Sorry, friend, but you're wrong.

AI did not write this column.

You have no way of knowing that, of course. In fact, you have every reason to believe that, with the megabucks I receive every week for filling this space and no one looking over my shoulder, I took the easy way out.

"I need 750 words, stat," I could have told Claude or Zorp or Murgatroyd, to name three of my favorite chatbots. "Make them brilliant and funny with a soupcon of truth and a tad of relevance, then sign my name and send it off."

Easy-peasy, right? All I have to do is cash the check and manage the guilt.

If you think authenticity of authorship in the age of AI is relevant only for those of us in the content creation biz, you're wrong. The same issue comes up at your job, every time you emit an email or tap out a text or submit a proposal up the chain.

Or so I read in a recent issue of CNBC's "Make It," where reporter Sarah Jackson challenged me to make myself "unforgettable in an AI-driven world." All I would have to do is "5 counterintuitive things," and my words would suddenly stand out in a universe where everyone sounds like everyone else because everyone uses AI to do their writing.

For reporter Jackson, it was executive coach Erica Dhawan in her unfortunately titled book, "Use Your Brain," that raised the question of how to stand out from the artificially intelligent crowd by making yourself unforgettable. (No, I'm not going to "use my brain." If I used my brain, I'd be home in head-to-toe Alo, chugging protein drinks and watching "Sterling Point," like a normal person.)

Here are coach Dhawan's five "counterintuitive habits" as seen through the eyes of someone so AD (Authentically Dumb) he'd never be mistaken for AI.

No. 1: Slow Down at the Start

It's OK to let AI do the thinking for you, but be sure to add a bit of cogitation on your own. Make yourself what psychologist Sumona De Graaf calls a "Think Sandwich." The recipe? A slice of thinking, a hunk of AI and another slice of thinking; trim the crusts and hit "Send."

I recommend spicing up your Think Sandwich with a schmear of ego mayo, praising your manager's tangy brilliance and a smidge of hot gossip sauce that gently suggests you'll make trouble if you do not receive sufficient credit for your genius.

No. 2: Be Less Polished

"Me think good" is a charmingly unpolished way to start a memo, alerting the recipients that what they are about to read was not written by a highly literate LLM. Including "a detail only you could know" also personalizes and humanizes your writing. "Saw you at a strip club by the airport" is an excellent postscript to any communication with someone in Marketing.

No. 3: Look for Disagreement

Chatbots love to butter up their users, praising them for their insights and slavishly following any of their hair-brained prompts. To ensure that no one thinks AI wrote your next proposal, start with "Just wondering. What kind of idiot are you?" Finish up with "Don't agree? Thanks. Now I know what kind of idiot you are — a big one."

No. 4: Protect Your Independent Judgment

Executive coach Dhawan recommends "leaders should do one meaningful piece of work from scratch every week." Ridiculous! Our leaders are far too busy peacocking around the office to do any meaningful work this week or any week. Leaders are also encouraged to acknowledge when they used AI and explain the logic behind the input they received. If you are a leader, try this — "I pressed a button and all the stuff came out." Works every time.

No. 5: Choose to Have the Live Conversation

It is suggested that you "call or meet in person to have a real-time conversation if your message contains emotion, conflict or disagreement." Definitely, a hard "No."

Talking with a person could lead to friendship, and friendship could morph into a relationship. You may actually decide you prefer working with human beings instead of chatbots. If this bizarre behavior became popular, it would destroy the profits of many large AI companies, wreck the stock market and crater the economy. We would all have to go back to doing our own work and dealing with each other as people with all our flaws and quirks.

Disagree? That is a conversation we definitely should have at a strip club by the airport.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Greg Rakozy at Unsplash