DR. WALLACE: When a couple wants to live together to see if they are compatible before they get married, why do you always tell them not to do it?

There are a lot of advantages, including saving money on federal taxes by living together without saying "I do." The biggest advantage is for the couple to decide if they are compatible. If not, they can split without resorting to a costly, nasty, legal divorce.

A person wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first. How about purchasing a car? Only a fool would buy one without first driving it.

This is my opinion, and I have several friends who lived together before they eventually got married. — Test Driver, Denver

TEST DRIVER: It's true that married couples get the same tax advantages as couples who are living together but not married. And, yes, I try on shoes and drive a vehicle before considering the purchase, but I don't see buying a pair of shoes or even purchasing an automobile as a valid comparison to getting married.

In reality, living together without being married could cause a couple to divorce if they do marry.

Several studies indicate that divorce rates for couples who first lived together and then married are actually higher than those of couples who did not live together until they were first married. Why? The reason is likely that the live-together couples had a more difficult time adjusting to the total commitment of their wedding vows after already enjoying certain freedoms in the live-together arrangement.

DADDY-O DOES NOT GARNER RESPECT

DR. WALLACE: My father is a despicable human being. My siblings and I hate him, or at the very least don't like or respect him at all.

He treats our mother like she's a servant. And in addition to that, he often hits, kicks, slaps and even chokes her for no apparent reason. He will fly into a rage if his steak isn't perfectly cooked or his favorite cereal isn't on the breakfast table before he comes down the stairs each morning of his unruly life.

Mom has been married to this beast for 17 years, and all of those years have been miserable for her. I know because I have seen this marriage up close and in person, and I can promise you that it is not pretty.

The only joy Mom seems to get in her life is provided by us, her children. I have an older sister and a younger brother. The three of us love our mom, and we alternate between tolerating and despising our father.

For a long time, we have begged mom to get a divorce from this miserable creature, but she refuses. She doesn't believe in divorce and said that she married her husband for better or worse, but believe me, there has been no "better" for her while living with our dad. This man is a well-known professional in our city. That's one more reason why Mom won't consider getting away from him. People in our town would be beyond shocked if they knew what goes on inside the walls of our family house. We kids have a saying: "If they could only know about our mean Daddy-O."

I know that your column is written for teens and you rarely get involved with divorces, but I would still like your opinion.

Do you believe in divorce? If your answer is yes, it might be the first step to getting our mother to become free and happy woman. If you print this letter, I will show it to her, just in case it might make her consider a better way forward for her life.

The thought of her being alone with this monster actually frightens us. We are especially worried about what might happen in a couple of years when we go away to college. Our father has little to do with us, but at least he has never been physically abusive to any of us kids. He seems to save that horrible behavior only for our mother. But I must say, whenever he abuses our mother, he also emotionally abuses us, because when we see it, we can't stop it and we all feel traumatized. — Anonymous, via email

ANONYMOUS: Marriage is a sacred union, and both partners should do everything they possibly can do to keep it together. One partner alone, however, can't save a marriage.

No one should have to put up with the humiliation and constant physical abuse you describe in your letter. There are times when a divorce or legal separation is the best option. This may be one of those times, but it is up to your mother to make that decision.

If you have a trusted aunt or uncle who you can explain this situation to, it would be a good idea. Another suggestion is to speak to a counselor at your school. Request privacy and anonymity for your family, but seek to put your mother in touch with another adult who can guide and counsel her on her options. Thank you for your courage in writing to our column, and please contact us again at any time if things become worse. No woman should ever have to face this type of abuse, ever.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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