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The Woman Who Mistook Her Sinkhole For A Boyfriend
The Woman Who Mistook Her Sinkhole For A Boyfriend
I'm thinking of postponing my wedding. My fiance seems incapable of being apart from me. We dated long distance, so I didn't realize the extent of his clinginess until we moved in together. If I want some "me time," he gets offended. If I don't stand or sit next to him or cuddle with him, he claims I don't like him. If I eat lunch with a friend instead of him (as I do daily), he's upset. Even when we spend time with my family, there are repercussions (moping and drama when we get home). I do try to take his upbringing into consideration. His parents divorced when he was 9, and neither wants much to do with him or his brother. Initially, I found his behavior sweet...as in, "How cute that my fiance wants to come with me to the grocery store or to buy shoes," but now I'm thinking, "Hey, Crazy, calm down, I'll see you tonight, and I can go to the store without you." — Smothered
Even an emotionally together person can feel a little pang when their partner's going away for a time — like, to Europe for a week, not to Rite-Aid for a box of tampons.
Other women betray their partners by having illicit sex. You only have to have illicit lunch (eat a burger with somebody who isn't him). Grab a little alone time, and it's like you're slutting around on him — with yourself. For him and his unresolved issues, every day is the first day of nursery school: "Mommeeee, don't leave meee!" On the plus side, he's probably potty-trained to the point where he wears boxers instead of Huggies Pull-Ups.
You might end up giving birth to a clingy child, but you sure shouldn't marry one. In a healthy relationship, two fully functioning adults come together; they aren't bolted together. They stay together because they love each other — meaning they respect and admire each other, have more fun together, and are better together than alone. What you have isn't love, but a guy dressing up pathological need in a love suit and manipulating you with cuddly-wuddly coerciveness: "Just stay and snuggle — or I'll pout till the end of time." You've got a choice: live with constant conflict or avoid seeing your family and friends — or doing anything that'll trigger his abandonment issues, like going to the mailbox or the ladies' room.
Hang with crazy long enough, and it can start to seem normal — to the point where you're only thinking of postponing your wedding instead of mapping out routes to flee. Even if your fiance wanted to change (and it seems he hasn't yet been motivated), he isn't going to become a full, independent person in six months or a year. It's probably tempting to try to make it work and make allowances for his past, but just picture yourself once his neediness has not only the force of habit from your putting up with it, but a state license behind it. Sure, you can always get divorced — that is, if you can figure out the combination to get out the front door.
Single Trite Female
In February, I discovered my girlfriend was cheating on me with her millionaire ex. I told him, and he told her to beat it. She tried to patch things up with him, but couldn't, and came back to me two months ago, saying she loves me and wants to marry me. But I've started catching her in lies again. For example, she said she'd be studying at home, but she wasn't answering her phone (rare for her). I dropped by at 10, and she wasn't there. This was just two days after she took me to dinner and told me, "One day the world will be ours!" What gives? What alternatives do I have besides ending it? — Scammed
Good thing you're not on the parole board. You'd only need to hear a guy talk like a motivational poster — "Good is its own reward!" "Tomorrow is a brand new day!" — and you'd campaign for the release of some serial killer who kept all his dates in jars in his basement. Of course you want to believe your girlfriend's "One day the world will be ours!" but she has yet to show herself to be ethical, and it's wildly unlikely she'll become ethical now. What alternatives do you have besides ending it? Well, you could stick around and be lied to, cheated on, and placated with aphorisms: "Our love is here to stay!" (As long as you don't call or come by after 10.) "Our love is like a rose!" Well, okay, we'll give her that one — in that it has something in common with getting stuck with a thorn, coming down with necrotizing fasciitis, and losing an arm.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle to Beat Some Manners into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2010 AMY ALKON
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Comments
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1--You need to run, not walk, away from this guy. Everyone should be entitled to "Me" time, and it won't be long before, when he accuses you of "not liking" him, you'll be able to answer, "You're right." It's too bad that he has abandonment issues from his childhood, but that's not your fault and it's not up to you to fix him.
