an injury when I couldn't run at all. I can't work out for a long period of time on a machine but for half an hour or so it's fine. Being surrounded by fit women wearing what appears to be lingerie helps (yes, yes, oink, oink, sorry!).

As far as exercise helping diseases, it may not directly cure diseases, but if you are 100 lbs overweight and you can barely make it up a flight of stairs, your organs probably aren't getting enough oxygen. The body isn't just a collection of parts, it's a single organism, and my belief is that strengthening the core of the body and providing more oxygen and waste removal to the entire body has got to help, even if only to slow the progress of other diseases.

Comment: #49
Posted by: dave
Sat Apr 19, 2014 6:12 PM
thank you to jennylee and mike h. I was busy today with visiting family for easter weekend, so sorry for the late post, but a happy early easter to all.
Comment: #50
Posted by: Sun
Sat Apr 19, 2014 6:59 PM
Nanchan, your "facts" about pornography are decades out of date. Back in our grandmothers' day, what you wrote was true enough. Men in porn were expected to be fat and frumpy. The thinking was that men watching the movies would "relate" because they were probably fat and frumpy too. That changed almost thirty years ago. The men in today's pornographic movies are expected to have magnificent bodies and be amazingly well endowed.

Why did things change? Several reasons:

1) the videos sold better when the actors (of both sexes) were better looking.
2) the producers eventually learned that a lot of women were also watching pornography, and didn't want to look at ugly men.
3) gay porn became more popular and mainstream, and since men are visually oriented, gay men like their porn stars good looking. And that influenced straight porn a great deal, due to the "gay for pay" phenomenon.
Comment: #51
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sat Apr 19, 2014 7:32 PM
Re: Zoe #47
"I find the bodies portrayed in porn are usually MORE realistic than the ones we see in magazines and on the runway."
That's not hard, the bodies you see in magazines are all airbrushed and photoshopped to death, they don't exist in real life. As for the ones on the runway, they are constructs articifially obtained through starvation and extreme exercise.

@Dave #49
"I enjoy running but my joints just won't let me run as much as I used to."
Just tonight as I was working around the house I was listening to a documentary magazine, and one of the features was how to avoid injuries when running. Among oher things, it said a lot of people run too much on the heel, and not enough on the foot, and that is a big cause of "the runner's knee". Too bad it was in French, I'm sure you can view it on the CBC website.

Comment: #52
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:07 PM
Already have an account? Log in.
New Account  
Your Name:
Your E-mail:
Your Password:
Confirm Your Password:

Please allow a few minutes for your comment to be posted.

Enter the numbers to the right: comments policy
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Apr. `14
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa
30 31 1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 1 2 3
About the author About the author
Write the author Write the author
Printer friendly format Printer friendly format
Email to friend Email to friend
View by Month