I Want Kids but He Does Not

By Dr. Robert Wallace

August 17, 2022 6 min read

DR. WALLACE: I am 19 and my boyfriend is 21, and we have been dating now for over eight months. We get along great, and he has never done anything to make me question him in any way. He's been a perfect gentleman and he always looks out for me and keeps his word with everything he has promised me so far.

However, over the past few months we've talked about our future lives and goals, and although we both have excellent jobs and potential careers that look good in front of us, we do have one major difference at this point.

When I brought up the subject of someday having a family, my boyfriend flatly told me he has no interest in having children. I didn't press him on specifics, like if this means just for now, or if he's stating that he never wants kids, no matter what age we are.

Do you think he will eventually change his mind? Do you think I can convince him to change his mind at some point? And if so, how do I best go about this? — Eventually Want a Family, via email

EVENTUALLY WANT A FAMILY: My current advice for you and my intermediate term advice do vary slightly, so I'll start with the here and now in this present day.

At this point, eight months into your relationship, you mentioned that everything has gone quite well and that you feel you're quite compatible with your current boyfriend. At your present ages, you both have a long runway in front of you in terms of being in the prime years biologically to have children at some point.

Since he was adamant about his position and you were sensitive to pressing him further on this particular issue, it appears that you've tabled the matter for now. That's fine, and my short-term advice would be to continue along for a while and see how your relationship continues, grows and develops. Your careers may also play a role in your ultimate decision. Eight months is a fair amount of time to begin a suitable evaluation of a relationship, but a year and a half to two years at your age would be an even better indicator.

Both of you will evolve as individuals and will mature further. Your relationship will also evolve, hopefully for the better. At a future date, when you feel the circumstances are right, you can bring up the idea of having a family someday once again to your boyfriend. Hopefully, his reaction will be different, and he may open up and give you a more complete and slightly evolved answer. He may be open to having children in your mid-20s, for example, after you've established your careers and hopefully gotten married.

But that's a long way off from today, so for now I would continue to steadily allow your relationship to grow and develop, but at the same time, if you truly want a family, you need to have an open discussion with him down the road to see if this will be a possibility. If you never, ever want a family at any point, then you will indeed have a large decision to make in terms of staying together with him or deciding to look elsewhere. In any case, I highly encourage you to debate and decide this matter completely before you enter into marriage, if marriage ever becomes a possibility for the two of you.

I HAVE BIG FUTURE DREAMS. IS THIS OK?

DR. WALLACE: I dream a lot, but my parents say it is not healthy because they think my future dreams are make-believe and fake things, or things that are so remote that they could never, ever come true.

My parents are the type of people who always think it's better to take a smaller, safer road in life than to take chances on a bigger or better outcome.

Who is right here, my parents or yours truly? I truly feel I can someday accomplish some of the things I'd like to achieve in life. — Sincere Dreamer, via email

SINCERE DREAMER: Hopes, dreams and aspirations are some of the most wonderful things to look forward to in life. Yes, there are often some limitations or even restrictions to some of our dreams, but then again, the world is constantly evolving and changing in new ways as well. My personal belief is to never say never, but to aspire to achieve goals that are important to you.

Also, remember that as a young person ages and matures, they're thinking and thought process evolves, clarifies and has the benefit of ongoing experience and improved deductive reasoning. Therefore, I do not see the need to ever attempt to stunt or prematurely eviscerate an individual's future hopes and dreams. I feel it's better to allow young people to dream positively of their future and then live out their life experience and course correct as they see fit going forward.

Therefore, I side with you rather than your parents on this particular issue. One caveat I have is that your dreams and aspirations should be legal, moral and cause no harm to you or others around you. Basically, any worthy dream or goal deserves its opportunity to be pursued.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Bessi at Pixabay

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