Our buds at The New York Times have been publishing a "7-Day Happiness Challenge." I sincerely hope it makes them happy, because the entire endeavor makes me miserable.

Jancee Dunn is in charge of the Day Five joint, "The Importance of Work Friends." Personally, I have no problems with friends and I have no problems with work, but mixing the two together sounds very risky to me, like mixing whipped cream with Vaseline, or spaghetti with confetti, or tofu with just about anything.

Despite my misgivings, a 2022 Gallup report concluded that "people who have a best friend at work are more likely to innovate and share ideas, get more done in less time and report having more fun."

Of course they do. People with work friends always want to make themselves out to be the perfect employees. That's because they know their work friends are out to get them, and their only hope is to get them first.

They could do it, too. With a close friend, you're sure to blab about how little work you do and how much you get away with. You're also likely to whisper sweet nothings about your sweet nothing of a manager. By the time you finish baring your soul to your Best Friend Forever, you'll find that Forever is limited to your next annual review — an occasion that is likely to be celebrated by your BFF taking your job and your salary.

Because, hey, isn't that what work friends are for?

But don't listen to me. Reporter Dunn didn't, and that's why her article provides four strategies to "forge new workplace connections." Let's move nearer to the forge and take a closer look.

No. 1: For someone you don't know.

According to Shasta Nelson, a "friendship expert," your first move in making a work friend out of a work stranger is to "follow up about something that a person mentioned in a meeting or a group setting." The person, Nelson predicts, will be "surprised and pleased."

For example, if a co-worker announces in a status meeting that a critical project is 100% on schedule, you could pipe up with "but you told everyone at lunch that you hadn't started the project, and didn't plan to, and your loser manager was so busy trying to get the attention of the big boss they'd never notice."

Your new friend may not be pleased, but they certainly will be surprised.

No. 2: For a colleague you know better

To promote a friend to BFF status, "invite them to do something casual," like joining you for "a quick walk around the block." I think you should recommend something a little more exciting, like clearing out the company's bank accounts, converting all the money to crypto, and taking a quick flight to Turkmenistan. "The place is poppin'," you could say, "and they have no extradition treaty with the United States."

"You go first," you could also add, in a friendly way. "I'll meet you there."

No. 3: If you work remotely

Remote workers may wonder why they need work friends. As long as Boofy Bear and Clarence Crocodile love you, who needs another friend?

In case you do decide to have a close relationship with somebody who is not stuffed with polyfill, getting close to a human is not impossible.

Is a potential bestie scheduled to be on a Zoom call? Show up 10 minutes early. Use the extra time to "ask about an interesting object in their background." For example, " I didn't think we had a lot in common until I noticed your stripper pole and floggers. You'll have to come over and see my dungeon."

Now, that's an offer no one could refuse.

No. 4: If you're a manager

Since success as a manager requires complete disinterest in the personal lives of your direct reports, it may be difficult to follow the advice of social psychologist Ron Friedman, who suggests that "before a meeting starts, try a few icebreakers."

My preferred icebreaker is "the company is insisting managers lay off 15% of their direct reports. How do you rate your chances of my keeping you on?"

You'll make lots of friends with that icebreaker, guaranteed.

It will definitely take some work on your part, but once you've established close and precious relationships with your co-workers, you'll be able to focus on getting your besties to quit, or, even better, get fired. Then all you'll have left are work enemies — angry, bitter people with whom you will feel totally sympatico.

After all, they're just like you.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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