Dear Family Coach: My seven-year-old daughter is not very savvy on the playground. She is constantly chasing after the "mean girls" because she says they play more exciting games than her own friends. Should we be helping her understand that it is better to hang with those who appreciate her and want her around, even if the game is a little bit boring, rather than trying to play the more "exciting" games with the girls who barely give her the time of day? — Playground Mom

Dear Playground: Your daughter is experimenting with the playground's social hierarchy. Friendships shift constantly as children grow. Navigating the social system is arduous even for adults. Your daughter might need your input on this one at some point. But maybe not yet.

The best way for her to learn with whom she should spend her time is by trying out another crowd. If she constantly runs after girls who treat her badly, there will probably be some hurt feelings along the way. That would be your time to step in. Keep an eye on her when she is interacting with the "mean girls." Do you see a reaction from her when they exclude her or tease her? Instead of telling her why she shouldn't hang around with these girls, help her process the dynamic. How does it feel when they exclude her? Ask her why she still wants to play with them. If she is tired of the games her old friends play, perhaps you should stay more involved on the next play date or help her identify some other children who she might like to get to know.

Your daughter doesn't have to settle for boring friends or mean girls. There are many other children who fit the bill. Keep at it until she finds her crowd.

Dear Family Coach: When I married my husband, we moved our blended family into one home. I have helped raise my now 17-year-old stepdaughter since she was 10. But she barely glances in my direction. She only talks directly to her father, even if I am sitting right there. What do I do when my son accepts my new husband's family but my husband's daughter treats us as if we are invisible? — Suffering Stepmom

Dear Suffering: It sounds like your nearly adult stepdaughter has been able to carry on as if she is still living solely with her dad for years. There are most likely a number of factors contributing to this situation. As a young girl, she probably had a hard time with her parents' breakup. Unfortunately, you may have gotten the brunt of her anger — even if you had nothing to do with the divorce. Being angry is understandable, but it is unacceptable for her to refuse to acknowledge you or your son.

The problem, however, is that you cannot make her show interest in your family and be a more hospitable family member. But your husband can. Enlist him to work with his daughter on proper manners in the household. Come up with a few household rules: the appropriate way to greet someone when he/she enters the home, or how to hold a conversation in a group and how to show a minimal degree of decency. Ask your husband to point out when his daughter isn't following the rules and have him refuse to engage with her when she is acting out and ignoring you. It is possible that your husband is unwittingly enabling her behavior, so take time to work this through with him.

And if all else fails, look on the bright side. She will be off to college in a few years. The odds are strong that, when she develops her own life, she will be less resentful of yours.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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