DR. WALLACE: I met a guy over the summer, so I told a few friends at school about him this week when we saw each other again. All three of my friends told me to drop him and stop seeing him! He goes to another high school about 15 miles away.

The excuse that they used was that he tells me what clothes to wear and often tells me I dress too masculine. I dress fine, the way I want to, but he does pressure me to make changes almost every time I see him. But other than that, I feel we get along great. Do you think my friends are all just jealous because I have a mysterious boyfriend at another high school? — We Mostly Get Along Fine, via email

WE MOSTLY GET ALONG FINE: No, I don't think jealousy has anything to do with this matter, I believe your friends are truly looking out for you here. Any guy, whether he attends your high school or another one anywhere else, who tells you what to wear, when to wear it and how to live your life is demonstrating a dark red flag that you should be specifically aware of and concerned about. Your friends aren't "using an excuse" but rather are actually seeking to protect you from a future with him!

What may start out as simple wardrobe demands often quickly can escalate into other areas of your life, such as where you can go, who you can see and how you can spend your free time. In some cases, I've seen obsessive controlling behavior to the point of women being asked to check in regarding their whereabouts every half hour! This is not only ridiculous but dangerous on many levels. My advice is to give this relationship a breather and focus your social activities and efforts regarding your own high school and its students.

I'VE BEEN VERBALLY BULLIED IN A SUBTLE WAY

DR. WALLACE: We all know about the horrible topic of bullying, and I'm sure every high school student is familiar with examples of physical bullying like being pushed, shoved, punched, tripped and so forth. We've also all heard stories about extortion-type bullying, such as stealing lunch money or taking items from other kids under the threat of violence.

But now during this new school year, I think I might be experiencing what I'm calling "micro-bullying." What I mean by this term is, it's not overt bullying like threatening, physically pushing or anything like that, but rather it's subtle mental bullying.

There's a girl who's new to our school who has infiltrated our general circle of a dozen friends, and I noticed that she often makes snide comments about me, my capabilities or even the way I dress. She doesn't come right out and give me a dramatic putdown, but she's needling me slowly but consistently during every single conversation we have as a group. Some of it may go unnoticed by others, but I'm certainly picking up on it. When some kids are bullied in the physical way, they can notify school authorities or even elect to fight back. But physically confronting her doesn't apply here, so what do you advise I do in my present situation? — She Bullies Me With Words, via email

SHE BULLIES ME WITH WORDS: One option that is certainly available to you is that you can confront her directly, one-on-one, and let her know that you are aware of what she's doing. Stay calm, don't raise your voice, but look her directly in the eyes and be firm in standing up for yourself. You can tell her that she doesn't have to like your style or the way you dress, or even like you overall at all, but that she should keep her comments in this regard to herself, not to the group.

Tell her you could retaliate in a similar way in front of the group, the way she does, but that you have enough self-respect not to do that. Then you could perhaps end by saying that the entire group of girls you hang out with, including the two of you, have a lot in common with one another, and that it makes far more sense to lean into that than to point out any small differences in a negative or derogatory way.

I suggest you end by looking her over from head to toe and making a couple of nice compliments about her style directly to her in a calm voice with steady eye contact. Gently smile and tell her that it's not too hard to praise another person no matter what you thought about them originally. From there, back off and see how she acts both in group settings and around you in case you see her again one-on-one. She'll know that you called her out but did so away from the group so as not to embarrass her. Once you're done, it's quite possible she may dial down her needling of you — and it wouldn't be surprising to me at all if the two of you actually forge a direct friendship on your own someday soon.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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