DR. WALLACE: Sometimes I intentionally minimize what is going on around me because there seems to be a lot of compromised values amongst my friends these days. I do my best to look the other way, but I'm realizing that I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable in certain situations.

I feel like there are times I should take a stand, but it's not my nature to be confrontational or condescending to my friends and acquaintances. What, if anything, should I do about this? — Considering Taking a Stand, via email

CONSIDERING TAKING A STAND: Congratulations, you're onto something here. Your letter indicates that you noticed several situations involving compromised values and the growing discomfort you felt personally about this. And you can only look the other way so many times without feeling that you're part of the problem too.

My advice here is pretty direct and to the point. When you come across these types of situations, simply express your thoughts out loud diplomatically, but confidently that you're uncomfortable either participating in such a discussion or prolonging an activity that you know to be wrong.

You don't have to get condescending or confrontational, just say that you're going to go and you'll talk to them later. Make eye contact and be sure to say "take care" and simply be on your way. Doing this regularly will send quite a message to those around you. First, they'll understand how much your innate moral compass and personal integrity mean to you and this may then cause them to consider their own actions and behavior. That, of course, is up to them and not for you to oversee or judge, but you simply don't need to be a part of anything you find uncomfortable for good reason.

Be willing to step away from situations you know are not congruent with your character. Once you do it the first time, you'll quickly realize that it's a good habit you are developing. Your peace of mind is valuable and priceless.

MY FRIENDS BICKER AND JOUST WITH EACH OTHER REGULARLY

DR. WALLACE: I have a couple of good friends, and I get along with both of them equally. They are also both good friends with each other, although their conversations routinely turn tense and even confrontational.

They both seem to think that they have thoughts and experiences that the other person does not understand or appreciate. It's difficult for me to watch their heated exchanges while I stand by helplessly, not knowing what to say or do. Is it better to get involved in discussions like these, especially since I can see both points of view, or to simply let them verbally battle it out with each other? Sometimes I try to change the subject, but they'll continue on as if they didn't even hear me! — My Good Friends Joust Verbally, via email

MY GOOD FRIENDS, JOUST VERBALLY: Rather than standing silently by or trying to break up their verbal sparring, perhaps elect instead to use your insights to good effect here.

Your letter mentions that you can understand and see each point of view, so during one of their next discussions, at an appropriate point in the discussion, step in and say that you've made a couple of observations. Go on from there to say that you understand one of their points of view and explain it as best as you can through your eyes. Then immediately flip to the other side before either of them can speak and explain the other side's point of view and again explain it to the best of your understanding.

You can mention to both of them that they both have valid and interesting points that are shaped by their own experiences and perspectives and therefore they can both be correct. Mention that all three of you are good friends and that you'll enjoy the time together more in harmony than engaging in verbal Jiu-Jitsu.

Hopefully, doing this can validate each of them such that they can calm down long enough after feeling understood to be able to see the other's point of view in a reasonable way.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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