DR. WALLACE: I still cannot manage to forgive myself for something that happened over three years ago. I used to babysit my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter a lot and was very close with their family, and one time her parents asked me to stay at their house for the weekend and watch their daughter while they went on a short weekend getaway.

That Saturday night, after having put their daughter to bed, I decided to break the rules and invite a few friends over to the house to hang out with me. I never intended for things to get out of hand, but one of my friends brought over some alcohol, and after we drank a little, we decided to turn on some music and things got a bit rowdy. To make a long, terrible story short, my neighbor's daughter managed to sneak out of her room without me noticing and ended up going out into the backyard and jumping into the pool. She didn't know how to swim, and she ultimately drowned because I had no idea that she was out there and so no one was able to come to her rescue. It was beyond a tragedy and I'm literally shaking as I'm typing this letter to you.

I've been in therapy ever since that traumatic experience happened, as I've been haunted by horrible flashbacks of that night. Over the years, therapy has helped me to manage the recurring nightmares and flashbacks I was dealing with, but I can't seem to get rid of the heavy guilt that I continue to feel. It's weighed me down for three years now, and most days I don't feel like I deserve to be alive and live a full life since my reckless behavior resulted in the death of a child. I know I'm not an intentional murderer, but I feel like one even though I know I never intended that any harm come to anyone.

How can I possibly move past the guilt and shame that I feel over this horrible mistake that I made several years ago? — Awash in Guilt, via email

AWASH IN GUILT: This is no doubt one of the saddest and toughest letters to read and contemplate that I've received in quite a while. There is nothing I can say or advise you of that will undo the tragedy in your past.

I am sure you have apologized numerous times the best you could over the years. I commend you for consulting regularly with mental health professionals who are equipped to assist you to the very best of their professional ability.

Continue to attend your therapy sessions and do your very best to benefit from them in the best way you can. Your past actions and experiences are indeed unforgettable, but you must live today in 2022 and look in front of you the best you can given the circumstances.

Your past and the trauma you experience as a result of it absolutely can be dealt with in therapy, and hopefully you will experience gradual improvements and find ways to learn to cope with the guidance you are receiving.

Since I am not a trained mental health professional, I will give you the best layman's advice I can from the perspective of looking forward from here for the rest of your life. From here, logic tells me that you should not pretend your past does not exist, because it does, but you deserve to not have it dominate every waking moment of your life now.

Seek to eliminate any negative thoughts, self-talk and self-esteem degradation. I know from your letter and my experience that you did not intentionally harm this child. Yes, you made a big mistake and it resulted in a sad ending. Your intentions were very misguided by having friends visit you that night for sure. But beyond that, do your best to look forward and do what good you can in the world, especially for young children and for parents who have lost children.

Speak with your mental health professional about the idea of perhaps doing volunteer work of some sort whereby you can be involved helping children and/or parents who have suffered loss, as there are many of both who could truly benefit from interactions with a compassionate volunteer.

My idea here is to potentially provide you an avenue in which you can make some amends, even on a small scale. Doing something good and valuable for another person may help your mental outlook. I feel helping young children in a place like a children's hospital could be cathartic for you on some level.

Finally, you should remember that no human being is perfect and that we all make mistakes. Some mistakes are bigger and more consequential than others, and yours was indeed tragic on many levels. My recommendation would be to use the life you now have to serve and assist others to the best of your ability. Seek to make a difference whenever and wherever you can, and focusing on helping others may provide your mind respite and relief on an ongoing basis.

Please take my suggestions first to your mental health professionals. Run them by your professional team and only move forward with my ideas if you receive their blessings to do so. My heart goes out to the family that lost that child and to everyone that event impacted, and this absolutely includes you.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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