DR. WALLACE: I'm a 16-year-old girl who is allowed to date, but only guys who are "hand-picked" by my mother. The only guys I'm permitted to date are the guys who attend our church. Guess what? None of them have asked me out, and, even if one of them did, I would politely say, "No, thank you." None of them are my type, and I really have nothing in common with any of them.
My mother is their Sunday school teacher and says the boys are sweet. I am a very sensible young lady, I maintain a very high moral standard and I'm totally independent. Simply stated, I'd like to select my own dates, thank you!
I hope you agree with me. If you do, please put my letter in your column, but if you agree with my mother, please don't. She reads your column. I don't want her to have more ammunition to shoot me down! — Anonymous, via email
ANONYMOUS: I'm on your side! While I'm a firm believer that parents should know whom their teen is going out with and have a right to veto someone they consider untrustworthy, they should not "hand-pick" their child's dates. That's simply going too far, in my opinion.
Not only do young people have a right to make their own friends — of either sex — they also need to learn how to make wise choices. An overly controlling parent, who insists on making crucial life choices for his or her child, thereby denies the child of the opportunity to learn and grow from firsthand experiences. These experiences should come naturally over time to help secure a gradual sense of independence, which must be earned one way or another. Too much parental control breeds resentment and often leads to decision-making that is aimed primarily at defying parental wishes. This is not healthy for the parent or the child.
Your mother needs to learn to express her concerns to you about boys she may not approve of, but then she should trust you to make sensible choices out of the vast pool of nice, reasonable young men.
YOU DON'T NEED MY ADVICE
DR. WALLACE: My boyfriend and I had been together for about six months. He was mostly a great guy, and we had a lot of fun together. Suddenly, about a month ago, he broke up with me because he wanted to go out with another girl. I really felt bad, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. I really like him a lot, and so did my parents.
Last night, this guy called and said he had stopped dating this girl because he realized he cared much more for me then he did for her. He apologized for breaking up with me and asked me to go out with him again after he and his family returned from a short trip. I told him to call me when he returns and we'd talk about it.
I'd like to get back with him, but my older sister thinks that if I say yes right away, he will take me for granted and not truly appreciate me. She thinks I should tell him that I haven't made up my mind yet and that I'll call him in a month or so. We are both 19. What do you think? — Confused, Baton Rouge, Louisiana
CONFUSED: You don't need my advice or your sister's. You have things under control. Wait for him to return home, just as you said you would, and then discuss the possibility of renewing the relationship. There's no need to play games or construct artificial barriers be'TWEEN the two of you. However, do stand up for yourself and express the full range of your feelings to him when you talk. Then gauge the sincerity of his response. From there, trust your own judgment about whether to get back together with him. I prefer direct communication, not game playing or setting up an "artificial" time calendar designed to bring about a desired response. If the two of you are meant to be together, find that out head-on, right away. And speaking of away, don't be afraid to walk away if your upcoming conversation with him leaves you feeling unsure or uneasy. Remember that at 19, you have quite a lot of life in front of you. Your future relationships, from this moment forward, should have mutual feelings of trust, joy and camaraderie. If you doubt these feelings can or will exist, move on.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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