DR. WALLACE: I am a solid B student. I participate in school government and I'm a starter on my girls' basketball team at my school. My cousin who attends the same high school as I do is a straight A student and is a cinch to graduate as class valedictorian. There is no doubt that my cousin has the higher IQ, but all she ever does is study. She doesn't participate in any school activity other than homework. My parents are always reminding me about my cousin's excellent grades and they rarely, if ever, praise me for my very decent grades and the variety of activities I participle in. This makes me feel like a failure.
When I tell my parents that my cousin and I are two different people, they tell me they are only trying to encourage me to do better. I'm doing the best I can. Help! —Anonymous, Salt Lake City, UT.
ANONYMOUS: Parents who compare their child to friends or relatives are trying to spur a son or daughter to do better, but in most cases this method is ineffectual. The reason is that the message is negative — "You are not as good as your cousin."
Wise parents guide their children in a positive manner, giving praise and encouragement whenever possible.
Talk with your parents and do your best to explain this to them. If they continue comparing you to your cousin, continue to do your very best, but allow their words to fall on deaf ears. Perhaps you can find a teacher, counselor or coach who would be pleased to give you the praise you deserve. Each of us is indeed an individual, and we should be viewed as such, especially as compared to how we each progress forward in life given our unique skill sets across a variety of areas. Your best efforts deserve praise!
YOU ARE NOT AN EMPLOYEE
DR. WALLACE: I'm 14 and I'm given a five dollar a week allowance. To earn it, I've got to do all my chores. Ever since this allowance has been enforced, I have always done all of my chores on time. I must also say that my chores are done very well.
I now want to buy special dress for a semi-formal "girl-ask-boy" dance at our school. I have already invited the boy and I'm happy to tell you he said yes. The dress I want costs $75, and I have $50 saved already.
I want my parents to pay my allowance five weeks in advance so I can buy this dress. My dad doesn't like this idea, because he considers me to be an employee and thinks it is poor business to pay an employee for work that is not completed.
I would like your opinion, please. My parents always read your column, and if you agree with me they might just change their minds on this matter. Please hurry with your answer. This is a really big occasion for me, and I really want to wear this dress at the dance! — Hopeful, Chicago, Ill.
HOPEFUL: You are not an employee; you are your parents' daughter! Since your "chore" record is excellent, your parents must trust you to do all your chores for the next five weeks, after all, you're not going to "resign" and go off to do chores for another family! Put it this way, in a very polite manner, and I trust mom and dad will likely agree. Have fun at your dance!
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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