DR. WALLACE: I'm 18 and my boyfriend is a year older. We have been dating for about nine months. We went out on a blind date and hit it off quite well. For the first few months, things between us were wonderful. I even thought he might be my future mate. Then things changed and he started disagreeing with me on just about everything from our president to organic foods. He has good qualities and is very good-looking, but I'm getting tired of arguing with him all the time.
I try to talk to him regarding our many disagreements, but all he says is, "People who care for each other have occasional disagreements." Trust me, our disagreements are not occasional — they are often. Is it worth trying to work things out with him or am I wasting my time seen him? I don't look forward to seeing him anymore. Will things eventually get easier now that I know how he is? — Anonymous, Oklahoma City, Ok.
ANONYMOUS: If the disagreements are fundamental, there's nothing to "work out." From the tone of your letter, it's clear to me that you already answered your own question. If you don't look forward to seeing him anymore, it's time to bid him goodbye and wish him well. There are others out there who will be easier (for each of you) to get along with in a future relationship.
Breaking up is a part of life. Doing so is often dramatic, but pain, alas, is part of love. And being able to maintain a loving relationship is a learned skill. One of the most essential ingredients in a healthy relationship is communication. And effective communication is the result of friendship and trust, which you and he have unfortunately not been able to establish with each other.
I GO TO MY ROOM AND CLAM UP
DR. WALLACE: When I get super angry, I just go to my room and clam up. My grandmother, who lives with us, thinks I'm making a big mistake and should unload a little steam once in a while. She says that exploding is good for you. Is that true? —ANONYMOUS, via email
ANONYMOUS: Your grandmother makes a good point. According to psychiatrist Theodore Ruben, author of "The Angry Book," "Teens who are holding their anger inside tend to act sullen and that leads to a breakdown in communication. Without communication we have confusion and mistrust."
And child psychologist Zelda Siegel added, "Although anger is one of the basic human emotions, many teens find it so unpleasant that they feel they must keep their anger hidden inside them." Dr. Siegel, who has worked with teens in many schools over her distinguished career, says anger should not be hidden. Learning to deal effectively with anger, she says, can improve your physical and mental welfare. Repressed anger eventually comes out one way or the other — often directed towards innocent bystanders, or even loved ones.
For instance, one teen she interviewed said she found herself constantly picking fights with her mother. Eventually, she noticed that she had been using her mom as a convenient target for the anger she was feeling towards her best friend, who had been making a play for a guy they both liked. When she finally blew off steam to her girlfriend, her rapport with her mother returned to normal.
P.S.: Grandmothers, with their vast bank of life experiences, usually know what they're talking about!
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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