Thank you!

Everyone here at Work Daze HQ appreciates your attendance at our annual holiday party.

In a time when a regular paycheck is not sufficient to get employees to come into the office, actually appearing at a holiday party represents exemplary behavior, and will be reflected in your annual review, if management doesn't fire you first.

Sad to say, not everyone in the working world looks forward to abandoning their cozy, remote hidey-holes to come into the office, even for a party. Especially for a party! If they do show up, they may lack the savoir faire to succeed. That's important. As etiquette expert Elaine Swann says in "How to Survive Your Workplace Office Party," an Adam Bearne article from NPR, if you value your career, office parties should be "looked at as another stage or level of a job interview."

If an invitation to an office holiday party is hanging over your head, don't hide under your bed. Elaine Swann and I are here to guide you. Following these rules may not result in your having a good time at the party, but it will make it more likely that you will survive it.

No. 1: Ultimately, it's a work event

It's unfair, but it's true — you can make mistakes all year long and no one will notice, but spend five minutes twerking on a conference table, wearing a Santa beard and not much else, and the big promotion you've been expecting can disappear forever.

Still, you do want to take advantage of every opportunity to show you're a team player, especially when you're not.

To ensure that you get full credit for your appearance, spend your time schmoozing with your managers. Need a conversation starter? Mention the lapses in corporate due diligence you've noticed and comment on how lucky the company is that no one has yet contacted federal regulators to collect a fat whistleblower reward.

Hey, if no one in the C-suite noticed you this year, they'll sure be keeping their eyes on you in the year to come.

No. 2: Dress to depress

Protocol guru Elaine Swann says that if you're new to a company and are unsure what to wear, "ask some senior folks, so you get an idea of that wardrobe and dress accordingly." If you are one of those "senior folks," and some annoying Gen-Z whippersnapper wants your advice, as well as your job, let them know that management's No. 1 goal is to make new employees feel comfortable at in the workplace. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable to wear PJs to the holiday party, especially if accessorized with fuzzy bunny slippers. Or suggest the newbie show their commitment to joining management by wearing a clown suit. Finally, explain that an office party is an excellent place to show the "real you." For example, an "Alien Sex Fiend" t-shirt, black lipstick, and winklepicker boots will show the dynamic goth achiever behind the boring, normie facade.

It's sure to make an impression that will last for months, even if they don't.

No. 3: Do you like to be liked?

An office holiday party, says Elaine Swann, is "your opportunity for people to connect with you and see that you are likeable." On the other hand, if you are truly an unlikeable, abominable human being, don't worry. With those qualities, you're definitely a senior manager and no one likes you, anyway.

No. 4: You're in charge

The biggest nightmares that can surface with an office holiday party is when you are put charge. Choosing the menu isn't difficult. Simply assume everyone will enjoy an evening of Master Cleanse — the Beyonce-approved diet regime that limits you to a lemonade-like beverage, a salt-water drink and a herbal laxative tea. The diet may or may not help you lose weight, but it is sure to foster a speedy exit from the party.

The choice of holiday gifts will also fall under your purview. I suggest you return to a traditional gift: the frozen holiday turkey. Since freezing uses a lot of energy, it is environmentally beneficial to give each employee a live turkey. Think how much joy old Tom will bring when your co-workers bring their turkeys home, a loving family pet and, eventually, a wonderful family dinner.

(The music choice is an opportunity to embarrass yourself, which is why I recommend screamo, the musical genre Wikipedia calls "willfully experimental dissonance and dynamics."

If that doesn't describe your company, I don't know what does.)

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: JESHOOTS.COM at Unsplash