Dear Family Coach: My family is throwing a party for my father's 65th birthday, and my mother told me to cut my 13-year-old son's hair or not bring him along. Do I haul my kid to a barber over his objections, or is it OK to leave him at home? Help! — In The Middle Dad

Dear In the Middle: It must be incredibly sad to see your parents throw down a cold-hearted ultimatum. They clearly have an image of what a young man should look like, and, regrettably, it isn't the image of your son. I would never recommend involuntarily butchering a pubescent teen's hair. That's the time in a person's life when identity is being formed. One's appearance is extremely central to that identity. It would be a colossal assault to make him cut off his hair.

The bigger issue is how to discuss this issue with your son. There are times in life when we make sacrifices and do something we really don't want to do because it would make someone else happy. This could be one of those times. You should disclose the dilemma to your son. Tell him that he has two options: choose to cut his hair, or you are fine with him staying home. Help him process the outcomes and support him.

Alternatively, tell your parents you won't go. If your parents can't accept your son no matter how he looks, they should not enjoy the presence of your company. Standing up to your parents for the sake of your son will show him that even if his grandparents don't accept him, you do.

Dear Family Coach: My husband listens to a lot of rap. My son is 9 and loves the music, too. Sometimes they even write their own lyrics together. But some of the themes and language seem too advanced for a boy his age. Do you think there should be limits to what we let him listen to? — Rapper's Mom

Dear Mom: This is an age-old question: When are kids old enough to enjoy music that might expose them to adult themes? The same questions were asked of the Beatles, Prince and Madonna. For you it is about rap.

Kids often listen to and sing along to songs without the subtext of lyrics even registering. The adorable little girls who belt out sweet Ariana Grande's song Bang Bang haven't a clue what it's about. They are enjoying the melody and the power of the song.

Before you cut the ties to rap, think about some of the positive sides. Rap is like poetry. It can be raw and gritty, but it expresses real emotions that are important to hear. Tupac's "Dear Mama" concerns the devotion of a son to his mother. Common offers one socially uplifting theme after another. On and on. Listening to the music with your son is a great entry into the culture of young people. Knowing what they are listening to and discussing some of the themes opens up the door for you to express your values system. Think it's wrong to call a woman a derogatory name? Let him know why. Think drugs are harmful and shouldn't be glorified? Great conversation starter at the dinner table.

As long as your son listens to songs approved by his dad, I would allow it. But let your husband know your limits and ask him to steer your son clear of the songs you absolutely cannot stomach.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.