DR. WALLACE: I'm 16 and an only child. My dad is a lawyer and mom is a nurse, and I love them both very much. About six months ago, my dad started "seeing" someone who was employed in his office. She is about 20 years younger than mom. About a month ago, Dad moved out and moved in with this woman. He has told mom that he wants a divorce and that he plans to marry this woman.
I can't believe this is really happening, and both my mom and I are totally devastated. I'm glad I was on summer break because I could never have concentrated on my schoolwork. Please tell me what I should do to overcome my emotions. I need to be strong to help my mother and I need to be able to concentrate on my schoolwork. Sometimes I worry that maybe I did something that caused my parents to split up! — Nameless, Cleveland, Ohio.
NAMELESS: When parents decide to end a marriage, it causes emotional chaos for their children. Instantly, their lives are thrown into turmoil filled with many emotions. Dr. Bill Doherty, director of the marriage and family therapy program at the University of Minnesota, has listed several emotions teens experience when their parents go their separate ways. I'm sure you, and other teens, will gain much insight from his views on "when parents divorce."
1. SHOCK: Some teens are caught off-guard by their parents' decision to break up. But even those who kind of saw it coming may feel stunned when the announcement comes.
2. ANGER AND RESENTMENT: The feelings of shock are often accompanied or followed closely by intense anger and resentment. These feelings can be directed toward one or both parents.
3. GUILT: Some teens unjustly feel like they played a part in the breakdown of their parents' marriage, says Frances Bernfeld, a marriage and family therapist. It's important for teens to remember that whatever problems split their parents were their own problems, not the teen's. It is never a teen's responsibility to make sure his parents get along. That responsibility rests solely with the parents.
4. Fear: "Who will I live with?" "Will I still be close to both of my parents?" "Will we have enough money for me to go to college?" These are some of the many legitimate fears teens struggle with when their parents split up.
5. DEPRESSION AND ACTING OUT: Your feelings may take the form of depression. You don't feel there's any point in continuing to participate in things you used to like to do. Grades may take a nosedive. Maybe you start breaking rules or snapping at people without knowing why.
6. DISLOYALTY: Teens may find themselves feeling disloyal to one parent or the other. Perhaps you live with one parent and visit the other as part of custody arrangements. You fear that it appears you favor one parent over the other.
Believe it or not, it is possible to learn from a divorce and emerge a stronger, healthier person. You are not doomed to feel unhappy and insecure forever. And, like some teens fear, you are not doomed to also divorce later in life.
How you deal with what is happening in your life now will play a big part in how you approach life later. Keeping in touch with both parents and maintaining a positive attitude will really influence how well you navigate the divorce.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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