DR. WALLACE: As a female college student entering her second year of college, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future. Lately, I've come to realize that ever since I was perhaps a junior in high school, I have subconsciously been framing a picture of my ideal life in the back of my mind. In this version of my life, everything goes my way, and I meet the perfect spouse, have the perfect career and start the perfect family. I've been drifting along for the past three years, no doubt thinking about this subconsciously quite a bit. Lately I've actually noticed that I'm narrowing the focus of my life quite a bit because I think I am subconsciously filtering out people and opportunities that present themselves to me because, for one reason or another, I feel they won't end up meshing into my vision of my future perfect life!

Intellectually, I realize this sounds crazy, but I actually think I've been so set in my ways in wanting to pursue perfection in my personal life that my social life has nearly grounded to a complete halt. How can I stop thinking about future perfection and start living my life in a more flexible way here in the present? — My Future Dreams Are Blocking My Present, via email

MY FUTURE DREAMS ARE BLOCKING MY PRESENT: It's great that you've realized this situation at the present juncture and have sought assistance. My recommendation is to think about maintaining your overall goal but to realize that the path to getting there can be navigated differently. Instead of feeling like you have to find the perfect person and put all your energy into that one singular pursuit, consider another path that will allow you to gain valuable insights and experience as you navigate your journey.

Try to look at your situation as one in which you need to gather more data and experience. Therefore, open yourself up to all kinds of reasonable and logical social situations that may be presented to you or that you can source in a trusted and ethical way. Then when you do start to go on some dates or put yourself out there in certain social situations, reason with yourself in the back of your mind that you're going to give this opportunity a try in order to learn more about yourself, other people and what truly works best for you in interpersonal situations that have the overtones of a potential romance.

Looking at it this way, rather than feeling that you have to put all your efforts into finding one perfect person immediately, will actually bring you closer to your goal over the intermediate term, as you'll be gathering a lot of valuable intelligence about yourself and the situation you're looking to bring to fruition eventually. And who knows? You just may meet someone along the way that you would've dismissed for some reason previously, and they may turn out to be a true gem in terms of being able to establish an excellent connection with you.

MY FRIEND HELPED SO MUCH BUT NOW KEEPS PUSHING ME!

DR. WALLACE: I have a good personal friend who always seeks to make personal improvements, and over the years this friend has pushed me in a similar way to help me "better" myself. This friend has implored me to "challenge" myself to be more serious, hold myself accountable, be responsible for my actions, plan things in advance and so forth.

There's no doubt that a lot of the improvements I have made in the last few years can be linked directly to my friend's encouragement, admonishment and persistence. I've definitely come a long way and am thankful for being able to receive the push I truly needed back then.

But now, this friend continues "challenging" me to go higher, deeper and further in some directions that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with anymore.

How can I let my friend know that it's time to back off a bit with me without coming off as ungrateful? — My Great Progress Needs a Breather, via email

MY GREAT PROGRESS NEEDS A BREATHER: Start by inviting this good friend to a Saturday morning or afternoon meal as your treat. Spend the first two-thirds of the time during the conversation over the meal talking about how appreciative you are, how far you've come and how it wouldn't have been possible without this particular friend's encouragement, guidance and ongoing attention. Also throw in a few other topics that the two of you normally talk about so that the meal will be leisurely and enjoyable. You'll have done a good job properly and rightfully thanking your friend for everything up to this point.

Then, during the last 30% of the time you plan to be together, bring up the fact that you've now reached a plateau where you feel you need to do some self-evaluation and to take inventory on what the next steps might be for you. Mention that you intend to come up with a game plan on your own, and once you have it ready, you'll share it with this friend for potential guidance, input and suggestions.

Approaching it in this manner both establishes some breathing space for you but also keeps your friend involved, as you are asking for a review: Once you are ready, suggestions can be presented to you at that time. I personally have used this method with great success over my life, as it's always great to tell others who have helped you that you'll bring your new ideas to them, because it's truly a no-lose situation. You may end up getting some great suggestions from your friend, and even if you don't, you can still carry on with the plan you have for yourself and will have done so in a very symbiotic and "friend-friendly" manner.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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