DR. WALLACE: Although I am not a teenager, I read your column regularly. Recently, I read a letter from a girl who could have been me when I was younger. I would like to address my letter to Alyssa from Wheeling, W.Va. She asked your advice about a guy who had three nasty habits. He smokes, drinks and abuses drugs. She said that she is a straight arrow and has never been involved in such unacceptable behavior and believes she could get him to stop all three nasty habits.
I, too, once believed I had the power to "help" someone change his ways. When I was 15, I dated a guy who was 17. He was very much involved with cigarettes, marijuana, alcohol and cocaine. He was bombed just about every weekend. Sometimes he skipped school just to get high. My parents thought this guy was a loser and tried to make me stop seeing him, but I still saw him because I thought my love would change him. I told him that I would stop seeing him if I ever caught him using cocaine again. I thought after he stopped using cocaine, I'd convince him to eliminate marijuana, then alcohol and finally tobacco.
Unfortunately, he didn't stop any of his "habits." In fact, things grew worse and he began stealing to support his addictions. After several run-ins with the law, he wound up in a halfway house in Texas. I finally came to the conclusion after feeling deprived, disappointed and frustrated that I couldn't make him change because his love of drugs was stronger than his love for me. He was the only one who could turn his life around.
Alyssa, please do yourself a big favor and do not try to change the guy you care for. Stop dating him, but let him know that you will be willing to listen if he wants to talk. Say that you will remain his friend but that the relationship is over. — Ella, Fort Walton Beach, Fla.
ELLA: Some people do change their nasty habits, but they first must want to change and then ask for help so that they can do so. Thanks for your message; it's right on!
I AGREE WITH YOUR MOM
DR. WALLACE: I really need your help. Last week, I met a super nice guy at the mall. We talked for about two hours and when it was time for me to go home, he asked me for my telephone number, and I gave it to him. Last night, he called and asked me to go out with him to a movie and dinner.
I was flattered and said, "Yes, unless my mom says no." Well, my mom said, "No" because Mark is 19 years old. She said that the age difference was too great. I disagree. I'm the one who knows him, and I know the age difference isn't too great. I'll admit that he is very mature for 19 (He also smokes and says he drinks on occasion), but I'm also a very mature 16-year-old. Many take me to be 19, both in looks and in my mental makeup. Do you think I should be able to go out with Mark? My mom said if you said yes, she might reconsider. — Sara, St. Paul, Minn.
SARA: I'd really like to be a good guy and give you an answer that you want, but I agree with your mom that, at age 16, this boy's three-year age difference is too great.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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