I really feel bad for Anonymous.

The Anonymous to whom I refer recently wrote to columnist Max Read of The New York Times. No friend of mine, but the "Work Friend" to millions, Read was asked to name "the biggest workplace cultural changes in the last decade or so."

The question came from a woman who had worked for herself for over 20 years and was now "contemplating going to work for someone else." Her question was simple — "What has changed in the past 10 or 20 years that I should take into account as I prepare to do this?"

The ethical and admirable response of the Work Friend was to dodge the question entirely. Mr. Read, it turns out, had himself "recently returned to office work," making it inevitable that "any attempt at answering this letter would fall badly flat." His solution was to turn the question of what has changed in the workplace over to readers.

Fortunately for Anonymous, not only am I that reader, but I have absolutely none of the ethical proscriptions that keep the official Work Friend from showing up with advice.

I'm here for you, Anonymous, even though what I say is almost certainly 100% bogus and cannot be trusted, but hey, that's what work friends are for.

No. 1: Everyone is Happy Now

Looking back at the workplace of 10 to 20 years ago, Anonymous may remember experiencing feelings of dissatisfaction with her job. There were company policies that put her needs last, executed by imperious managers who didn't respect her feelings.

Well, that doesn't happen anymore — none of it.

Instead of putting a selfish need to make profits as their No. 1 goal, companies today are totally focused on making their employees happy. For example, employees who used to work at home are now coming back to the workplace. That's because company management realized that these remote employees were missing out on the joys of commuting, which not only provides hours of contemplation, but also unites us all in a daily ritual of futility and frustration. It's the kind of thinking that puts the employee first, whether they know it or not.

No. 2: Total Job Security

Forget what you read from journalists who aren't me in columns that aren't this one. Companies today never ever do layoffs. Firing an employee simply because their job could be done a little cheaper by a worker in another country or eliminated completely by turning over the work to a fancy AI system makes no sense. Yes, it may make the bottom line look better, which will make Wall Street happier, but how can a few pennies gained on the stock price matter compared to eliminating the anxiety of the entire workforce?

Worried about AI, Anonymous? Don't be silly. Companies today know that a bunch of computer chips can never provide the human touch that makes each of us unique and wonderful. AI is a tool. A pencil is a tool. Remember — back in the old days, you occasionally picked up a pencil to scribble down an address or write yourself a note. Did you ever think that pencil could replace you?

A tool can never replace a person and no company would ever try.

No. 3: Salaries Galore

Anonymous may read about CEOs who receive eye-popping, multimillion-dollar salaries, leaving the people who actually do the work with bupkas. This perception, while totally accurate, is not the complete picture. Those CEOs are taking these humongous salaries so normie employees like Anonymous never have to deal with the anxiety of competing with other CEOs over the size of their yachts or face ridicule if they don't own more than two Hawaiian Islands.

You will have a problem with salary, Anonymous. How are you ever going to spend all of it?

No. 4: Fire Up That Resume

Companies want the best people, which is why they employ sensitive, HR chatbots, trained to relieve job-hunter anxiety by never responding to their applications.

Whatever offer Anonymous accepts, she'll find that everyone up and down the org chart is committed to making sure she is happy in her job. Companies have learned a lot since Anonymous worked in an office. Today, everyone knows that when an employee is happy and secure and commuting three hours a day, they do their best possible work, which makes the entire enterprise more successful.

After all, this is 2026. To run a business any other way is just ancient history.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: MJH SHIKDER at Unsplash