Just because your slacker mentality and fundamental lack of ability makes you a terrible employee doesn't mean there isn't another job waiting for you — a job that comes with the bloated paycheck and all the scrumptious perks you deserve.
The name for this job is "manager."
That's right! Your failure as an employee and an itsy-bitsy dose of chutzpah are the only qualifications a knucklehead like you needs to manage the other knuckleheads in your company.
Just ask Alison Doyle.
Doyle's October 2018 post on The Balance Careers website gives you all the information you require to nab a high-paying career in management. This is a good thing since "skilled managers are always in demand and can command lucrative salaries."
According to Doyle, there are three types of managers.
Terrible managers, really terrible managers and super terrible managers.
At the highest rung of the managerial ladder are "top-level managers or senior management." These managers "are responsible for charting the company's path." To walk off with one of these positions, "the ability to inspire is crucial."
And now you know why top-level managers lavish themselves with ginormous salaries, lucrative stock options and jaw-dropping bonuses. It's not because they want these things for themselves. Losers like these throw themselves in the path of every NetJet charter and leased Tesla to show there is hope for a loser like you.
Middle managers are the second type of managers. It's the job of middle-level managers to implement the insane ideas of top-level managers. That's why they need "strong problem-solving skills." How else could anyone implement the endless stream of garbage ideas gushing down from the big brains at the top?
The lowest managerial caste is inhabited by direct supervisors. These entry-level positions are extremely important in a company because when something goes wrong, direct supervisors are there to take the blame. If you're willing to be always ready to put your head — and your career — on the chopping block, the life of a direct supervisor is for you.
Once she has explained the taxonomy of managers, Doyle focuses on some common management jobs, such as administrative services manager. This powerful person's job is to "maintain the facility and manage the office's regular needs." In former times, the job title for this position was "janitor."
The compensation and benefits manager follows the money, as it makes its way into the pockets of the top-level executives. This manager will also "choose company health plans each year." If you wonder why your plan has a $200,000 deductible and is only in effect when you are traveling in Norway, talk to the compensation and benefits manager. You can find her in the executive sauna in Oslo.
The IT manager is in charge of a company's technological needs and determines "if there are any weaknesses in the system." Once a weakness is spotted, this manager's job is to provide compelling entertainment options for the IT staff, so they will have something to do while ignoring the frantic calls for help from users.
Financial managers are always VIPs since they "help leaders identify cost savings solutions and efficiency optimizations to increase profits." In other words, they decide who keeps their job and who gets fired. Financial managers do not receive high salaries themselves but make up for it with the pleasure of strolling through the office with inscrutable smiles on their faces, striking fear in the hearts of lower-level employees.
To aid in your search, Doyle also provides a helpful A-to-Z list of common managerial position titles. (A-to-W, really. She left off X-Men Activity Manager, Y Chromosome Empowerment Manager and Zebra Training Manager.)
Unfortunately, between accounting manager and warehouse and inventory control manager, it is not easy to find a position that sounds attractive. I did warm up to senior manager, space management because I am convinced that there is life on Saturn — and they're hiring. Restaurant manager also sounds good, as you'd get first choice when it comes to nibbling on the table scraps returned to the kitchen for being inedible. Branch manager is also attractive. I can see you sitting high up in a mighty sequoia, though, considering your emotionality, a better match might be a weeping willow.
If the idea of becoming a manager is appealing to you, continue to completely screw up your current position. Never apologize for your mistakes and cast blame on anyone you can. When the termination notice arrives, don't beg for your job but demand a promotion. With these kinds of skills, a management position is guaranteed.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning, Inc. in Sausalito, California. He now works out of Bellingham, Washington. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected] To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com