DR. WALLACE: This is a hard letter to write to you. My father abused me and was sent to prison for it. This is the confusing part: My mother wants me to visit him in prison and tell him that I forgive him.

The truth is that I don't want to visit my father, now or ever again. I still have nightmares about him. How can my mom be so insensitive to me about this?

How can I tell my mother in a way that she'll understand that I don't want to visit my father ever again? — No Means No, via email

NO MEANS NO: I agree with you: You were the one directly affected, so you deserve the dignity of making your own decision on this issue.

However, do take the time to explain to your mother just the general reasons why you don't want to visit your father. You don't need to go into detail; your goal is to be sure she understands and can respect your decision.

As soon as your mother directly hears that you don't trust your father and have no plans to come to terms with his abuse, she will, ideally, stop asking you to visit him.

Please immediately consider seeking professional therapy with your school, medical professional, church or family counselor. I feel you would greatly benefit from the support an outside professional could provide you.

ABSENTEE FATHER

DR. WALLACE: My father was absent the vast majority of my life. He and my mother weren't together for more than a year or so, and over the years, he went on with his life and made virtually no contact with my mom or me. He never paid any child support; my mom says that she tried to take him to court to get him to pay, but he did all he could do to hide his income from her and the government. Mom said she only once got about $300 from one of his tax refunds that got garnished.

Now I'm 17, and I was stunned to see that my absentee father has contacted me on Facebook. He even said he wants to meet me in person to see how I've grown up. I don't think I want to. It feels pretty creepy to me when he's been out of my life for the past 16 years. Should I meet him or stay away from him? My mom's longtime partner has been much more of a positive male influence on my life than my actual father ever has. — Doubtful Daughter, via email

DOUBTFUL DAUGHTER: You shouldn't be ashamed to wish to avoid a relationship with anyone you choose to remain away from. The truth is that he never took any of his time to show an interest in you over the years, and he didn't even care enough about your well-being to send funds to help raise you.

You truly don't owe your father anything for being your DNA donor many years ago. There is a big difference between being a biological father and being a true dad, or male role model who loves and looks out for your well-being at all times. Your bio father provided the genes that helped to create you. Your dad is a person who nurtures and steers you through life.

If you don't feel it would be healthy to be in a relationship with your father at this point in your life, then absolutely don't feel obligated to meet him. Also, remember that you can change your mind later, if you ever choose to do so. You may or may not ever want to meet him, but it appears you're very uncomfortable with that idea right now.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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