Does your CEO know how to read?

In the unlikely case that the answer is yes, you will want to pay attention to the list of 19 "essential books recommended by today's top CEOs, executives, and leaders" from Scribd.com.

Most people will read these books to improve their management skills. For me and thee, the purpose is to give ourselves something to talk about should we run into our CEO in the elevator. You really don't want to repeat your last conversational gambit of "Hey, did you see the outfit Harry Styles was wearing? That dude really rocks a feather boa!"

Despite the recommendations from Scribd, I am positive that these books are exactly what top CEO's, executives and leaders should not be reading.

Do our overpaid, overstuffed managers really need more encouragement when it comes to unleashing their worst impulses, which is surely what will happen if they read "Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the Box"? I say, stuff these monsters back in their mink-lined boxes and keep the lid on them, forever.

Nor do we need to incite our C-suite demons to interact more frequently with us underlings, as could happen after ingesting a few chapters of "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships." The only healthy relationship with a CEO is one conducted by your attorney in front of a judge and jury.

Even a quick read of "Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind" could be dangerous to your continued employment. Do you really want your bosses to discover they are ordinary human beings? Such a radical realization could send them spiraling even further out of control than they are right now.

So, what should our leaders be reading? I recommend:

No. 1: "Nancy Drew and The Secret of the Old Clock" by Carolyn Keene

Nancy is spunky, and everyone loves a spunky CEO. She is also deeply loyal to her fellow crime fighters, though her relationship with Nick Nickerson may not pass HR guidelines. If the higher-ups in your company never make room for up-and-comers like yourself, this book will definitely make them consider the importance of grooming successors. Nancy has been on the job since 1930 and has never gone beyond the position of amateur detective.

No. 2: "Goodnight Moon" by Margaret Wise Brown

A high-flying CEO can easily lose touch. This important book will help leaders to be aware of the reality that surrounds them, like "a comb and a brush" and "a bowl full of mush." Your CEO may eat their mush from a golden chalice in their private Gulfstream G700, but they should be mindful that those beneath them in the org chart bring their mush from home in a paper bag or have no mush at all.

No. 3: "I, the Jury" by Mickey Spillane

CEOs put a lot of effort into broadcasting their reputation for being tough, but that doesn't mean they can't develop a soft side. Hard-boiled private investigator Mike Hammer is famous for shooting first and asking questions never, but he still has a soft spot in his heart for his secretary, Velda Sterling. Give your monster of a manager a copy of this monster bestseller and then, when layoffs are looming, tell your boss that you want to be Velda to their Mike Hammer. You could escape a bullet.

No. 4: "Joy of Cooking" by Irma S. Rombauer

CEO's think that their jobs are so complicated and important that no one else could possibly do what they do. This beloved cookbook will remind them that even the most brilliant chef may need help in putting together a Chocolate Mayonnaise Cake or Country Captain Chicken. If your meetings with the big kahuna leave you with a stomachache, a copy of this kitchen classic could make your life — and your job — much tastier.

No. 5: Walt Disney's Uncle Scrooge in "Only a Poor Old Man" by Carl Barks

All egocentric CEOs can benefit from life lessons from the world's richest duck. Not content swimming laps in his money vault, Scrooge is constantly haunted by fear of the insidious forces that surround him. While the FTC and the SEC are pussycats compared to the relentlessly sinister Beagle Boys, your boss will become more open to your ideas for protecting the business.

Best of all, since you will be playing Huey, Dewey, and Louie to your CEO's Scrooge when it comes to saving the corporate money vault, you may finally receive the appreciation you deserve.

But I wouldn't count on it.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Engin_Akyurt at Pixabay