Getting fired is no fun. That doesn't mean you need to make it easier for whichever Human Resource wackadoodle the company has chosen to give you the ax. In fact, the harder you make it for your employer to fire you, the more likely it is they will decide to let you slide. In other words, the better you are when you're about to lose your job, the more likely you are to keep that job.

Fortunately, your employer's strategy when it comes to firing is not that difficult to understand.

The first lesson is that they don't even call it firing. They call it "offboarding." And they don't view it as an event. They call it a "process." Put it together and you've got Jordan Nottrodt's sassy "The Ultimate Guide to the Offboarding Process," a recent communication somehow misdirected to my email box by an HR consulting firm, The Predictive Index.

According to Nottrodt, "off-boarding shouldn't be simply a box-checking process, but there are still some must-dos from an HR and security standpoint." Let's take a look at four of those must-dos and see if we can turn them into must-don'ts.

No. 1: Legal & Compliance Obligations

If you have signed a nondisclosure document, the company will surely remind you that you are required to button your lips when it comes to company secrets, such as where in the building you go to get cool, teeny-tiny sticky notes and who is hoarding scissors and staplers. This is information you will want to release immediately to CNN, CNBC, the CIA and the Home Shopping Network. It's what we in the news business call a scoop.

The company will also make an effort to calculate your final paycheck, which you should not accept, regardless of the number of zeros involved.

"The money isn't why I worked here," you say. "Just getting to know you wonderful people is sufficient compensation."

Not only will this mess up their minds, but it will so tangle bookkeeping, they'll have no choice but to keep you on.

No. 2: IT Access and Asset Recovery

The company will want to know your passwords to the various systems you were supposed to use but never got around to using because you could never remember the passwords. When someone from IT comes to collect your laptop and your phone, be sure to include your Xbox, your Cuisinart, your Ninja Creami, your electric toothbrush and your pacemaker. If you have a company car, be sure to get it washed and detailed. Or just drive it to Cabo and leave it at the beach. It's lovely there this time of year.

No. 3: Knowledge Transfer

Your company has no idea what you do, only what you didn't do. This is why they will want to schedule a full slate of meetings with you, your manager and your co-workers to "create a detailed transition plan that includes timelines, responsibilities and critical deadlines." Naturally, you will want to have nothing to do with this kind of nonsense. If you paid any attention to timelines, responsibilities and critical deadlines, they wouldn't have any reason to fire you in the first place.

These meetings are useful for assigning blame for your various failures, so be prepared to bring the detailed records of who — other than you — has been screwing up. If you never kept records, an unhinged, random verbal attack on everyone present will help upper management decide that keeping you is better for morale than letting you go.

The weird part is — this is probably true.

No. 4: Exit Interviews

Jordan Nottrodt recommends the company "use exit interviews to understand why your employee is leaving." Good idea! One presumes "because you morons fired my butt" could clear up the matter, but if HR wants to arrange a series of meetings, you might as well go for it, as long as you can decide what kind of donuts will be provided. (Mental health experts recommend bear claws for exit interviews. The provide an aura of menace to the occasion and the price of almond paste is through the roof — thanks, AI — as I'm sure you've noticed.)

Note that crying at exit meetings is not only appropriate, but required. If you don't feel especially tearful, watching a Hallmark movie before the meeting will help put you in the right mood. If you want to have a seizure or pass out or institute projectile vomiting, that's totally acceptable.

Just be sure to collect all the bear claws before you crawl back to your desk.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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