DR. WALLACE: I am a 14-year-old boy who wrote you some time ago and told you that I hated school and was thinking about running away or even worse as a boy at school was picking on me every day. He demanded my lunch money and if I didn't give it to him he used me as a punching bag. I had gone to my school counselor and even the principal, but they didn't do anything. Even though I was fairly big, I was known as a sissy. I would just take it and never fight back.
You told me to consider standing up for myself and to defend myself the next time I was bullied. The next time was the next day after I received that advice. I refused to give him my lunch money and he started punching me. Then I jumped on him, knocked him down and actually got a few good punches in. I wound up with a bloody nose, but he had a lump on his head the size of an egg.
I want to thank you for your advice. I was suspended from school for two days, but it was well worth it. The bully also got a two-day suspension. The great news is that this guy has never bothered me again. In fact, he now talks to me once in a while and I am totally civil towards him.
After you printed my letter and gave me your advice, I noticed the column where a lot of people did not like that you told me to fight back. It's easy for them to disagree with you and to say fighting is never the best way to solve a dispute. But they were not in my situation. At times, when I was being pounded and robbed, the thought of ending my life flashed in my mind more than once. Now that thought is gone forever.
Dr. Wallace, I will always be grateful for your advice. — Anonymous, New Orleans, La.
ANONYMOUS: When a high school administrator, I did all within my authority to thwart bullying whenever I saw it anywhere on campus. Over the years, I had many meetings with bullies and their parents. On a second offense, the punishment was always quite severe.
Unfortunately, sometimes school authorities don't realize what's going on and fail to act. When this is the case, the victim is on his or her own. This is a frightening and complex situation that cannot be solved by a formulaic answer, even one as noble as "turn the other cheek," which some interpret as meaning, "avoid confrontation at all costs." This is simply won't always work in every unique situation. Sometimes you have to confront your tormentor — and sometimes doing so means throwing a punch or two in self-defense.
I say all of this as a proponent of nonviolence. I have compassion for all living creatures. I don't even kill insects that accidentally wind up in my house. I track them down and set them free outdoors. My wife rolls her eyes but I do actually do this!
However — I also believe that when ignoring a bully does not work, sometimes one has to "speak" to the bully in a language that is quickly understood. You did so by fighting back. I am thrilled that your problem is solved. The act of standing your ground — whether or not you get in the most punches — is always the ultimate deterrent to a bully, because it establishes your determination not to be pushed around. And it does wonders for your self-esteem, as you have discovered.
I truly believe you defeated more than just one cowardly lunch money extortionist. You defeated your own sense of helplessness in the face of one of life's toughest problems for a young person to deal with. Good for you in this particular situation. For those that prefer a pacifist approach, I support that as well. Each situation and individual must consider how best to deal with a "bully" situation. I feel pushing back physically can be a tool in the toolbox for some teens in some situations. By no means is "pushing back" a panacea nor should it be the first method used. But for some young people in certain situations, it can put an end to ongoing torment. This is a very tough and complex topic. Always speak to parents, teachers, administrators and trusted adults first whenever possible should you find yourself being bullied. Sometimes bullying can be nipped in the bud with the assistance of adults, but sadly not 100 percent of the time.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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