I dated a guy once who wanted to spend every waking minute with me. After weeks of spending time with nobody else, I planned to go to a movie with a friend from work, and he came over and asked me if I was going out with another guy. When I tried to break it off, he kept coming over and asking me if I'd "changed my mind." I finally told him that I didn't love him, didn't even like him, and didn't want to be seen with him. I hated being that cruel, but being kind didn't work with him.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:20 PM
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I suspect LW1's boyfriend/fiancee/whatever probably doesn't have any friends of his own and has come to rely entirely on the LW for his social outlet. That, obviously, is a huge mistake. The romantic relationship between a man and a woman simply (I don't think, anyway) isn't designed to fulfill 100% of our need for social interaction. Both partners should have at least a small circle of personal friends, and/or maybe a few other couples with whom they socialize as a group. The darker possibility is that this guy is not just clingy, but possessive and jealous. I think we all know where that road can lead. Even if it doesn't escalate into any kind of abuse, it can still make life unpleasant - who wants to be followed around all the time? Personally I don't think these people should get married, and they probably shouldn't even be dating. The guy seems to have a lot of growing-up to do first. The fact that they went directly from long-distance to living together was itself a mistake. He should have moved nearby first and then dated her while living separately. If he had, the LW would have found this stuff out sooner.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Matt
Wed Jul 14, 2010 12:54 AM
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LW2: Why do you WANT an "alternative to ending it?" Your girlfriend has already violated your trust several times, and doesn't seem repentant enough to warrant getting any of it restored. Walk away. Some things are just unsalvageable.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Matt
Wed Jul 14, 2010 1:22 AM
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My first husband had a lot of trouble with privacy. He'd even follow me into the bathroom, expecting to stand and talk to me while I did whatever I'd gone in there to do. I set limits and, in revenge, he started cheating on me with other women. In his mind, the two things were equivalent--wanting bathroom privacy WAS cheating on him.
Fortunately, I was young. I still had time to divorce him, get over it, and find a sane husband.
Comment: #4
Posted by:
Wed Jul 14, 2010 2:39 AM
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LW1: RUN!! If you marry him thinking you can improve him, you're nuttier than he is. Clinging turns into needy, needy turns into whiny, and whiny turns into anger when you don't fulfill his every need. At this point, you're a hop, a skip, and a jump from "making" him slap you, shove you, or punch you. By that point you'll have lost your friends (he doesn't like them) and your family (they keep "interfering") and you'll be alone with nowhere to go, and very likely a child or two learning that it's okay for men to abuse women. Right now the door on that cage is still open. Get the heck out and run!
LW2: Same advice. There are lots of honest, faithful women out here who will treat you well. Why settle for someone who's already treating you like a fool?
Comment: #5
Posted by: Zelda
Wed Jul 14, 2010 6:59 AM
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Remember Tired Of It in today's Annie column? Clingy velcro boyfriends like the one Smothered is trying to extricate herself from always have abandonment issues, and parents like Tired Of It are the reason.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Wed Jul 14, 2010 7:01 AM
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Break off the engagement for sure. If you really like the guy, give him a chance to change by telling him how you feel smothered by his clingyness. His behavior shows insecurity, a lack of trust, immaturity, dependency, etc. Despite what some say, I believe people can change, but you have to at least give them a chance. If things haven't gotten MUCH better in a couple months, break up with him then. If you two are happily married with 2 kids in 10 years you can send check or money order to Deft for making it ALL work out.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Deft
Wed Jul 14, 2010 10:19 AM
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I think the fiance from LW#1 and the girlfriend from LW#2 should get together. They're both obviously needy and damaged.
I mean, how many red flags do you need to see before you realize you're in a no-win situation?
Comment: #8
Posted by: KJ
Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:20 AM
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LW2 - At one time I bet you had testicles. Please find them, re-attach them, kick this tramp to the curb and move on. There ya go. Have a nice day.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Rick
Fri Jul 16, 2010 11:02 AM
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LW1 -- I all likelihood, the folks who are telling you to run like the wind and don't ever look back are probably correct. But, I also agree with one commenter who noted that a big part of the problem could be that your fiance has no friends or outside interests. If that has always been the case, then you should, indeed, run. But if that is only true right now because he just moved to the area (which must be the case if this was a long-distance relationship initially), then there is at least a small chance that once he gets to know the area, meets some people and makes his own friends that he won't be quite so clingy.
Having said all of that, however, I'm not optimistic about this, because as long as he is living with you and successfully manipulating you, he's not going to get out and meet people and make some friends.
LW2 -- could not agree more with the commenter who suggested you need to grow a pair and kick this woman to the curb. It is totally bizarre that, upon finding out she was cheating on you with her ex, you confronted the EX instead of her. Since the ex owes you nothing, confronting him was ridiculous -- you should have confronted her. But since you chose to confront the ex, please take note of what the ex did -- he told her to beat it. Sounds like a plan.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lisa
Mon Jul 19, 2010 11:25 AM
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Re: Rick too funny! I like your response. And yes LW2 should kick his girlfriend to the curb. Perhaps LW2 also needs to look for his misplaced self-respect, if he had any he wouldn't up with that kind of treatment.
Comment: #11
Posted by: corinne
Thu Jul 29, 2010 4:38 PM
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